Giantbomb Lonely Hearts

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#1 Posted by Sweep (8845 posts) -

Everybody needs some lovin', and sometimes the best way to get it is to throw your entire personality out for the world to see, judge, and inevitably reject. This is the giantbomb lonely hearts thread, where users must compose and pitch, in only a few short sentences, their hook unto which the many fish in the sea may bite. The catch is that it must be videogame themed. 

Do you accept this challenge?

 Then go forth.

  
To demonstrate: 

Tall handsome mage seeks epic mount to grind with on Saturday nights. No trolls please. 
 
Now you go.
Moderator
#2 Posted by MikkaQ (10284 posts) -

Beefy space marine seeks alien ship to ride, thursdays only.

#3 Posted by DapperMan (102 posts) -

Dapper rogue looking for special someone to get from behind for massive crits, must love projectiles. 

#4 Edited by ChristianCastillo (1178 posts) -

Mad man looking for a woman to rub these balls of steel.  Hookers accepted.

#5 Posted by Sweep (8845 posts) -

Squat Italian seeks princess willing to gobble his mushrooms. Must have cake.

Moderator
#6 Posted by Skullomania (135 posts) -

Karate expert looking for a partner to beat and form "friendship" with, fine with ropes, projectiles and spears.

#7 Edited by RipTheVeins (1546 posts) -

Drowning Doom seeking foul flesh pit to sling their webs.

#8 Posted by Evilsbane (4595 posts) -

Strong silent type, with a habit of being the right man in the wrong place.

#9 Posted by Skullomania (135 posts) -

Slim androgynous male with short term memory loss seeks princess with great destiny (perhaps unknown?), preferably of an unknown civilization to routinly wipe down sword and preform "healing spells" upon request.

#10 Posted by TooWalrus (13178 posts) -

You'll love my purple headed staff, because it's epic.

#11 Edited by Jeust (10556 posts) -

Survivor of zombie apocalypse looks for a female team-mate to shoot some heads with. Heartbeat required. ^^

#12 Posted by Shrevey3 (13 posts) -

generic current-day conflict solider seeks companion to boost with every other Tuesday

#13 Posted by Snipzor (3317 posts) -

 Sarcastic shapeshifter searching for rogue to save the kingdom with, maybe activate cheesy love music with montage that shows absolutely nothing.

#14 Posted by Scooper (7882 posts) -

Multi-dimensional business man seeks shining gem to start resonance cascade with.

#15 Posted by JJWeatherman (14558 posts) -

The proper spelling is "Giant Bomb". Two words. 
 
If anyone wants to get it on with a grammar nazi, you know where to find me. Remember: I always punctuate.  <3

#16 Posted by DapperMan (102 posts) -

Human Spectre looking for anything with a pulse, enjoys getting intimate right before I think I'm gonna die

#17 Edited by Jayge_ (10221 posts) -

Fallen God seeks beautiful ivory-skinned female with a soothing voice and the ability to look into eyes that betray the presence of truths no mortal can remain sane after beholding, can protect you with the fury of ages past and attempt to comfort you with wise words that don't actually make any sense to anyone including myself. 
 
edit: hello new friends, click "see mini bio" to learn more about this mysterious poster with a respectable post count who you may not have seen before.

#18 Posted by Skullomania (135 posts) -

Slightly underage female seeks male with no aversion mild pedophilia, perversion, tentacles and akward boob physics.

#19 Posted by HS21 (2682 posts) -

27 year old man living in mother's basement looking for anything with a heartbeat to cum inside. Pac Man.  
 
Did I do it right? 

#20 Posted by Evilsbane (4595 posts) -
@Jayge said:
"   edit: hello new friends, click "see mini bio" to learn more about this mysterious poster with a respectable post count who you may not have seen before. "
You bastard.
#21 Posted by Snipzor (3317 posts) -
@HS21 said:
" 27 year old man living in mother's basement looking for anything with a heartbeat to cum inside. Pac Man.   Did I do it right?  "
Hey there ;)
#22 Posted by emkeighcameron (1876 posts) -

LFG

#23 Posted by CharlesAlanRatliff (5416 posts) -

Ripped, acrobatic male wanting to be slave to quiet-spoken girl looking for home.

#24 Posted by ZeroCast (1869 posts) -
@Skullomania said:

" Slightly underage female seeks male with no aversion mild pedophilia, perversion, tentacles and akward boob physics. "

 

ಠ_ಠ

#25 Posted by HS21 (2682 posts) -
@Snipzor said:
" @HS21 said:
" 27 year old man living in mother's basement looking for anything with a heartbeat to cum inside. Pac Man.   Did I do it right?  "
Hey there ;) "
Nyiughghhhh 
   
I mean, sup.
#26 Posted by Cloudleet (155 posts) -

Blue Hedgehog looking for company in female pink hedgehog who will kick off a whole stack of other companions which will start leading my franchise to it's inevitable doom.

#27 Posted by Sweep (8845 posts) -
@emkeighcameron said:
" LFG "
Winner.
Moderator
#28 Posted by EpicBenjamin (624 posts) -

Short and silent Spartan looking for a woman that wants to feel my Energy Sword.

#29 Posted by jakob187 (21665 posts) -
@Jayge: This is obviously some crazy illusion that the space wizards are causing.  For a second, it almost seemed like Jayge was posting on the Giant Bomb forums.
#30 Posted by Mowgers (379 posts) -

M, seeks F to hold hands, fall asleep on benches, run around ancient ruins with. Must like horns, hitting shadows with sticks.

#31 Posted by Tebbit (4461 posts) -

Yellow-pants-wearing, folk-instrument-named bear looking for bird willing to jump in the sack. 

#32 Posted by TheDudeOfGaming (6078 posts) -
@HS21: Epic comment of the year, i loled so hard dude :D
#33 Edited by Enigma777 (6071 posts) -

Teenage boy with a fondness for green pointed hats seeks a princess to rescue with his Master Sword. 

#34 Posted by Damodar (1375 posts) -

Boy Seeks Blob. M with proclivity for wearing shorts seeks tubby, gooey companionship. Must love hugs and jellybeans. Minions of the Emperor need not apply.

#35 Posted by Hamz (6846 posts) -
#36 Posted by valrog (3671 posts) -

Professional monster slayer looking for a sorceress to practice some magic behind the closed doors.

#37 Posted by Khann (2834 posts) -

Have huge penis. Also like acrobatics and fighting in WWII.

#38 Posted by moelarrycurly (668 posts) -

Small and fast boy made of meat seeks pink female companionship with a Band-Aid fetish.  Must hate doctors and fetuses.

#39 Posted by Vinchenzo (6192 posts) -

A free man seeks half-Asian pusseh.

#40 Posted by Jasta (2217 posts) -

Delta-Force operator seeks paranormal female, sexual assault is not permitted.

#41 Posted by Falx (347 posts) -

Male assassin seeks female assassin for fun with my hidden blade.
#42 Posted by Wunder_ (1169 posts) -

#43 Edited by Shrevey3 (13 posts) -
@HS21 said:
" 27 year old man living in mother's basement looking for anything with a heartbeat to cum inside. Pac Man.   Did I do it right?  "

You sir are a winner
#44 Posted by ViciousAnchovy (737 posts) -
@Tebbit: My favorite so far. 
 
New-to-town human male with inexplicable horns on head seeks animal companion. No raccoons or moles. Short on bells.
#45 Posted by Daveyo520 (6686 posts) -

Rookie cop looking for female partner. Just got to town and need someone to show me around. We may go for a little overtime. Please no biting.

#46 Posted by nintendoeats (5975 posts) -

Recent newcomer to town seeking woman willing to pretend to be dead wife.
 
JS.

#47 Posted by Daveyo520 (6686 posts) -
@nintendoeats: Bravo.
#48 Posted by nintendoeats (5975 posts) -
@Daveyo520 said:
" @nintendoeats: Bravo. "
Would you believe that I didn't read yours before I posted that?
#49 Edited by Daveyo520 (6686 posts) -
@nintendoeats: Yes because they are unrelated :p Well besides being about the 2nd game in survival horror franchises. I just like SH2 and wanted to commend you.
#50 Edited by Gamer_152 (14072 posts) -

Corrupted New Mombasa AI seeks section 1 ONI operative for urgent data transfer and maybe more.

Moderator

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