The state of my life and why I've decided to end it.

I don't know what else I can say to add onto what people have already said. Don't commit suicide, get help. Watch a string of obnoxiously happy videos on Youtube, or Bob Ross.

Edit:

I don't know how relevant this is but I played it and it seems like it could possibly make you feel better.

Dude you only get one. No matter how shitty it is. There is no after life waiting only this life right now so just make the best of it.

@artemesia:

I've got my fingers crossed that this is just an elaborate ARG relating to The Phantom Pain.

Hang in there, duder.

How do you plan on doing it....?

hopefully you did go to bed and is all cosy and dreaming of nice things, and not gone through with what you were thinking of doing. i say go and see someone like a help place for people in your situation too get a better understanding off the person you are and how theses people deal with there lives, and the chance to meet new friends like minded as your self. then it might help with the assholes that you work with and your so called friends , because once you are happy with what you are you can just think to your self well fuck you this is who i am and if you don't like it then you can either deal with it or piss off . i can tell you that these people calling you a freak probable have done stuff that does deserves the tag line freak .

as to the girl that has been living and sponging off you. you have done a great thing here but it is time to tell her to find her own place unless she understands what you are going through and helps you through it some days, if not then let her go, you really dont need that kind off stress on top of every thing else.

i have depression and anxiety that steams from my paranoia/ mild schizophrenia and most days i think off turning the light out permanently but if it was not for my family and especiallymy sis who as been a rock for me the past 15 years. the thought off putting them through that pain always stops me going ahead with it . but it is getting harder too not do do it now a days, so i totally can see where you are coming from i like you hate myself and it takes all my will just to go out side most days. so i just say ok today is not going to be the that day i am going to take this day to see what i need to do ,you sound like a genuine good person witch sound like a good trait to have so maybe use that to help you , do some thing like charity work where people will appreciate who and what you do.

here's hoping you have read all these wounderfull comments and taken a step back. the world needs mor poeple like you not less

I want you to call local crisis line and talk to them.

Next, I want you to go to walk-in clinic or emergency room and tell them how you are feeling.

Life does not have to be this way for you, for anyone. Things can get better with help. I say this because I know. I was in a similar place in life a couple years ago. I have OCD, and Asperger's Syndrome, and Dysthymia as well. I thought nothing would ever improve. That there was no reason to continue my suffering. I was wrong.

Please consider that you may be wrong as well. Please.

I simply don't know what to put here. All these suggestions are very good ideas. Volunteer somewhere where your help is needed. But, I think this has already happened. I just don't know what else to think.

I'd like to think that many of us can get along in real life, if we knew each other. I wish I did know you so maybe I could provide some type of help. But, know that we all here at GB Community, hope that you haven't done this. The world is definitely worth living for, E3 and the like, as petty as those things may seem..

Don't do it.

1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE)

1-800-SUICIDA (Spanish)

I am in a very similar spot that you are, transgender an all (except my health does not really permit me to work). Life sucks for us, especially those who don't have the means to transition, but you can't let that get you down. You're in a much better spot than I am even.

go talk to one of the numbers that have been listed.

you can't kill yourself either because you are one of my favorite posters too :(

@artemesia:

Hi. I was referenced earlier by @yummylee as a therapist. I think he might have built me up a bit more then I deserve but I would like to try to help if I could. Suicide is a scary thing for me to think of personally because it is such a permanent thing. I can't fully understand how hard this transition must be for you and how sad you must feel but I can appreciate where you're coming from and can understand how hopeless you must feel. But these feelings and where you are currently is only temporary. I can understand that it can feel like this is just how things are going to be and nothing will get better but in your OP you mentioned that it had. You explained that at some point you were unable to let anyone know that you were transgender. Now you can. So before, when you couldn't approach this topic, I can only imagine that you felt even more hopeless then then you do right now. So there has been improvement even if it is hard to see.

I say this because I think where you are currently is temporary and you are attempting to solve that temporary problem with the most permanent of solutions. And I also believe that that solution is giving up and I think that you can be stronger then that. You've shown strength coming to terms with who you are. You've shown strength admitting that to others. I believe you can continue to grow strong and become a happier person through overcoming these current problems you face. If you need to speak with a therapist then I hope you do. I can understand that money is an issue. If you can, try to get medicaid as it can open up doors for medical, mental, and dental health services. Speak with your local DSHS to try to qualify. If not, look on google to see if you can find a clinic that can offer a sliding fee scale. I don't know where you live but I work at a clinic that does this and I think there are few others so it must be something other clinics do in other states.

I would also look to support forums that specifically help individuals who are transgender. Doing a quick google search I found this site. But I imagine you could find even more through google. This site may not be the best place to talk about such issues.

The other thing that I would do is try to contact or at least follow Carolyn Petit. She's an editor on gamespot who is transgender and likely has the thickest skin on the planet. She would be a great person to learn from and talk to about what you are going through.

I wish you the best of luck.

I've hit rock bottom a few times, and I promise it really does get better... You don't have to do it, please reconsider.

Duder. i have been there. don't do it. check this out before you do anything.

Also, in the words of Jeff Gerstmann,

You have plenty of time to be dead later, don't rush it.

God, I hope the fact that she hasn't posted lately isn't foretelling...

There are other options. There always are. Sometimes it takes talking to someone to see it. You can live the life you want, or close to it. Everyone can, potentially. Don't just give up. Life's unpredictable.

Someone message the mods about this thread. I sent a message to Sweep but he's the only one I know.

What would you have us say?

I'm going to be super bummed if this ended the way I think it ended despite all of the support from fellow forum-goers. Duder, if you're still there, don't do it.

At least draw their attention to this thread. Whether they decide to take action or not this is something they should know about.

Depression is the worst. But there are so many wonderful things out there that you haven't experienced yet. Don't give up. Own your mistakes, don't blame them on others. Make up for them. The easy way out is never the right way.

@artemesia: I sympathize with your situation, and I desire all for the best for you. Do what you feel it is the better option.

this is a hard thing to write a response to, but i think this one here is the closest thing i would write so im gonna quote it.

I am sure they already know about the thread. Notice all the deleted messages. They have been cleaning up asshole posts.

I'm sure they know.

I would assume (and this is a very uneducated assumption) that, due to the mention of not wanting to doing it whilst tired, she's not 100% sure of it.

but again this is just my assumption.

If only there were a way to find out who @artemesia is in real life, so we can call somebody...

@wrighteous86: since she is a premium member, I wouldn't be surprised if the staff were able to get that information.

They have been moderating this thread pretty heavily, so they are aware of it.

@wrighteous86: @animasta: you can try pm'ing the staff (preferably pm scoopz as he responds back the most)

I, like everyone else, really hope this isn't too late, but seriously duder, this isn't the way to go about this. I can relate to a lot of what you've posted, and I know it's tough to get through a day feeling like this, but you have to believe shit will get better.

Please, just respond if you're still out there, and remember that if nothing else, this community cares about you, and is here for you.

As I see there have been several posts in here about the mod team and the moderation of this thread, we are aware of the existence of this thread. This is a very delicate situation, but I'm largely keeping this open because I think despite a few posts that have not been helpful, the users here are being supportive of Artemesia. If this thread turns south I will not hesitate to lock it, but I doubt that will happen. I may be back soon with a message for Artemesia.

She's a premium member so the staff has her information. Is there any way they can use that to find out where she is and get her some help?

The question everybody has right now is "will she?".

There is always hope your life will get better.

I'm certainly not in a good spot, but with hard work and hope you can change things.

Please stay.

It's been over 7 hours since the post. If she did just went to bed, as we all hope, then she's probably getting up soon.

I'm getting anxious about this.

Hey like everyone else is saying don't do it because you have a future and you have to keep fighting on. Life sucks at times but its never forever and when you do find some friends worth a salt you will be all the better and stronger for it. The many people here who don't want you to do this is only a small part of the world who could have your back. You will find people in person who have the same feelings.

I can not stress anymore to just think this over and read everyone's comment here to realize if these people can care for you, there are people outside the internet who could be just as caring if not more so. You just have to first get professional help and talk this out with a professional. The giant bomb community is not going anywhere ether if you need any kind of support system right now at least. You will need one outside of the internet too but please just cool it on the end stuff until you have time to think about this and get help. Friends are always around the corner so just stay strong.

@mariachimacabre said:

I guess in theory it would be possible. I'm pretty sure nothing like this has happened before, and it would be up to the staff what they wanted to do if anything. I think I'll shoot them a PM about the situation, but even if they can do something, it could be some time from actually PMing them to someone being able to reach the OP.

I think it's worth a shot if it helps in any way. I'd just put the equivalent of an URGENT sticker on that PM. Whatever that may be.

I think twitter may work better/faster in this situation? Or e-mail.

Both mods and staff are aware of this thread.

Thanks for the update Sweep. I think that's all we can do for now.

Don't kill yourself. Just come to England and get the op on the NHS. Pleeeeease. Don't give up on education too: You seem intelligent, and even if you're not it doesn't matter as long as you work hard at it.

:(

Don't kill yourself. Tha ain't the answer in any situation

You sound like a great person, dont give up on life! The world needs people like you, and it will get better because of people like you! Even if it doesn't seem like it now. Please dont!

Things will always change. Don't end your life.

Another comment from random Internet person may ring hollow, but please don't do this.

And you say you didn't graduate high school? You articulate your thoughts better than most college graduates.

@fluxwavez said:

@ienkub said:

Please, @artemesia tell me you read those? Please? I know it's not my place to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, what I think is silly or not (and trust me, coming from someone who has contemplated this a few dozen times, it's not silly), or anything like that... but we're here for you and I hope you are reading this right now. I really, really hope so.

Please read this article and please don't kill yourself.

The Trevor Project is a nationwide organization that provide crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth. http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

"If you need support, please call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386 to speak with a trained volunteer counselor."

Think about anyone else in a similar situation to yours. Would you have them kill themselves? It doesn't sound like it, you seem like a sensitive and sympathetic person. I'm just asking you to turn that generosity of feeling towards yourself. You have a lot to offer, it'd be a shame to have one fewer good people in the world.