Posted by TrashMustache (452 posts) -

I met her in a game we both love passionately. She was less good at it than me, but she was pretty damn good and learned fast. I kept encouraging her and she thanked me for it. She asked me to give her tips and before I knew it she insisted we talked on skype. I told her about my discomfort with it but she kept insisting. We eventually did and she talked about everything involving her life and traumas she experienced. She was in a state of crisis. I recognized this state as I had been there far too often. I just listened and eventually fell in love. So did she. We felt a strong beautiful connection. Seperated. Living far apart but connected. We started video calls and saw each other for the first time. It was magical. I never thought it would happen to me and thought she's the one I want to live my life with. A gamer chick, a pretty one, an intelligent and funny person. What could possibly be wrong here? She told me about her attention disorder, and it became apparent that she was very self involved and extremely stubborn. All of which she openly admitted to and for a good long while I was able to accept the way she was, my reasoning being that If you can't accept someone the way they are and try to fit them into your ideal, than it isn't love at all. Unfortunately, I wasn't treated with the same care.

She started leaving conversations randomly, gave signs that she wasn't doing well. One night (this being one of countless examples) she went out and got drunk, the next day I asked her if she had fun. she said "no". Constantly making me feel like something is wrong only to blame me for making such an assumption. I felt frustrated that I couldn't help her and I took her condition into consideration as much as possible. After a while i started feeling a void. Not the void of virtual miscommunication or the void of physical seperation. But the void of investment on her part. Which is her right, but then why tell me that she loved me and wanted to fly over to where I live and make a thousand promises? it became clear that I was the only one caring and worrying. One day a friend of her thought it would be funny to tell me that he was her boyfriend, when I asked her what was up, she just told me goodnight, she couldn't talk because of her internet. this sort of behavior increased. And when i got so frustrated that I said I couldn't handle this anymore, she turned it around and got mad at me for feeling the way I did.

Eventually, All I could conclude was that this wasn't gonna work out. She could not be decent enough to answer the simple question of whether he was her boyfriend or not. She later said she knew he was joking but she "couldn't tell me". Either way she didn't seem to feel any regret over keeping me in the dark with my doubts and hurt and said she though my reaction was embarassing. I removed her from my contacts and the game we met on. Until I calmed down and wanted to make it right. But All i got was a rant about how I had no right to question her. There are much more details to any such story. And she is not entirely to blame. But the point is it became more and more clear that she could not be reasoned with. Then she deleted me. As a final therapeutic message I sent her this. As this should make it easier to move on for me.

"thank you for deleting me. I did not quite appreciate the irony of what it meant when you said "I have attachement issues" when we first talked. I took it to mean you have a hard time letting go, but it seems only the contrary is true. If anything you ARE the issue. All of the things u told me in our first few weeks, the things that made up the fabric of my love for you. From the moment you came knocking at my figurative door and I let you in. You could not seem to deal with me populating the room with my own feelings. It seems you need the entire room and beyond just to function. There was never room for MY feelings, only yours.

And when It got the point where I wanted answers u gave me the lamest excuse in history about some data patch on your cellphone that didn't allow you to write certain things. lmao. that's like saying I can't solve a math problem because I dont speak french. If u send a message saying: "it is physically impossible to write a message to you right now" then it must be physically possible to do so. In other words you're a fucking liar.

Nevermind all the energy and time I spent listening to u, trying to understand u, trying to find a way to help u with my qualities (however few u think I have). Especially since the traumatic experiences u so clearly explained in our very first "real" conversation (a 10 hour affair), it baffles me that you are so devoid of refection. In your defense, maybe it is still to recent and you aren't allowing any sort of negativity (or more preciesly, you're idea of negativity) in. So that's why you shove all my best intentions aside to do the thing you excel at. Turning everything around to illustrate how much it hurts you with an absolute disregard of what led me to be hurt in the first place. And what led me to question your motives was based on very reasonable assumptions.

So next time when u beg someone to skype with u and lay it all on them, I hope u find the right person. Someone who slavishly obeys. or Maybe the next person will be as devoid of empathy as you. The ironic evolution of that particular scenario could be that whichever of you is the least manipulative, will end up hurt trying to please the other. If, in this scenario, the "inferior" party is you, than only then will u understand how it felt for me, trying to uphold this "relationship". I think you don't know what it's like to care. I think you have seen others do it and try to replicate it when u sense that that's what people do in a given situation. So in a sense, I think of you as disabled in this regard. learning is hard, hope u get there. Not for your sake, but for whoever's life you're about to poison next.

if there's one thing I wish, it's that I never met u. But I did so now i'm stuck with this annoying memory of whatever the fuck it is we had. But i guess a day after i removed you, you were glad, glad you didn't have to justify your behavior anymore. Now, you delete me realizing I am not gonna apologize. I guess it makes sense, alien concepts (like in your case:caring, regret, empathy; self-reflection) frighten us.

I hope one thing. I hope I completely forget u. Every single pixel of u. Every single word we ever wrote and every word we spoke. Every fragmented image of you I have. So much that if they would ever dig into the deepest parts of my memory they would never find a single trace of you. I don't blame you for deleting me. After all I did the exact same thing a few days ago. But there is a fundamental difference. Just like writing this message. For me these things are HARD TO DO. In the hopes that my brain will start removing and annilihating everything that leads back to you.

Goodbye."

So why am I posting this on the web? Not out of some cry for attention but as a form of venting. We cannot let people eat away at our integrity like some sort of vial cancer. No matter how much they demand sympathy. No matter how much it kills you to let go and how empty it feels now. No matter how much it seemed like the stars aligned just so u could meet this pretty and intelligent person, that made you feel like she must have been the one. You cannot let yourself be manipulated until you only live for them. You may find what you think is the love of your life on a random server of an online game at any given time. It may be a fairytale, or it could be too good to be true. And for me it was, unfortunately.

#1 Edited by MB (13075 posts) -

Someone had to do it.

Moderator
#2 Edited by TrashMustache (452 posts) -

lawl

#3 Posted by Ravenlight (8011 posts) -

I'm sort of sad that this isn't a "My First Visual Novel" thread.

#4 Edited by Vuud (2035 posts) -

A hard lesson I learned from Saltybetting is waifus will let you down.

Stick to meat-space, cowboy.

#6 Posted by Blannir (250 posts) -

This sounds hilariously similar to someone I encountered a few years ago, does her name start with M? lol

#7 Posted by TrashMustache (452 posts) -
#8 Posted by Ravenlight (8011 posts) -

@vuud said:

Stick to meat-space, cowboy.

Not sure if you're suggesting that OP stick to IRL relationships or to date men. Either way, that's a great sentence to read.

#9 Edited by Emoney244 (161 posts) -

Judging from the replies is this spam?

#10 Posted by Blannir (250 posts) -

@trashmustache: Ah well, would've been funny if it was the same =) Don't let it get you too down, seems like you got everything out that you needed to with your last response to her which is good. Kick back, spend some time time with friends/family, play some great games, and enjoy a fresh start when 2014 starts next week.

#11 Edited by Darji (5294 posts) -

I'm sort of sad that this isn't a "My First Visual Novel" thread.

Yeah... I thought someone played a really nice dating sim game but it was about real life...

#12 Edited by ArtelinaRose (1857 posts) -

There's nothing bad about having an online relationship if it's what works for you. I know a lot of people that met online that are more than happy with each other. I also know plenty of people that met online that ended up not working out, just like I do people that met in real life and have had it go both ways. If that's what works for you, then that's fantastic. If it doesn't, then that's fine too.

Don't regret the time you spent with her, duder. Just walk away from it having learned some lessons and apply that experience to the next person you think is worth the dedication of your heart. You can regret the direction it took, but I don't think anyone should ever regret feeling love.

#13 Posted by TrashMustache (452 posts) -

@blannir:

thanks man, that actually cheers me up.

#14 Posted by Humanity (10038 posts) -

@trashmustache: Out of curiosity, what game was it that you met on?

I think everyone needs to encounter something similar to this at least once in their lives in order to learn from it. I know plenty of people that met on the interwebs and are still happily involved with each other, but like you I experienced some weird pseudo-online relationship thing that ended quite abrasively as these things tend to do and felt kinda chewed up and spit out by the end of it. If it's any consolation, at least it wasn't in real life where things get much worse. My college psycho ex would sit outside my place for hours on end at 3am calling me and threatening my ability to continue living in that location. At least you can turn off the computer and while sad, not experience the craziness first hand.

#15 Posted by Deranged (1859 posts) -

Yeah, I walked away from something similar as well about a year ago. Take it as a learning experience, not something to detest dude.

#16 Edited by BaneFireLord (2956 posts) -

Kinda half-expected this to be a review of that new Spike Jonze movie.

Also, what @Deranged said. Never regret shitty situations like that; there's always a silver lining, be it new found knowledge, greater self understanding or what have you. Take it from me: I had a similar meat-space experience and, in the aftermath, picked up playing guitar and finally figured out my major and my thesis topic. Sure, it felt like puppy for a while, but ultimately I think I'm all the stronger for it.

#17 Edited by GTCknight (705 posts) -

@humanity: The only thing that's ever happened to me that even comes close to what your talking about (the first part not the last half) was when a mute girl that I kinda knew asked me on Xbox live (through text messages) if I knew anyone who would want to have long-distance relationship with her.

It has been a few years since then and I don't remember exactly what I said, but the basics of it was that I said no.

#18 Edited by AndrewB (7689 posts) -

I've had online relationships that didn't work out and I've had online relationships that turned into (brief) real life relationships that didn't work.

Distance doesn't work. It's only natural for you or anyone to wonder what is up when you aren't able to see what a person is doing most of the time. Maybe that realization, and the understanding that comes with it, only comes with experience. Specifically, it becomes frustrating not knowing the level of attachment and commitment felt by both parties when events intervene and behavior seems to change. Once you start to question that, it's difficult to come back from it because you aren't going to physically be there to have the emotional conversation necessary to mend any possible.

On the surface, I might say that the metaphorical distance you felt prior to the outburst signals that she was just looking for a way out to begin with, but I'm really bad at judging people and their motivations, especially when I obviously don't have the full story. All I can say is that when a person clearly isn't going to treat you the way you wish to be treated and isn't open to talking about it, there's no level of actual commitment in their heart. If they're willing to let you go, they didn't care, or once did but are too fickle/inexperienced to be an adult about it.

Also, no one should have to put up with a relationship where one side sucks up all the attention and care and doesn't reciprocate when the time comes for it to be necessary, so even if you don't feel it now, I can only say that it's a bullet dodged for the percieved attachment to end sooner rather than later.

#19 Posted by Xeiphyer (5611 posts) -

Sometimes people suck, online of off. Just gotta learn and keep looking forwards.

#20 Posted by mlarrabee (3057 posts) -

#21 Posted by HellknightLeon (467 posts) -

Good read... Sadly I have nothing to add that might be helpful or insightful.

#22 Posted by alwaysbebombing (1644 posts) -

I had a long distance relationship for 4 years, then we moved in together and it's worked out fantastically ever since. People who say "distance doesn't work" are wrong.

#23 Posted by dudeglove (8255 posts) -

Thread of the year.

#24 Edited by Wrighteous86 (3823 posts) -

@alwaysbebombing said:

I had a long distance relationship for 4 years, then we moved in together and it's worked out fantastically ever since. People who say "distance doesn't work" are wrong.

This. @duskvamp and I have been together for 3 years in an international relationship, and we are just waiting on the paperwork to go through for her to move here.

The issue with this story, @trashmustache, is that you found an emotionally broken girl that just wanted attention, someone to vent to, and a brief fantasy away from reality, and you (thought you) fell in love. She was just messing around, and you got super-invested. You made it real, and she was immature and didn't know how to end or sabotage it without playing games, which she did. So she fucked around with you until you fucked off. You have to be careful with your emotions in all relationships, ten times as much online and long-distance. Live and learn.

#25 Posted by vikingdeath1 (1004 posts) -

Vent away duder, it's good to share.

#26 Edited by Tireyo (6451 posts) -

You never know what sort of person you are talking with on the other side of the internet. No matter how much you think you may know them, you really don't. Long distance relationships on the internet don't typically work out, but long distance friendships sometimes do. The same principle can apply to close relationships and friendships, because it can be hard to distinguish whose your friend and whose your enemy.

#27 Posted by TrashMustache (452 posts) -

all of your insightfulness really makes me feel better guys, I was doubting to post this at first but I'm glad i did. As i read them i realize that deep down I already knew this was going nowhere but I guess I was blinded. I had similar relationships to this before it in "meat space" as you call it and had normal ones 2, but I guess it is something to learn from yet again. and as for the game @humanity: league of legends. but that seems irrelevant, even if i'm aware that it is the most toxic gaming community there is :p

#28 Posted by xaLieNxGrEyx (2605 posts) -

Girls who engage in online relationships do so because they're insane.

Don't fall for it.