Need to hear some friendly voices

Hey duders (damn this site has me using that line in my real life),

I just fell out of a five year relationship, engaged and everything. The details aren't important here. I'm coming to you guys to hear that things will shape up. It's been about three weeks and I still find myself unable to sleep, and generally an abyss of emotions. Right now everything feels a little bleak, so I was hoping to hear a little encouragement/sympathy/empathy from the best community on the internet.

P.S. For all those caring people I just want to let you know that I do not have feelings of hurting myself. Anyone who is reading this and does have those feelings, or is considering suicide should seek help, it is never the answer.

1-800-273-8255 or 911

Thanks guys,

I think everyone who has ever had a broken heart knows love hurts and it takes time to heal. Best thing to do is to get out and try to get back in the flow of things not necessarily dating but just life. I found being around good people like your family and friends always helps.

Goodluck dude.

What games are you playing at the moment? For whatever reason Starbound and Paper Sorcerer (that game Brad played on this past UPF) has me pumped up about video games at the moment.

@chu52: Your bold 911 kind of scared me there for a second, but sure, duder.

I've been in a relationship like that where you thought you had found the one. It really can take a long time to readjust to life without that. Three weeks is still pretty early. The best you can probably do is spend some time with friends and focus on all the things you do have. Relationships can become very engrained in our lives, and for good reason. This will continue to be tough for a while; I'd guess a few months. But as far as being able to sleep, well, that's something that should come sooner. If not, find a professional to speak with, not just some random folks.

Hang in there. It really sucks, and it'll likely continue to be kind of sucky for a while. But you will find some sense of normalcy again.

@i_stay_puft: Thanks, I've been trying and it seems to help.

@franknelson: If steam isnt lying to me I put in 45 hours of Black flag over three weeks, i think I need to get out of that a bit. But thank you

@chu52: Maybe try a new game, or maybe take a break from gaming and do something else you haven't done in a while. Mix up your routine a bit. It won't fix your situation, but it might give you a break from your current state of mind for a moment or two.

Hello. Things like this pass. You'll be changed forever by this, yes, but you're still you, and you will still be alive tomorrow in spite of this. Right now, you need to find value in the life you now lead.

Get therapy if you can afford it. It helps a lot. You need outside perspective, and I'm sorry to report that a video game forum where behavioral advice like "play a new video game" is more common than something emotionally valuable isn't going to be enough.

Come to terms with the fact that you don't love someone who can't be with you anymore, for whatever reasons your relationship has ended. You may have great memories, and you may miss the way things were, but they are not that anymore, she or he is not who she or he was, and you are not who you were. It's okay to miss the way things were, but you can't live thinking that it can ever be like that again. Even if it could be like that, could this event ever be supplanted by positivity? It is very difficult to completely move on from something like this on one's own, so I can't imagine how hard it would be for this relationship to survive it.

Start a routine that will lead to self-improvement. The easiest suggestion is exercise. Do whatever you choose to do in a strict routine, and do it a lot. I like exercise as a suggestion because it is something that can occupy your whole day when you do it right (metering meals, counting calories, etc.), it's exhausting, it's mentally engaging, and it gives meaningful results. All of these are great ways to keep your mind from wandering while you simultaneously increase your self-worth and potential appeal to others.

Become a 'yes man' and do anything and everything you are invited to. Get out and be pleasant and have a nice time with people who love you. You may have forgotten how much friends can love you in your long-term relationship; it's easy to lose sight of their significance when you live with your best friend and lover. They will remind you how much people like you, and you'll grow more confident and will hopefully become happy with who you can be now.

I also recommend reading a lot.

As for sleep, when I have had trouble because of emotional turmoil, I have turned to the television and, coincidentally, Giant Bomb's insane archive of long-form video content to fall asleep to. It's not healthy, and it's a hard habit to break, but it helped when I needed it which is what matters most for you right now. I have not had success with sleep aids, but others I know have taken Benadryl and Unisom as non-habit-forming temporary solutions. Crying into unconsciousness isn't going to help you, even if it is what your psyche is driving you to do. The real solution is going to be found by becoming happy again, though, and you will likely need bandages like this while the wound heals separately.

I hope this helps! You'll get on. I had a friend who committed suicide when his wife left him, and I have been through the end of long-term relationships of five years and more as well. The difference between me and him is a bit of brain chemistry, and a bit of circumstance. Use this advice and the advice that others give to make your circumstances ideal for healing and moving on.

@chu52: x

Yo duder, how's it going?

I can empathise with what you're going through. Hell, I broke up with my lady about 3 weeks ago myself. You're probably feeling like crap, and me saying something might not necessarily help, but I've always found positivity to help. So, without further ado:

May I point out that you're probably already an interesting, nice, cool person? You've managed to show that you can attract other, interesting people to you, and that if nothing else is a sign that you're awesome! It's hard, but think about all of the good things about yourself. Allow yourself a bit of pride and confidence, maybe even a little arrogance (but just a little) and think about why people consider you as a great person and why you should think so as well. Believe me, it helps put a pretty good spin on life.

And all of the suggestions by @kcin are correct and appropriate. Do something unusual. Do something to better yourself. Learn something new (you could learn guitar, like me! Just mind the sore fingers.) And spend some time with family, friends, and regain that confidence. It all helps bit by bit.

Finally, a really good video that can help is this one by Sean "Day[9]" Plott about positivity:

Stay happy, duder! Feel free to send PMs to anyone here, or someone closer if you'd prefer.

Hey, I'm sorry that things are tough right now.

But the fact that you're actually seeking support, the fact that you know your options in case things become unmanageable, and the fact that you took the liberty of including those options in your post in case somebody else here is in a similar circumstance are (to me) small comforts in a time of misfortune such as this. But it's in times of misfortune that the small comforts matter, I suppose.

Anyway, the worst thing (I think) you can do is expect yourself to get better overnight. What works best for me, personally, is to take things one day at a time, focusing on healthy habits -- even the "small" things, like brushing my teeth and showering and waking up (not so small in times like this, I understand). Don't expect yourself to be in complete control over your emotions and know that, in those moments where you feel really sad, then it's okay to let yourself be sad. But also remember that there will always be opportunities to be happy as well. And that momentary happiness may not seem like much when you start thinking broadly about life, but it's important to value the person you are in each second of every moment of every day of your life. If the You today wants to be happy, then you shouldn't let the You of yesterday or the You of tomorrow who may be sad, get in the way of that.

This sounded a lot more elegant in my head, haha, but I guess what I'm trying to say is: Focus on what's happening and who you are now, and not of what's passed or what may come to be. Who you are now needs food and friendships and emotional support-- who you were in the past and who you may be in the future don't need that -- they'll be there years from now if you ever want to revisit them, and thus are undeserving of as much attention as you're probably giving them, right now. It'd probably be for the best to let go of that baggage for now, until you're stable enough to pick them up again, when the road isn't as rocky and unforgiving.

Wish I could provide better support, but I find that I'm pretty bad at this stuff unless I've known the person I'm talking to for, like, years. I very nearly didn't say anything because I feel like I don't really have anything of value to provide, but I dunno, I feel like you (and anyone else going through hard times) deserve to be reminded that they're strong enough to get through even the hardest parts of life.

If you ever need it, I'm sure everyone here wouldn't mind a PM or something, and that I'm fairly certain there are people you know in person that wouldn't mind talking.

First and foremost, cry like there's no tomorrow. Yeah, fuck that do stuff bullshit. Just be miserable for a while. Get it out of your system. Don't ever hold that back or you'll end up crying over it sitting on the toilet taking a shit a few years from now when you first meet the parents of whoever you might end up with next and that's just awkward.

Once you're done with that, if at all possible, take a trip somewhere by yourself and have a personal moment. Reflect on the good, bad and lessons learned during the past five years. Think about what you want out of life, as this is a perfect time to make a really drastic change without actually having to double check with anyone else's life plans.

And as others have said, get out there and be social. But I would advice against getting drunk. Just do fun stuff with friends. And if at all possible, find a close friend and ask them to listen and just talk. I've been lucky to have friends there when I have been dumped in the past and it helps a ton just feeling someone has your back.

Eventually you'll wake up one day and not even realize you stopped being miserable. Life moves on. And you'll brush your teeth with a smile on your face.

But you probably know all of this already. So, duder, just take one day at a time and try to do something fun every day. Even if it's just something small. And you'll see things will turn around in no time.

@rpgee: I don't watch Starcraft like I used to, but I can always appreciate Sean Plott. That man's positivity is like a virus.

well, personal from experience. First, don't jump into a new relationship, that's from bad to worse. Drinking is okay, with some sense of moderation but then again make sure it's checking accounts that get damage and not bodily harm. And this is the part I advise the most, go out on a vacation. Just get out and do something you never did before. It's always wonderful to make a list of everything you always wanted to do, like it can be silly and see how much you can accomplished.

Like for me personally, I got in good friends with a character designer on Batman the animated series all because his girlfriend went to my school. I meet another awesome hero of mine and told me she thought I was cool to. The world is all yours man, just make an adventure out of it. Dogs are cool, biking is fun, people are eager to talk to you.

Please insert Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now"

Hey, man. Like some people have said, I know how you feel. I am going on about one year of being out of a long term relationship. Possible marriage, kids, the whole deal. The biggest thing that helped me get past it all was just going out, and living my life. Getting back in shape, hitting the gym and running, spending time with friends, doubling down on my education/work. My new goal turned into wanting to be the best person I possible could.

It gets better, and honestly I don't think it takes as long as you would think. There are some days I am lonely, but I don't miss her, I just miss that kind of company, and look forward to the day I meet the right person to fill that void.

Anyways, good luck, dude, worst case scenario you can get into collecting Neo-Geo stuff!

Have a friend that ended a seven year relationship (with a one year engagement). $10k ring, trip to Paris, all that. He was, obviously, as devastated as you sound. Absolutely convinced that he'd never be happy again.

He's now in a two year relationship with a girl that's made him happier than he ever was at any point in those prior seven. The change is dramatic and drastic. Frankly, it's a bit unbearable! :D

You will pull through. If he could do it, you can. It wasn't quick, it wasn't easy. There were good days and terrible ones. But he fucking dragged his ass out of that pit, and he's better for it. You will too.

Ah man, I feel your pain, was in similar situation, not so far back. I'm out of it now and with someone great. All things pass, and that's the important things to remember, what your feeling now is very real, but transient, you'll get through this, and every time you feel down, visit this site and know your not alone :)

┻┳|ω･)ﾉ - hang in there!

Coming out of any relationship the sure fire cure is a revenge fuck. Just find somebody hot, bang the hell out of them and move on. Works for me everytime.

Hey man, sorry to hear about you having a rough time! You're probably right about needing to step out for a bit though. Video games are good for numbing the pain and letting you think about it all but maybe going out will clear your head a bit. Let you finally get some sleep! Keep safe!

Where do you live? Maybe someone local can buy you a drink.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone here. And that I am seeing alot of what I thought I need to try. And also how awesome this community is, any other internet would be giving me so much shit, but all you guys have is love.

Keep it classy,

I feel you duder. I've been through a very similar break-up about a year ago. I'll try sharing what I learned.

I believe everyone should face break-ups heads-on. Don't run from it, but instead acknowledge it in every possible way (both factual and emotional); and then OWN IT. What I mean is: your objective should be to come out of this gruelling episode thinking "Damn, I'm much stronger then I thought I was", not "I'm miserable, I hate this b*tch for destroying my life". I use the word "objective" intentionally, 'caus you should really regard this as your new mission in life. A mission to become a better man, the best man you've ever been. Don't let this break-up go to waste, it's a great opportunity to re-invent yourself.

First of all stop contacting her. If she wanted to break up, agree with her decision and go ghost. She made her bed, let her sleep in it. If you initiated the ending, be a man of your word. Nothing good will come out of staying in contact with an ex. At least not yet. This is the first step in achieving some peace of mind. Finding it too hard to stay away from her? Considering burning all your past bridges. Seducing her best friend should do the trick.

Start working out. @kcin summed it up pretty nicely why you should really consider it.

Start chasing a dream. Take that one thing you're truely passionate about and start chasing it like a mad man. This thing should become your sole reason for existence. F*ck moderation. Haven't got a passion? Invent one. And no, "she is my dream" is not a valid answer.

It won't be easy friend. But we got your back.