pentigram's Golden Axe: Beast Rider (Xbox 360) review

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Why have you forsaken me!?!

Golden Axe. All I have to do is say that name, and for most of my older reader(s) we remember dropping quarter after quarter into the arcade machine just to beat the game. So, with this title carrying the name "Golden Axe" you would think it would be a sure win... Right? -sigh- Nope... The only reason this game get's the half star rating (instead of none... Wait.. Is that possible..?) is because your dragon that you ride on is not only helpful, but fits the 'play' characteristic of the old one's. (Damn I miss you Golden Axe).

Alright... Ever have a dirty house, and you don't know where to start cleaning. There's just so much to do. Well, that's what we have on this bucket of shit. If you own this game (like I now do) you bought it because you just didn't believe in all the bad reviews. How could a game with Golden Axe be bad... Let's start (Sorry it took this long to actually get into the review). You're the amazon; with no choice to be anyone else. That's problem number one. Where's my dwarf?? Oh! There he is. He is now a N.P.C.!! Thank's Sega. What a kick to the nuts.

Don't even get me started on the voice acting. Have you ever been embarrassed to listen to someone act. Well, if not you will be. I think I could give my four year old the mic, and she could record better voice acting then... whom ever done the voice acting in this game. I would love to tell you what the story was about, but I got half way through the game, and still had no real idea as to what was going on. Something about the 'bad guys' kidnapping a sacred dragon. I dunno. I could be way off track but that's what I gathered.

Remember how on the old Golden Axe's (Yes, I know I keep going back to the good one's) you collect potions from the gnomes.. Well they're here in this one too. Good luck hitting the little bastards though. I know how they've always been fast, and slightly difficult to hit, but someone gave them bastards a lot of caffeine cause they're all over the place. To my knowledge there are not 'super attack(s)' that can kill / hurt everything on the screen, but you do get a 'flame thrust' with your sword. Yeah, it's pretty pathetic.

I spent 3.95 (+ tax) on this pile of shit, and I feel really bad about it. I could've spent that money on a hobo that wanted a beer, or I went out to eat, or anything except get this pile of crap. Do yourself a favor. Don't get this game. If you see it on the shelf for 0.50.. Go buy a gumball instead. Trust me.. You'll get more enjoyment out of it.

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