#1 Posted by Raven10 (1924 posts) -

So I've always wanted to create a girl advice thread in off topic but I've never really had anything to get advice on. But I'm bored today so I thought I would ask you guys your opinion on my relationship with a girl. Now I've seen enough of these threads to know that it is really annoying when someone gives no context to these things so I'll give a brief history of our relationship.

So when I was in high school I met this girl. We'll call her J. J and I were both socially incompetent, deeply disturbed and entirely unable to form healthy relationships of any sort. So of course we bonded immediately. We became good friends over the course of the next year. Then we got into a huge fight. It was one of those pointless high school fights that in hindsight was just a stupid thing to fight over. Long story short she started spreading terrible rumors about me which almost got me expelled and arrested and turned virtually every friend I had against me. She eventually agreed to stop spreading rumors if I promised to never speak to her again.

Fast forward three years. I'm in college and she's living with an alcoholic rocker and a heroine addict in the bad section of town. One day, completely out of the blue she contacts me and begs for forgiveness. She doesn't remember the event described above, but she knew she was a bitch to me in high school and wanted to say how sorry she was and wondered if I would give her a second chance. Now I always believe in giving second chances, so I agreed. We again became good friends and I helped her get through that really rough period in her life. She truly had changed. She was still very disturbed and depressed, but she had matured greatly and so had I. Eventually she met a guy who we will call T. She and T hit it off and started dating. I was happy for her. Over the next several years, T helped her pull her life together. She worked through her issues and became a happy and healthy person. Last summer I graduated from college and returned home. I spent a lot of time with J and she revealed to me she wanted to break up with T. I told her to do what made her happy. She eventually broke up with him, but just around that time my parents and I moved away.

Over the next several months J and I talked almost every day over the phone or online. I soon realized I had fallen madly in love with her. I didn't know if she felt the same and in any case didn't really want to start a long distance relationship unless she really was going to go in full swing with me. Recently we had a couple conversations and it is these conversations I want you to help me with. Now before you say it, I know I could always just ask her how she feels but I don't like going into something like this without a plan of attack so to speak.

So two weeks ago she crashed her car and it was totaled. First thing to note is as far as I know I was the first person she told and she didn't tell at least one really close friend until several days after. So after she told me I asked her if there was anything I could do to help.

J said, "Not unless you have four thousand lying around."

I said, "You know if I did it would be yours."

J said, "I was just joking."

I said, "I wasn't. I wish I could offer you more than kind words."

J said, "And I want to give you a huge hug. You are the sweetest."

So normally when a girl says you are nice that is a surefire sign that you have been friend zoned but in this situation I was being really sweet and she knew I meant it and I really wanted to help.

Second case. A week later I found a Doctor Who mug on Amazon. Now J loves Doctor Who and she collects mugs. So I offered to buy it for her for Christmas. She told me she loved it but she couldn't afford to get anyone anything for Christmas and I was already getting her something else. Then she mentioned that she didn't know if I knew she collected mugs. Then the following exchange occurred:

I said, "I know you collect mugs. You mentioned it offhand one."

J said, "You are AMAZING [her emphasis] for remembering that."

I said, and this is the abridged version, "I only talk to people when I really care what they have to say. So unlike most people I remember what people tell me."

J said, "You are a better person than I."

I said, "And because you are pretty close to my favorite person I remember most everything you say."

J said, "You are the best. You say the nicest things without even trying."

I said, "I mean all of them."

J said, "You're making me blush."

Then she said she was going to go take a nap and the conversation ended.

So based on those two exchanges would you say I'm completely friend zoned because of her talking about how nice I was, or do you think she was just really flattered? Mind you this is a good example of how our average conversations go. Are these friend zone conversations or do you think she might like me as much as I like her?

#2 Posted by ShockD (2421 posts) -

This would go better as a blog post I think.
 
On-topic - they aren't. Nice is more of a character quality while sweet is more of a physical qualification. Or at least this is how I explain them to myself.

#3 Edited by Ducksworth (662 posts) -

I don't feel like digging up the picture of the Ryan/Giant Bomb hotline, lets pretend I posted it. I have no meaningful insight to offer in regards to the actual post though.

#4 Posted by Raven10 (1924 posts) -

@Ducksworth: Damn you. I want that picture in my thread. It won't be the same without it.

#5 Posted by Ravenlight (8011 posts) -
Wrong hotline?
#6 Edited by Sooty (8082 posts) -

I would say they are largely the same, but sweet is more likely to be used if you buy someone a gift or do something spontaneous for them...like touching her shoulder.

#7 Posted by pyromagnestir (4339 posts) -

Binary Domain likely has the answers you seek. Turn to the guidance of Big Bo.

#8 Posted by Imsorrymsjackson (850 posts) -
#9 Posted by Chrjz (338 posts) -

Honestly, most of the stuff you wrote there is so cheeseball that she must already know you're interested. She's probably trying to keep it friendly because long distance relationships are not the best idea.

#10 Posted by LiquidPrince (16181 posts) -

You know what, just ask her. Preface it by saying that you don't want to make it weird but just ask her if she would ever like actually go out with you. I would frame the question something like: "I don't want to make this weird so if you aren't interested just straight up to tell me, but I really like you, as you know, and I was wondering if you would go out with me. I only ask because as long as I have these unresolved feelings I feel like I can't be as good a friend as I should be, because there always this thought in the back of my mind."

#11 Posted by Scrawnto (2466 posts) -

To my mind when discussing personality, sweet describes thoughtfulness while nice describes kindness.

#12 Posted by stryker1121 (1584 posts) -

@Raven10: I think the differences between sweet and nice are irrelevant at this point. No offense, sir, but by those convos you transcribed i think this girl has friend-zoned you. And "madly in love" or not, I'd be a little wary of a girl who makes off-hand requests for large sums of cash.

#13 Posted by GunstarRed (5477 posts) -
Online
#14 Posted by JasonR86 (9728 posts) -

@Imsorrymsjackson said:

Well done. I'm glad to see the status quo is being kept.

#15 Posted by Raven10 (1924 posts) -

@LiquidPrince @Chrjz: I am going to resolve the issue soon enough. But I don't like leaving things to chance. If I'm going to ask a girl out I'm not going to half ass it. I'll share my elaborate, overly romantic plan. So she loves Joss Whedon stuff. And her birthday was a week ago. So for a Christmas/Birthday present I was going to commission an artist to make a card for me with Joss Whedon characters wishing her a happy birthday. But that didn't seem like enough. So I told him to give me the files and I would make a completely interactive card. So I have characters each saying quotes from the show and as she reads more quotes she unlocks more of a poem I wrote for her (don't worry I was a poetry minor so it's good poetry) and then once she's seen everything the card will start playing Rose of My Heart with me singing it to her. Then I ask her out. If that doesn't work then nothing will.

#16 Posted by Aegon (5839 posts) -

@stryker1121 said:

@Raven10: I think the differences between sweet and nice are irrelevant at this point. No offense, sir, but by those convos you transcribed i think this girl has friend-zoned you. And "madly in love" or not, I'd be a little wary of a girl who makes off-hand requests for large sums of cash.

Yeah, I know people change and that past mistakes might not be a good way to judge their present selves, but depending on what grade in high school you were in, she should of had a bit of maturity back then and not caused you that much fucking trouble. Rumours that could get you expelled? Wtf. The alcoholic, drug addicted boyfriend seems like a mistake that kind of person would make.

Online
#17 Posted by Imsorrymsjackson (850 posts) -

@JasonR86 said:

@Imsorrymsjackson said:

Well done. I'm glad to see the status quo is being kept.

I was pretty amazed it hadn't been posted already, got to keep up traditions!!

#18 Edited by Marcsman (3294 posts) -

They are different. Would you rather have a nice piece of ass or a sweet piece of ass? It's not even close

#19 Edited by Jazzycola (658 posts) -

Relationship advice is really dumb. No matter what you tell a person they're going to do what they wanted to do. The only way to know what to do in a relationship or a quest for a relationship is to make the mistake and learn from it. Honestly, sounds like you were already into her way before now and you've been holding out for her (though I don't know if you dated anyone while at college). I did the exact same thing. I chased after a girl who even myself knew it would never work out, ended up wasting 3 years for a few months of occasional happiness. In the end, I learned a couple lesson. Close friendships with the opposite sex rarely work as eventually the closeness that you exhibit turns into feelings for more (not just men but women also). Also, don't ever try to start a relationship with a girl you knew in high school. As much as people think they might've changed, chances are both people will turn back into the kids they were in high school. But again make your own mistakes and learn from them.

Edit: Forgot to answer your topic title. It's the same.

#20 Posted by Raven10 (1924 posts) -

@Aegon said:

@stryker1121 said:

@Raven10: I think the differences between sweet and nice are irrelevant at this point. No offense, sir, but by those convos you transcribed i think this girl has friend-zoned you. And "madly in love" or not, I'd be a little wary of a girl who makes off-hand requests for large sums of cash.

Yeah, I know people change and that past mistakes might not be a good way to judge their present selves, but depending on what grade in high school you were in, she should of had a bit of maturity back then and not caused you that much fucking trouble. Rumours that could get you expelled? Wtf. The alcoholic, drug addicted boyfriend seems like a mistake that kind of person would make.

On the cash thing, she was joking. There was more to the conversation leading up to that, that made it clear she was joking.

She has greatly changed, trust me. We were both really fucked up in high school. We both changed a hell of a lot. She knows she's made a lot of mistakes in the past and has worked her ass off to fix them. I wasn't completely blameless in the situation either. I started the fight in the first place. She kind of took it way too far, but I think she was really threatened so she overreacted. She had no reason to come back into my life. She chose to apologize and try to start over. We haven't had even an argument since then. She's been there for me whenever I needed her, so I have no doubts that she has changed.

#21 Posted by Aegon (5839 posts) -

@Marcsman said:

They are different. Would you rather have a nice piece of ass or a sweet piece of ass? It's not even close

I don't know which one you're saying is the obvious choice, but the fact that saying "sweet piece of ass" adds a connotation of someone tasting ass, I'd pick "nice" instead.

Online
#22 Posted by Raven10 (1924 posts) -

@Jazzycola: Generally good advice. We'll see if you are right. I don't know if it will work out or not but I think it would. I wouldn't chase after something if it was impossible. I also wouldn't "hold out" for her if something better came along. I didn't date anyone else in college, but for most of those years I didn't even think about her. I just don't like people very much so I never met a girl I was interested in. Right now she is the best girl I know so I am going to go after her. If I were to meet someone else I would go for it. If we are meant to be together it will happen. As for the High School thing, I generally agree, but trust me that this is a special case where significant things happened in both of our lives that completely changed who we were.

#23 Posted by Marcsman (3294 posts) -

@Aegon said:

@Marcsman said:

They are different. Would you rather have a nice piece of ass or a sweet piece of ass? It's not even close

I don't know which one you're saying is the obvious choice, but the fact that saying "sweet piece of ass" adds a connotation of someone tasting ass, I'd pick "nice" instead.

A Targaryen reply no doubt.

#24 Posted by VisariLoyalist (3000 posts) -

@Imsorrymsjackson said:

@JasonR86 said:

@Imsorrymsjackson said:

Well done. I'm glad to see the status quo is being kept.

I was pretty amazed it hadn't been posted already, got to keep up traditions!!

#25 Posted by Aegon (5839 posts) -

@Marcsman said:

@Aegon said:

@Marcsman said:

They are different. Would you rather have a nice piece of ass or a sweet piece of ass? It's not even close

I don't know which one you're saying is the obvious choice, but the fact that saying "sweet piece of ass" adds a connotation of someone tasting ass, I'd pick "nice" instead.

A Targaryen reply no doubt.

+1 for implying that Targaryen enemies are butt munchers (but really just for recognizing the name (also I'm not evil )).

Online
#26 Posted by BiffMcBlumpkin (3720 posts) -

If you put a lady's wig on a dog, and you teach the dog to suck your dick - that counts brother. It counts.

#27 Posted by Little_Socrates (5715 posts) -

@GunstarRed said:

This was what I was coming in to post.

#28 Posted by Jazzycola (658 posts) -

@Raven10: That's what we all say to ourselves to rationalize these particular situations. He/She is special, he/she has changed, etc etc. But hey the only way to be 100% sure is to jump in so go ahead.

#29 Posted by Downloaded (185 posts) -

@Raven10: Bro. May I call you bro? Firstly, "I wish I could offer you more than kind words"...gag me with a spoon, but whatever. Here's the deal. Nice and sweet are just words and don't really hold any bearing on your situation. You were being a wee little sweetie and she told you so. It's not a big deal either way. You also don't need an elaborate plan to ask someone out, though if you think that's right for you, go for it. All you can really do is man up and tell her you like her. If she feels the same way, great, if she doesn't, it will hardly mean the end of your friendship. Just do it.

#30 Posted by ValiantGrizzly (497 posts) -
@Raven10

@LiquidPrince@Chrjz: I am going to resolve the issue soon enough. But I don't like leaving things to chance. If I'm going to ask a girl out I'm not going to half ass it. I'll share my elaborate, overly romantic plan. So she loves Joss Whedon stuff. And her birthday was a week ago. So for a Christmas/Birthday present I was going to commission an artist to make a card for me with Joss Whedon characters wishing her a happy birthday. But that didn't seem like enough. So I told him to give me the files and I would make a completely interactive card. So I have characters each saying quotes from the show and as she reads more quotes she unlocks more of a poem I wrote for her (don't worry I was a poetry minor so it's good poetry) and then once she's seen everything the card will start playing Rose of My Heart with me singing it to her. Then I ask her out. If that doesn't work then nothing will.

Stop trolling.
#31 Posted by Downloaded (185 posts) -

@BiffMcBlumpkin: Jesus that was funny.

#32 Posted by xdaknightx69 (450 posts) -

friend zoned or not just ask her if she is interested. confidence is what women like in a man and i'm pretty sure she already knows you might have feeling for her. just talk to her in a sincere manner and hope for the best.

if she doesn't have the same feeling for you then be sure to move on and be sure that you can handle the rejection in a mature way.

#33 Posted by Hunter5024 (5968 posts) -

As Lord Master of the Friend Zone, I would say that she sounds more into you than the girls who have friend zoned me ever do did. That could mean that she likes you, it could mean that she hasn't even considered the idea, or it could mean I suck. Either way tell her how you feel, and don't use ruining the friendship as an excuse not to, because a friendship of unrequited love will be nothing but miserable for you.

#34 Posted by YoThatLimp (1938 posts) -

@ValiantGrizzly said:

@Raven10

@LiquidPrince@Chrjz: I am going to resolve the issue soon enough. But I don't like leaving things to chance. If I'm going to ask a girl out I'm not going to half ass it. I'll share my elaborate, overly romantic plan. So she loves Joss Whedon stuff. And her birthday was a week ago. So for a Christmas/Birthday present I was going to commission an artist to make a card for me with Joss Whedon characters wishing her a happy birthday. But that didn't seem like enough. So I told him to give me the files and I would make a completely interactive card. So I have characters each saying quotes from the show and as she reads more quotes she unlocks more of a poem I wrote for her (don't worry I was a poetry minor so it's good poetry) and then once she's seen everything the card will start playing Rose of My Heart with me singing it to her. Then I ask her out. If that doesn't work then nothing will.

Stop trolling.

This.

You are too god damn old to be doing things like this, you are adults, stop it.

#35 Edited by Wrighteous86 (3823 posts) -

@Raven10 said:

@LiquidPrince @Chrjz: I am going to resolve the issue soon enough. But I don't like leaving things to chance. If I'm going to ask a girl out I'm not going to half ass it. I'll share my elaborate, overly romantic plan. So she loves Joss Whedon stuff. And her birthday was a week ago. So for a Christmas/Birthday present I was going to commission an artist to make a card for me with Joss Whedon characters wishing her a happy birthday. But that didn't seem like enough. So I told him to give me the files and I would make a completely interactive card. So I have characters each saying quotes from the show and as she reads more quotes she unlocks more of a poem I wrote for her (don't worry I was a poetry minor so it's good poetry) and then once she's seen everything the card will start playing Rose of My Heart with me singing it to her. Then I ask her out. If that doesn't work then nothing will.

Man you are setting yourself for a fall of epic proportions. It is PAINFULLY obvious that this girl wants nothing to do with you romantically. I'd elaborate, but odds are you'd just ignore it and tell yourself that I "don't understand" and that "it's different with you two".

Also timely:

#36 Edited by Incapability (216 posts) -

I have a helpful hint for all y'all.

It regards being "nice" - ask yourself: are you being nice in an attempt to become romantically involved, or are you just happening to be nice?

If your niceness is moderated by your desire to have sex with a person, you're probably being nice expecting to get something in return. That, I can inform you, is not known as "being nice," but a transaction.

So, you are effectively putting kindness coins into a woman-machine, hoping sex falls out. This is super creepy behaviour, and you should stop.

-

Now, uh, I ain't one of them there Internet experts, but my interpretation is that the OP is desperately trying to stuff kindness coins into this here woman, hoping she'll reciprocate with sex. Which is a transaction.

Sex is not a transaction. Nor is kindness.

#37 Posted by TheDudeOfGaming (6078 posts) -

@Marcsman said:

They are different. Would you rather have a nice piece of ass or a sweet piece of ass? It's not even close

This man possesses wisdom. Listen to him!

#38 Posted by Raven10 (1924 posts) -

@Incapability: No. Just no. If she likes me then good. If not that won't change how I treat her. Just way off the mark here dude. I wouldn't date someone I didn't deeply care about just to have sex with them anyways. That is just against all of my morals.

#39 Posted by Raven10 (1924 posts) -

@Wrighteous86: If I didn't want people's advice I wouldn't have posted the the topic. Please share your thoughts.