Self Wallowing -- Christmas Eve and all that...

N.B. I have nowhere else to type shit like this since I commercialised my blog so, here it is.

I used to consider myself quite popular when I was in the last year of sixth form. I got the impression the younger kids liked chatted to me because it made them look badass in front of chums, I was more a buddy with teachers than a friend, I was kinda at the front of social activity. And I fucking hated it. So often I wanted to blend into the background, miss parties, etc. etc. And I did. I revelled in it, sitting in the background and observing everyone instead of being the observed. It was around this time I read The Catcher In The Rye which kinda became my salvation. It made me feel like I wasn't alone. Having all this opportunity to meet people and this respect but hating every second of it.

I hate (or hated?) other people. Spent so long wanting to disappear.

Two years on it's all changed. Having pushed everyone away, spent so long on my own, taken measures to avoid people (for two whole years -- no phone, rarely Facebook, rarely MySpace, never MSN anymore). I rarely see all my buddies anymore. I've no doubt they've given up on me -- I wouldn't want to try and involve someone who clearly doesn't want to be involved. But I sit here on Christmas Eve wondering if it was worth it.

I'm happy yes. I'm not a moping moody person. I'm still super confident with others when I have to be. I just dropped off the radar. And it's nights like tonight, when everyone is out in the town, in the pubs, in the clubs, catching up with each other that I sit here depressed that I'm not there with them.

The irony is that I know if I was sitting with them, I'd be depressed I wasn't sitting at home on my own.

Anyone else feel like when you're not with people you wished you were, but when you are you dream of getting away?

N.B. I have nowhere else to type shit like this since I commercialised my blog so, here it is.

I used to consider myself quite popular when I was in the last year of sixth form. I got the impression the younger kids liked chatted to me because it made them look badass in front of chums, I was more a buddy with teachers than a friend, I was kinda at the front of social activity. And I fucking hated it. So often I wanted to blend into the background, miss parties, etc. etc. And I did. I revelled in it, sitting in the background and observing everyone instead of being the observed. It was around this time I read The Catcher In The Rye which kinda became my salvation. It made me feel like I wasn't alone. Having all this opportunity to meet people and this respect but hating every second of it.

I hate (or hated?) other people. Spent so long wanting to disappear.

Two years on it's all changed. Having pushed everyone away, spent so long on my own, taken measures to avoid people (for two whole years -- no phone, rarely Facebook, rarely MySpace, never MSN anymore). I rarely see all my buddies anymore. I've no doubt they've given up on me -- I wouldn't want to try and involve someone who clearly doesn't want to be involved. But I sit here on Christmas Eve wondering if it was worth it.

I'm happy yes. I'm not a moping moody person. I'm still super confident with others when I have to be. I just dropped off the radar. And it's nights like tonight, when everyone is out in the town, in the pubs, in the clubs, catching up with each other that I sit here depressed that I'm not there with them.

The irony is that I know if I was sitting with them, I'd be depressed I wasn't sitting at home on my own.

Anyone else feel like when you're not with people you wished you were, but when you are you dream of getting away?

I feel exactly the same way man, I just can't make my mind up where I want to be.

Whenever I feel like going out and doing something no one is around and whenever I just want to stay at home I always have people trying to drag me along with them. Incredibly annoying.
However I find myself wanting to stay in more and more now and it's starting to get depressing, I feel like a lot of my friends are drifting away... I guess now is the best time for me to lose friends since I am going to uni next year.

Sigh, Oh Well...

I experianced something similar when I was in a back brace... I'll type out the long windedness of it all...

ok, I'm 16, I'm finally starting to get over some issues from my past, my confidence is getting better and better and I had a core group of 5 close friends, but, as soon as I got in the back brace, I got depressed, I started pushing people away because I felt pathetic, felt like I needed to be alone, and slowly, my friends started to give up on me, I got more and more depressed, and only two people didn't give up on me... my girlfriend (who at the time was just my best friend) and her identical twin. I was happy to have them as friends, but because of the brace, I just wanted to be alone most of the time, and it was especially hard on me, because I also wanted to tell my girlfriend how I felt about her at the time, but didn't because I thought she needed a guy who could be there for her more. And yeah it was especially bad around christmas...
ok sorry for that long ramble, but yeah hope you feel better soon, and why not just hang out with just one person ocasionally, it might prevent you from feeling depressed on days like today.

Yeah I know that feeling, it`s not a fun life-style. I dislike crowded areas, I don`t really like being around a group of people unless I`m consuming alcohol. The only person I hang around with lately is my girlfriend, but I`m going to be around family for the holidays so hopefully that will be good.

I feel the exact same way. I want to hang out with my friends but I want to stay home at the same time.

I can't really relate, I've always been somewhere in between. Though I'm always going out with my friends, going to parties and enjoying myself, I've never been Mr popular. I'm loved by my group of friends, but no one is given more attention then anyone else, and that's how my sixth form works really; you hang out with whoever you like, there's no hierarchy that differentiates whose cool or not, or who hangs out with who. Therefore no one suffers from always being center of attention.

I used to feel like this a few years ago. I couldn't go anywhere outside, crowds would scare me, I used to get the feeling people were staring at me which would lead me to these terrbile panic attacks. I guess it was all part of adolescense. I was able to maintain a couple of friends which, for reasons that are beyond me, never gave up on me. But now in college I've met some people wich I believ I'll be with for a long time, so in this regard I'm okay.

The funny thing is, while Chirstmas is usually the "self wallowing" period of most people, it never was for me. Mostly because it meant I was about to get tons of games, and I'd be able to stray away in them for a long time to come.

I don't know if this relates to waht you feel Sammy, but I used to get a feeling that I wouldn't leave my house unless someone called. It was like I was always expecting that suprise party that never came; I don't know, it's hard to explain. But calling someone myself was beyond me. Just don't enter the self wallow for the heck of being able to say "I'm self wallowing"; I used to do this, and it was horrible.

don't worry giant bomb will cheer u up!

"It was around this time I read The Catcher In The Rye which kinda became my salvation."

"don't worry giant bomb will cheer u up!"