Last night at 1:20 AM, my dad lost the battle with cancer that started in his kidney, then spread to his spine and worked it's way up to his other organs. He was only 53 years old. Before he passed away, I didn't want to go to bed right away because I felt that something strange was going to happen when looking at him on the hospital bed in the living room. Mom told me that he's waiting for me to say something to him, and I told her that I couldn't say it quite yet. I got tired enough to want to go to bed... and I finally told my dad that I loved him and wished him a good night. I told him that if he needed to go, then he can go. I kissed my two fingers, then placed them on his head because it's something that I just do. Afterwards, I got my water that I usually drink throughout the night, then went to bed. Six minutes later, he was gone and my mom watched him take his last breath. Mom came into my room and shut my door and didn't tell me what was wrong. As any person would do... I got up to see what was the matter, though I had that feeling that I already knew, and I went into the living room to see him. I told him that I loved him again after knowing that he was definitely gone, and I went back to bed. I managed to get 4 hours of sleep last night and I'm still awake. I don't want to close my eyes and go to sleep, because I don't want a terrible nightmare that I don't really need at the moment, but I know that I'll need sleep for tomorrow... so I'm going to have to suck it up and sleep.
Right now, my mom and I feel like we are in a terrible nightmare that we cannot wake up from. We cannot cry, and people are really shocked by that because we stayed strong. I'm gradually starting to miss him dearly. What makes it hard for me is that there is a slight regret that I've been holding in about me that no one knows about, and the bad part is that I still cannot tell anyone. I'm going to make my dad proud though because I'm going to get my Bachelor's in Business Administration in December and I'm going to learn how to drive!! I'm also going to try to live a happier life, though it seems far-fetched right now.
Anyways, My grandpa isn't taking it well as his two sons (My dad and uncle) passed away before him. My granddad is still alive, but he has given up... and I'll be seeing him tomorrow. I have a feeling that I'll lose him too, but I think I'll be able to see him tomorrow for perhaps one last time.
I'm not going to be online for a while. User TobbRobb will be posting sometime next week our special 5 star anime review blog, but I will not respond to anyone until I come back. I don't know when I'll be back, but it'll only be for a short time. I will be disappearing from my town, because mom and I need to get away from everyone because they are driving us insane with all these phone calls.
I thank you all for being nice to me because it's all that I really wanted. I know that most people here do not believe in prayer, so it's best to at least keep me and my family in your thoughts because we are having a rough time. My stomach is very upset, and I'm having a strange pain in my chest, back, rib, and possibly my kidney, so I think that I need to sleep right now before it gets worse. I apologize for my bad grammar... though I think that I've always had bad grammar. I'm very tired right now, my mind is racing, and restless. I think I'm about to crash though.
See you all later,
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words. It really means something. I feel like all of this is some sort of cruel and sick joke, then I realize that it isn't because I was around to take care of my dad and I watched him suffer. It's not something that I want to remember. The funny thing is that I really do wish it was a cruel and sick joke, because right now I just want my dad back...
Anyways, I'll really be disappearing temporarily soon. I haven't had a good cry yet, and I'm waiting for it.