Kim Jong-il Funding His War Against the Imperialist Pig-Dogs With MMO Gold Farming

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Avatar image for alex
Posted by alex (3434 posts) -

In a piece of news that really hammers home exactly how absurd international espionage can be, the New York Times reported over the weekend that the North Korean government has found a new way to bolster its never-ending war against the fascist capitalist system (not to mention bolster Kim Jong-il's personal cognac and Blu-ray collections in the process): gold farming.

"Yo, you got Minesweeper on that thing?"

Yes, the current illegal activity of choice for every lazy dirtbag tired of emailing people at random about cheap dick pills and Nigerian princes has now become an officially sanctioned practice by the Great Leader and whoever happened to be in the room at the time to nod approvingly at his divine suggestion.

According to the NYT piece, the South Korean government has specifically accused the North of setting up hacked computers to mine gold in both Lineage and Dungeon Fighter, two MMOs that are still quite popular in South Korea. Evidently, Seoul police recently arrested a group of five (four South Koreans, and a Chinese resident) who are tied to a group of hackers based in Northern China. These hackers set up the accounts and computers to mine the gold, then sell it over the web. Over the course of two years, the group amassed profits of roughly $6 million, 55% of which was distributed among the group itself. A portion of that 55% was forwarded to agents in North Korea, on order from the government.

The most screenplay-ready part of this story is the detail that explains where these hackers came from. Evidently, nearly all are graduates from North Korea's most prestigious science universities, which apparently are at least capable of teaching nuclear science, computer hacking, and probably air conditioning repair also, thus making them the world's most dangerous equivalent of a DeVry Institute. Anyway, all the hackers report back to a "shadowy" section of the North Korean government called "Office 39." This is the same section of the government believed to be dealing in illegal weapons and narcotics trafficking for the sake of amassing more funds for Kim Jong-il's assorted nefarious schemes. So now we can add gold farming to the category of things used to fund nuclear terrorism. Awesome.

Unsurprisingly, the North Korean government rebutted the claims, and blamed the accusations on an invented South Korean conspiracy, which of course sounds totally reasonable.

By the way, that image comes from the Tumblr blog "Kim Jong-il Looking At Things" which is just about the best thing ever.

Staff
Avatar image for alex
#1 Posted by alex (3434 posts) -

In a piece of news that really hammers home exactly how absurd international espionage can be, the New York Times reported over the weekend that the North Korean government has found a new way to bolster its never-ending war against the fascist capitalist system (not to mention bolster Kim Jong-il's personal cognac and Blu-ray collections in the process): gold farming.

"Yo, you got Minesweeper on that thing?"

Yes, the current illegal activity of choice for every lazy dirtbag tired of emailing people at random about cheap dick pills and Nigerian princes has now become an officially sanctioned practice by the Great Leader and whoever happened to be in the room at the time to nod approvingly at his divine suggestion.

According to the NYT piece, the South Korean government has specifically accused the North of setting up hacked computers to mine gold in both Lineage and Dungeon Fighter, two MMOs that are still quite popular in South Korea. Evidently, Seoul police recently arrested a group of five (four South Koreans, and a Chinese resident) who are tied to a group of hackers based in Northern China. These hackers set up the accounts and computers to mine the gold, then sell it over the web. Over the course of two years, the group amassed profits of roughly $6 million, 55% of which was distributed among the group itself. A portion of that 55% was forwarded to agents in North Korea, on order from the government.

The most screenplay-ready part of this story is the detail that explains where these hackers came from. Evidently, nearly all are graduates from North Korea's most prestigious science universities, which apparently are at least capable of teaching nuclear science, computer hacking, and probably air conditioning repair also, thus making them the world's most dangerous equivalent of a DeVry Institute. Anyway, all the hackers report back to a "shadowy" section of the North Korean government called "Office 39." This is the same section of the government believed to be dealing in illegal weapons and narcotics trafficking for the sake of amassing more funds for Kim Jong-il's assorted nefarious schemes. So now we can add gold farming to the category of things used to fund nuclear terrorism. Awesome.

Unsurprisingly, the North Korean government rebutted the claims, and blamed the accusations on an invented South Korean conspiracy, which of course sounds totally reasonable.

By the way, that image comes from the Tumblr blog "Kim Jong-il Looking At Things" which is just about the best thing ever.

Staff
Avatar image for wuddel
#2 Posted by Wuddel (2411 posts) -

Pig-Dogs?

Avatar image for clonedzero
#3 Posted by Clonedzero (4206 posts) -

so now gold farming really IS evil

Avatar image for zombie2011
#4 Posted by zombie2011 (5473 posts) -

I've never heard of those MMO's i thought it would be WOW.

Avatar image for nautilus1515
#5 Posted by Nautilus1515 (54 posts) -

yeah

Avatar image for majkiboy
#6 Posted by Majkiboy (1055 posts) -

Soo rooonrey

Avatar image for ns1126
#7 Edited by NS1126 (20 posts) -

Scary... not. I think right now we have bigger things to worry about than what North Korean farmers do in some unknown MMOs.
Avatar image for joey_ravn
#8 Posted by JoeyRavn (5207 posts) -

Who else but Alex? :D

Avatar image for dexterkid
#9 Posted by DexterKid (677 posts) -

Foreigners are funny.

Avatar image for bigheart711
#10 Posted by Bigheart711 (1272 posts) -

Knew it was evil all along....

Avatar image for rayeth
#11 Posted by Rayeth (1163 posts) -

How long until playing WoW is considered an act of terrorism? Hopefully not much longer.

Avatar image for jozzy
#12 Posted by jozzy (2053 posts) -

Only 6 million in 2 years? Don't drop the illegal weapons and narcotics trade just yet...

Avatar image for shadow_drone
#13 Posted by Shadow_Drone (30 posts) -

Alex, you shouldn't be posting articles from The Onion......
 
 
 
 
OH SHIT THIS IS ACTUALLY REAL??

Avatar image for tebbit
#14 Posted by Tebbit (4589 posts) -

That picture is straight outta some 70's Bold film. Or at the very least, Thunderbirds.

Avatar image for machofantastico
#15 Posted by MachoFantastico (6196 posts) -

Team America 2: Gold Farmer of Evil.

Trey and Matt, you finally have your sequel.

Avatar image for video_game_king
#16 Posted by Video_Game_King (36564 posts) -

The more I look at him, the more he looks like my grandma.

Avatar image for irvandus
#17 Posted by Irvandus (3170 posts) -

Wow, I don't even...

Avatar image for august
#18 Posted by august (4021 posts) -

Alex headline.

Avatar image for grissefar
#19 Posted by Grissefar (2904 posts) -

C'mon Alex, you should really get someone else to write your titles, preferably Patrick.

Avatar image for landhawk
#20 Posted by LandHawk (185 posts) -

Maybe people will take buying gold a little more seriously now, knowing that the funds could be going to fund a brutal dictatorship. To remind them of this fact I propose we make posters to place around internet cafes.  "With gold you buy, people die!" underneath a looming shadowy north-korean with a laptop.
 
...Will this just get confused with a Homefront sequel?

Avatar image for dougquaid
#21 Posted by DougQuaid (1273 posts) -

Office 39? DUDE WHAT?!

Avatar image for tennmuerti
#22 Posted by Tennmuerti (9072 posts) -

Delicious.

Avatar image for mistermouse
#23 Posted by MisterMouse (3601 posts) -

That is really crazy.... like really crazy.

Avatar image for makoto_mizuhara_sakamoto
#24 Posted by Makoto_Mizuhara_Sakamoto (598 posts) -
@LandHawk: No... though I wish it were.
Avatar image for ilovebees
#25 Posted by ilovebees (75 posts) -

I guess in the North Korean army ranks it goes private, sergeant, Gold Farmer

Avatar image for euandewar
#26 Posted by EuanDewar (5160 posts) -

Avatar image for blacklab
#27 Posted by blacklab (1954 posts) -

teh fuk?

Avatar image for warofart
#28 Posted by artofwar420 (6904 posts) -

Avatar image for crusader8463
#29 Posted by crusader8463 (14759 posts) -

Video Games will destroy the world!

Avatar image for 2headedninja
#30 Posted by 2HeadedNinja (2224 posts) -

This is so hilarious that a new word should be invented to celebrate this.

Avatar image for punpun
#31 Posted by punpun (230 posts) -
I so hope this is true.
Avatar image for zanshin
#32 Edited by zanshin (215 posts) -

So Kim Jong Il is the one keeping blu-ray in business.  So the patriotic thing to do would be to stop buying blu-rays.

Avatar image for kollay
#33 Posted by kollay (2079 posts) -

Seumdwa!

Avatar image for zameer
#34 Edited by zameer (636 posts) -

Easily Alex's best piece here

Avatar image for dingofighter
#35 Edited by Dingofighter (1873 posts) -

I love "Kim Jong-il Looking At Things"!

Best damn website ever made, yes, better than Giant Bomb. Just look at this:

No Caption Provided

Amazing! A real world leader in action right there.

Avatar image for osiris
#36 Posted by Osiris (631 posts) -

Lineage, god... people still play that game?

Avatar image for parademise
#37 Posted by GunnBjorn (2905 posts) -
@crusader8463 said:
Video Games will destroy the world!

Do you have any idea how eerily close to the truth you are with that comment...?
Avatar image for vexxan
#38 Posted by Vexxan (4631 posts) -

Video games funding North Korea's crazy ideas? I say ban 'em!

Avatar image for lockwoodx
#39 Edited by lockwoodx (2532 posts) -

Yes, the current illegal activity of choice for every lazy dirtbag tired of emailing people at random about cheap dick pills and Nigerian princes has now become an officially sanctioned practice by the Great Leader and whoever happened to be in the room at the time to nod approvingly at his divine suggestion.
 

This is the best thing I've ever read on this site. Kudos to Alex
 
edit: damn this site is getting buggy with firefox. Have to switch between new and old editors constantly.

Avatar image for sjupp
#40 Posted by Sjupp (1948 posts) -

@Wuddel said:

Pig-Dogs?

Yeah, pugs.

Avatar image for bacongames
#41 Posted by bacongames (3978 posts) -

Nothing about this story is not amazing. I am that much happier because of this story, thanks Alex!

Avatar image for pslayer666
#42 Posted by pslayer666 (30 posts) -

that's some crazy shit right there man. wtf? o_O 
 
Dr Evil and all...

Avatar image for gunharp
#43 Edited by Gunharp (354 posts) -

Screenplay-ready? I think its perfect for a video game sequel to:

Ninja Style
Ninja Style
Avatar image for abendlaender
#44 Posted by Abendlaender (3054 posts) -

What? What's happening? Seriously, what's going on?

Avatar image for von
#45 Posted by Von (330 posts) -

That first image is hilarious. I can hear the supervisor of that place telling those dudes in the back "Here's your chair and there's your wall-section! Now stare, dammit, stare on it for our glorious leader!".

Avatar image for beforet
#46 Posted by beforet (3335 posts) -

Can I play MMOs for his gloriousness?

Avatar image for bollard
#47 Posted by Bollard (7426 posts) -
Avatar image for kyreo
#48 Posted by Kyreo (4682 posts) -

I haven't heard someone say Pig Dogs since.... well, since this!

Loading Video...
Avatar image for memphisslim
#49 Posted by MemphisSlim (73 posts) -

Yikes. I wonder if his cronies will be getting in on the Diablo III auction house... 
 
Nah, it'd probably be too much work to find good items people would want to buy.

Avatar image for bravefart
#50 Posted by BraveFart (312 posts) -
@MaFoLu said:

I love "Kim Jong-il Looking At Things"!

Best damn website ever made, yes, better than Giant Bomb. Just look at this:

No Caption Provided

Amazing! A real world leader in action right there.

A hungry Kim Jong-il appeared !

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