Burnout Crash, the Cartoony Top-Down Racer (With Lobster Monsters) You've Wanted All These Years

We caught wind of the existence of Burnout Crash! thanks to the Australian Classification Review Board and their penchant for acknowledging games that have been put into their ratings database, regardless as to whether or not PR people have bothered to announce them yet. Now, the ESRB has gone a step further and written up one of their famously awkward summaries of what the game actually is, and... well, you know what? Why don't you just read for yourself.

 The most disturbing lobster monster of them all.

This is an action game in which players earn points for creating traffic pileups. From a top-down perspective, players initiate crashes by driving 'cartoony' vehicles (e.g., cars, trucks, vans, buses) into busy intersections; multiple crashes trigger score multipliers and rack up large 'bills' of property damage. Each level is accompanied by crashing sounds, small explosions, and vocal encouragement (e.g., 'Cool,' 'Maximum Carnage!'). In some levels, players are instructed to crash into police cars (e.g., 'Crash them before they bust you!'); in other sequences, oversized airplanes, tornados, lobster monsters, and UFOs slide across the screen, destroying any vehicles in their path.

Okay, let all that sink in for a moment. I'll wait.

We good? Excellent. So, on the subject of the top-down perspective, that would certainly fit, given that the current assumption is that this will be an Xbox Live Arcade and PlayStation Network download. It also sounds like this game is, true to its subtitle, largely based around some kind of permutation of the classic console games' crash mode. As for the crashing into police cars? Sure! Why not? We all love crashing into cops. And the oversized airplanes, tornadoes, UFOs, and lobster monsters? I mean, hey! We can... I mean, you know, it's probably just... I mean, I love SimCity, and that game totally had... alright, you know what? I give up. I don't know what to do with any of that.

For what it's worth, the game is rated E-10+. Probably because of all the lobster monsters. No child should have to endure such a thing.