Some characters are designed to annoy and frustrate you, to invoke feelings of annoyance and anger. However some characters seem to do this by accident, and will consequently cause you to turn green and smash things in rage. Its Christmas Eve, and I have a blog to write. I'm feeling festive...
12 Video Game Characters That Do Not Deserve To Live
Tails - Sonic The Hedgehog
Tails is a complete dick. In the days of Sonic 2 he would amble along after you and mindlessly wander into enemies and spikes alike. This was itself, not such an issue. However upon jumping into the bonus mode to capture a chaos emerald, his minor delay would often cause him to smash into mines and loose you vital rings, meaning the level was failed. As the Sonic franchise "developed" Tails was progressed into a geeky sidekick with little purpose or consumer demand. There is an excessive amount of random extra characters in Sonic games which nobody seems to care about, and arguably their presence diluted the original Sonic character. For me, Tails was the beginning of the end. Someone needs to set Miles Prower on fire. Until he dies.
Sonny Resetti - Animal Crossing
As soon as I turned off the DS I knew I had fucked up. I knew I would have to sit through another fucking lecture from this stupid mole next time I turned on the console. If the game is clever enough to know when I haven’t saved, could it not just SAVE IT instead of wasting precious minutes making me talk to some pixelated dickhead who is probably trespassing on my land anyway. I don’t give a fuck about you Resetti, I'm filing a restraining order. Next time you pop up there’s going to be a fucking Bear Trap waiting for you.
T.Hawk - Super Street Fighter 2
Street Fighters are supposed to be mean and angry, they aren’t supposed to look like they just escaped from the YMCA. T.Hawk frustrates me not only because of his unfairly powerful grab attacks, but because his aesthetic turns street fighter from a graceful ballet of fists and flurries and into a pantomime of ridiculous aerial attacks. Surely there must have been better alternative stereotypes that could have been exploited? Perhaps a Frenchman with a Beret who strangles his opponents using a string of onions. T.Hawk sounds like a failed rapper. Someone shoot him and then piss on the corpse.
Pichu - Pokemon Gold/Silver
The design of the Pokemon has always been fairly inspired - their appearance reflecting their trademark fighting style and personality. Pichu may be cute and cuddly, but he is, for want of a better word, Fucking Useless. An electric pokemon that hurts itself when it uses electricity. Wonderful. His inclusion into the Pokemon franchise seemed a tacky way of exploiting the popularity of Pikachu, a move which inevitably failed when drowned in the mass of alternative new and exciting pokemon like Mudkipz. Pichu is also useless in Super Smash Bro's Melee where he is small and annoying and generally just fails at everything. A generic clone character with no apparent merits. Drop his pokeball off a cliff.
Crash Bandicoot - Crash Bandicoot
When Sony decided to create a mascot that could hope to compete with Mario they might have had the insight to design something that wasn’t a goofy rodent with spin attacks. The initial Crash platformers were enjoyable, but with the revolution of 3D gaming crash bandicoot became obsolete as he repeatedly failed to keep up with the trends. He remains an icon of what Middle Aged men believe the kids are "into" - a world of baggy jeans and sunglasses where people say "Yo!" a lot and breakdance at every possibility. Crash Team Racing features in my list of MOST PLAYED GAMES IN MY LIFE but Crash has now been discarded, lonely and pathetic, as a character stuck in a permanent Mid-Life crisis. Someone should make a Little Big Planet level where you can smash out Bandicoots goofy teeth with a mallet.
Toad - Super Mario
Spouting useless nonsense at me is not helpful, neither is panicking and running around and shitting on the floor. Whilst the Princess was being captured Toad was probably in the closet having a wank over pictures of Fungi in National Geographic. Given a place in Mario Kart (to increase the roster) Toad somehow managed to acquire the gift of speed - something he hardly deserves considering his pathetic nature. There is nothing Magical about this Mushroom. Slice him up!!
Tom Nook - Animal Crossing
This Racoon takes advantage of your good nature by demanding you pay a ridiculous amount of bells for your house - which he persists on upgrading regardless of whether you want it or not - making him the Animal Crossing equivalent of a Mafia Boss. Questioning his demands only leads to the inevitable revelation that you don’t have to pay him OR play the game, because it is in-fact fairly shallow and pointless. Nook works you to the bone without even offering so much as an employee discount. The miserable old bastard is going to get strangled with my fishing rope.
Florian Cravic - GTA4
Cravic remains one of the few characters in Grand Theft Auto 4 whose personality did not amuse or entertain. Emphasising his homosexual nature to the camp extremes became tedious very quickly - making him stand out amongst the alternative gangsters and ruffians who frequent the streets of liberty city. Cravic minces around spouting queer nonsense that is neither funny or clever, and then forces you to partake in missions which include a boat ride and a moped chase around Central park. I can see the humour behind it, but i'm hardly laughing out loud. Some people may find themselves endeared to Florian Cravic, but I hope he dies. Of Aids.
Martin Septim - Oblivion
This quiet-spoken simpleton spends all his time hiding in a castle or following you around the countryside at walking pace, while you risk your life (Virtual and social) defending him from bandits and the occasional wolf - making escort missions the most tedious in the entire game. His personality is bland and uninteresting, hardly helping towards empathy or creating an interesting storyline. I found myself not caring whether he lived or died, and the complete anti-climax of an ending was satisfying only as an understanding that I would never have to listen to his bleary voice ever again. I should have just left him to be analy penetrated by fire-demons.
OddJob - Goldeneye
Playing as OddJob was unofficially cheating. Picking him in multiplayer meant the sneaky bastard could crawl around below default aiming height and shoot people in the kneecaps. The "No-Oddjob" rule soon became universally applied, his height an unfair advantage that was mercilessly exploited by those without a soul, devoid of compassion. His inclusion was apparently malicious in that he does not actually ever feature in Goldeneye. The only credit we can give OddJob is that he was probably the final deciding factor in the creation of the dual analogue controller - as people were so fucking desperate to find a way of shooting this dick in the face. I'd like to see him crushed by elephants.
Any NPC that wont have sex with me - Fable 2
Being able to get married and start a family was of great interest to me in fable 2 - and I was fairly eager to experiment with the sex mechanics. That is to say, I wanted to stick my Vortex into her Hairy Axe Wound. But the sex in fable 2 is both unsatisfying and impossibly hard to instigate as a result of some stupid fault in the game design. Having seduced a potential partner and receiving the appropriate spoken acceptance, no amount of Thumbs Up gestures could complete the final step of moving from the street to the bedroom. I am reminded frequently of how realistically accurate this is, which makes it all the more frustrating in a world where communicating and being expressive are supposed to be shallow and simple. If I wanted to get rejected I could have done that in the REAL world. Fable 2 Wives would frequently leave me because they "Wanted Sex" but wouldn’t "Have Sex". As a result I never got to see any of my children grow up and I eventually lost interest in that entire section of the game. I'm not going to come up with interesting ways of killing every NPC so I recommend we just Nuke Albion and get it over with.
Mono - Shadow Of The Colossus
Mono is perhaps, the only character on this list who stays true to the intentions of the designer. Destroying the Colossi is a task mounted with guilt in the context of a silent dying princess. The unquestioning commitment to destroying the wonderfully crafted and completely innocent giants became harder and harder until my frustration became paramount and I continued only to find out how the adventure concludes. The choice of continuation is an interesting metatheatre on a players commitment to a computer game, reaching the games conclusion regardless of their personal incentives. Does this demonstrate that we are never truly going to be free in computer games? As a commentary on gaming psychology the game suggests that the only form of freedom is to stop playing, which creates such a marvellous tension as the player refuses to do so. Shadows Of The Colossus is my favourite game because it is so conscious of the emotional control it has over the player, and as a result my frustration with Mono is one of desperation rather than anger. She is included on this list as a form of contrast to her counterparts. She, unlike the others mentioned here, does not deserve to die. But her life does not warrant the destruction of the Colossus. This conflict is the beauty of the game.
That’s my list. I wrote it, the opinions expressed are my own. Thanks For Reading, have a great Christmas. Love Sweep
Some characters are designed to annoy and frustrate you, to invoke feelings of annoyance and anger. However some characters seem to do this by accident, and will consequently cause you to turn green and smash things in rage. Its Christmas Eve, and I have a blog to write. I'm feeling festive...
12 Video Game Characters That Do Not Deserve To Live
Tails - Sonic The Hedgehog
Tails is a complete dick. In the days of Sonic 2 he would amble along after you and mindlessly wander into enemies and spikes alike. This was itself, not such an issue. However upon jumping into the bonus mode to capture a chaos emerald, his minor delay would often cause him to smash into mines and loose you vital rings, meaning the level was failed. As the Sonic franchise "developed" Tails was progressed into a geeky sidekick with little purpose or consumer demand. There is an excessive amount of random extra characters in Sonic games which nobody seems to care about, and arguably their presence diluted the original Sonic character. For me, Tails was the beginning of the end. Someone needs to set Miles Prower on fire. Until he dies.
Sonny Resetti - Animal Crossing
As soon as I turned off the DS I knew I had fucked up. I knew I would have to sit through another fucking lecture from this stupid mole next time I turned on the console. If the game is clever enough to know when I haven’t saved, could it not just SAVE IT instead of wasting precious minutes making me talk to some pixelated dickhead who is probably trespassing on my land anyway. I don’t give a fuck about you Resetti, I'm filing a restraining order. Next time you pop up there’s going to be a fucking Bear Trap waiting for you.
T.Hawk - Super Street Fighter 2
Street Fighters are supposed to be mean and angry, they aren’t supposed to look like they just escaped from the YMCA. T.Hawk frustrates me not only because of his unfairly powerful grab attacks, but because his aesthetic turns street fighter from a graceful ballet of fists and flurries and into a pantomime of ridiculous aerial attacks. Surely there must have been better alternative stereotypes that could have been exploited? Perhaps a Frenchman with a Beret who strangles his opponents using a string of onions. T.Hawk sounds like a failed rapper. Someone shoot him and then piss on the corpse.
Pichu - Pokemon Gold/Silver
The design of the Pokemon has always been fairly inspired - their appearance reflecting their trademark fighting style and personality. Pichu may be cute and cuddly, but he is, for want of a better word, Fucking Useless. An electric pokemon that hurts itself when it uses electricity. Wonderful. His inclusion into the Pokemon franchise seemed a tacky way of exploiting the popularity of Pikachu, a move which inevitably failed when drowned in the mass of alternative new and exciting pokemon like Mudkipz. Pichu is also useless in Super Smash Bro's Melee where he is small and annoying and generally just fails at everything. A generic clone character with no apparent merits. Drop his pokeball off a cliff.
Crash Bandicoot - Crash Bandicoot
When Sony decided to create a mascot that could hope to compete with Mario they might have had the insight to design something that wasn’t a goofy rodent with spin attacks. The initial Crash platformers were enjoyable, but with the revolution of 3D gaming crash bandicoot became obsolete as he repeatedly failed to keep up with the trends. He remains an icon of what Middle Aged men believe the kids are "into" - a world of baggy jeans and sunglasses where people say "Yo!" a lot and breakdance at every possibility. Crash Team Racing features in my list of MOST PLAYED GAMES IN MY LIFE but Crash has now been discarded, lonely and pathetic, as a character stuck in a permanent Mid-Life crisis. Someone should make a Little Big Planet level where you can smash out Bandicoots goofy teeth with a mallet.
Toad - Super Mario
Spouting useless nonsense at me is not helpful, neither is panicking and running around and shitting on the floor. Whilst the Princess was being captured Toad was probably in the closet having a wank over pictures of Fungi in National Geographic. Given a place in Mario Kart (to increase the roster) Toad somehow managed to acquire the gift of speed - something he hardly deserves considering his pathetic nature. There is nothing Magical about this Mushroom. Slice him up!!
Tom Nook - Animal Crossing
This Racoon takes advantage of your good nature by demanding you pay a ridiculous amount of bells for your house - which he persists on upgrading regardless of whether you want it or not - making him the Animal Crossing equivalent of a Mafia Boss. Questioning his demands only leads to the inevitable revelation that you don’t have to pay him OR play the game, because it is in-fact fairly shallow and pointless. Nook works you to the bone without even offering so much as an employee discount. The miserable old bastard is going to get strangled with my fishing rope.
Florian Cravic - GTA4
Cravic remains one of the few characters in Grand Theft Auto 4 whose personality did not amuse or entertain. Emphasising his homosexual nature to the camp extremes became tedious very quickly - making him stand out amongst the alternative gangsters and ruffians who frequent the streets of liberty city. Cravic minces around spouting queer nonsense that is neither funny or clever, and then forces you to partake in missions which include a boat ride and a moped chase around Central park. I can see the humour behind it, but i'm hardly laughing out loud. Some people may find themselves endeared to Florian Cravic, but I hope he dies. Of Aids.
Martin Septim - Oblivion
This quiet-spoken simpleton spends all his time hiding in a castle or following you around the countryside at walking pace, while you risk your life (Virtual and social) defending him from bandits and the occasional wolf - making escort missions the most tedious in the entire game. His personality is bland and uninteresting, hardly helping towards empathy or creating an interesting storyline. I found myself not caring whether he lived or died, and the complete anti-climax of an ending was satisfying only as an understanding that I would never have to listen to his bleary voice ever again. I should have just left him to be analy penetrated by fire-demons.
OddJob - Goldeneye
Playing as OddJob was unofficially cheating. Picking him in multiplayer meant the sneaky bastard could crawl around below default aiming height and shoot people in the kneecaps. The "No-Oddjob" rule soon became universally applied, his height an unfair advantage that was mercilessly exploited by those without a soul, devoid of compassion. His inclusion was apparently malicious in that he does not actually ever feature in Goldeneye. The only credit we can give OddJob is that he was probably the final deciding factor in the creation of the dual analogue controller - as people were so fucking desperate to find a way of shooting this dick in the face. I'd like to see him crushed by elephants.
Any NPC that wont have sex with me - Fable 2
Being able to get married and start a family was of great interest to me in fable 2 - and I was fairly eager to experiment with the sex mechanics. That is to say, I wanted to stick my Vortex into her Hairy Axe Wound. But the sex in fable 2 is both unsatisfying and impossibly hard to instigate as a result of some stupid fault in the game design. Having seduced a potential partner and receiving the appropriate spoken acceptance, no amount of Thumbs Up gestures could complete the final step of moving from the street to the bedroom. I am reminded frequently of how realistically accurate this is, which makes it all the more frustrating in a world where communicating and being expressive are supposed to be shallow and simple. If I wanted to get rejected I could have done that in the REAL world. Fable 2 Wives would frequently leave me because they "Wanted Sex" but wouldn’t "Have Sex". As a result I never got to see any of my children grow up and I eventually lost interest in that entire section of the game. I'm not going to come up with interesting ways of killing every NPC so I recommend we just Nuke Albion and get it over with.
Mono - Shadow Of The Colossus
Mono is perhaps, the only character on this list who stays true to the intentions of the designer. Destroying the Colossi is a task mounted with guilt in the context of a silent dying princess. The unquestioning commitment to destroying the wonderfully crafted and completely innocent giants became harder and harder until my frustration became paramount and I continued only to find out how the adventure concludes. The choice of continuation is an interesting metatheatre on a players commitment to a computer game, reaching the games conclusion regardless of their personal incentives. Does this demonstrate that we are never truly going to be free in computer games? As a commentary on gaming psychology the game suggests that the only form of freedom is to stop playing, which creates such a marvellous tension as the player refuses to do so. Shadows Of The Colossus is my favourite game because it is so conscious of the emotional control it has over the player, and as a result my frustration with Mono is one of desperation rather than anger. She is included on this list as a form of contrast to her counterparts. She, unlike the others mentioned here, does not deserve to die. But her life does not warrant the destruction of the Colossus. This conflict is the beauty of the game.
That’s my list. I wrote it, the opinions expressed are my own. Thanks For Reading, have a great Christmas. Love Sweep
I like the non-obvious choices. I think most lists like this would have Tingle front and center... he needs some cement boots and a view of the bottom of Zora's River.
I would've also switched Tails with either Knuckles or Shadow, but Shadow is another obvious pick.
That Mr.Resetti thing made me die laughing.. maybe it's just because I'm so tired but hey it's a stupid mole who tells you off for turning off the game...
Great list, Sweep. I'm actually a fan of Tails, but I always found his mishaps in Sonic 2 to be hilarious. In fact, I could just spend hours watching him die as a result of the stupid AI misjudging jumps and whatnot. Gotta agree with you about the bonus stage thing, though - fucking annoying!
You seem to have missed out Ecco the only defender of the earth that lives in the sea that can't stay under the water for too long and is generally hated by all other sealife, including prehistoric sealife and the atlanteans AND aliens!
Yeah, I don't know about Tails. Or Knuckles, for that matter.
I think the Dreamcast crew did the legwork to put Sonic's legs in buckets of drying cement. Once Sega hit that point, they were bound determined to avoid any sense of faithfulness to the original games. I mean, Big the fucking Cat, man.
You trying to start some beef Sweep. Pichu is awesome. And forthe record, name one move that pichu has in gold/silver that he usues that hurts himself. Get your facts straight G.
I bet you are one of those evil Pokemon trainers who could never get their pichu into a pikachu because they lacked love!
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