The Jeff Gerstmann wiki last edited by swat200 on 04/20/14 10:54AM View full history

Overview

Jeff "Big Jeffrey" Gerstmann is a video game journalist from Petaluma, California. He is one of the co-founders of the video game website Giant Bomb, along with Ryan Davis and Dave Snider. Prior to co-founding Giant Bomb, Jeff worked at GameSpot for eleven years before being terminated in a highly publicized and hotly debated event on November 28, 2007.

Biography

Jeff enjoying cake

Jeff started working in video game journalism in the early 90s, doing freelance work as well as working for a print magazine for under a year. Jeff also did a few odd jobs before going to GameSpot, which included working as the guy who transported the film to movie theaters, and working at a movie theater. He has been on the outskirts of the game industry since he was 17. In 1996 Jeff got his start at GameSpot as an intern. During his eleven years at GameSpot, Jeff worked with many people who have gone on to work for high-profile developers including Joe Fielder (Irrational Games), Erik Wolpaw (Valve), Amer Ajami (EA LA), Bob Colayco (Blizzard), Carrie Gouskos (EA Mythic), Greg Kasavin (Supergiant Games), Rich Gallup (Summer Camp Studios), and former Screened editors Matt Rorie and Alex Navarro.

When user-generated video content was introduced to GameSpot, Jeff created a semi-weekly video podcast titled "Points Report," wherein he would give his Xbox 360 Gamerscore and talk about the games he had been playing, and whatever else was on his mind. Jeff was eventually appointed editorial director and was in charge of scheduling reviews.

On November 28, 2007, Jeff was let go from GameSpot. This was a result of the inexperienced management team at Gamespot feeling nervous about losing ad money thanks to Jeff's low review score for Kane & Lynch: Dead Men. Jeff says he had to go through several "intense meetings" and was "threatened" before finally being fired not long after the review was posted.

Jeff is ''The Styling-est'

His departure came as a shock to most people, even within the offices of GameSpot. GameSpot's message boards and blogs were soon aflame with angry questions and comments from both users and staff because of CNET and GameSpot's poor handling of the situation. Following Jeff's termination, several other members of the staff left as well, including Ryan Davis, Brad Shoemaker, Alex Navarro, Vinny Caravella, Jason Ocampo, and longtime freelancer Frank Provo.

In February of 2008, Jeff and Ryan started recording a podcast called Arrow Pointing Down, where they discussed video games, beverages, and other news. In March, Jeff and Ryan started the blog form of Giant Bomb, where they posted gaming news and game reviews. The Arrow Pointing Down podcast became known as the Giant Bombcast. Brad Shoemaker and Vinny Caravella joined Giant Bomb in June. The full Giant Bomb site launched in beta on July 21, 2008. On March 15th 2012 it was announced that Giant Bomb was purchased by GameSpot's parent company CBS and the Giant Bomb offices would be moved into the GameSpot headquarters.

Appearances in Mainstream Media

Say good morning to America, Jeff.

Considered an expert in the field of video games, Jeff has made appearances on national news. In September 1999, he appeared on ABC's Good Morning America to discuss the launch of the Dreamcast. In 2007, he was quoted in the New York Times regarding the Nintendo Wii's success. He has also made appearances on TV and internet technology shows. In August 2005, he co-hosted Attack of the Show for a week. He appeared on the October 1st edition of CNET Live to discuss the buzz around Halo 3. He also made an appearance on G4's X-Play show to discuss Japanese gaming and his departure from GameSpot. On August 3, 2009, Jeff again made an appearance on X-Play to discuss recent games shifting release dates from 2009 to 2010.

On October 6th, 2008, Jeff made his debut appearance on Episode 27 of GameTrailers.com's "Bonus Round" where he joined Michael Pachter, Shane Satterfield, and Geoff Keighley to discuss the Q4 2008 release schedule. On April 8, 2009, he returned in a special GDC edition of "Bonus Round," with David Jaffe and Michael Pachter. Jeff's third appearance on the "Bonus Round" was for the 2010 E3 preview special, where he discussed the upcoming E3 with analyst Michael Pachter, Game Informer editor Andy McNamara, and host Geoff Keighley. His latest appearance is the E3 2011 preview special with Michael Pachter, Shane Satterfield, and Geoff Keighley.

Gerstmann made a brief appearance on NPR's Morning Edition on April 19th, 2011, discussing the success of Portal.

In 2012 he appeared for an extensive career-focused interview on the April 23rd Up At Noon show hosted by Greg Miller of IGN. Jeff stated on the 2012 PAX East panel that he thinks "Greg Miller is doing interesting stuff".

Side Projects

  • Jeff is part of a band called Midnight Brown, which has released four albums, their most recent one being Deadly Electric. Audio samples from several tracks on the 2084 and 17 Brown Lies albums have featured in many Gamespot and Giant Bomb video, perhaps most notably "Too Hot" as the HotSpot theme.
  • Jeff is a strong believer in audience engagement, and maintains several points of contact with the community at large, such as iPhone streaming his commutes with Ryan on Justin.tv, and other kinds of Q&A segments such as webcam shows from his home (VYou, Points Report, Jar Time) and his tumblr page.
  • Jeff has stated on his Jar Time that Giant Bomb gives him a great creative outlet, so the drive to make new music has lessened somewhat.
  • Jeff is also currently working on being the Apocalypse for sandwiches.
  • Jeff is planning to go and raid Japan of its delicious retrogames.

Music Career

Giddy Heights

In December 1995, Jeff Gerstmann and Glenn Rubenstein formed the rap duo "Headboard" in Petaluma, California. From that point forward, Rubenstein went under the moniker "G-Man" while Gerstmann adopted the moniker "US Pipe." The duo was joined with their "anti-hype man" Brendan Ducousso or "Gotti". Two weeks after the band was formed, Headboard had their first gig, opening for the band Skillit.

The band had decided their name only days before the show and were writing lyrics up until they went on stage. Most of the lyrics weren't memorized and were read off paper during the performance, where they also began selling their first EP on cassette tapes entitled "Zip! Plop!," which were made the night before the concert. Headboard soon began adding more and more members to the band, eventually amassing 11 members, including Gerstmann's future co-worker Alex Navarro. Headboard's sound continued to evolve, becoming more of a ska band than a rap group. Soon, Headboard would release their first album, "Brendan Goes to College". However, in the summer of 1997, Gerstmann and Ducousso left Headboard after Gerstmann disagreed with the direction of the band, and the band's pursuit of a record label.

Midnight Brown

Gerstmann and Ducousso would go on to form the rap group "Suburban All-Stars". The group was a throwback to Headboard's original sound. The lyrics were extremely obscene, and mostly dealt with sex. One song, In the Can In the Can, was about having anal sex while in a public bathroom. Yeah. The group was soon joined by Ryan Davis and Alex Navarro, and the tone of the band continued to become less serious. Suburban All-Stars ended up being fairly short-lived.

After the breakup of Suburban All-Stars, Gerstmann was not ready to give up his music career just yet and in 2003, he formed Midnight Brown, alongside his roommate Chris Henderson. The name came from a shoe color in an East Bay Catalog. The duo's backup name was "Emily's Favorite Sweater". In March 2004, Midnight Brown released their first album, "17 Brown Lies", which was recorded mostly on Sundays. The band combined many different genres with electronic music, which the band described as "Post-Indiepop Electro". The album was self-released for free on the band's website.

Spit Game

In December 2004, the duo released their second album, "2084", named after the year in which the classic arcade game Robotron takes place. The band described their new sound as "fifth-wave" music. Like their first album, "2084" was self-released for free on the band's website. In February 2006, Midnight Brown released their third album, "Dope/Revenge." The album was a double-sided, the first side dealing with drug addiction and the second with mankind's lust for revenge.

The band's fourth album, Deadly Electric, was released on January 17th, 2010. This is their first album in the "Shoeblazer" genre. The band has stated that this will be the last full Midnight Brown album, and that they will instead release songs individually as they are completed.

Fun Facts Regarding Individual Tracks

The conversation between Jeff and Chris in "Call 'em Like You See 'em" was entirely improvised, and all of it was recorded in one take with very minimal editing. Because of its improvised nature, Jeff considers this track the most fun Midnight Brown song to produce.

"Baristacratic" and "go! go! vietnam" were based on a former roommate of the two.

The titular Cop Knife

The Japanese dialogue heard in "Kiss One More Time" is comprised of actual Japanese, though Jeff does not know what any of it means. It's a cover of a song by Tommy February6 of the same name.

There is a newly released version of "Robot Vampire" entitled "Reggae Vampire". Jeff declared it to be the "dumbest fucking song in the world". While it has yet to see release as a part of an official Midnight Brown album, Jeff did eventually allow the internet to hear it.

The clicking sound in Cop Knife is the opening of a knife. Gerstmann has stated that Cop Knife is not about cops or knives, but rather about ordering takeout food. Instead, the song is named after a knife owned by Gerstmann, the Spyderco Police Model, seen to the right.

One of "The Three Fs" may or may not be "Friendship".

Things Jeff Hates

Jeff admits that he is a bit unreasonable, and nowhere is this more evident than in his beloved hate. Jeff Gerstmann's ever-growing list of "hates" includes the following, but is not limited to:

Miscellaneous Facts

  • Purchased a Sony Airboard Television from Japan to keep in his kitchen. Rich Gallup proceeded to call him "an idiot" for making the purchase. Because of the lag it is not possible to play video games on the TV. Jeff now considers it "a waste of money".
  • Appeared in a FUBU jersey and shorts on Good Morning America during the Dreamcast launch, marking the day people stopped wearing FUBU. Diane Sawyer touched his leg.
  • Is red/green colorblind.
  • Went to Japan. Beat a guy in Street Fighter IV. Whether that guy was the infamous user "Cross-Dressing E. Honda Player" is unknown.
  • Wears a size 13 shoe.
  • In total, Jeff spent $531 purchasing games from Game Room. It is unknown how/if he sleeps at night.
  • Wrote for a games magazine called Blaster. However, it only lasted 3 issues.
  • First game console was a Fairchild Channel F.
    • After it was ruined in a flood (The Fairchild), he bought an Atari home computer.
  • Has only finished Guitar Hero III on Easy.
  • While unemployed, says he played many hours of Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare with Rich Gallup and animator Ben Coello.
  • Apparently has also played Call of Duty with rapper and actor Ice-T.
  • On the Bombcast, has stated that he agrees with Ice-T and thinks Lil' Wayne is "a bit weird."
  • Used money his parents left him for food to buy a Turbografx and a shirt that said "Shut Up, Bitch!" on it.
  • Purposely walked into English class late wearing the above shirt (that said "Shut up, Bitch!") and was forced to turn it inside out.
  • Used to go to chess club meetings in school because their line for chocolate milk was shorter than the line at the cafeteria. As a result, he accidentally got into the chess club photo in his high school yearbook.
  • Favorite soccer player is Kaka.
  • Has said as part of an April Fool's joke that RapeLay (a fairly infamous Japanese rape game) is his favourite game, but that it would be greatly improved if the title had the word "Party" at the end.
  • Likes boobs.
  • Apparently overcame an unknown addiction with the help of Galaga. To hemp milk, presumably.
  • In school, paid his drama teacher $18 for an A in the class.
  • Favorite Pokemon is Koffing. He even took Pokemon Snap to Blockbuster to print out his snapshots of Koffing and told Pokemon Center Tokyo that "No Koffing merchandise = No Jeff!"
  • Has more or less memorized the button combination to reset the title update. It's "either LB, RB, X, X, RB' or 'X, X, LB, RB, X, X."
  • Loves orange soda.
  • Almost died at a Walgreens in Houston, TX. Details are not forthcoming.
  • Is pro-explosion.
  • Is supposedly writing a book of poetry entitled "The Space Above the Snow".
  • Has voices inside of his head.
  • Once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.
  • While in junior high, once played the national anthem on a saxophone in the middle of a speedway.
  • Was once struck in the forehead with a batted baseball and fell face-first into a pile of cow feces. He does not relish the memory.
  • Delivers stuff at night. (Source at 16:45)
  • Favorite game of all time is Smash TV.
  • Can chug a can of Coca-Cola in less than 9 seconds.
  • Believes Domo-Kun is a murder junkie. Me Gusta Merle Allin.
  • Has stepped on a Wombat's neck before. Details are not forthcoming.
  • Signature move is the Axe Kick! It's super effective against crates.
  • Is a self-absorbed glory hunter.
  • The helicopter suit is his favorite suit.
  • It is unknown if Jeff is SOL on the volcano stage in Street Fighter IV.
  • Loves shiny white pants.
  • Is a full-on Shred-O-Holic, bro. For real, dude. Gnarly.
  • Quicksaved with 5 health once. Dumbest thing he's ever done.
  • Gave the infamous "8.8" Twilight Princess review that spawned an internet meme.
  • Can tell 10 times out of 10 if a video game character will turn into a dinosaur. This has happened less than three times in gaming history, so it is unclear where he gained this data.
  • Does not like organic ketchup. He prefers Heinz.
  • Thinks Dirt Nasty is the new Owl City.
  • Has made a pact with Ryan Davis to never go to the Gathering of the Juggalos.
  • Has never seen an episode of Lost.
  • Second favorite flavor of Slurpee is "Whirlwind of Fury."
  • Would eat a Koffing but not a Weezing.
  • Is presumably amused by having his last name continuously mispronounced as "Gertzmann" by industry veteran Geoff Keighley.
  • Has been known to Jungle.
  • Thinks he hasn't been baptized, but isn't sure.
  • Once had a crap nap, partly to test his washing machine's capabilities.
  • Loves Motion Blur.
  • Along with Ryan Davis once finished three Pizza Pies in one sitting. Immediately regretted this decision.
  • Lived with the three Pizza Hut waitresses who served him the aforementioned pizzas.
  • Is one half of an elite time-travelling duo known as the Time Trotters, who are entrusted with the epic task of saving old video games from obscurity.
  • Has a Nintendo Wii.
  • Favorite radio station is 96.5 WLBJ.
  • Once held a baby at PAX East 2010.
  • Is not a cop. He'd have to tell us if he were a cop. He knows that.
  • Knows the date of Adolf Hitler's birthday by memory.
  • Used to have a job sweeping/cleaning movie theatres. He claims to only have worked there "for about a week" before saying "fuck this."
  • Once peed on a seat at a movie theatre during the 1992 movie "Singles". His justification for this was that it was a bad movie. Requests to the theatre for comment went unanswered.
  • Has subscribed to the DirectTV Baseball package for the past 3 years, despite having no interest in the sport.
  • Wonders if Joe Danger is one of those games that goes over 100%.
  • Wants to see a video game where Brad Garrett gets beaten to death with a blunt object.
  • Can't think of ANYONE more authentic than Kid Rock.
  • Thinks the sun had it comin' as far as he's concerned.
  • Thinks people who clapped at the E3 2010 Star Wars: The Old Republic trailer are "fuckin' idiots". Paul Barnett liked the trailer, by the way.
  • Carrie gave him her "bread maker" after she left San Fran. What that is a euphemism for remains a mystery.
  • Has handled the elusive "Black Mamba".
  • According to Ryan, Jeff can't stab sound.
  • Brown liquors scare Jeff.
  • Is easily decapitated by Welsh Knights.
  • Had a deadly encounter with a spider while taking a shower before work one day. He claims it was coming right at him, and promptly jumped out of the shower and tried to kill it with water. He wasn't able to finish it off, as he had to catch the boat to work.
  • The fact that Jeff's mom kept black widow spiders scarred him emotionally and led him down the dark lifestyle of a Spiderist.
  • As a child hated running out of rupees in The Legend of Zelda so much that when he went to bed his father would secretly load up his save and collect rupees for him.
  • Went to a midnight screening of the first Pokémon Movie.
  • Knows that Brad's sister speaks German.
  • Got punched one year at PAX.
  • Considers Quake to be the video game equivalent of a glory hole.
  • His mother is an assassin, or so he believes, due to above-said black widows.
  • His mom used to look through his code for mistakes when Jeff dabbled in programming because he could not be bothered to do it.
  • Likes crossovers. You combine anything with anything, he's in.
  • Got fired for being honest. And people respect that.
  • Has never smoked "The Pot". And people do not respect that.
  • Is credited in the "Special Thanks" section of Guitar Hero II along with Ryan Davis, Brad Shoemaker, Geoff Keighley, Jessica Chobot, and others supposedly because they helped cover the first game. Jeff's name is misspelled as "Jeff Gershmann"
  • Javelin is his favorite Olympic sport.
  • On November 4th, 2010 during the Kinect Live stream Jeff revealed that he weighs 272 lbs.
  • Dave Snider thinks Jeff is beautiful.
  • Had a shotgun stuck in his car window once.
  • Loves cardboard boxes.
  • Jeff enjoys long drives.
  • Claims that Wendy's has the best French fries.
  • Likes his steak cooked medium.
  • Has been in a few car crashes, but never severely injured in one.
  • Will put ketchup on his steak.
  • He wants to become a professional lunch-eater.
  • If he did not become a game journalist he would probably be a burglar or an auto-repair man.
  • Never used the eject button. Never.
  • Was disgusted that the other staff members (read: Ryan) decided to eliminate the Nintendo new releases part of the Bombcast, so on January 18th, 2011 he decided to start his own podcast completely devoted to the Nintendo DSiWare and WiiWare releases. The inaugural episode can be found here.
  • Demonstrated a great degree of cunning in tricking Vinny and Brad to appear on the second episode of the Nintendownload Xpress.
  • Jeff is this year's Braid. According to Brad, however, Jeff is every year's Braid.
  • Thinks that all teachers are old and have saggy boobs.
  • Thinks you can't date girls that play soccer because you can't trust them.
  • Is a titan of the banana world.
  • 3D gives him the hiccups.
  • Thinks dead batteries are sexy.
  • The movie Chasing Amy makes him sad and he does not want to watch it again for that reason.
  • Is art.
  • Is really bad at tying knots.
  • Ironically only managed to memorize the phone number for The Hotspot after he stopped working at GameSpot.
  • Was a boy scout for three weeks until he discovered that he hated camping.
  • Jeff has never knowingly consumed wheat.
  • Is on record as liking Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero.
  • Loves Satan.
  • Believes that it's always more fun to die together.
  • In Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 (which Jeff considers one of the greatest games ever made) he would always play as Bam Margera. He once was in the same establishment as Bam. Jeff said Bam was shorter than he expected.
  • Has a list of things he thinks Gods could do. Flying is on said list.
  • Is not a big fan of watermelons.
  • Gave the raccoons that live near his house a shitty ice cream sandwich as a passive aggressive diss.
  • Finds drinking water to be hard.
  • Thinks light cycles are a lot like space tennis.
  • Does not like ribs, wings, or drumsticks because there is too much bone.
  • According to Ryan Davis, he looks like a serial offender.
  • Watches TNA only because he wants to prove to himself that he can watch the worst television possible. After watching for a few weeks he has concluded that wrestling has become even dumber than it was before.
  • Thought his Quick Look of Hunted: The Demon Forge was like "a bad fuckin' episode of Blues Clues" It is still unclear how Jeff would know this.
  • He would like Edward Norton to star in every upcoming movie.
  • Eats his popcorn without lettuce.
  • On the weekends Jeff gets together with his vaunting league. John Smith masks are involved.
  • Added the picture of John Simpson the 3rd (voice of Parappa) from his 1999 iPhoto album.
  • Would rather eat a shitsteak than lady milk from a cow. (Source)
  • Loves both guns and abortion.
  • Has "a room devoted to his Gundams". It's still a mystery how big this sanctuary is.
  • Had a dream he was beating a possum to death with a police baton on his bed.
  • Has invincible feet.
  • Applied for a testing position at Lucas when he was 14. He got denied.
  • Wants to have sex with a fish.
  • Went to an outdoor high school.
  • Brad saw Jeff's "man page". He wasn't impressed.
  • Thinks the devil is sort of a dick, but has pretty good parties.
  • Used to have conversations about the clapping in MK 1 with his friend.
  • His (former) mustache was named "Fat Magnum".
  • Professed his love for Kit-Kat's during the 2nd Annual Big Live Live Show Live.
  • Likes to spot dudes.
  • Is left-handed.
  • Owns an unopened copy of the tambourine game Mini Moni Shakkato Tambourine The Piyon.
  • Once had "a thing" going on with Ryan Davis.
  • Admitted on Tested's Octoberkast that he smokes organic, fair trade crime-free crack from a Daffy Duck crack pipe.
  • Likes Justin Timberlake and supports all his endeavours.
  • His wisdom teeth have been taken out.
  • He almost bought a Japanese toilet during his trip to Japan.
  • Does not want people asking him about the Internet.
  • Believes he was, at some point in time, the world's best NFL Blitz '99 player. Also, Jeff thinks Blitz '99 is one of the greatest games ever.
  • He's into having sex, not making love.
  • Might have people "keeping tabs" on your whereabouts.
  • Tips pizza delivery drivers fairly well.
  • Worst thing to happen to Jeff, according to Jeff, is fumbling the ball in NFL Blitz while playing against a fan of both Giant Bomb and the Packers on the January 12th 2012 edition of TNT.
  • Is a master chef, although most recipes involve inches of mayonnaise, tomato paste, Jimmy Dean sausage and turning that pan "All the way up".
  • Has spent about $500 at an auction for cancer research to get the full run of Sledge Hammer!, the TV show, on VHS.
  • Thinks the behind the back perspective of Grand Theft Auto III makes its a lot "iller" then the first two in the series.
  • Is thought to be a space Egyptian incognito.
  • Would build what he calls a "murder slingshot" and fling criminals into the sun if elected president. His political platform would also include either shooting rockets full of garbage to the sun, using said slingshot for garbage disposal, or building a space elevator for hurling garbage to the sun.
  • He has an intense love of pennies and becomes hostile at the mere mention of a world without them.
  • Has "very dainty feet", which is contrary to how he feels about Ryan Davis' feet, which are "bricks with toenails".
  • He may or may not be considered a hoarder.
  • Is for babies.
  • He can do magic. Because of this, Ryan Davis now thinks he is a demon.
  • Snorted a Pixy Stix one time in middle school. Stay in school, kids.
  • Has admitted that he eats like a child.
  • Has been working on his Brad Shoemaker impression for a while and showcased it on the Bombcast.
  • Doesn't like magic wands because they don't "look tough".
  • He finds Lara Flynn Boyle to be very attractive. This is why he likes Men In Black 2 even though he admits that it's not a good movie.
  • He likes to drink screwdrivers.
  • Jeff is not comfortable with Nintendo's "long history of strapping stuff to women".
  • Was not impressed by "Dark Berry Mountain Dew" and would rather have a "Code-red".
  • Doesn't like your girlfriend.
  • Once licked a drum machine dripping battery acid. He thought it was in fact dripping tasty syrup.
  • Once wore a Resident Evil RPD shirt to jury duty and they tried to dismiss him because they thought he was a cop.
  • When he was a young lad, Jeff owned a short wave CB radio which he used to fuck with passing truckers.
  • Jeff's ass recently got a little more boney.
  • Jeff thinks Adobe Air is the worst thing ever.
  • Thinks he and Ryan Davis' fake Cliff Blezinski "would probably get along pretty well".
  • Thinks Italian karate is the deadliest of all karates.
  • Really wants to ride Dumbo.
  • Thinks hip-hop tastes like cheese balls.
  • Thinks Day of the Tentacle is one of the greatest games ever made.
  • The name of Jeff's new zombie game is "Zurvivalism".
  • Popping bubble wrap doesn't do anything for him any more.
  • Hates communism, but says the movie Spies Like Us made him want to be a communist.
  • Thinks Spies Like Us is a classic, and is set to appear in the Jeff Gerstmann movie collection.
  • On more than one occasion, has written down his fever dreams that were all game pitches.
  • Loves plastic bags.
  • He is a freelance geisha-er.
  • His life is a dark middle chapter.
  • Was home sick taking a horrible shit while on a conference call with Peter Moore announcing the Dreamcast was going away.
  • Likes life ashy.
  • ijustwanttodie@comcast.net is his origin account. Great way to sum up the Wii U launch as well.
  • Is a self-admitted sheep stroker.
  • Has written his own Star Wars story entitled, "Being a Jedi is for Suckers".
  • Would be a friendly ghost.
  • Hates gummy everything, except the occasional gummy vitamin.
  • He might just not have any balls.
  • Thinks Cyborg is super lame.
  • He just wants to fight.
  • Loves Hockey (source EA).
  • Loves baked chips.
  • Thinks shields are for dorks.
  • As of January 9th 2014, he owns The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift in 6 different forms
  • The one time he drove in a demolition derby his neck hurt for a month after.

Memorable Quotes

  • "Anime is for jerks."
  • "I *KNOW* you've been reading all that Joust fan-fiction I've written."
  • "I think the screams of children would improve this game."
  • " I'm gonna make sweet love to 'em from the back!"
  • " I love Satan!"
  • "I'm almost outta chainsaw juice, but that guys almost outta limbs."
  • "Damn girl, I'm gonna take you out back for a Grease Dance."
  • "I'm down for a Grease Dance."
  • "I'm always trying to find ways to expose myself to kids."
  • "I killed that guy, in the head!"
  • "I'm an ice cream cone!"
  • "I'M A CUPCAKE!"
  • "It's a mixed bag."
  • "DUDE, MOMMA'S FAMILY!"
  • "IT''S FULL OF WIN!"
  • "How are you liking me stabbing you in the bitch, bitch?"
  • "Hook that dog's ass up to my mouth."
  • "Screw it. Let's just make that dragon come again."
  • "LIVELY!"
  • "Take him to the MURDER SLINGSHOT!"
  • "SPF fuck you!"
  • "I want the whole world to see my NAT."
  • " BIG BO!!!!!!!"
  • "All these balls... BALLS!"
  • "Just say no to ass games!!"
  • "I keep it pretty webinar-nar bro."
  • "Suck shit out of a lead pipe marked "shit delivery system"."
  • "At least the one snake comes multiple times."
  • "Fuck all video games."
  • "I shouldn't have put that hammer in my mouth."
  • "YOU'RE A PRETTY BLUE LADY."
  • "I feel like I need to share my shit story."
  • "New plan, the space slingshot will shoot you fast."
  • "I'm a sexy lady and I need this... stuff."
  • "I gave it to em right in the A."
  • "Now this is sorta like holding a Choco Taco up to your head."
  • " Drop 'em"
  • "Tearing out the ass!"
  • "There are " great" Micheal Bay movies."
  • "What if it lands on an alien planet, and then we're dicks?"
  • "Furryvania."
  • "All music is music Satan."
  • "If you are having a duck shit picnic...contact a doctor, cause I don't think that's safe."
  • "I grew up on the streets where there were spiders all the time."
  • "You mother fuckers see my snizors?!"
  • "The Youtube kids know what it takes to be a man."
  • "What's a Rooster Teeth?"
  • "FUCK RYAN DAVIS"
  • "You were there but you didn't shoot anyone did you puppy combs"
  • "Picture me, in my underwear, doing the Electric Slide. And you will have a good idea of how my weekend went."
  • "I was pulling the trigger as he did me."
  • "I've got eggs coming out of my egghole."
  • "I don't want to act unprofessionally and say things that I'll regret later... but this is the 9/11 of video games"
  • "The last time I drank tequila it was with a pregnant girl."
  • "Only you can rub one out to this photo... you fucking degenerate" (imitating Smokey the Bear)
  • "Keep watchin' Netflix in space you dicks."
  • "Gotta kill them with balls."
  • "I am deadly serious about this shower hose that emits tomato soup"
  • "Shut the fuck up and have fun"
  • "Harmonix: We hit all the notes."
  • "I hate all video games."
  • "Well, fuck ears!"
  • "Europe. *scoffs* Like that's a place."
  • "Thanks Viagra."
  • "Fuck you Motorbike! I love you Motorbike!"
  • "Raisin Bran like a motherfucker"
  • "Put bucket on head and go protect me from SPAAACEBULLETS!"
  • "But hey, let's lighten up have a good time it's still fucking video games right."
  • "Booty Drama"
  • "Fuck a party, I got a PS4."
  • "Let's give it a meat station too! Fuck it, man!"
  • "Look man, this zoo is great if you are scared of snakes or if you like snakes, if you like snakes we fuckin' have a bunch and if you are scared of snakes they are far the fuck away from the bear"
  • "I just like hurting children."
  • "Do a 360 no scope off of this ladder, motherfucker"
  • "The only thing you learn is a fuckin' healthy disrespect for bullshit."

Rap Names

Jeff has several rap names, including but not limited to:

  • "Yung D-Tektiv"
  • "Bronze Dice"
  • "Secret Bambino"
  • "The Purple Persona"
  • "Hard Bolero" ("the hardest," Jeff said)
  • "U.S. Pipe" (full version: "Ulysses S. Pipe")
  • "Heavily French MC"
  • "Baby Chu-Chu"
  • "Dirty Future"
  • "Dirty Purple"
  • "DJ Angel Hair Pasta"
  • "O' Dust"
  • "The Hardest J"
  • "Big Buck Hunter" (actually his porn star name)
  • "Dick Mohawk" (actually his action movie name)
  • "Mister Holdout"
  • "OJ"
  • "Pizza XL"
  • "Cam-Raa"
  • "Doctor Tracksuit"
  • "Hip-Hop Diablo"
  • "Saucepan Man"
  • "Silky the Fairy"
  • "Apocalyptic P"
  • "Ill Right"
  • "DJ Jeff"
  • "The RAP Man"
  • " Young Detective"
  • "ORIENTAL J"
  • "OMEGA BRAIN"
  • "Petaluma Batman"
  • "Every rapper worth a fuck"
  • "Rap Game White Grimace"
  • "Ricky English"
  • "DJ Free iPads"
  • "Big Wickets"
  • "The Professor"
  • "MC Wimpy"
  • "Shoplifta"
  • "Day Job Paycheck"
  • "The Big Boss Man"
  • "Megatron"
  • "Jack McGee"
  • "Daddy Blow"
  • "U.S. Pumice: the Lady's Aide"
  • "Tank"
  • "DJ Tripledick"
  • "Captain Ortega"
  • "The Narcoleptic Assassin"
  • "The White Mystery"
  • "Johnny "Nitrane" Monfreeze"
  • "Tom Fancy"
  • "Rocky Suezo"
  • "Dirty Sanchez"
  • "White Dawg"

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