Alright, so I first got Resident Evil 4 on the Wii in junior high, and it was pretty unpopular and kind of crazy. Unfortunately, despite everyone hating it, it was the game amongst the girl's I hung out with that was always around, but everyone always complains about. This lead to me winding up at playing the Wii with friends on fairly regular occasions, maybe once a month or two. That's when I first met the Gamecube. The Gamecube always seemed kind of... inappropriate. It was always hanging around and trying to be the cool console, but people would make inappropriate jokes, and it was very... accommodating towards letting Jr. High and High School kids do whatever they wanted in their games. We all found it a bit kiddy, especially after coming across a few of its Wavebird Wireless Controllers lying around the house (we were young and immature), but we were kind of cool with it because it was pretty hot for an older console. Think of a purple lunchbox.
After a while, I started realizing a lot of the Gamecube's games were directed towards me. Freshman year, I was playing at the park with my friends, when a girl stopped by with her Gamecube. It kept distracting me from my baseball game until I gave it the attention it wanted, and the Wii didn't seem to like how I played all my games on the Gamecube. For some reason, I was completely oblivious to this having any further meaning, and bragged about all the sweet games I got, when Nintendo didn't give the Wii any. Looking back, it was pretty obvious that Nintendo wanted my money, but the Wii and I legitimately hated each other so...
Anyway, I eventually stopped playing on the Gamecube, until I started playing on the GBA when I was 16 that just happened to connect to the Gamecube. After the homecoming dance, I was playing my GBA, while on the television, I could see someone "emptying their memory card" on their Gamecube. Apparently they knew I they knew I liked having a lot of space to save my games and decided to "clean up". After about twenty minutes, the Gamecube's memory card came out looking like I had just brought it home from the store, completely bare.
So, I started up the Gamecube, still looking like it was fresh out of the box, while my DS and Wii were in the room, I enjoyed the options. I was 16 but I still didn't put the pieces together. Up until this point, I had not really realized that the ergonomic shape, or the purple color were anything more than ammo to use to tease Nintendo fans, but it was at this point that I started feeling bad for the Wii. I promptly went into the basement to get away from the Gamecube, but I had left something in my jacket, so I went up to get it. The Gamecube must've heard me, because the system's disc tray was running, signifying that I had a game waiting for me. I did my best to ignore it, and returned to the basement to spend time with my DS and Wii.
At this point, it had become a common joke among people in my High School class (about 200 people), but I don't think anyone ever really took it seriously. Like me, they probably never really connected the dots that something like that could ever actually be fun, especially with a Gamecube and a younger guy, because Metroid Prime had only been out for about 3 years, and most of us had just reached the age where we could play it. The influx of "FPS acceptance" was still on the cusp of breaking into the mainstream. I pretty much ignored or forgot the little things that happened after that, until the Gamecube started showing up with my Madden games and DDR, specifically Mario Mix, so it could watch me bust a move. A friend brought it by too, so we could play co-op.
After my girlfriend (the first girl I ever loved) broke up with me, I had trouble dealing with it. At about this time, the Nintendo Fan Club had found my email and kept sending me suggestive messages, asking if I had a girlfriend and how I needed a console to show me how to have fun. The Gamecube started offering to let me play new Star Fox and F-Zero, without outright saying anything specific. One day I was playing Gamecube while a "dudebro" football friend of mine was over, and he brushed it off saying that it was a system for little kids and I was taking it too seriously. In a spur of the moment thought, I bet him that I could find some cool M-rated games for the Gamecube, not really planning on following it through.
When I asked the internet if there were good "adult" games on the Wii, they offered me a number of choices, specifically violent ones. I'm a survival horror man, so I mentioned that and we set up a game of Resident Evil 4. It all happened so fast that I was in way over my head. Dudebro told me that I had to follow through on it, concerned that I was still heartbroken over my ex, and thinking how "awesome" a story it would be to tell people in college. The Gamecube, proving it had a youngster fetish, asked me to give Pikmin a try. (The sequel was almost out at this point.) Up until the last minute, I was literally shaking in anxiety as I shaved and showered and primped, not knowing if I could help Olimar reach his goal. My iTunes was on shuffle, and as I got dressed, "Do the Donkey Kong" started playing, and I accepted that as a sign that I should go through with it.
I turned on the system, the light of the console was orange, just like every crappy Dreamcast I had ever seen, and I put the game in the disc tray, and heard the system effortlessly start up. It had a large black handle, which I proceeded to use to move the system to my coffee table as I half payed attention to the episode of Nip/Tuck on the 13-inch television. I was sitting on the foot of the bed, in my button up shirt, downing vodka and staring at the wall when the game was booting up. The Gamecube did its thing, and the narrator announced the title. I instantly had waves of shame and regret. Nintendo was getting off on the inappropriate nature of the situation, I realized, while it was scarring me for life. They didn't care about my feelings, they just wanted to Do the Donkey Kong. Resident Evil was a Playstation franchise. It just didn't feel right. It was like Resident Evil 2 on the N64 all over again. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw some blood on the walls of the Ganados cabin and tried to ignore it. A chainsaw wielding maniac distracted me from the blood and started cutting down the door. I'm still not positive what that was about, but a few people have mentioned that if it's been a while, he'll chop your head off. I don't know, I've never had that happen since.
Everything was just so dirty and grimy and wrong. This wasn't some awesome story I'd be proud to share with people, this was a soul-crushing moment. I was in a cheap and rundown village, fighting a chainsaw man in a bloody room, with Nip/Tuck on the television next to bottles of vodka and cigarette smoke in the air. At this point I knew I had to get out of there, but I had paid 60 dollars, bought me some booze, and a number of my friends knew I was supposedly giving the game a shot, so I told myself I would play one more level as quick as I could, because I "owed it" to Capcom. I did one more level, and pretended to get a text from my "drunk friends" who needed a ride home. I told myself I'd come back afterwards, or maybe in the morning and (shamefully), snapped a screenshot of the game. It was a crappy flip phone, so the picture was really pixelated and you couldn't see what the system was, just that there was a girly protagonist shown on the screen. As much as I hated myself for what I had done, I felt I needed proof of what happened so my friends wouldn't think I was a liar who just wanted attention and was making shit up. I went home and took a cold shower (movies had taught me that this was the proper response to a traumatizing situation), but I still felt dirty so I laid in bed staring at the ceiling for hours before falling asleep.
The few people that I had already told saw the proof firsthand. There was the picture I had taken, and a voice mail of the narrator saying the title of the game. I figured now that I told the few people I felt obligated to, I could promptly begin to forget all about it. I think you know where this is going. We all had just left for college, but that didn't stop the message from spreading like wildfire. I was receiving emails and IMs every twenty minutes from high school friends asking about the situation, a few guys were proud and interested, but most of the girls were disgusted and ashamed of me. It really hit me that this was going far when a friend who had just moved to Colorado knew like every detail of the situation. A female friend's mom had heard the rumor, and my friend convinced her it was fake, thankfully. I started panicking that even adults were hearing the stories now, sure that it would get back to my family. My younger brother awkwardly approached me some time later about some "rumor" he heard, wanting to know if it was true without actually saying the words. I said I knew what he was referring to and implied that it was a joke made up by my Dudebro friend, and he accepted that, either because he believed it or because he wanted it to be true. To this day I'm not sure if my Mom ever found out, so I sometimes overcompensate in conversations to hint that I would never do what I did. If there is a young guy playing the Gamecube on TV I'll say that it's disgusting, or if rumors or gossip from our town pop up I'll mention how fake many of them turn out to be.
Within a month or two, the Wii had found out, and I couldn't apologize enough to this console that I hated. According to Nintendo's website now (6 years later), Resident Evil 4 is on the Wii, but it just seems like they're trying too hard. I developed a clinical depression shortly after that I'm only recently pulling myself out of. The girl I loved that I used as an excuse to do what I did was disgusted with me and it ended any chance of us getting back together. We're friends again, and I just went to her wedding, and now she tries to convince me what I did wasn't really all that wrong while I still consider it my biggest regret in life. These days it's only brought up by my friends if the topic of Gamecubes or Playstations come up, as jokes directed at me. I'm playing Luigi's Mansion this weekend - make sure Wrighteous isn't here, and things like that. No one really judges me for it anymore, but I still feel awful about it. What I did to the Wii is inexcusable, and it's not the kind of thing I ever expected myself to put a corporation through. I still have issues with what it says about me as a person, and I've developed a fetish for classic consoles. I only buy games that have motion controls, but I have played games that have no motion functionality at all.
Sorry this was so long and not as "Dude classic consoles are awesome!" as you guys were expecting, but it's real, and it is what it is. The truth is, it made me look at myself differently and it changed my life for the worse. Real hardcore games are always more complicated than you'd expect, and that's the reality of it.
If you have any questions, comment, or concerns, feel free to post them and I'll be sure to respond.