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#1 Posted by Pop (2605 posts) -

I'll go first here goes:
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money, they both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here is that $20 I owe you,” he says.

#2 Posted by Jack_Daniels (1409 posts) -
@Pop: .... thats a pretty lame joke to start out with.
#3 Posted by hicks91 (757 posts) -
#4 Posted by Mmmslash (2166 posts) -

A new presentation of an old, tired joke. IN SONG FORM.
 
 

#5 Posted by FirePrince (1763 posts) -
@hicks91:
That is just the Luck'o' the Irish.
#6 Edited by MrSnow (1213 posts) -

No joking about the ash cloud over Europe guys. Its too soon since the catastrophe. We should wait until the dust settles.

#8 Posted by hicks91 (757 posts) -
@FirePrince: they will pay the price for being fussy eaters. If they can afford to emigrate they can at least afford to eat in a reasonably priced restaurant 
#9 Posted by AhmadMetallic (18955 posts) -

A german moved to Israel, converted to Judism and lived in a jewish community just to make up for what his grandparents did to jews 60 years ago. 
 A few days after that, he fell and broke his arm... guess how it got put in cast.   
 

#10 Posted by Vrock (77 posts) -
“Every time I go to a cousin’s wedding, my little blue-haired aunts (several hundred of them) would all come up to me, poking and shrieking,  ‘You’re next!’  They didn’t stop until I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.”  - David Gerrold  
 
#11 Posted by NegativeForce (7 posts) -
#12 Posted by rjayb89 (7717 posts) -

Stuck, suck, tuck, buck, duck, luck, muck...

#13 Posted by nanikore (2740 posts) -

Why did the depressed chicken cross the road? 
 
To get over it! 
 
 
hahehaheahheahehahaheheahehaehehaehahhhhhhhhhhhahehaehahehhae

#14 Posted by Buck (148 posts) -
#15 Posted by RandomInternetPerson (779 posts) -
#16 Posted by eroticfishcake (7782 posts) -

An Englishman, and Irishman and and Scotsman walk into a pub and the pub owner turns to them and says; "What is this? Some kind of joke?" 
 
What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Cardiff?  

#17 Posted by AhmadMetallic (18955 posts) -
@Vrock said:
" “Every time I go to a cousin’s wedding, my little blue-haired aunts (several hundred of them) would all come up to me, poking and shrieking,  ‘You’re next!’  They didn’t stop until I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.”  - David Gerrold  
 
"
hahaha i'll remember that one 
 
 
@NegativeForce said:
"
   You can say plenty of bad thing's about paedophiles but... 
 
"
haha xD 
 
 
@nanikore said:
" Why did the depressed chicken cross the road?  To get over it!   hahehaheahheahehahaheheahehaehehaehahhhhhhhhhhhahehaehahehhae "
nani !  
 
@RandomInternetPerson said:
" "
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
#18 Posted by nanikore (2740 posts) -
@Ahmad_Metallic said:
" @nanikore said:
" Why did the depressed chicken cross the road?  To get over it!   hahehaheahheahehahaheheahehaehehaehahhhhhhhhhhhahehaehahehhae "
nani ! "

#19 Posted by RandomInternetPerson (779 posts) -
@Ahmad_Metallic: I saw it in a magazine :P
#20 Posted by ajamafalous (11845 posts) -

A man walks into a bar.
 
He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

#21 Posted by armaan8014 (5328 posts) -

Joke

#22 Posted by RandomInternetPerson (779 posts) -
@ajamafalous: LOL!
#23 Posted by JacDG (2113 posts) -
@ajamafalous said:
" A man walks into a bar.  He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family. "
Nothing is ever going to be more funny so I think we can officially say
/thread
#24 Posted by MetalGearSunny (6986 posts) -

Your mom.

Online
#25 Posted by Buck (148 posts) -
@RandomInternetPerson: haha, great one!
#26 Posted by tallTuck94 (553 posts) -

heres a couple i know
  No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been feeding off "I Don't Like Mondays" for 30 years 
 
 I sent my daughter to a private school. That's 73 grand's worth of education, and now she wants to be an actor? So I've asked her to do porn and give me the money back.   
  
If a dog's tail is still wagging, then how can that be rape?

 A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie, so he goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. "Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything'
 

#27 Posted by SefaRed (120 posts) -

I prayed to God for a new bike, but I realised he didn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
#28 Posted by AjayRaz (12418 posts) -
#29 Edited by ZanzibarBreeze (3069 posts) -

Three priests walk into a bar - a Catholic priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Greek Orthodox priest. They start talking about how much money their churches get. The Greek Orthodox priest asks the other two priests if they pocket money from the collection plates like he does, and they admit to doing so. The Catholic priest says that he gives the collection plate a good shake left and right, and he keeps whatever money remains on the very left side. The Rabbi says that he gives the collection plate a good shake up and down, and he keeps whatever money remains at the very top.
 
The Greek Orthodox priest scoffs at them. "You don't get as much money as I do," he says. "I throw the collection plate up in the air and keep all the money that falls on the ground. If God wanted the money, he would snatch it while it was still in the air."

#30 Posted by RandomInternetPerson (779 posts) -
@Buck: Thanks!
#31 Posted by TheHT (10871 posts) -

Two ducks are in the bathroom, and one says to the other, 'can you pass me the soap?'
 
ba-dum-tish.

Online
#32 Posted by RubberBabyBuggyBumpers (713 posts) -

why did the dead baby cross the road?

#33 Posted by Romination (2775 posts) -
@TheHT said:
" Two ducks are in the bathroom, and one says to the other, 'can you pass me the soap?'  ba-dum-tish. "
this actually reminds me of a joke that someone i know made up. It makes no sense but gets me laughing every time.
 
Two ducks are floating down a river. One duck says "hey, could you pass me a bar of soap?" The other replies "What do I look like, a radio?"
#34 Posted by GeneralMolotov (46 posts) -

 A guy goes to the doctor to get an eye examination. 
After a short while the doctor says "Son, you've gotta stop masturbating"
"Why" he replies "will I go blind?"
"No, but it makes it real hard for me to examine your eyes" 
 *pa-dam-pssshh*
 
oh, and another one: 
American Health Care. 
LOL, cracks me up every time....

#35 Posted by Godlyawesomeguy (6385 posts) -
@ajamafalous said:
" A man walks into a bar.  He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family. "
good one?
#36 Edited by JadeGL (737 posts) -

A grasshopper sits down at a bar. The bartender turns around and says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
 
The grasshoppers goes, "Wow, you have a drink named Tim?"

#37 Edited by Ariketh (606 posts) -

Possibly racist, but my girlfriend laughed at it, and she is Chinese.
 

#38 Posted by ajamafalous (11845 posts) -
@Romination said:
" @TheHT said:
" Two ducks are in the bathroom, and one says to the other, 'can you pass me the soap?'  ba-dum-tish. "
this actually reminds me of a joke that someone i know made up. It makes no sense but gets me laughing every time.  Two ducks are floating down a river. One duck says "hey, could you pass me a bar of soap?" The other replies "What do I look like, a radio?" "
I doubt your friend made up that joke, as I've heard it before, years ago.
#39 Posted by dantheman1515 (297 posts) -
#40 Posted by masterherocard (419 posts) -

Jokes eh? Lemmee pull out my book o' jokes... 
 *ahem* 
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping trip deep in the english countryside. They had retired for the evening and were lying there, looking up at the sky. Holmes said "Watson, look up. What do you see?" 
 
"Well, I see thousands of stars" 
 
"And what does that mean to you?" Said Holmes"

 
"Well, I guess it means we will have another fine day for the great outdoors tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Mr. Holmes?"

 
"To me, my dear Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent!"

 
   
Plagerism is awesome

#41 Posted by jmrwacko (2443 posts) -

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Fart.
Fart who?
Fart poo poo pee pee in toilet!
 
Source: a 3-year old at the day care I work it. It's a recurring joke.

#42 Posted by JadeGL (737 posts) -

Why wasn't the pirate allowed into the movie?
 
Because it was rated ARRRRRRRRRRR.

#43 Posted by theMockingNoob (172 posts) -

Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence. 

#44 Posted by Twazuk (178 posts) -

So a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Wait I think I did it wrong.

#45 Posted by Organicalistic_ (2954 posts) -
@AjayRaz: Lol, wasn't thinking that
#46 Posted by PillClinton (3290 posts) -
#47 Posted by Organicalistic_ (2954 posts) -
@masterherocard: readers digest??? my grandma told me that months ago, grandma is that you??
#48 Edited by AlwaysAngry (2924 posts) -

What's the capital of Pennsylvana!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
 
 
P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#49 Posted by AlwaysAngry (2924 posts) -
@jmrwacko said:
" Knock knock. Who's there? Fart. Fart who? Fart poo poo pee pee in toilet!   Source: a 3-year old at the day care I work it. It's a recurring joke. "
I swear, I laughed hard at this.
#50 Posted by RetroIce4 (4392 posts) -

A jew, a black, and a priest walk into a bar...
They all order a drink. FUCK YEAH!