Tell a joke thread

I'll go first here goes:
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money, they both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here is that $20 I owe you,” he says.

how many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman??
 

A new presentation of an old, tired joke. IN SONG FORM.
 
 

No joking about the ash cloud over Europe guys. Its too soon since the catastrophe. We should wait until the dust settles.

 Potentially offensive:   
 

A german moved to Israel, converted to Judism and lived in a jewish community just to make up for what his grandparents did to jews 60 years ago. 
 A few days after that, he fell and broke his arm... guess how it got put in cast.   
 

Stuck, suck, tuck, buck, duck, luck, muck...

Why did the depressed chicken cross the road? 
 
To get over it! 
 
 
hahehaheahheahehahaheheahehaehehaehahhhhhhhhhhhahehaehahehhae

An Englishman, and Irishman and and Scotsman walk into a pub and the pub owner turns to them and says; "What is this? Some kind of joke?" 
 
What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Cardiff?  

" “Every time I go to a cousin’s wedding, my little blue-haired aunts (several hundred of them) would all come up to me, poking and shrieking,  ‘You’re next!’  They didn’t stop until I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.”  - David Gerrold  
 
"

"
   You can say plenty of bad thing's about paedophiles but... 
 

SPOILER WARNING: Click here to reveal hidden content.

At least they drive slowly past schools.

"

" Why did the depressed chicken cross the road?  To get over it!   hahehaheahheahehahaheheahehaehehaehahhhhhhhhhhhahehaehahehhae "

" "

" @nanikore said:

" Why did the depressed chicken cross the road?  To get over it!   hahehaheahheahehahaheheahehaehehaehahhhhhhhhhhhahehaehahehhae "

nani ! "

A man walks into a bar.
 
He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

Joke

" A man walks into a bar.  He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family. "

Your mom.

heres a couple i know
  No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been feeding off "I Don't Like Mondays" for 30 years 
 
 I sent my daughter to a private school. That's 73 grand's worth of education, and now she wants to be an actor? So I've asked her to do porn and give me the money back.   
  
If a dog's tail is still wagging, then how can that be rape?

 A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie, so he goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. "Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything'
 

WHAT'S BROWN AND STICKY?
 

Three priests walk into a bar - a Catholic priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Greek Orthodox priest. They start talking about how much money their churches get. The Greek Orthodox priest asks the other two priests if they pocket money from the collection plates like he does, and they admit to doing so. The Catholic priest says that he gives the collection plate a good shake left and right, and he keeps whatever money remains on the very left side. The Rabbi says that he gives the collection plate a good shake up and down, and he keeps whatever money remains at the very top.
 
The Greek Orthodox priest scoffs at them. "You don't get as much money as I do," he says. "I throw the collection plate up in the air and keep all the money that falls on the ground. If God wanted the money, he would snatch it while it was still in the air."

Two ducks are in the bathroom, and one says to the other, 'can you pass me the soap?'
 
ba-dum-tish.

why did the dead baby cross the road?

" Two ducks are in the bathroom, and one says to the other, 'can you pass me the soap?'  ba-dum-tish. "

 A guy goes to the doctor to get an eye examination. 
After a short while the doctor says "Son, you've gotta stop masturbating"
"Why" he replies "will I go blind?"
"No, but it makes it real hard for me to examine your eyes" 
 *pa-dam-pssshh*
 
oh, and another one: 
American Health Care. 
LOL, cracks me up every time....

" A man walks into a bar.  He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family. "

A grasshopper sits down at a bar. The bartender turns around and says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
 
The grasshoppers goes, "Wow, you have a drink named Tim?"

Possibly racist, but my girlfriend laughed at it, and she is Chinese.
 

" @TheHT said:

" Two ducks are in the bathroom, and one says to the other, 'can you pass me the soap?'  ba-dum-tish. "

this actually reminds me of a joke that someone i know made up. It makes no sense but gets me laughing every time.  Two ducks are floating down a river. One duck says "hey, could you pass me a bar of soap?" The other replies "What do I look like, a radio?" "

How do you get a one armed hippy out of a tree... 
 
 
 
  SPOILER WARNING: Click here to reveal hidden content.

Jokes eh? Lemmee pull out my book o' jokes... 
 *ahem* 
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping trip deep in the english countryside. They had retired for the evening and were lying there, looking up at the sky. Holmes said "Watson, look up. What do you see?" 
 
"Well, I see thousands of stars" 
 
"And what does that mean to you?" Said Holmes"

 
"Well, I guess it means we will have another fine day for the great outdoors tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Mr. Holmes?"

 
"To me, my dear Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent!"

 
   
Plagerism is awesome

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Fart.
Fart who?
Fart poo poo pee pee in toilet!
 
Source: a 3-year old at the day care I work it. It's a recurring joke.

Why wasn't the pirate allowed into the movie?
 
Because it was rated ARRRRRRRRRRR.

Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence. 

So a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Wait I think I did it wrong.

What do pennies and nipples have in common?
 

What's the capital of Pennsylvana!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
 
 
P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

" Knock knock. Who's there? Fart. Fart who? Fart poo poo pee pee in toilet!   Source: a 3-year old at the day care I work it. It's a recurring joke. "

A jew, a black, and a priest walk into a bar...
They all order a drink. FUCK YEAH!