#1 Posted by Berezov (504 posts) -

Here, I'll go first. 
  
Q: What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.    
 
Willing to accept jokes about how poor this thread is and how I fail as an OP. 

#2 Posted by HitmanAgent47 (8576 posts) -

Why didn't the cookie cross the road?

 
It was feeling crummy

#3 Posted by themangalist (1731 posts) -
#4 Posted by VisariLoyalist (2991 posts) -

okay here it goes. So a few days ago I smothered a guy to death with my nutsack, if you're wondering why I carry around a nutsack it's cause I LOVE CASHEWS

#5 Posted by Raakill (870 posts) -

What's the difference between a truckload of infants and a truckload of bowling balls?
 
You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.

#6 Posted by BionicMonster (1032 posts) -

Steve Irwin died the way he lived.....with animals in his heart!(its terrible in atleast one sense of the word).

#7 Posted by VisariLoyalist (2991 posts) -

here's another. What's the difference between a ferrari and 100 dead babies? I don't have a ferrari in my garage!

#8 Posted by Berezov (504 posts) -
@VisariLoyalist:  
 
You are on fire!
#9 Posted by spiceninja (3056 posts) -

What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A RASH of good luck! HA!

#10 Posted by Allprox (540 posts) -
#11 Posted by TheKidNixon (1564 posts) -

(One of those you gotta say outloud) 
 
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? 
 
Anyone can roast beef.

#12 Posted by Video_Game_King (36272 posts) -

Here's my bad joke: Kane & Lynch. (Hey, I told you it was bad.)

#13 Posted by DoctorWelch (2774 posts) -

Why did the chicken cross the road...nevermind

#14 Posted by Landon (4138 posts) -
@PlasmaBeam44: You took mine.
#15 Posted by Atomasist (2818 posts) -
#16 Posted by TerraDelu (501 posts) -

Three peanuts were walking down the street. One was aSALTted.

#17 Posted by TurboMan (7509 posts) -
#18 Posted by hedfone (1751 posts) -

 

#19 Posted by one_2nd (2359 posts) -

I love all of the Helen Keller and dead baby jokes. 

#20 Posted by ZeForgotten (10397 posts) -

First one, really bad: A baby seal walks into a club... oh wait. 
 
 
Second one that I was told recently that I found funny at the time, I was a little tipsy. 
 
A man walks into a bar. he sits down in front of a bowl of peanuts and orders a drink. He starts snacking on the nuts as he waits for his drink. All of a sudden he hears a voice say "you're handsome". The man looks around and there's no one around, but he sits there and goes back to eating the peanuts and all of a sudden he hears "nice facial hair," and "I really like what you've done with the mustache." He looks around, strokes his beard, doesn't know where it's coming from, has another drink, and hears, "I like your shoes." Looks at his shoes and keeps looking around for the voice. The bartender comes up with the drink the man ordered and the man asks, "This may be weird, but there is someone around here saying nice things to me... is it you, man?" and the bartender says, "No, it's the peanuts; they are complimentary"

#21 Posted by Brunchies (2484 posts) -

What's sticky and slimy
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A new born baby.

#22 Posted by Andrela (621 posts) -
@ZeForgotten said:
"  Second one that I was told recently that I found funny at the time, I was a little tipsy.  A man walks into a bar. he sits down in front of a bowl of peanuts and orders a drink. He starts snacking on the nuts as he waits for his drink. All of a sudden he hears a voice say "you're handsome". The man looks around and there's no one around, but he sits there and goes back to eating the peanuts and all of a sudden he hears "nice facial hair," and "I really like what you've done with the mustache." He looks around, strokes his beard, doesn't know where it's coming from, has another drink, and hears, "I like your shoes." Looks at his shoes and keeps looking around for the voice. The bartender comes up with the drink the man ordered and the man asks, "This may be weird, but there is someone around here saying nice things to me... is it you, man?" and the bartender says, "No, it's the peanuts; they are complimentary" "
I'm also tipsy. Laughed for a good few minutes at this
#23 Posted by ZeForgotten (10397 posts) -
@Andrela said:
" @ZeForgotten said:
"  Second one that I was told recently that I found funny at the time, I was a little tipsy.  A man walks into a bar. he sits down in front of a bowl of peanuts and orders a drink. He starts snacking on the nuts as he waits for his drink. All of a sudden he hears a voice say "you're handsome". The man looks around and there's no one around, but he sits there and goes back to eating the peanuts and all of a sudden he hears "nice facial hair," and "I really like what you've done with the mustache." He looks around, strokes his beard, doesn't know where it's coming from, has another drink, and hears, "I like your shoes." Looks at his shoes and keeps looking around for the voice. The bartender comes up with the drink the man ordered and the man asks, "This may be weird, but there is someone around here saying nice things to me... is it you, man?" and the bartender says, "No, it's the peanuts; they are complimentary" "
I'm also tipsy. Laughed for a good few minutes at this "
I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one with a weird sense of humor then. 
Random and silly jokes can make me laugh easily, especially after a few drinks
#24 Posted by SilentCommando (579 posts) -

There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin says "Man, it's hot in here" and the other muffin says "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN"

#25 Posted by natetodamax (19192 posts) -

Police arrested two kids yesterday. They charged one and let the other one off. 
 
HAR HAR HAR

#26 Posted by chmod (292 posts) -
#27 Posted by Berezov (504 posts) -
#28 Posted by Crescendo1897 (114 posts) -

HEY INSERT NAME, I HAVE TOO MUCH ZAZZ 
WHATS THAT, AND HOW MUCH? 
ENOUGH THAT I COULD PIZZAZZ

#29 Posted by ZeForgotten (10397 posts) -
@SilentCommando said:
" There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin says "Man, it's hot in here" and the other muffin says "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN" "
That's the stuff I was talking about. 
Completely random jokes like that makes me laugh. 
#30 Posted by HitmanAgent47 (8576 posts) -

Why did the cannibus leaf climbed the mountain?

 
 
It wanted to get high

#31 Posted by Hailinel (24421 posts) -

This was a joke a speaker at a family reunion once told.
 
There was this married couple that once found some mushrooms growing in their back yard.  They didn't know whether or not they were safe to eat, so they fed a couple to their dog.  The dog didn't suffer any ill effects from them, so the couple decided to pluck the rest and prepare them in some of the food for a dinner party they were hosting.
 
Later that night, the dinner party was in full swing.  As the evening wore on, all of the guests had at one point or another eaten some of the mushrooms.  Then the couple's butler walks in and announces to everyone that the dog had just died.  The party immediately erupted into panic.  Paramedics were called in, and the rest of the evening was spent with the guests all getting their stomachs pumped.
 
Then, at the end of the night, the butler came back in.  "I just couldn't believe it.  How could the driver not see the poor dog out in the road like that."

#32 Posted by MooseyMcMan (10915 posts) -

This forum. Zing!

Moderator
#33 Posted by Vonocourt (2126 posts) -

 A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here." 

#34 Posted by lilbigsupermario (842 posts) -
@Hailinel said:
" This was a joke a speaker at a family reunion once told.  There was this married couple that once found some mushrooms growing in their back yard.  They didn't know whether or not they were safe to eat, so they fed a couple to their dog.  The dog didn't suffer any ill effects from them, so the couple decided to pluck the rest and prepare them in some of the food for a dinner party they were hosting.  Later that night, the dinner party was in full swing.  As the evening wore on, all of the guests had at one point or another eaten some of the mushrooms.  Then the couple's butler walks in and announces to everyone that the dog had just died.  The party immediately erupted into panic.  Paramedics were called in, and the rest of the evening was spent with the guests all getting their stomachs pumped.  Then, at the end of the night, the butler came back in.  "I just couldn't believe it.  How could the driver not see the poor dog out in the road like that." "
This is similar to a scene in the movie "Her Alibi" starring Tom Selleck.  In the movie, the girl cooked the food before she left the house, then someone assumed the food was poisoned coz the cat who ate the same cooked food died.  So the whole group panicked, went out and tried to vomit, but didn't work so they rushed to the hospital.  When the girl came back and found everyone gone, the maid told her that everyone ran out after they saw the dead cat that was actually electrocuted, not poisoned.
#35 Posted by lilbigsupermario (842 posts) -
@ZeForgotten said:
" First one, really bad: A baby seal walks into a club... oh wait.   Second one that I was told recently that I found funny at the time, I was a little tipsy.  A man walks into a bar. he sits down in front of a bowl of peanuts and orders a drink. He starts snacking on the nuts as he waits for his drink. All of a sudden he hears a voice say "you're handsome". The man looks around and there's no one around, but he sits there and goes back to eating the peanuts and all of a sudden he hears "nice facial hair," and "I really like what you've done with the mustache." He looks around, strokes his beard, doesn't know where it's coming from, has another drink, and hears, "I like your shoes." Looks at his shoes and keeps looking around for the voice. The bartender comes up with the drink the man ordered and the man asks, "This may be weird, but there is someone around here saying nice things to me... is it you, man?" and the bartender says, "No, it's the peanuts; they are complimentary" "
this is not a terrible joke! i laughed at this lol!
#36 Posted by NikoAlexander57 (359 posts) -

Your dad walks into a bar...every morning and stays there till it closes.

#37 Posted by ThePhantomnaut (6197 posts) -

Black people in Japan.

#38 Posted by Jasta (2217 posts) -

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

#39 Posted by AjayRaz (12424 posts) -
@ThePhantomnaut said:
" Black people in Japan. "
i lol'd so much  
am i a bad person? 
#40 Posted by Sykosis (124 posts) -

A Buddhist Monk walks into a Burger King, ponders a minute, then walks up to the clerk and says, "make me one with everything."

#41 Posted by Jasta (2217 posts) -

Hit Dawn French at 40 and there is a 100% chance you will die.

#42 Posted by Andrela (621 posts) -
@ZeForgotten said:
I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one with a weird sense of humor then. Random and silly jokes can make me laugh easily, especially after a few drinks "
I have a very warped sense of humour, even before I have drink in me
#43 Posted by McSmunions (582 posts) -

have you heard the one about the helicopter?
 
 
never mind, it's over your head.....
 
 
 
 
 
 
daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.

#44 Edited by Isaiah (174 posts) -

why did the dead baby cross the road 
  
because it was nailed to the chicken.
#45 Posted by RaccoonusDoodus (324 posts) -

What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding it's breath!!

#46 Posted by Jasta (2217 posts) -

Punch and Judy

Making domestic violence funny since the 16th Century

#47 Posted by robownz7 (40 posts) -

Young Native American: "How do we get out names?" 
Tribal Leader: "Well, when you are born we name you after what is happening in your surroundings." 
Tribal Leader: "For example, your father was born in the woods and in the distance was a bear, his name is Warrior Bear."
Tribal Leader: "Your mother was born in an open field and above us flew eagles, her name is Majestic Eagle."
Tribal Leader: "But why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

#48 Posted by ajamafalous (11963 posts) -
#49 Posted by n00d13z (245 posts) -

Whats pink and slimy and crawls up your leg? 
A homesick abortion.

#50 Posted by Bubahula (2197 posts) -

war does not determine who is right...only who is left