There is a large raccoon on my porch.

Evening, all.

There is a large raccoon on my porch. I don't have much experience guessing the weight of raccoons, but if I had to I'd say it's around sixteen pounds. This fellow is very much unafraid. I own two cats, which I cannot see at the moment. Until shown otherwise, I will assume he ate them--surely this is why he is so large. He was scratching at my door a few moments ago, no doubt trying to get a taste of my own precious flesh.

Now, I don't own a gun.

I played baseball as a child, but that majestic wooden stick vanished long ago.

I do, however, own a Benchmade 551S.

I also own a very thick Carhartt coat, nearly new. I do not own gloves of any kind.

Now, I could don my coat, take knife in hand, and do battle with this rabid beast. But I have an internal struggle.

I read "Rascal" as a child. Written by Sterling North, it is the true accounting of his childhood with his pet raccoon. If you have not read it, do so now.

http://www.amazon.com/Rascal-Sterling-North/

But I also listened to Escape as a child, including the episode entitled "Three Skeleton Key."

So, if you were in my position, what would you do?

(You can't say, "Call animal control." If you say that, you're no fun.)

Bend over and kiss your butt goodbye.

Or just wait until tomorrow to get professional assistance with your pest issue.

Whichever.

Stomp it.

Take a tip from Tested:

Put all your planning aside and just open the door. It will then run away. Problem solved.

I once had a large raccoon climb through my open living room window. I'm pretty sure all I did was get up, wave my arms at it and make some sort of hissing noises until it ran away. Just do that.

Get big, like really hulk yourself up as much as you can, and then just roll out there and scream at the motherfucker as loudly as possible. Stomping around and maybe banging noisy shit would probably help too. Though it's worth mentioning that I have no idea if raccoons are actually scared of noise or if doing this will just make him want to fight you. If you do go for the man-up fight-mode route, it's probably somewhat safer to get a hose and try to spray it away, on top of the screaming and the banging.

For a solution that doesn't risk contracting rabies, I hear they really can't stand the smell of moth balls. If you have some of those, try tossing them out and see if that makes it want to leave.

@dethfish: @mcghee:

He was in my garage this morning. I had a shovel in my hand and I was hissing like mad, and his concern was right around zero. I think he even rolled his eyes at those attempts.

That thing might actually be rabid then. Better be careful.

Or you could just . . .

@mcghee said:

Is it really exclusively characteristic that rabid racoons are unaffected by such things. Couldn't it be for any other reason. Either way, it's important to be careful around racoons as they are among the most popular animal to receive rabies infections. One thing I do know about rabies is that it is very treatable if you get medical attention immediately after a bite. If you wait too long, you've cut your chances in half after using the Milwaukee method and barring that you've got a very low chance of survival. But we've made remarkable progress, near 100% success, in treating rabies infections as soon as they potentially happen. Not bad for a disease with 90%+ death rate on record.

If you have any reason to believe it is infected, it is probably in your duty to take care of it for the sake of yourself and the neighborhood. If not, then just wait it out. Either way I wouldn't risk attacking it if you considered it.

Coons? When raccoons try to get on our back porch, mama just chase 'em off with a broom.

I've got a raccoon that's been visiting my house for the past month or so. He's pretty chill, he just sort of hangs out on my porch at night.

I would love to own a racoon as a pet

Raccoons will fuck you up. Those are some mean bastards. They are always fighting each other or chasing other animals into the trees at night. That Pocahontas movie lies to children.

Giant Glue trap !. Oh, hang on (thinks back to talk of voiding bowels on this weeks podcast). Slowly backs away...

run up to it and shout "UUUUWHOOOOOOOAAAA, MY HAUS"

I hear that raccoons get along well with Blue Jays. Maybe throw one over to your neighbours house and the raccoon will go there.

For as hilarious as you going mano-a-mano with that raccoon would be, I'd probably be better if you didn't get rabies in the process. Maybe get something with a bit more range, like a shovel or a longspear.

@arbitrarywater: I just got into Dark Souls. I've learned that one can defend with a shield while attacking if one uses a spear...

Ok.... grab your spear, use a garbage can or something as a shield and poke that raccoon until your stamina depletes. Then drop your shield, walk back until it replenishes and continue stabbing until it is dead. Alternatively, if you can get behind it, I hear that you can backstab for massive damage.

Master your Ki and unleash the fabled Kamehameha Wave upon it. The most powerful Martial Arts technique.

When I was briefly living in Kentucky, I had a whole bunch of raccoons (four or five) that would come around at night. I tried opening the door to scare one of them off one time and he just tried to walk right into the house between my legs. And no, he wasn't rabid. That group of raccoons just couldn't give two shits. One of them was albino, though, so I couldn't get too angry about it.

Toronto seems to have the worst Raccoon problem ever, it doesn't help that I live close to this weird protected marsh thing which is stuck right in the middle of an urban area. My garbage cans are molested every night, and I'm powerless to stop it. Fight the raccoon for the honor of my garbage cans.

I can't recall the context but I'm pretty sure Jeff once dealt with raccoons by throwing firecrackers at them. Seems legit.

Pics or it didn't happen.

Umm... touch its shoulder?

Bullshit

Pray to whatever god you answer to and prepare to die. You're fucked. Raccoon don't give a shit.

Get a cage trap and some cat food.

Get a raccoon costume and attempt to seduce it. When you're cuddling and it's vulnerable, take it out.

Call the fucking animal control.

I'm gonna be shouting this throughout the day now.

Put on some big-ass hobnail boots and go coon punting.

Bite it on the face to show it who's in control.

There are a few options that I've learned over the years of being a member here.

1. Touch the Racoons shoulder
2. Kill the houses, it's where they live
3. Fake your own death
4. Show it that you love playing The Sims by totally messing up and making a PlumbBob that has fallen over, for some reason.

Did it really eat your cats? Why aren't you devastated?

@zeforgotten: You forgot to pick up the purse, you are totally unprepared for a situation such as this duder.

@lego_my_eggo: Fuck! The racoon is gonna kill me

Become friends. Or more...

@zeforgotten: Also don't forget To Call Zobek

Feed him, train him and then use him to commit crimes

@banefirelord: But Zobek is useless! All the damn time!
Can't rely on him for anything

Punch it in your balls.

You should get bitten by a rabid cat raccoon and then not go to the hospital.

I bet it will be awesome.

edit: oh, and shove a toothpick in your ear. That should get rid of that wily raccoon.

"There's a raccoon on the front porch"

Tobias Funke: BULLSHIT

Best line in season 4 of Arrested Development. This thread made me think of that.

@spraynardtatum: @bisonhero:

Aww, he looks so cute! Go and cuddle with him. The biting is just him telling you he loves you!

I would probably do nothing, since it'll leave after a while I'm sure. It's also not common that raccoon's get into fights with domesticated animals, but it has happened, though rare. Honestly, while it's possible that the thing could somehow get into your house, it seems you're taking this too far, but I guess it's better to be safe than sorry (though that idiom doesn't exactly fit, though it could.)

But how'd I get in the boulder?