I've totally hit a block.
 
Being unemployed is one thing. Right now, I'm willingly unemployed because I'm trying to figure out exactly where to go in life. I'm trying my best to avoid picking up another shit job that I don't like just to make enough money to scrape by. The problem is that my wholly messed up teenage years left me without an actual goal in life, and now that I'm seeking one, I'm finding it impossible to figure out something that I have an inherent passion for and that I can realistically accomplish.
 
I started with the concept that I've got a lofty vision for what the internet could accomplish. The internet is one of the most powerful tools of our generation. It can connect people all over the world. Anything you want to learn is almost literally a search away. It gives a voice to the smallest of people. It allows artists to express themselves. It was specifically the idea of Google's Wave, and the power of HTML 5, that drummed up my interest almost immediately. The thought of a more real-time, collaborative internet.
 
I knew from the onset that harnessing those powers, and getting up to the level of your average Google coder, would take time and a lot of effort, so my first goal was to get my feet wet in the realm of web design. Through various sources, mainly W3schools' plethora of tutorials and reference libraries, I did a little self-teaching on the subjects of XHTML and CSS. Learning the basics couldn't have been simpler, and I can easily put together rudimentary web pages. It would probably take a lot of practice and tutoring for me to actually get down to creating designs on the level of your typical Web Design professional, but I was still happy to know I had completed the first step towards my goal.
 
Then came Javascript. One of the most basic of scripting languages, and the foundation of doing anything useful on the internet. Going through some early tutorials, it was simple enough for me to feel I confidently understood what the heck was going on. I felt I had a grasp on things, which was starting to give me confidence that learning something more complex, an actual programming language, might be possible.
  
It was a short lived confidence. There was a point where I just hit a wall. For awhile, even though things were getting more and more complicated, I was able to keep up. I could dissect what a script was trying to accomplish, and understand how it achieved that goal. I had no clue how I was going to remember the complex and sometimes frustratingly stupid syntax for each little thing, but I would worry about that later. Except, as I kept pushing forward, I got more and more lost. They were referencing calls I'd never even heard of, and throwing out examples where I understood the concept, but had no clue as to a practical application for it. And then I got woefully lost in the concepts of cookie creation and usage and form validation. I had no idea what was going on, and I decided to give it a break.
 
Now, I'm sitting here kind of doubting that coding is for me. I could probably drill it into my head with time and teaching, but were I to head back to college on the idea of becoming a web programmer, I fear I'd just get lost again, and then I'd have a lot more on the line than just my own free time. On top of that, if I'm more frustrated than happy with it now, who's to say I'd be happy with it later? 
 
I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a programmer, and I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a designer. Despite an artist background, I've got very little creativity left in me, these days. I haven't picked up a sketchpad in years. I can't doodle, let alone draw. Every time I try to think about making the perfect website layout, my mind becomes blank and I just fiddle around with stuff aimlessly.  At this point, I willingly renounce my artist status.
 
So where does that leave me? What passion do I have left in me? A passion for Video Games. A passion for technology. A passion for writing. But none of those have ever gotten me anywhere, either.
 
Alright, these last few paragraphs have been less and less complete thoughts, as I'm getting tired. I just needed to blow off a little steam, even if it's only me talking to myself. My confidence is shot, my life aimless.