Edited by z3n
- 4 months, 13 days ago
Long time reader/viewer/lurker, but registering to offer my own insight, as your situation brings me back to when I'd faced my own darker time. This might not be the best advice, but thought I'd let you know what worked for me.
Ok... I'm 39 now. I was married for 14 years when my wife decided to leave me. We'd been at a point where we might very well should have separated, but never discussed or considered it. I was not the best husband, but it does take two to make a marriage and two to break it. Unfortunately, the one who gets 'left' feels the most out of control.
Not a religious person, the only way I could get over it was to try and find some sort of logic in my choices and decisions. I wanted a second chance--wanted to show that I could be a better husband...and so on and so forth. But I hadn't been given any ultimatum or threats--she just left.
I did two things.
1) No matter how much I wanted to beg or plead or make promises, I became utterly and completely stoic and objective with my wife. When the papers came, I signed them. Alone, I finished the divorce in court and wept afterwards in the courthouse restroom. But to her, I was very matter of fact
2) I convinced myself that my solution to 'winning her back' was the same solution to 'getting over her and moving on,' which was to spend my time focusing solely on myself. Mentally, physically, spiritually, you name it--I became a fantastic employee at my job. I actually went from 390 pounds to just under 200. (There's nothing that suppresses an appetite like that hollow darkness you feel in the pit of your stomach right now).
Sure enough, I became a better person. My ex-wife and I remained in contact, because when we'd met, she had a 6 month old son, who I essentially raised. (That was another punch to the gut, that I wouldn't have rights if she kept him from me unless I fought for it in court--and I don't have $$$ for that). I watched her 'sow her oats' and start living the single life with those friends of hers that I never really liked. I never questioned her parenting or decisions in the year after our divorce, even though I wanted to do so.
I simply lived my routine and became stronger and more centered. It would have been pretty easy to get into yelling matches when post-divorce issues came up, but I always kept to the high road, choosing never to act in a negative fashion, raise my voice, etc. Hell, I'd done enough of that during the last year of the marriage.
I did go on a few dates. But it never felt right, as I wasn't 'over it'. I knew that everyone told me time would help, but it didn't.
Long story short. My transformation and behavior, over that year of divorce, was noticed by my ex-wife. We became friends, went to counselling, moved in together, and after 14 years marriage and 1 year divorced, remarried. We've been together this second go-around for about 2 years.
I'm not saying that you can 'get her back' but that if there is a chance, you've got to get almost existential and realize that right now, you can only focus and change your behaviors and actions. And I don't know your particular situation. When a divorce happens, each side seems to convince them-self of the other's dire faults--and perhaps your wife has moved on and reconciliation will never have hope. It was rough watching my ex-wife date and even have a relationship with another guy! But I was pragmatic, and loving myself--bettering myself, was my goal. Perhaps her rediscovery of what she loved in me was a one in a million fluke.
Don't consider yourself a failure, even if she's telling everyone under the sun what a sonofabitch you are. Like I said, takes two to dance and two to end it.
And you can't 'save it' alone. Even when my ex and I started dating again, she had to focus on what aspects of our failure she contributed to. Before remarriage, she'd needed to make many changes in the way she chose to communicate (or not, as was her primary issue). We learned to create healthy boundaries, where in the first go-around, we had none. There were a lot of burned bridges, because when you divorce, suddenly, there are two sides to the 'war'. Her father, who I had always been close to, of course needed to stick by his daughters side. He told me when we remarried that he was happy we're trying again. Her mother on the other hand is bat-shit crazy, and threatened to kill me after my wife had left. :) We're at a point where Christmases are tolerable.
Not sure if this is helpful--but you have to build your strength right now. Remember to eat. And don't succumb to negativity or emotions when dealing your soon to be ex. Good luck, and I really feel for your situation. I do!