#1 Edited by Colourful_Hippie (4368 posts) -

So a bunch of stupid people kinda farted out a movie plot (if you can call it that) that would involve the talents of Billy Zane, John-Rhys Davis, Denise Richards, and greatest living actor, Nic Cage.

Photoshop credit goes to N7

Cage plays the seemingly innocent philanthropist who stumbled upon a group of artic monkeys (not the band) that have slowly been on the road to extinction (yes I know these mammals don't fucking belong there in the first place). Nic Cage then proceeds to hire a group of experts (which are the rest of the cast) to help him plan out a strategy to save these monkeys. Little do they know that Nic's true intentions (which are slowly discovered by the experts bit by bit) involves using a device to freeze the world over in an extreme attempt to bring these mammals back from the brink of extinction.

Oh and then the final act involves Cage undergoing surgery to become "closer" to his admired species and the rest of the science team are trapped in his ice base/lab and have to find a way to escape. Denise is probably the first to die.

So yeah, would you watch this movie?

Oh and before I forget, some chucklefuck thought it would be smart to allow others to compile plot ideas into a google doc. You can thank this guy if there's any sexual connotations found in that document.

#2 Posted by rentfn (1280 posts) -

I'll watch most things with Cage. Ever since his Con-Air, Face-Off and The Rock run, I'll so see anything with him...at least rent it. I thought Tupac was a decent actor too. Really liked Gridlocked and Above the Rim.

#3 Posted by DarthOrange (3864 posts) -

I would totally go watch it!

#4 Posted by mtosh (118 posts) -

You had me at "Cage"

#5 Posted by Lord_Xp (602 posts) -

@Colourful_Hippie: Definitely not. It sounds way to cheesy, which I'm sure was the goal anyways. He should be a convict who happens to be on an airplane when it gets taken over by the rest of the convicts. That would be a great movie.

#6 Posted by BigBoss1911 (2478 posts) -
#7 Posted by JasonR86 (9714 posts) -

I can't help but bring the sexy everywhere I go.

#8 Posted by Vonocourt (2133 posts) -

God damn, yes.

#9 Posted by jking47 (1214 posts) -

Yeah, I probably would. How could I miss the chance to see Cage after monkey surgery?

#10 Posted by ssj4raditz (1125 posts) -

That sounds glorious.

#11 Posted by Enigma777 (6074 posts) -

What is this an why am I linked to it?

#12 Posted by Colourful_Hippie (4368 posts) -

@Lord_Xp said:

@Colourful_Hippie: Definitely not. It sounds way to cheesy, which I'm sure was the goal anyways. He should be a convict who happens to be on an airplane when it gets taken over by the rest of the convicts. That would be a great movie.

No monkeys, no sale.

@Enigma777 said:

What is this an why am I linked to it?

I'm still giving the cops your address when they come for me.

#13 Posted by MikeGosot (3227 posts) -

No, because of the final act stuff, and because Cage is already mad when they come. I would see the movie if it goes something like that:

First 30 minutes - Cage finds the monkeys and get the crew(Which consists of more than the three guys), they study the monkeys and some of them disagree on what they should do with the monkeys(What would be the focus of the research, for example). Meanwhile, we get to see Nicolas Cage and his relationship with the monkeys.

Next 30 minutes - Cage's relationship with the monkeys start to get creepier, as he convinces the crew to do what he wants under the proposition of saving the monkeys. He talks about an abandoned project of a device that can greatly diminush the temperature of an area, to the point where they can recover the lost habitat of the monkeys. He also talks about a failed medicine project that tries to heal genetic diseases through radiation(Altering the DNA enough to the point where it becomes normal again.).

After the first hour - The projects are being realized, and Cage starts admiring the creatures to an insane point, where he actually tries to kill a scientist because one radiation experiment had gone wrong. Some of the crew start to leave, they start questioning the mission, and if they should trust Cage after all, when a scientist tries to approach him and question the decision he's been making, it's Cage Rage time.

One hour and twenty-five minutes - Cage kills the man, locks the scientists in his lab, and tries to use the freezing device while hunting his crew. He also frees the monkeys in the lab to make things more interesting. When he notices he is going to die because of the temperature, he tries to enter the radiation machine...

One hour and forty-five minutes - Mutant Cage hunts the rest of the scientists when they are trying to escape, some of them die because of the temperature. Cage hunts and kills every single scientist, but he notices he can't escape the lab and save the monkeys. The monkeys get pissed and kill him while the temperature is still getting lower and lower...

Two hours and five minutes - Cut to military crew trying to find any survivors. They find the lab and eventually enter it, to find out that every monkey froze. Zoom to a monkey. He moves his finger.

ENDINGS CREDITS WITH VANILLA ICE.

There you go. Fuck the typos, it's 1 AM in here and i'm tired.

#14 Posted by Atlas (2449 posts) -

You people are weird.

I know Nicolas Cage fandom is based in irony, but seriously, why does this dumb joke still exist?

#15 Posted by mordukai (7153 posts) -

OMG someone show this to

#16 Posted by HaltIamReptar (2029 posts) -

@Atlas said:

You people are weird.

I know Nicolas Cage fandom is based in irony, but seriously, why does this dumb joke still exist?

You really think Nic Cage is clueless as to why people love him?

#17 Posted by TheHT (11376 posts) -

as long as each monkey is played by Andy Serkis.

#18 Posted by Milkman (16846 posts) -

@Atlas said:

You people are weird.

I know Nicolas Cage fandom is based in irony, but seriously, why does this dumb joke still exist?

#19 Posted by awesomeusername (4193 posts) -

I was disappointed to see this was actually not a real movie. Assholes.

#20 Posted by N7 (3590 posts) -

The important question is: Who composes the soundtrack?I was thinking maybe take it a little further back with some Ennio Morricone. I feel like his compositions can bring out the best in this political horror/love story.

#21 Posted by TyCobb (1972 posts) -

Dammit! Why was this thread not tagged with a spoiler warning!?

#22 Posted by TheCreamFilling (1225 posts) -

Billy Zane, wow, is he even still alive?

#23 Posted by teh_destroyer (3567 posts) -

I just bought tickets for me and my friends to watch this opening at midnight!

#24 Posted by McGhee (6094 posts) -

And thus it begins. God help us for what we have done.

#25 Posted by Claude (16254 posts) -

Straight to video it was dead last week.

#26 Posted by McGhee (6094 posts) -

@Claude said:

Straight to video it was dead last week.

It lives on in our hearts. Our hearts.

#27 Posted by Doctorchimp (4076 posts) -

On top of everything else...this is a cool runnings sequel right?

#28 Posted by probablytuna (3684 posts) -

Hmmm I've seen this image before in another thread sans text......

#29 Posted by ImmortalSaiyan (4683 posts) -

Absolutely not.

#30 Posted by teh_destroyer (3567 posts) -

I think we should just leave the music to Hans Zimmer.

#31 Posted by StarvingGamer (8284 posts) -

Does Denise Richards have sex right before she dies? I need to know what kind of move this is.

#32 Posted by SmilingPig (1339 posts) -

Probably.

#33 Posted by McGhee (6094 posts) -

@StarvingGamer said:

Does Denise Richards have sex right before she dies? I need to know what kind of move this is.

Sounds like a distinct possibility. That's what we put the google doc there for. If you want, go and write the scene.

#34 Edited by Colourful_Hippie (4368 posts) -

@MikeGosot said:

No, because of the final act stuff, and because Cage is already mad when they come. I would see the movie if it goes something like that:

First 30 minutes - Cage finds the monkeys and get the crew(Which consists of more than the three guys), they study the monkeys and some of them disagree on what they should do with the monkeys(What would be the focus of the research, for example). Meanwhile, we get to see Nicolas Cage and his relationship with the monkeys.

Next 30 minutes - Cage's relationship with the monkeys start to get creepier, as he convinces the crew to do what he wants under the proposition of saving the monkeys. He talks about an abandoned project of a device that can greatly diminush the temperature of an area, to the point where they can recover the lost habitat of the monkeys. He also talks about a failed medicine project that tries to heal genetic diseases through radiation(Altering the DNA enough to the point where it becomes normal again.).

After the first hour - The projects are being realized, and Cage starts admiring the creatures to an insane point, where he actually tries to kill a scientist because one radiation experiment had gone wrong. Some of the crew start to leave, they start questioning the mission, and if they should trust Cage after all, when a scientist tries to approach him and question the decision he's been making, it's Cage Rage time.

One hour and twenty-five minutes - Cage kills the man, locks the scientists in his lab, and tries to use the freezing device while hunting his crew. He also frees the monkeys in the lab to make things more interesting. When he notices he is going to die because of the temperature, he tries to enter the radiation machine...

One hour and forty-five minutes - Mutant Cage hunts the rest of the scientists when they are trying to escape, some of them die because of the temperature. Cage hunts and kills every single scientist, but he notices he can't escape the lab and save the monkeys. The monkeys get pissed and kill him while the temperature is still getting lower and lower...

Two hours and five minutes - Cut to military crew trying to find any survivors. They find the lab and eventually enter it, to find out that every monkey froze. Zoom to a monkey. He moves his finger.

ENDINGS CREDITS WITH VANILLA ICE.

There you go. Fuck the typos, it's 1 AM in here and i'm tired.

Fuck, I clearly done goofed for not hiring you on as an extra writer.

@Atlas said:

You people are weird.

I know Nicolas Cage fandom is based in irony, but seriously, why does this dumb joke still exist?

Why do you still exist?

@TheHT said:

as long as each monkey is played by Andy Serkis.

Perfect

@N7 said:

The important question is: Who composes the soundtrack?I was thinking maybe take it a little further back with some Ennio Morricone. I feel like his compositions can bring out the best in this political horror/love story.

I'm tied between him and Hans.

@StarvingGamer said:

Does Denise Richards have sex right before she dies? I need to know what kind of move this is.

Yes, but there's a debate on whether her death should be during or right after.

@Claude said:

Straight to video it was dead last week.

Nic Cage just doesn't bring the crowds like he used to.

@Doctorchimp said:

On top of everything else...this is a cool runnings sequel right?

John Candy plays the clueless security guard.

#35 Posted by Veektarius (4869 posts) -

Nicolas cage as misguided psychopath is a thing of the past, I believe. The farthest off the deep end he's gone lately was Bad Lieutenant, that I can recall. @MikeGosot: seems to have a better idea, but I'd probably kill Cage in the radiation c hamber and end the movie there.

#36 Posted by TooWalrus (13218 posts) -

I guess I'll be the guy to say it.

This is stupid.

#37 Posted by Little_Socrates (5677 posts) -

I mean, I guess I would out of absurdity's sake if it weren't widely regarded as totally boring, but this is not a funny Nic Cage joke.

#38 Edited by Colourful_Hippie (4368 posts) -

@McGhee said:

@StarvingGamer said:

Does Denise Richards have sex right before she dies? I need to know what kind of move this is.

Sounds like a distinct possibility. That's what we put the google doc there for. If you want, go and write the scene.

The google doc is closed up just in case you know, someone highlights all then presses delete.

...maybe I should unlock it then.

@TooWalrus said:

I guess I'll be the guy to say it.

This is stupid.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

#39 Posted by JasonR86 (9714 posts) -

@McGhee said:

@StarvingGamer said:

Does Denise Richards have sex right before she dies? I need to know what kind of move this is.

Sounds like a distinct possibility. That's what we put the google doc there for. If you want, go and write the scene.

I could write a hell of a sex leading to death scene if you guys really want it.

#40 Posted by DeF (4903 posts) -

Now they're droppin' and yellin' it's a tad bit late...

#41 Posted by GunslingerPanda (4793 posts) -

I guess GB is now fanfiction.net?

#42 Posted by McGhee (6094 posts) -

@Colourful_Hippie said:

@McGhee said:

@StarvingGamer said:

Does Denise Richards have sex right before she dies? I need to know what kind of move this is.

Sounds like a distinct possibility. That's what we put the google doc there for. If you want, go and write the scene.

The google doc is closed up just in case you know, someone highlights all then presses delete.

...maybe I should unlock it then.

Oh, I thought you'd left it open for other people to edit, but there is no way for you to save its current state or something?

#43 Posted by ZeForgotten (10397 posts) -

I will happily make it the first movie I have torrented in almost 6 years, that's for sure

#44 Posted by MikeGosot (3227 posts) -

@Veektarius said:

Nicolas cage as misguided psychopath is a thing of the past, I believe. The farthest off the deep end he's gone lately was Bad Lieutenant, that I can recall. @MikeGosot: seems to have a better idea, but I'd probably kill Cage in the radiation c hamber and end the movie there.

Yeah it makes more sense, but you still need to show what happens to the monkeys and the people. If that happens to Cage, i would make the monkeys kill most of the crew except the one that leads them to the exit of the lab.

@Colourful_Hippie: I don't blame you, just call me for the next project.

#45 Posted by Coombs (3449 posts) -
#47 Posted by Colourful_Hippie (4368 posts) -

@McGhee said:

@Colourful_Hippie said:

@McGhee said:

@StarvingGamer said:

Does Denise Richards have sex right before she dies? I need to know what kind of move this is.

Sounds like a distinct possibility. That's what we put the google doc there for. If you want, go and write the scene.

The google doc is closed up just in case you know, someone highlights all then presses delete.

...maybe I should unlock it then.

Oh, I thought you'd left it open for other people to edit, but there is no way for you to save its current state or something?

I don't use google docs that much so I have no idea.

@ZeForgotten said:

I will happily make it the first movie I have torrented in almost 6 years, that's for sure

You're too kind.

@Coombs said:

@Colourful_Hippie:

I have only one thing to say about that "movie"

Yeah, working on the plot did make me really happy.

#48 Posted by AssInAss (2655 posts) -

@Atlas said:

You people are weird.

I know Nicolas Cage fandom is based in irony, but seriously, why does this dumb joke still exist?

He's won an Oscar, dude. And he's great in Bad Lieutenant, Kick Ass, and especially Adaptation if you want a more subtle performance.

Dude's got acting chops and his own style, just he picks the worst movies some times and doesn't bring his A game all the time. Kinda like Robert De Niro.

#49 Edited by Colourful_Hippie (4368 posts) -

@AssInAss said:

@Atlas said:

You people are weird.

I know Nicolas Cage fandom is based in irony, but seriously, why does this dumb joke still exist?

He's won an Oscar, dude. And he's great in Bad Lieutenant, Kick Ass, and especially Adaptation if you want a more subtle performance.

Dude's got acting chops and his own style, just he picks the worst movies some times and doesn't bring his A game all the time. Kinda like Robert De Niro.

Cage has been taking on a lot of roles because he's been basically broke and as for De Niro he's just cashing in the checks. That guy has stopped giving a fuck a while ago.

#50 Posted by DizzyMedal (399 posts) -

@Colourful_Hippie said:

Denise is probably the first to die.

I'm in!