So there are people on my porch and they won't leave v_v

Pee on them through the mail slot.

What the fuck is wrong with you.  Just tell them you don't want to go out. 

Answer the door naked and just stare at them. Don't say a word, just stare.

TELL them to leave. If they don't call the police. It's YOUR property, not theirs.

When it comes to friends who won't leave, I think getting into a fake argument with someone will help. Make the place as uncomfortable as possible, people tend to leave when a couple get into arguments.

Well, I would do the same thing as OP if my friends were these guys: 
 

Just go out and say you were sleeping. Tell them you don't feel well and you want to stay home. 
 
 
Though this advice is kind of useless since this post is 9 hours old. Use it for next time!

Piss all over them.

" @deusdigit: Punch them in the dick.  "

" Pee on them through the mail slot. "

*cocks 1911*

" Piss all over them. "