#101 Posted by Clonedzero (4200 posts) -

Sometimes when im alone, i walk around like a robot making beeping sounds. 100% true. Also i will fake kung-fu fight the air after watching action flicks, also only when im alone.

ya'll depressing.

#102 Edited by RonGalaxy (3170 posts) -

Like, seriously. I'm D.B. Cooper. I have the money to prove it. No one wants to ask me shit?

#103 Posted by fisk0 (4123 posts) -

@2headedninja: Yeah, that's the weirdest, I can also cry while watching a movie or something, so it's not like I'm devoid of emotions or anything, it's just that I can't seem to relate to other people, and even that kind of stuff that should be emotionally impactful just didn't seem to do anything.

#104 Posted by Levius (1140 posts) -

So I kinda constructed a false version of the life I lead at University to tell people back home, so I come across as more normal to them. Let's just say people think I am much more popular at University than I actually am. To be honest, in general, I think living my life with a false veneer of normality and being OK has just become a pretty unhealthy status quo for me.

#105 Posted by Brendan (7811 posts) -

I actually thought that HitmanAgent47 was kind of adorable. Even when he tried to be helpful and constructive he came off as so pompous and condescending, it was so endearing.

#106 Posted by handlas (2682 posts) -

Depressing thread indeed... probably cuz I can relate to some of the things here. So then...

Sometimes when I poop I like to put my finger up my butt and then smear it under my nose so I can enjoy the scent all day.

Ok, not really... I'm disgusting.

#107 Edited by Jeust (10654 posts) -

Sometimes when im alone, i walk around like a robot making beeping sounds. 100% true. Also i will fake kung-fu fight the air after watching action flicks, also only when im alone.

ya'll depressing.

I would like to see it. ahah

#108 Edited by Do_The_Manta_Ray (664 posts) -

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” Ofcourse I was gonna' pull this quote out of my ass.

My immediete reaction to this thread is a highly positive one. I think it's brave and original, and that giving people a chance to speak of their own issues here might empower them to do so in a more important setting. I've spent a lot of time around people who have been unstable or troubled. I worked as a sort of junior counsellor at an institution that specialized in treating teens who'd attempted to commit suicide. On top of that, I've inherited certain tendencies from my mother, and they're issues I struggle with just about every day. Oh, and I have an unhealthy attraction to beautiful, problematic women.

Honesty is paramount, facing yourself crucial (PERSONA!) So yeah, damn good effort with this thread would be my first reaction.

My second impression is a bit more cynical. I can't help but wonder how much of a competition people consider this. When it comes to something as hyperbolically important as ourselves, we like to think that we're at the tip of the iceberg. At what point does big secret become the biggest secret? Frankly, I don't trust this, masks and all. The internet simply isn't the place for opening up as it allows you to be, potentially, whomever you might wish. Depending on the site you frequent, you can be a young, handsome millionaire, a fairy-tale princess, an 18 year old lolita or a video game king. (Cough.) Being yourself is by far the hardest thing.

Now, I'm not saying that people aren't being genuine, for I think most are. I just don't believe there's any "objectivism" to how they approach this scenario. People are gonna' blow things over the top, maybe go through an evening of introspection, and then forget all about it. And that's what worries me.

While I'd usually say that folks are welcome to do as they wish, I think this band-aid approach is dangerous, as simply patching up what seem to be genuinely important issues with a half-measure, like being honest on a video-game website and then feeling content with their edited truths, is like covering a cracked wall with a fresh coat of paint. These aren't issues that should be forgotten and buried until they start to really hurt. It's the same thing as drowning your sorrows with drugs or "love".

Hopefully there'll be folks who genuinely use this thread as a platform to examine themselves and their own problems, but as for the majority, this camp-fire approach to spitting truths and spitting feathers is unfortunately pointless. By saying this, I don't mean to suggest that you folks who have something on your chests, shouldn't share. I'd strongly argue for the opposite, but please do so in a setting where it matters. It's supposed to be uncomfortable. It's supposed to be hard to admit to these things. If it isn't, you're missing the point.

I also don't want people to misconstrue this topic, looking at the plethora of folks pouring their hearts out, and assume that it's okay or normal to be genuinely troubled (I'm adressing folks with sincere issues here, everyone is troubled in minor ways that are important to them but that is a different matter), because hey, obviously other duders who play videogames seem to be alright. This is a truly shallow look into others lifes, and it is vital that people look at this and believe that it is okay for them to share, but not for them to suffer without doing anything about it.

Finally, let's not undervalue the courage it took for some people to face their own fears (PERSONA!), I wish 'em all the best.

To clarify, I'm only referring to folks with genuine issues that could be potentially harmful to them in a physical or psychological sense. As for all others, a lot of what I said doesn't apply, so go to town. (PERSONA!)

#109 Posted by CreepingDeath0 (176 posts) -

@fisk0 said:

@hatking said:

I was in middle of typing something pretty heartfelt here, but then got a sobering text from a friend. Man. Rum, huh?

Here's my deep secret: I've become terrified to actually be real with people. The idea of being honest or vulnerable, even with anonymous strangers, makes me uncomfortable. I don't like approaching people. I don't like telling my friends when I'm sad. I don't even like visiting my family because it reminds me of a lot of really unfortunate, honest shit. I have become so attached to humor as a defense mechanism that I don't really remember how to tell people what I'm honestly feeling without making some sardonic jest.

Pretty much this. I guess part of this is because I think I have empathy issues, when my grandfather died and I went to his funeral it just felt incredibly odd not really feeling anything at all about him, among all the crying people. I kept silent throughout the entire thing since I really couldn't figure out how I was supposed to or could behave. I'm kinda afraid that I won't really feel anything when my parents die either, and tend to keep away from other people because I really can't seem to relate to any of them on an emotional level.

That said, I don't really feel like I will outlive my parents either, not because I'm suicidal or anything, but because I generally feel like shit, and I'm strongly doubting my health will stay at a decent level for long, though I don't tend to say anything about it to anyone.

I lost two family members, my father died when I was 16 and one of my sisters died 2 years ago. For neither of them I really felt anything. With my father I was in shock for a day or so because what happend happend really sudden and I was younger, but when he died I was oddly emotionless about it. With my sister I just acknowleged the fact that she is dead. I got really good at faking emotions over the years just because I feel like that's what's expected from me. On the other hand I can cry like a little girl when I'm alone and watch a sad movie.

This is sort of similar to what I was going to say here, though with one slight difference.

So when one of my pets, or relatives, or friends etc. passes away (which has happened quite a few times now in my rather short life) I don't really feel anything about it. I don't get upset, or miss them, or anything like that. It's not that I don't care about those people or don't love them, I just dont get upset about them not being there any more. Now what makes this strange to me is that if one of my friends is confiding to me about their loss, about how much they are grieving about a loved one then that just tears me apart. Weird, huh?

Hurray for being broken, I guess!

#110 Posted by TruthTellah (9118 posts) -

@do_the_manta_ray: I was under the impression that the point wasn't to necessarily have a thread lead to some huge life change(though it could), but just as a small release of secrets in a semi-safe environment. I agree that it would be nice if revealing secrets here led to a larger reveal in someone's life, but I'd say that's expecting a bit too much out of a thread. I don't think many here are expecting or approaching it as something it isn't.

And as far as people "competing" with their secrets, well, maybe that could happen. But I haven't really seen that so far. Seems like pretty normal secrets, and they aren't getting progressively crazier or anything like that. For the moment, I think it's on a surprisingly decent track.

Do you want to share something?

#111 Edited by Do_The_Manta_Ray (664 posts) -

@truthtellah: I edited in two more paragraphs just as you were posting your reply which I believe clarifies my arguement some.

I completely agree with you as to what this thread ought to be. And while I wouldn't wholly agree that the confessions so far have been unbiashed, nothing of the like which I suggested has yet happened. And that's the point, I wanted to include a warning to balance things out, simply as a precautionary measure, to ensure that this thread won't derail into what I suggested it could become.

Like I said in the beginning of my last post, I think that the idea itself is terrific, as long as people don't make it into something which it isn't.

That said, personally, I think I'll remain a mystery. It suits me, and I dislike talking about myself.

#112 Posted by Evilsbane (4619 posts) -

Also I bought FEAR 3 at full launch price and finished it. Twice. And then on PC a third time, much later.

Your a goddamn monster.

#113 Posted by Lemonhead (62 posts) -

I like Backstreet Boys music

#114 Posted by Oscar__Explosion (2305 posts) -

I like Backstreet Boys music

'N Sync > Backstreet (you knew this was going to happen :P)

#115 Posted by wjb (1662 posts) -

I still fantasize when I'm alone with my thoughts.

Like, everyday.

Like, I live out at least two different imaginary lives in my head besides my actual one. And it's not like I'm lonely or socially awkward, either. I just can't help it.

Online
#116 Posted by TruthTellah (9118 posts) -

I'm scared of death and I find it hard to push myself to do anything in life. It's not so much the fact that I will be dead, but the act of dying itself. Whats the purpose of buying nice clothes and perfumes if I will end up decapitated in a car accident, or burned alive, or drowned to death.

And stuff like the korean ferry incident don't help. Those people had perfectly normal lives like all of us, and when they were caught in that ferry all our societal norms and protections didnt do shit for them and they suffered a horrible death (I know drowning itself is said not to be that bad, but the tens of minutes leading to that would have been horrible. The psychological terror they were going thru would be hard to imagine, not to mention how bad it feels not to be able to breathe. A few seconds of calm and bliss as they were dying doesnt make up for all the horror they have been thru).

Stuff like that aswell as any small accident makes it harder and harder for me to enjoy life and to give a shit about anything.

I guess I told a few people about this years ago, and they were telling me the usual stuff like "we should live because this is the only life we get blah-blah" but all I could think is "will they say the same thing as they are burning alive or bleeding to death?"

That's my secret.

I think that's an understandable fear, and you're not wrong. The life leading up to death can be terrible. What leads to your death can be very painful.

But, while you may feel it's a bit trite, those people are also not wrong. This is the life we have, and we have to make the best of what it is. Ultimately, the worst feeling in life is an accumulation of fear which robs us of the potential joy we can know. To me, that's far worse than any of the worst pains I've ever felt. I don't know if you read my comment earlier in the thread, but considering your comments about burning alive, bleeding to death, etc, I feel like I can actually speak to this to some extent.

In treating dying flesh on my skin, they had to burn some of it away. I traded the scent of death with a scent and feeling of being on fire. It was, as you can imagine, horribly unpleasant. And I had to be treated for anemia when I lost too much blood. I was bleeding for months, and no matter how much you understand why it is happening, it is no less disconcerting to sometimes look and see a floor of blood around you. These things are terrifying, and they shook me considerably.

Yet, I'm still here. I may have asked God to take my life, and at one point, I felt as though I had gotten my wish. But things improved. I did survive. And while it was the most painful time in my life, I do not regret surviving. I know that I survived to know more pain in the future. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still scared at times.

Still, I am glad to have the life that I have. Death eventually will take me, but while I still have time, I'm not going to waste it fearing the inevitable pain I will face. Even if we stumble through this life, we can find joy in what we do have. You know pain is real, and you will feel it. One day, you may even feel a great deal of pain. But no amount of pain can rob you of the joys of your life. Only fear of the pain can do that.

I can understand wondering about why we persist in the face of death, but in my opinion, it's worth it. You have to decide for yourself, but as someone who has been at death's door and felt my flesh rotting away, I can tell you that caring about this life is worthwhile. Keep things in perspective for sure, but never discount the value of these years you are given.

#117 Posted by Mcfart (1626 posts) -

I'm a pandabear.

#118 Edited by TruthTellah (9118 posts) -
@big_jon said:

Don't really have one aside from some medical side effects do to my Chron's disease which I don't get into with anyone because they're embarrassing and I think most people are not interested in knowing them.

As far as socially embarrassing things like being a huge nerd who plays tons of video games and takes online shooter's pretty serious, playing Warhammer 40k, and reading Halo books, I'm not too shy about that.

Hey, I actually know what you need. My disease years ago also affected by intestine, and yeah, a lot of the things surrounding that are hard to share with anyone. It's especially difficult for family and friends to understand all you're going through, because you're not exactly going to go into detail about all of the messiness that goes with it. Though, there are those of us who have had similar experiences who can relate. :)

@dimi3je said:

I have a sexual fetish I have not told anyone about. Nothing too extreme, but the fact has weirdly influenced all of my past relationships, and not in a good way.

Oh yeah? Same here! I think a lot of folks have fetishes they feel odd about. If you want to share it with a random person, let me know. I bet mine might be even weirder. (not that it's a contest) ha.

#119 Posted by Rebel_Scum (712 posts) -

@rebel_scum : Really I wouldnt lie about this stuff , I tend to be honest in my post even if my answers arent popuar :/ and yeah thats me on the avatar ... with shorter hair at least.

I always wondered if your avatar was you or pic of Ashton Kutcher.

#120 Posted by Aetheldod (3586 posts) -

@aetheldod said:

@rebel_scum : Really I wouldnt lie about this stuff , I tend to be honest in my post even if my answers arent popuar :/ and yeah thats me on the avatar ... with shorter hair at least.

I always wondered if your avatar was you or pic of Ashton Kutcher.

Ashton ...really? huh never thought about that

#121 Edited by Vuud (1997 posts) -

My name is Vuud and I buy season passes. I know they are a bad deal and most of the DLC is pointless but I still do it. I feel like I have to have all the DLC for a game I like.

Online
#122 Posted by Max_Cherry (1133 posts) -

I have a death wish for myself.

#123 Posted by Disaya (290 posts) -

I guess I'll jump in on this. I haven't met a new real friend in a long time (I'd say 5+ years), I know some work/school "friends" but I think you know what I mean. And a good chunk of the friends I have now will be moving to a new state within the year, in pursuit of a better life and goals. This makes me really sad and scared because when they leave I feel like I won't have anyone left and also that they are doing something with their lives and I'm not. I selfishly don't want them to leave and I don't know if I will make new friends. So yeah.

#124 Posted by Slag (4403 posts) -

Well I feel bad I lack the courage or desire to share any of mine

but man do I have new and deeper respect for a lot of you.

#125 Posted by OneManX (1693 posts) -

I'm afraid of failure.

It seems obvious, and not that big deal, but that fear has stopped me from trying a lot of times, instead of putting in extra effort, I just do the minimal, which doesnt work well if you want to advance in a professional or personal level. Alot of times, I spent kicking myself b/c I never even tried to tell a female how I feel about them, eventhough I KNOW that we were a great match, but hey dont try, dont get hurt, you can't fail?! And I get to sit back and watch them be happily ever after with some other douchebag.

Yeah.

#126 Posted by ArbitraryWater (11746 posts) -

Oh wow. I share a somewhat flippant answer and the rest of you are getting depressingly personal. Can I just make a suggestion? Some of you should seek actual psychological help. I know that I would be in a much worse place without it.

#127 Posted by Oscar__Explosion (2305 posts) -

@onemanx said:

I'm afraid of failure.

It seems obvious, and not that big deal, but that fear has stopped me from trying a lot of times, instead of putting in extra effort, I just do the minimal, which doesnt work well if you want to advance in a professional or personal level. Alot of times, I spent kicking myself b/c I never even tried to tell a female how I feel about them, eventhough I KNOW that we were a great match, but hey dont try, dont get hurt, you can't fail?! And I get to sit back and watch them be happily ever after with some other douchebag.

Yeah.

Dude I know exactly how you feel. Especially with the female bit. Sucks even more when I found out the girl felt the same way about me but tells me years later after we had both moved on. Gah.

#128 Posted by supamon (1333 posts) -

You guys are super brave for sharing. Kudos to all of you.

As for me I'm not really comfortable talking about myself so I won't say much except things haven't been working out for me lately and I probably have mild depression.

#129 Posted by Video_Game_King (36272 posts) -

Anyone else super tempted to do this with everything in the thread?

#130 Posted by audioBusting (1549 posts) -

Mad respect for those of you sharing very personal secrets.

I'm secretly maybe in danger of being deported from the country I'm currently living in, but I don't want anyone to help or worry or console me or anything, so I told almost no one how much this is actually stressing me out. I've been acting flippant about it in front of the people close to me, but it's been difficult for me to even go to sleep. I'm really afraid for my future right now, and only a couple of my close friends know that. It's a bit frustrating. I guess this is the equivalent of me whispering into a hole on a mountain.

Also, a less important but equally big secret is that I wipe standing up.

#131 Posted by alanm26v5 (449 posts) -

@video_game_king: These Conan sketches are all I could think of.

My secret is I start writing replies to many threads on this forum, especially the more serious ones like this, and then back out, close the tab, sometimes do a little walk around my room.

Some of these posts in here hit really close to home and you're all awesome for sharing.

#132 Posted by ch3burashka (5083 posts) -

I think you misunderstand the core concept of "secret".

#133 Posted by Lyisa (359 posts) -

When nobody is home I dance around the house instead of walk.

When I'm with other people I pretend I'm incapable of dancing at all.

I also get incredibly uncomfortable around drunk people, and generally feel unsafe.

#134 Posted by EdgeKasey (133 posts) -
#135 Edited by hinderk (685 posts) -

I will probably end up regretting sharing this but whatever. I'm a closeted trans person. I don't plan on coming out anytime soon because I'm afraid my family will think I'm a freak. Being trans has never made me consider suicide, but my family hating me probably would. I also don't think I could handle people staring at me for being trans. I would probably become a shut in or something. The good thing is the depression I experience from it doesn't seem as bad as other trans people. Not sure if it will ever get worse, but right now it is something I can deal with.

Since this is a video game website and all I'll also add that playing as a women in video games always seems to make me feel better for some reason. It is a little sad I guess, but whatever.

#136 Posted by EdgeKasey (133 posts) -

I lost two family members, my father died when I was 16 and one of my sisters died 2 years ago. For neither of them I really felt anything. With my father I was in shock for a day or so because what happend happend really sudden and I was younger, but when he died I was oddly emotionless about it. With my sister I just acknowleged the fact that she is dead. I got really good at faking emotions over the years just because I feel like that's what's expected from me. On the other hand I can cry like a little girl when I'm alone and watch a sad movie.

Hmm, I feel similar to you. I get told that I am cold alot, but I have a hard time trying to show emotions, as I am not good at faking it at all. I love movies a ton because I think they allow me to actually feel.

#138 Edited by RonGalaxy (3170 posts) -

I wrote a overlong, over serious post to actually contribute to the topic, but I decided it won't help me any, and it won't help you guys any. So instead here are some lighthearted secrets that might incite both rage and laughter from you.

From season 4 onward, Breaking Bad became really disappointing to me. I was especially disappointed with the finale. I will not be discussing this in further detail and will not argue about it.

I once masturbated 3 times in a row while watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I don't know why I did it, I think I just got bored because that movie is fucking awful. It was also before I had my own computer (didn't want to use the family computer to watch porn), so I used to watch movies/tv with hot girls in them to get off. I need some sort of visual stimulation, I can't just think of sexy things and become aroused. In the moment, Kate Capshaw was that stimulation. I think I did it so many times because I was angry at how awful the movie is compared to 1 and 3. I guess you could call this hategasming. In retrospect, I feel awful and disgusting about this (as I feel after every time I finish).

I want to become a famous musician/song writer completely by myself (without a production team, without a band, without a label, and without being attractive, which is a requirement in this day and age). I, probably, have the skill to create something halfway decent, but it's delusional of me to have so high of hopes. I even went to the lengths of buying some recording equipment (not anything crazy, I bought an maudio mtrack which is a little 2 channel usb audio interface that lets you record guitars and such, a small midi keyboard, and I'm about to buy a microphone. Already have a good telecaster that sounds great, an acoustic guitar, and I recently got a ukulele for my b-day). I have yet to make one song, but for some dumb reason I'm already in the process of making the album cover (mostly because I only have a 1 month trial for photoshop, and I figure making a cover will help influence the style of the album, making it more cohesive). I think that once I'm finished with this fool-hearty endeavor, I will put it up on reddit, youtube, whatever and become an overnight sensation, like Bon Iver, and all of my problems will be solved. This will not happen, and I will most likely die alone and a failure.

If I ever do become successful, I will invest a sizeable amount of money into Jeff Gerstmann and his stupid ass vision for video game coverage. I believe in that man and this website. I will also buy the IP for windjammers, and allow Dave Lang to get his grubby hands all over it. I'm actually not kidding about these things, if I ever came into money, those would be the things I do after I secure my families financial future. I don't really care about big houses and cars. I'm into making dreams come true, baby!

(well, I tried to make this not too long. oh well.)

#139 Posted by Legion_ (1284 posts) -

Am I a bad person for feeling good about starting this thread?

#140 Posted by Tomzombie (398 posts) -

i am a sadomasochist. theres one

#141 Posted by ExiledAstronaut (126 posts) -

Well i don't tell people much about me, which is something I'm changing. So I'm not sure if these count, the first two anyway. The third ones a shocker so stay tuned.

1. I'm on the fence about believing in god, i really want to have faith but i have doubts instead.

2. I have ridiculous self-esteem issues, causing me to dread sharing my opinion. Even playing my own music in front of someone is a daunting task for me.

3. The big one, it may even need some preamble. The people who share my interests are some of the nicest people in the world, they actually helped me raise my self esteem and made me feel like i actually belong in the world for once.

I have a death fetish. I didn't say necrophilia because i like the thought of myself dying, not killing. I do also like seeing female deaths, but no sex afterward.

And of course i have no interest for the real thing, most of the people in my community don't. It's all a fantasy. Some do like to look at actual pictures, the thought makes me a little uncomfortable but who am i to judge?

As for why i have it? I don't know. Why can't pigs actually fly for once?

Sorry if that was too much information y'all, i hope you guys don't think i'm a weirdo :/

I've been on this site for a very long time and always love to watch the squad play stupid ass games, so don't be too harsh on me.

Oh and for a more lighthearted one, i don't like the souls games :0 Sue me

P.S. Shoot me a PM if you wanna know more or... Actually share my interest (which i highly doubt.)

#142 Edited by ExiledAstronaut (126 posts) -

@legion_: This kinda stuff can be cathartic, it was for me anyway (not my last post, something else.)

Lies can be a shitty thing sometimes, and to free yourself of them can be great. But you made me confess my hate for dark souls so not cool man :(

But really, this is a pretty cool thread

P.S. Are double posts like this okay here?

#143 Edited by RonGalaxy (3170 posts) -

@exiledastronaut said:

@legion_: This kinda stuff can be cathartic, it was for me anyway (not my last post, something else.)

Lies can be a shitty thing sometimes, and to free yourself of them can be great. But you made me confess my hate for dark souls so not cool man :(

But really, this is a pretty cool thread

P.S. Are double posts like this okay here?

double posts are fine. Actually, they have a system in place where you are only allowed to post twice in a row. After that, the text box at the bottom of the page will disappear and in its place a dialogue that says "you posted too many times in a row". When someone else posts, this box will go away and you can post again. I wouldnt double post too much though. Actually, it's probably just better to edit your first post and add in your second comment there. That's probably the best thing to do, but the current system does allow for double posting.

#144 Posted by AlexanderSheen (5008 posts) -

@2headedninja said:

@fisk0 said:

@hatking said:

I was in middle of typing something pretty heartfelt here, but then got a sobering text from a friend. Man. Rum, huh?

Here's my deep secret: I've become terrified to actually be real with people. The idea of being honest or vulnerable, even with anonymous strangers, makes me uncomfortable. I don't like approaching people. I don't like telling my friends when I'm sad. I don't even like visiting my family because it reminds me of a lot of really unfortunate, honest shit. I have become so attached to humor as a defense mechanism that I don't really remember how to tell people what I'm honestly feeling without making some sardonic jest.

Pretty much this. I guess part of this is because I think I have empathy issues, when my grandfather died and I went to his funeral it just felt incredibly odd not really feeling anything at all about him, among all the crying people. I kept silent throughout the entire thing since I really couldn't figure out how I was supposed to or could behave. I'm kinda afraid that I won't really feel anything when my parents die either, and tend to keep away from other people because I really can't seem to relate to any of them on an emotional level.

That said, I don't really feel like I will outlive my parents either, not because I'm suicidal or anything, but because I generally feel like shit, and I'm strongly doubting my health will stay at a decent level for long, though I don't tend to say anything about it to anyone.

I lost two family members, my father died when I was 16 and one of my sisters died 2 years ago. For neither of them I really felt anything. With my father I was in shock for a day or so because what happend happend really sudden and I was younger, but when he died I was oddly emotionless about it. With my sister I just acknowleged the fact that she is dead. I got really good at faking emotions over the years just because I feel like that's what's expected from me. On the other hand I can cry like a little girl when I'm alone and watch a sad movie.

This is sort of similar to what I was going to say here, though with one slight difference.

So when one of my pets, or relatives, or friends etc. passes away (which has happened quite a few times now in my rather short life) I don't really feel anything about it. I don't get upset, or miss them, or anything like that. It's not that I don't care about those people or don't love them, I just dont get upset about them not being there any more. Now what makes this strange to me is that if one of my friends is confiding to me about their loss, about how much they are grieving about a loved one then that just tears me apart. Weird, huh?

Hurray for being broken, I guess!

I guess I'll join this pile too. A couple years ago, my grandpa was in a really bad shape and I was told by my aunt to take care of him. Considering I was the only one capable and willing to do so, I said yes, of course. At that point, he was already gave up on life. My aunt was living in a different city, so when she left it was only me and the old man. He didn't ask for much, even though I told him it was okay to do so. He told me to bring him food every second day, and that's it. I said to him that the 2 day interval was too much but he was adamant about it.

Months went by as I watched him slowly wither and one day he actually died. I've found him on the floor in his apartment. I was shocked and was freaked out a little bit. Oddly enough, I haven't felt any kind of sadness, though. I've called an ambulance and my parents and smoked a cigarette to help me calm down as I waited for them. When the ambulance arrived I was better and I had to get my shit together anyway. In the coming days people told me it will hit me eventually, but it never did. So I faked some amount of sadness because I thought people will think of me as a cold or heartless person.

The weird thing is, whenever I watch a fuckin' anime show or experience a fictional story, that actually moves me, way more so than real life events that happened to me. The fuck is up with that?

#145 Posted by RonGalaxy (3170 posts) -

@creepingdeath0 said:

@2headedninja said:

@fisk0 said:

@hatking said:

I was in middle of typing something pretty heartfelt here, but then got a sobering text from a friend. Man. Rum, huh?

Here's my deep secret: I've become terrified to actually be real with people. The idea of being honest or vulnerable, even with anonymous strangers, makes me uncomfortable. I don't like approaching people. I don't like telling my friends when I'm sad. I don't even like visiting my family because it reminds me of a lot of really unfortunate, honest shit. I have become so attached to humor as a defense mechanism that I don't really remember how to tell people what I'm honestly feeling without making some sardonic jest.

Pretty much this. I guess part of this is because I think I have empathy issues, when my grandfather died and I went to his funeral it just felt incredibly odd not really feeling anything at all about him, among all the crying people. I kept silent throughout the entire thing since I really couldn't figure out how I was supposed to or could behave. I'm kinda afraid that I won't really feel anything when my parents die either, and tend to keep away from other people because I really can't seem to relate to any of them on an emotional level.

That said, I don't really feel like I will outlive my parents either, not because I'm suicidal or anything, but because I generally feel like shit, and I'm strongly doubting my health will stay at a decent level for long, though I don't tend to say anything about it to anyone.

I lost two family members, my father died when I was 16 and one of my sisters died 2 years ago. For neither of them I really felt anything. With my father I was in shock for a day or so because what happend happend really sudden and I was younger, but when he died I was oddly emotionless about it. With my sister I just acknowleged the fact that she is dead. I got really good at faking emotions over the years just because I feel like that's what's expected from me. On the other hand I can cry like a little girl when I'm alone and watch a sad movie.

This is sort of similar to what I was going to say here, though with one slight difference.

So when one of my pets, or relatives, or friends etc. passes away (which has happened quite a few times now in my rather short life) I don't really feel anything about it. I don't get upset, or miss them, or anything like that. It's not that I don't care about those people or don't love them, I just dont get upset about them not being there any more. Now what makes this strange to me is that if one of my friends is confiding to me about their loss, about how much they are grieving about a loved one then that just tears me apart. Weird, huh?

Hurray for being broken, I guess!

I guess I'll join this pile too. A couple years ago, my grandpa was in a really bad shape and I was told by my aunt to take care of him. Considering I was the only one capable and willing to do so, I said yes, of course. At that point, he was already gave up on life. My aunt was living in a different city, so when she left it was only me and the old man. He didn't ask for much, even though I told him it was okay to do so. He told me to bring him food every second day, and that's it. I said to him that the 2 day interval was too much but he was adamant about it.

Months went by as I watched him slowly wither and one day he actually died. I've found him on the floor in his apartment. I was shocked and was freaked out a little bit. Oddly enough, I haven't felt any kind of sadness, though. I've called an ambulance and my parents and smoked a cigarette to help me calm down as I waited for them. When the ambulance arrived I was better and I had to get my shit together anyway. In the coming days people told me it will hit me eventually, but it never did. So I faked some amount of sadness because I thought people will think of me as a cold or heartless person.

The weird thing is, whenever I watch a fuckin' anime show or experience a fictional story, that actually moves me, way more so than real life events that happened to me. The fuck is up with that?

To give some of my own personal perspective on "not reacting emotionally to things I should be". In my case, I sometimes dont react emotionally because I'm constantly thinking something bad is going to happen. This, in turn, makes it so when something really does happen I'm kind of ready for it on an emotional level because I already spent my energy worrying/preparing for the worst. Not sure if that has anything to do with all of you duders issues, but that's the reason why it happens to me.

#146 Edited by TruthTellah (9118 posts) -
@ch3burashka said:

I think you misunderstand the core concept of "secret".

Something being a secret doesn't mean it will always be kept a complete secret from everybody. Sometimes it feels alright to share a secret in a seemingly safe place with friends or strangers.

@legion_ said:

Am I a bad person for feeling good about starting this thread?

I think it has been good. You should be happy how positively it has turned out so far.

#147 Edited by TruthTellah (9118 posts) -
@hinderk said:

I will probably end up regretting sharing this but whatever. I'm a closeted trans person. I don't plan on coming out anytime soon because I'm afraid my family will think I'm a freak. Being trans has never made me consider suicide, but my family hating me probably would. I also don't think handle people staring at me for being trans. I would probably become a shut in or something. The good thing is the depression I experience from it doesn't seem as bad as other trans people. Not sure if it will ever get worse, but right now it is something I can deal with.

Since this is a video game website and all I'll also add that playing as a women in video games always seems to make me feel better for some reason. It is a little sad I guess, but whatever.

That's awesome! I mean, not that you're closeted, but that you'd share that you are trans. I can really respect that, because, as you said, it can be tough for many people to understand or accept.

There are some other openly trans members on Giant Bomb who are really cool, and I'd recommend getting to know them if you haven't already. They're better equipped than I am to discuss where you're at. I have been so encouraged by @artelinarose in particular; her strength and confidence is a real inspiration. :)

#148 Posted by ArtelinaRose (1854 posts) -

@hinderk said:

I will probably end up regretting sharing this but whatever. I'm a closeted trans person. I don't plan on coming out anytime soon because I'm afraid my family will think I'm a freak. Being trans has never made me consider suicide, but my family hating me probably would. I also don't think handle people staring at me for being trans. I would probably become a shut in or something. The good thing is the depression I experience from it doesn't seem as bad as other trans people. Not sure if it will ever get worse, but right now it is something I can deal with.

Since this is a video game website and all I'll also add that playing as a women in video games always seems to make me feel better for some reason. It is a little sad I guess, but whatever.

That's awesome! I mean, not that you're closeted, but that you'd share that you are trans. I can really respect that, because, as you said, it can be tough for many people to understand or accept.

There are some other trans members on Giant Bomb who are really cool, and I'd recommend getting to know them if you haven't already. They're better equipped than I am to discuss where you're at. I have been so encouraged by @artelinarose in particular; her strength and confidence is a real inspiration. :)

That is very kind of you to say u//////u I often worry I am just coming across as a jerk.

Wait, encouraged how?

#149 Posted by 2HeadedNinja (1618 posts) -

@2headedninja said:

I lost two family members, my father died when I was 16 and one of my sisters died 2 years ago. For neither of them I really felt anything. With my father I was in shock for a day or so because what happend happend really sudden and I was younger, but when he died I was oddly emotionless about it. With my sister I just acknowleged the fact that she is dead. I got really good at faking emotions over the years just because I feel like that's what's expected from me. On the other hand I can cry like a little girl when I'm alone and watch a sad movie.

Hmm, I feel similar to you. I get told that I am cold alot, but I have a hard time trying to show emotions, as I am not good at faking it at all. I love movies a ton because I think they allow me to actually feel.

Maybe the faking is an age thing. As I wrote in my original post I'm 36 ... so I have a lot of experience in acting how people expect me to. Mostly it's "being the funny guy", but on occasion it's faking empathy/emotions.

#150 Edited by TruthTellah (9118 posts) -

@truthtellah said:
@hinderk said:

I will probably end up regretting sharing this but whatever. I'm a closeted trans person. I don't plan on coming out anytime soon because I'm afraid my family will think I'm a freak. Being trans has never made me consider suicide, but my family hating me probably would. I also don't think handle people staring at me for being trans. I would probably become a shut in or something. The good thing is the depression I experience from it doesn't seem as bad as other trans people. Not sure if it will ever get worse, but right now it is something I can deal with.

Since this is a video game website and all I'll also add that playing as a women in video games always seems to make me feel better for some reason. It is a little sad I guess, but whatever.

That's awesome! I mean, not that you're closeted, but that you'd share that you are trans. I can really respect that, because, as you said, it can be tough for many people to understand or accept.

There are some other trans members on Giant Bomb who are really cool, and I'd recommend getting to know them if you haven't already. They're better equipped than I am to discuss where you're at. I have been so encouraged by @artelinarose in particular; her strength and confidence is a real inspiration. :)

That is very kind of you to say u//////u I often worry I am just coming across as a jerk.

Wait, encouraged how?

You can be snippy sometimes, but for the most part, you're awesome. heh. And you're always great when giving updates on your progress and sharing a perspective many people don't get to see.

And encouraged because... being happy and open about yourself can be tough. I know you've expressed how difficult it has been, but you continue to push through and forge a better way forward for yourself. That's encouraging in many ways.