ultramagnus's Gears of War 3 (Xbox 360) review

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Chainsaw bayonets are rad and so is this game.

Shank a bitch with your Retro Lancer, slice people in half, run fast with your head in your ass, it's Gears of War folks. This is totally the best 360 exclusive since Halo: Reach and certainly the definitive third person shooter of all games until Uncharted 3. Graphical beauty and nasty-ass grub slaying is all here as any Gears fan would want and expect it, only it's pretty much a lot cooler than before.

First of all, the campaign is ill. I don't know who the fuck wrote this game's story, but it sure as hell wasn't the dudes that did Gears 1 or 2. Sure there's some "MARRRIIAAA" cheesy moments, but it's just way better now. SPOILER ALERT there's a part where a dude dies and it's actually sad. Also Ice-T is a guy and he's pretty crazy. He's like an oil tycoon pimp who treats his workers like prostitutes and farms Immulsion like no other. Yeah, you know. Ice-T. Level design and all that shit is supreme, weapons are cool, story is actually really good, it's got a nice and long length (HURHUR DICK JOKE), and 4 player co-op is sick.

Multiplayer and co-op shit is really good too. Dedicated servers are the best thing ever and I love them. Horde is still cool and Beast is a neat little Locust version of Horde. Weapons are balanced, maps are good, and chainsawing dudes is still the most fun thing in the world.

You know what's totally fucking lame, though? Yeah you know. THE FUCKING DLC. What the fuck is all this gun skin horse shit? It's pants on head retarded and a gross-ass business model. Thirty mother-fucking American dollars for gun skins? And ones that are already on the disc to boot? Who the fuck at Epic decided that their customers sucked and deserved this Ethiopian treatment? And then they call their season pass for $40 a fucking bargain. Shove it Cliffy B, ten bucks a map pack is still ridiculous, it's not a fucking bargain because CoD maps are $15. If you bought any gun skins that weren't for a Quick Look you're an idiot and should consider selling your game so the next person who buys it used from Gamestop absolves your sins of being a weak consumer.

Three fucking stars because of that DLC shit. Buy hey, other than that, the game is really tight, so check it out.

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