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Posted by Conker (784 posts) -

I will preface this short (probably not) blog post with a couple of disclaimers. I am not gay. No sir, I enjoy the company of women, very much so. Actually looking back, this is similar to how I prefaced my only other blog post 2 years ago, but I digress.

This is also not a relationship advice type of post, but I insist on someone posting the xtreme advice picture, cause its RAD. Onwards then? I think so!

So I met one of my friends (who happens to be a girl) through work. We hit it off early on, hanging out, texting frequently, all that. In fact, I think shes the only girl I've been "friends" with, and nothing else. And I can't help but feel guilty lately. Why you ask? Read on!

See, recently, she's been going out of her way to tell me how close I am to her. (Sidebar: She's dating someone and I'm recently single now.) Saying things like "you've always been there for me, and I'll always be there for you". And here's the problem: I just don't feel the same way. Like I like her as a friend don't get me wrong, but I don't feel that strongly about this platonic whatever it is you wanna call it.

It's just been bothering me, and I'd appreciate any input, especially if any of you duders have been in similar situations.

#1 Posted by Conker (784 posts) -

I will preface this short (probably not) blog post with a couple of disclaimers. I am not gay. No sir, I enjoy the company of women, very much so. Actually looking back, this is similar to how I prefaced my only other blog post 2 years ago, but I digress.

This is also not a relationship advice type of post, but I insist on someone posting the xtreme advice picture, cause its RAD. Onwards then? I think so!

So I met one of my friends (who happens to be a girl) through work. We hit it off early on, hanging out, texting frequently, all that. In fact, I think shes the only girl I've been "friends" with, and nothing else. And I can't help but feel guilty lately. Why you ask? Read on!

See, recently, she's been going out of her way to tell me how close I am to her. (Sidebar: She's dating someone and I'm recently single now.) Saying things like "you've always been there for me, and I'll always be there for you". And here's the problem: I just don't feel the same way. Like I like her as a friend don't get me wrong, but I don't feel that strongly about this platonic whatever it is you wanna call it.

It's just been bothering me, and I'd appreciate any input, especially if any of you duders have been in similar situations.

#2 Posted by punkxblaze (2990 posts) -

Be really sickeningly nice to her. No, seriously. Trust me on this one.

#3 Posted by McGhee (6094 posts) -

You are broken as a man.

That is all.

#4 Posted by Conker (784 posts) -

@punkxblaze said:

Be really sickeningly nice to her. No, seriously. Trust me on this one.

Care to elaborate :)

#5 Posted by ManU_Fan10ne (662 posts) -

I have no idea how to answer this, I'm pretty bad at giving relationship advice

But...you did come to the right place.

#6 Posted by Conker (784 posts) -

@McGhee said:

You are broken as a man.

That is all.

I posted the blog with that video fully in mind. I really dont wanna sleep with her though. I mean, shes not ugly or fat or anything but ...

#7 Edited by Conker (784 posts) -

@ManU_Fan10ne said:

I have no idea how to answer this, I'm pretty bad at giving relationship advice

But...you did come to the right place.

You are my hero, but Real Madrid all the way son. And its not THAT kind of relationship.

#8 Posted by Demoskinos (15019 posts) -

Touch her shoulder.

#9 Posted by Conker (784 posts) -

@Demoskinos: I cant believe I didn't think of that already :P

#10 Posted by Zomgfruitbunnies (845 posts) -

@Conker: I'm in a very similar situation, OP.

A girl who I met at work seems to have grown attached to me despite the fact that she was (maybe still is?) dating my cousin who also happens to work in the same office (he literally sits beside me). After a company dinner, we went out for some karaoke last Friday (without my cousin, who left after dinner to go play cards) and she got real drunk and was grabbing on to me constantly/putting her head on my shoulder/chest (even before she was wasted) and kept asking me to take her to the bathroom because she had to urinate frequently after drinking. I didn't do anything out of line because I wasn't sure of her situation with my cousin and there were other coworkers present. I'm not interested in her since she's only 19 and I'm 25. My cousin's family wasn't all that keen on their relationship because of their age gap (my cousin is 32), and kept trying to persuade him to break up with her.

I can also use some advice here.

#11 Posted by believer258 (11999 posts) -

I am glad that I crawled out of bed after being unable to sleep to check GB. An internet dude whose problem isn't that he can't get the girl, but that he doesn't want the girl that wants him? Whoa!

On topic... be honest? Being friend-zoned sucks but I'd personally rather hear the harsh truth now than the sugar-coated half-truth that comes crashing down later.

Also, just to be certain, here's the Wiki page for Platonic. A platonic relationship isn't sexual; I don't know if you were implying that that's where she wants to head or not.

#12 Posted by Conker (784 posts) -

@believer258: Well see that's the thing. I really dont think she wants it to head into THAT kind of relationship; I am aware what platonic means haha

#13 Posted by believer258 (11999 posts) -

@Conker said:

@believer258: Well see that's the thing. I really dont think she wants it to head into THAT kind of relationship; I am aware what platonic means haha

In that case... sorry.

But if you don't want to be really, really close friends, then... I dunno.

#14 Posted by Oldirtybearon (4851 posts) -

@believer258 said:

I am glad that I crawled out of bed after being unable to sleep to check GB. An internet dude whose problem isn't that he can't get the girl, but that he doesn't want the girl that wants him? Whoa!

On topic... be honest? Being friend-zoned sucks but I'd personally rather hear the harsh truth now than the sugar-coated half-truth that comes crashing down later.

Also, just to be certain, here's the Wiki page for Platonic. A platonic relationship isn't sexual; I don't know if you were implying that that's where she wants to head or not.

Pretty sure OP is implying that they currently have a platonic relationship, and he wants it to stay that way.

#15 Posted by Conker (784 posts) -

@believer258: That's what I'm confused about really

#16 Posted by TheHT (11526 posts) -

I'm not seeing a problem here. Just because she's commenting on how close a friendship you two have doesn't mean she wants to jump on your dick.

#17 Posted by Conker (784 posts) -

@TheHT: Not was I was saying. I'm saying I don't feel as close to her as she feels to me. Not that she wants the D

#18 Posted by TheHT (11526 posts) -

@Conker said:

@TheHT: Not was I was saying. I'm saying I don't feel as close to her as she feels to me. Not that she wants the D

Ah, well if you're very uncomfortable about it you could always just put some distance between you two. Not hang out so much, not communicate as often, whatever. Or just be the same and not reciprocate any talk like "we'll always be there for each other." I'm sure she'll figure you simply don't want to be that chummy chummy.

#19 Posted by joshthebear (2700 posts) -

Since it's the holidays:

#20 Posted by OmegaChosen (646 posts) -

That's quite unfortunate. Personally I'd probably just grit my teeth and hope nothing ever happens that would test the friendship to those extents but if you're looking for a more active solution, maybe get a mutual friend to help relay that you're not that invested in your friendship? Telling her straight up to her face that she's just a normal friend instead of a true companion seems a bit harsh to me but a mutual friend explaining that you're not that invested on your side of things might lessen the blow some. At the very least it would allow her some time to get used to the idea that you're not that friendly if she decides to confront you about it rather than having to deal with the suddenness if you just said it to her face. That's just me though.

#21 Posted by MegaLombax (395 posts) -

I'm going to hazard a guess and say that she's only implying that you're a really good friend. That's all. In any case, if you don't feel comfortable with the level of closeness between the two of you, you could just push her away bit by bit.

#22 Posted by Napalm (9020 posts) -

@Demoskinos said:

Touch her shoulder.

Put your hand... on her knee? Is that what it is? Goddamn, it's been too long since one of these threads and I've already forgotten what the two "touch" phrases are.

#23 Posted by Conker (784 posts) -

@MegaLombax: I understand that. I'm saying that I just dont feel the same way

#24 Posted by Revan_NL (345 posts) -

Don't touch her shoulder

#25 Edited by wjb (1676 posts) -

A woman from work wanted to be friends with me, and although she was nice, I had no interest in being her friend. I'm nice, though, and agreed to do stuff with her occasionally outside work, but I was always really bored because we hardly had anything in common. I eventually started to decline her invitations, and she got the message and stopped asking.

It sucks, but either deal with it and hope she's not interested in you -- which might be the case -- or start keeping her at arm's length.

#26 Posted by MegaLombax (395 posts) -

@Conker: It isn't a rule that you have to reciprocate what another person feels, though on her part, it would kind of suck to know that someone you trust doesn't feel as connected. If I were in your position, I'd just act normally and wait for something to happen that would test and see how far you're willing to go for this person. I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that tho.

#27 Posted by wjb (1676 posts) -

@Zomgfruitbunnies: You seem like you're in the right direction. No offense since he's your family, but your cousin sounds like a "classy" guy. I can't imagine how I could ever date someone that much younger than me -- at that age -- without taking advantage of them.

#28 Posted by Conker (784 posts) -

@MegaLombax: Yea, what youre saying makes a lot of sense. Its not that I don't want to be her friend, its just I don't feel the same level of "friendship" you can say as she does. And youre right, I hope it doesnt come to that.

#29 Posted by NTM (7486 posts) -

So basically, you want to be close to her, but not that close to her, even though it's not necessarily going anywhere in a sexually attractive manner? You think she's being too affectionate, and you would like it to be toned down just a bit? Huh... That is interesting.

#30 Posted by amir90 (2171 posts) -

Friendzone on the other side? We must saviour this moment!
Nah bro, don´t listen to my advice, just do whatever you feel.

#31 Posted by Conker (784 posts) -

@NTM: In a nutshell, yes. Also, define 'close'

#32 Posted by Conker (784 posts) -

@amir90: The saviour of the off topic forums is amongst you! Cherish these moments!

Ha, its not a friend zone in that sense of the word. Its more of a less intense friend zone, strictly platonically speaking :P

#33 Edited by NTM (7486 posts) -

I don't understand, if you believe she's pretty, and you like her personality, why wouldn't you wait for her to stop being with another guy to be with her? You should tell her that if she's with another guy, it's only right for her to not be as close to you as she's being, and reassure her that you're not trying to stop the friendship between you, only that what she's doing isn't right since she has a boyfriend. Furthermore, does she know you're not gay? :P

I think you don't believe she's all that attractive, but you also think, even though she is not here to witness you write this stuff, it's morally wrong to say someone you like such as her is ugly. I also think you don't want to seem shallow, though realistically, if you're not both physically and mentally attracted to a person, it's going to be very hard to want to be with a person I feel; that may be another discussion though. I think instead of being on here and making conversation about the topic, you should try and talk to her about what's concerning you, if it is indeed concerning you.

#34 Posted by beeftothetaco (425 posts) -

It could be that she THINKS that you are into her and is trying to make it clear that she only wants to be friends. It's happened to me before.

#35 Posted by JoeBigfoot (110 posts) -

@Conker said:

See, recently, she's been going out of her way to tell me how close I am to her. (Sidebar: She's dating someone and I'm recently single now.) Saying things like "you've always been there for me, and I'll always be there for you". And here's the problem: I just don't feel the same way. Like I like her as a friend don't get me wrong, but I don't feel that strongly about this platonic whatever it is you wanna call it.

I suggest dropping to word cunt randomly into conversation. Women HATE that. Instant turnoff.

#36 Posted by Raven10 (1851 posts) -

I've been in a similar situation. Girl was way more into me than I was into her. She was a decent friend but she wanted to be really close and at times even wanted to date. I didn't mind being around her so I made it clear that I wasn't interested in anything romantic and gave her support when she needed it. Luckily it never came to a point where I had to choose between her and someone I was a lot closer to. This was in high school and eventually I left for college. Kept in touch for a couple of years then she changed her phone number and deleted her Facebook (not because of me) and I decided that was a good excuse to cut ties. You of course are stuck with her in your workplace. I think it's important to make clear boundaries with her. Being honest now will be a lot easier than that nebulous future situation where she needs more than you can give her. Best that she know now and not expect your support because if she really is counting on you to be there for her then it would really suck if you weren't.

Also, I've been in a relationship where I was really close friends with someone who was dating another guy. I was perfectly fine being her friend. I probably would have dated her if she wanted but I wasn't that into her in that way. We were just really good friends. She ended up moving away and deleting her Facebook, but I still try to keep in touch with her. The guy also proposed to her and they are getting married. I was perfectly happy for them. Glad she found happiness because she's a really incredible person. Guess my point in this story is that it is certainly possible to be really good friends with a girl who is dating another guy. If you both are clear on what you want from the relationship, and also make sure it is clear to the boyfriend then all should be well. If he is too jealous to accept her having any guy friends than they probably shouldn't be dating. It's all about solid communication and trusting the people you care about to be honest with you about their feelings towards you and towards others.

#37 Posted by MonkeyMitcho (115 posts) -

What's a girl? Well anyways you should just be honest with her (duh) if she takes it harshly than was she really meant to be your friend?

#38 Posted by SmilingPig (1340 posts) -

Most women change side of the street when they see me walking on the same side as they are and they freak when I change side also and start yelling: “Why did you change side? Hey....hey...HEY! “.

But, to be serious, yes I had 3 of those relationships in my life and they all ended in a pool of regret and bitterness.

#39 Posted by Grillbar (1872 posts) -

the only female friends i have are either in a relationship (making somehow not feel anything for them also works when im in a relationship then i dont find anyone else attractive until i loose feelings for her and/or break up) x-gf's or girls who i do not find physical attractive. now that does not mean that they are trolls but theres just something that not working for me.

that my imput.

but if she wants to start something just shut her down and move on. if not then there is no problem until either of you have feelings for each other.

#40 Posted by medacris (666 posts) -

Not being interested in one woman out of millions doesn't make you gay. That's why men and women CAN be friends, because many times there's a mutual lack of romantic interest, and you can just be buddies and go and play video games together after work and talk.

Just be honest with her. Maybe she's not interested in you after all, she's just an affectionate person. I had to learn the hard way that not everyone likes to be hugged or told how amazing they are on a regular basis.

#41 Posted by MordeaniisChaos (5730 posts) -

@Conker: Just have some balls? Fuckin' kids these days don't know how to fuckin say anything! You remind me of my sister spending five hours talking to half of my family on how to say something to a boy she likes. JUST SAY HOW YOU FEEL. IT'S SIMPLE. Or if you're a pussy, just never deny or state that you feel the same, and if you can't live up to her expectations you can just say "hey lady, I never promised you a rose garden!"

At the very least, don't bullshit her and try and pass off like you do feel that way. Just be a friend, continue on, and let her feel the way she does. I doubt she is willing to be there for ya just because she expects you to do the same, let her care for you however she decides to (keeping things appropriate of course) and care for her however you wish. Things don't hav to balance out and feeling guilty that she cares about you doesn't make much sense at all.

In short, stop pussyfooting around, grow up and just be honest. They are words, not mountains. It's not hard to spit em out.

#42 Posted by Dagbiker (6978 posts) -

I have no interest in relationships beyond friendships with woman. But I am not attracted to men

Not being interested in the opposite sex doesn't make you gay. Being interested in the same sex dose, and even that isn't set in stone.

#43 Posted by Village_Guy (2638 posts) -

What a delightfully fickle situation you have found yourself in chap, just be good ol' straight with her if you feel things spin out of your control, that is my holiday hint for you.

#44 Posted by TheDudeOfGaming (6078 posts) -

Catch her on the rebound.

#45 Posted by Downloaded (184 posts) -

I think it's possible but not altogether likely due to the fact that we're programmed to want to bone. Most of the time guys will develop feelings for girls but sometimes it the other way around- we've all been there. It's not your fault that you're not interested, nor is she wrong for developing a crush or whatever (if that's the case). I tend to believe that a large number of women know about the feelings their guy friends harbor for them, and then pretend not to so that they can lord it over them, pandering to their own sense of insecurity because they think they're too fat, ugly, have daddy issues, etc. It also doesn't help that people always want what they can't have.

#46 Posted by pyromagnestir (4327 posts) -

So your looking to be buddies, but your worried she's looking to be besties?

"Talk to her not us" is probably advice that is sound. Although I've never really tried telling someone I want to be friends, but not best friends. That seems like a weird distinction to have to make.

#47 Posted by Ravenlight (8040 posts) -
  1. Kidnap her
  2. Stockholm Syndrome
  3. ???
  4. Profit
#48 Posted by NinjaBerd (221 posts) -

The best advice anyone can give you is to be honest. When I was younger I made a lot of stupid friendship/relationship mistakes purely because I either was not being honest with myself, or honest with my friends/girlfriends. When you are completely yourself, and completely honest you will do the right thing.

Sometimes being honest means that you will have to tell people that you don't know what you want or things like that.

Lastly, anyone who thinks Men and Women cannot be purely friends is mistaken. Every single one of my closest friends is a woman. Sure, I am not as bad as Paul Rudd in "I Love You Man", but its pretty close. And it works out just fine for me.

#49 Posted by Sploder (917 posts) -

Tell her you're gay problem solved

#50 Posted by Scrawnto (2456 posts) -

Well, even if you are her best friend, she doesn't have to be your best friend. I've definitely been in friendships where my best friend had other friends that they confided in more, and I wasn't offended or anything. The most I can really say is don't lead her on if it turns out she is crushing on you.