The laptop I have now is one I've been using for over 10 years. It gets so hot I have to keep it propped at an angle on my desk, my battery works for 10 minutes, and my mouse pad, space bar, CD ROM, SD card reader and USB are all fucked. I'm thinking it's pretty much time to upgrade. Since it's been so long since I got a new one I'm not really sure what a good deal/good PC really is these days. 
 
I'm only looking to spend around $500-$600 but I'm pretty sure I can't find a good gaming laptop for that price so I'm just going to focus on everything else and not worry about PC gaming. The things that matter most to me are built in wireless and a DVD burner. Also something that doesn't blister my thighs when holding it haha.
 
I have a good desktop already so don't suggest I build a custom one, I'm just looking for a laptop only. If you guys could be so kind and recommend me something that would be great. Hell, if you guys use a reliable laptop suggest it. I'm willing to get anything at this point. 
 
If you can't tell I'm a PC noob.

 Asus K50IJ-RX05

I bought this laptop recently and it's been pretty nice:
 
http://www.amazon.com/Acer-Aspire-Timeline-AS4810TZ-4696-14-Inch/dp/B002D47TPU 
 
It's definitely not a gaming laptop, as it has no dedicated video card and a slow-ish processor (fine for running common applications--not heavy multitasking).  On the up side, it's relatively thin and lightweight, and it has excellent battery life, making it very portable.  (And, yes, it has built-in WiFi, a DVD burner, and good heat dissipation.)