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#1 Posted by Xygni (20 posts) -

In my years of playing various instruments, I have found that nearly all instruments have one thing in common: The power of de-pantsing women.

It's an incredible phenomenon that dates back all the way to that time Beethoven got laid by the Queen of England after performing Sonata for Piano Duet in D major. (I may or may not have made this up.)

In any case, this article, if you will, will document the de-pantsing power of various instruments. The scale will go from 1 to 10, 10 being an absolute guarantee of getting some, and 1 being a very small (but still very real) chance of de-pantsification. Each instrument will be given two scores, one for when the instrument is played solo, and one for when it is played in a band setting.

Through my own research of this phenomenon, I hope to help you all in your endless pursuit of "getting some." Let us begin with the obvious de-pantsifier:

THE ACOUSTIC GUITAR

Solo analysis -

The acoustic guitar is the instrument I have had the most experience with myself, and I have seen it's powers in copious amounts in various cases. When played solo, this is the closest guarantee to absolute de-pantsification. If you can sing well enough, it raises the chance of de-pantsing to almost dangerous levels of crazy, crazy sex. This instrument is not to be taken lightly, and should not be played without taking precautions. DO NOT play acoustic guitar in front of large groups of women. This HAS NOT been tested and will probably result in the crowd finding themselves attracted to inanimate objects or squirrels. However, when used with caution, the acoustic guitar is your best bet here.

Solo Score: 9

Band Analysis -

When playing an acoustic guitar in a full band, the potency of its effects decrease significantly due to the fact that the acoustic guitarist in a full band is often outshined by his electric counterpart and often branded by women in the crowd as "Probably gay" or "That Simon & Garfunkel guy." Let's face it. If you're in a rock band playing an acoustic guitar, no one can hear it anyway. However, your presence on the stage while holding an instrument in the correct fashion will still attract women, though my studies have shown the intelligence level of said women will be significantly less than that of the women attracted to a solo acoustic guitarist.

Full Band: 6


THE ELECTRIC GUITAR

Analysis -

The electric guitar has an exactly inverse effect of the acoustic guitar in that the scores for full band power and solo power are exactly flipped. This may be because women often find the electric guitar obtrusive when played solo. However, there is no denying the fact that every woman will want to love you longtime if you are the lead guitarist in a band. Again, proceed with caution when playing the electric guitar in a full band. An independent study has shown that playing lead guitar has an immediate (and often dangerous) bra-removal effect, followed after the show by uncontrollable levels of de-pantsification.

Solo score: 6
Full band score: 9


DRUMS

Solo analysis -

Just... Don't even bother. There's nothing attractive about a guy banging on the drums by himself. Do this, and it's likely the only banging you'll be doing. One variable that slightly increases the chance of de-pantsification is if the girl is into punk rock. Then, and only then should you play drums solo with about a 70 percent success rate.

Solo score: 2
But if she's into punk rock: 7

Band analysis -

The drummer keeps the beat, has high energy, and is usually pretty sociable. That is what comes to mind when a woman sees a drummer in a band, according to a study done at a college that really exists. While the drummer in a band is not often the first choice for a woman, he is not the last either. Drums have only mild de-pantsing powers, but they are amplified when in a band.

Full band score: 6


THE BASS GUITAR

Solo analysis -

The bass guitar is the ultimate backup instrument, and should only be played solo for the purpose of de-pantsification if you can really groove. I mean really groove. I'm talking Geddy Lee and Flea's horrible monster love child grooving. If levels of grooving that high can be achieved, the power of the bass guitar becomes much higher. If you're one of those bassists that just plays the same note through every song, there is no hope for you.

Solo score: 2
If you can groove: 7

Band analysis -

If you are the bassist in a band, let's face it, you have pretty much no talent and are just trying to get laid. Well you picked the wrong instrument, buddy. Bassists on stage have the least de-pantsification power of any band member, even if the1re's people on stage playing weird string instruments. You lose, and there's no way around it.

Full band score: 1


THE GRAND PIANO

Solo analysis -

Above all else, playing a grand piano shows sophistication. This not only means it has great de-pantsing powers, it also means the kind of women you have power over when playing grand piano are the kind you might actually want to have a conversation with. When ready for a serious relationship, the grand piano coupled with an acoustic guitar is the way to go.

Solo score: 8

Full band analysis -

There isn't much of a place in a rock band for a grand piano. However, studies show that when you do play with a rock band, the de-pantsifying powers are extremely similar to the results when played alone. You will attract women who may actually have brains. You can decide whether that sounds good or not.

Full band score: 7


THE KEYBOARD

Analysis -

When women think of a keyboardist, thoughts of a goggle-wearing, techno crazy nerd often come to mind. This is not a good starting point. There's nothing sexy or de-pantsing about keyboards.

Solo score: 1
Full band score: 1

THE HARMONICA

Analysis -

The harmonica puts out a message to women. That message is: "Look at me. Someone hurt me and I'm expressing my sadness by blowing into this metal thing." Many women will actually find the harmonica quite attractive. However, the de-pantsing powers of a harmonica decrease significantly when in a full band, because no one likes when the lead singer stops the whole song for a harmonica solo. (I'm looking at you, Steven Tyler!) Beware, though: Playing the harmonica solo may attract beatnick chicks or girls who are obsessed with Bob Dylan.

Solo score: 6
Full band score: 1

To end this article, I find it important to reveal to you, the reader, the coup de grace, the ace in the hole of de-panstifying instrument combos.

When playing solo, if you can sing, play acoustic guitar, and harmonica, there is absolutely no way the girl you're playing for will be able to keep her pants on. To increase success rates even further, write the song about her. If you can't write songs well, say you wrote it for her and then play a song you know she'll never hear again.

This concludes my 4 years study of the de-pantsing effects of instruments on women. I'd like to thank everyone at the university for their time and effort.

-Xygni

#2 Posted by BiggerBomb (6944 posts) -
#3 Posted by kmdrkul (3476 posts) -

Playing the trombone for your girl would likely get her pants off in a flash as well.

#4 Posted by BiggerBomb (6944 posts) -
kmdrkul said:
"Playing the trombone for your girl would likely get her pants off in a flash as well."

orly
#5 Posted by kmdrkul (3476 posts) -
BiggerBomb said:
"kmdrkul said:
"Playing the trombone for your girl would likely get her pants off in a flash as well."

orly"
ya rly
#6 Posted by BiggerBomb (6944 posts) -

I believe that the greatest instrument to impress a woman with, is voice. Unfortunately, I cannot sing for the life of me. I can, however, burp the ABC's. Score!

#7 Posted by snide (2413 posts) -

Favorite post of the week.

#8 Posted by Clean (2356 posts) -

I like the acoustic guitar with a little spice of Jack Johnson. That'll get you laid.

#9 Posted by erinfizz (1048 posts) -

Cute, and completely opposite of guys I usually like. (in general, bassists and drummers). The only musician dude I ever dated was a professional tuba player tho, so ymmv.

#10 Edited by Black_Rose (7785 posts) -

Dude, girls love it when i play the piano/keyboard >_>.

I would give the keyboard a full 10/10

#11 Edited by Xygni (20 posts) -
Black_Rose said:
"Dude, girls love it when i play the piano/keyboard >_>.

I would give the keyboard a full 10/10"

It definitely does not have more power than guitars.
#12 Posted by Gunner612 (4338 posts) -

I approve of this thread.

#13 Posted by TheJollyRajah (1576 posts) -

What about..... the trumpet??? Where does that fit?

#14 Posted by Solid_SnakeXx (1771 posts) -
snide said:
"Favorite post of the week."
Totallly.
I recently bought an acousti guitar and i m in the procces of learning, but i havent play in awhile, but after reading this post i m hurry up home and tryin out some notes :P

Thank you very much TC, you revived my love for  music
#15 Posted by adam_grif (1144 posts) -

It's not the best thread ever, and it certainly needs some work (especially when you're saying the same things over and over again... use some variation in the way you say it each time to keep it sounding fresh), but this thread has potential. Good work OP. [ + ]

#16 Posted by OmegaPirate (5523 posts) -

I can guarantee that the acoustic guitar has an INSTANT De-pantification effect - i can count at least 4 ladies in the past year that have been dancing to the song with no pants on due to the incredible powers of the acoustic guitar!!!!

#17 Posted by adam_grif (1144 posts) -
OmegaPirate said:
" ladies "
I don't believe you.
#18 Posted by KiddSushi (95 posts) -

Great post. You should add singing/vocals to the list as an instrument. Girls love a guy who can sing. Acoustic guitar combined with singing is a 10/10.

#19 Posted by HandsomeDead (11863 posts) -

Don't forget it all depends on what's being played with said instruments. I know a guy who plays nothing but bluesy twang-a-twang shit and the second he starts playing, people just switch off.

#20 Posted by Giantkitty (808 posts) -

What about the; triangle, kazoo, "one man band," air guitar, "Rock Star" guitar, xylophone, slide whistle?

#21 Posted by Bigbombomb (677 posts) -

How about the Theremin?

  
#22 Posted by English (158 posts) -
Xygni said:
"Black_Rose said:
"Dude, girls love it when i play the piano/keyboard >_>.

I would give the keyboard a full 10/10"

It definitely does not have more power than guitars."
Arguable where you play it. While pianists are likely not going to lug their 2 ton grand piano to a picnic spot, if the piano is strategically positioned close to your table in a restaurant, it can have overwhelming effects.
#23 Posted by BiggerBomb (6944 posts) -
English said:
"Xygni said:
"Black_Rose said:
"Dude, girls love it when i play the piano/keyboard >_>.

I would give the keyboard a full 10/10"

It definitely does not have more power than guitars."
Arguable where you play it. While pianists are likely not going to lug their 2 ton grand piano to a picnic spot, if the piano is strategically positioned close to your table in a restaurant, it can have overwhelming effects."

Nope, guitars > other instruments in terms of being an aphrodesiac. Except the voice, girls love a great voice.
#24 Posted by Endogene (4741 posts) -

Raise that score for the bass if the bass player is a lesbian. scary how obsessed girls can be obsessed when a female bass player does not use a pick to play.

#25 Posted by Xygni (20 posts) -
Bigbombomb said:
"How about the Theremin?
  
"
That, sir, is a dangerous de-pantser and you should be ashamed for even bringing it up!
#26 Posted by Foil1212 (444 posts) -

Woe is me.  I play the Bass and the Euphonium.  Euphonium probably brings me to -5 on the depantsification scale.

#27 Posted by Endogene (4741 posts) -
Foil1212 said:
"Woe is me.  I play the Bass and the Euphonium.  Euphonium probably brings me to -5 on the depantsification scale."
I had to pay google a visit to find out what a euphonium was, definitly minus 5 if not more

caption
#28 Posted by Xygni (20 posts) -
Endogene said:
"Foil1212 said:
"Woe is me.  I play the Bass and the Euphonium.  Euphonium probably brings me to -5 on the depantsification scale."
I had to pay google a visit to find out what a euphonium was, definitly minus 5 if not more

caption
"

Unless, of course you're pursuing one of those two chicks. :P
#29 Posted by Green_Incarnate (1788 posts) -
Bigbombomb said:
"How about the Theremin?
  
"
Sounds like two cats in heat.
#30 Edited by LtColJaxson (1137 posts) -

This is hilarious and true in most parts.

#31 Posted by Foil1212 (444 posts) -

The one on the far right an't bad.

#32 Posted by Verdugo (2001 posts) -

Playing a womans favorite song on your guitar...

THAT works everytime.

#33 Posted by Foil1212 (444 posts) -

I have a friend who plays tenor sax.  He's wondering what that would rate?

#34 Posted by BiggerBomb (6944 posts) -
Verdugo said:
"

Playing a womans favorite song on your guitar...

THAT works everytime.

"

No, writing a woman a song on your guitar. That's even better.
#35 Posted by SleepyDoughnut (1197 posts) -
#36 Posted by ArbitraryWater (11471 posts) -

I am ArbitraryWater and I approve his message. The obvious next course is a study about the effect of Midnight Brown music on Women.

#37 Posted by Destroyeron (352 posts) -

This entire page is awesomeness.

#38 Posted by Colonel_Cool (808 posts) -
Bigbombomb said:
"How about the Theremin?
  
"
Holy crap I masturbated to that video.
#39 Posted by Xygni (20 posts) -
LtColJaxson said:
"This is hilarious and true in most parts."

Why thank you!
#40 Posted by NintenDoorMan (5 posts) -

What about the sax, man?

#41 Posted by VilhelmNielsen (1734 posts) -

This is so awesome, that I, out of boredom, made this easy to use diagram, that you can use as a quick guide, when in the music store picking out your instrument.

Diagram
#42 Posted by Joker (675 posts) -

Girls love it when I play Wii Music for them.

#43 Posted by RetroIce4 (4392 posts) -

Xylophone bro! Depantsing level: OVER 9000!!!

#44 Posted by Arkthemaniac (6535 posts) -
NintenDoorMan said:
"What about the sax, man?"
Dude, the sax isn't even chartable, especially if you can play it while doing the do.
#45 Posted by whackmypinata (941 posts) -
VilhelmNielsen said:
"This is so awesome, that I, out of boredom, made this easy to use diagram, that you can use as a quick guide, when in the music store picking out your instrument.

Diagram
"
Nice graph, man.
#46 Posted by psychomode (784 posts) -

best thread ever

#47 Posted by Xygni (20 posts) -

That graph is amazing. :) If I ever publish this article by chance, may I have your permission to use that graph, oh great one?

#48 Posted by Dalai (6995 posts) -

Only one instrument guarantees the depantsing of women 100% of the time.

Spoons, not just for soup anymore.
#49 Posted by semicolon1twlev2 (894 posts) -

Hey, I helped you out with this.  Sort of.  But I discussed this with you a few days ago!

#50 Posted by Xygni (20 posts) -
dreDREb13 said:
"Hey, I helped you out with this.  Sort of.  But I discussed this with you a few days ago!"

lol sort of