My brother and I have been trying to play this game for the past thirty minutes but as soon as we boot up the game it instantly crashes to desktop. What the hell? Anyone else having this problem right now?  This is ridiculous.

Does it give you a black/white screen at startup or is it just "failed to run/critical error/whatnot" ?

neither. it just shows the zoomed out pic of the table with the book on it. then it makes the first 3 notes of the intro song. then crashes to desktop without any notification of any kind

Use more skill.

" Use more skill. "

Best advice I can give is don't waste your time. The co-op (whether it be online or lan) just seems to break the game for me, even with all the patches they've been pouring out. Admittedly it works for some people it seems but me and a mate have been trying for days and the furthest we've got is chapter 3 with all the bugs before it just dies. Guess you can just wait until paradox or whatever irons everything out? Or play single player.
 
EDIT: My bad, i reread your post and my reply has nothing to do with it. Sorry, I don't know how to help if it won't even let you get in-game.

Your video drivers and direct x updated?

Don't mess with co-op for a bit. I'm pretty sure they're still working on the insane bugginess of it right now. So if you really want to play, do it in single-layer, and avoid co-op for the time being. You might check it out in a week or so, and see if it's improved since then. That's my advice at least.

" My brother and I have been trying to play this game for the past thirty minutes but as soon as we boot up the game it instantly crashes to desktop. What the hell? Anyone else having this problem right now?  This is ridiculous. "

i am trying to get updates to dx, xna, and .net. based off of what someone posted on the paradox/magicka forums.   Honestly i don't see how my computer could play the game at all if i didn't already have those things installed.  Up until today, i was playing the game for hours on end in co-op and single player with only minor issues.  then today for no reason it just starts crashing when i load it up. 

well, i reinstalled directx and just tried to run the game for kicks. apparently that's what it needed. i can play again. even though the game is still pretty buggy

Yeah, the installation process is really really weird. Luckily, it only took me 2 tries for that 3.1 .net thing to install properly and start the game right. I've been playing co-op all day yesterday and it makes the game even better than the already awesome single player.