I am okay.

I am not going to make this very long because it isn't something that needs to be. I am not trying to make it a big deal. But I would like to first say that I feel a lot of shame. Some shame for involving other people in it, but a lot of shame and a lot of guilt for even considering what I was doing. It isn't the first time I've tried, but it is the first time I've felt so stupid about it. I apologize for presenting myself as an attention whore. It is not what I wanted, I wasn't thinking straight. I just wanted somebody in the world to hear what I thought were going to be my final, rambling thoughts.

But, I just want to say thank you. You, the person reading this, individually, for making this website one of the best I've ever been a part of, and Giantbomb, as a concept, and as the website. The girl I mentioned before is in California right now visiting her sick father and she saw my post almost the minute it went up. She got all of my housemates together who then stopped me mid act, got my friends to drive up to see me, some several states away, to remind me that the world is much larger than the room that I nearly did something incredibly selfish in, and all I had to do was reach out for help, not regress inward and let those dark feelings overwhelm me. I don't feel happy, and I don't think I will for a while, but it's a positive thing that I'm even still feeling.

So, in a way, Giantbomb saved me. Without a place like this, I would not have told a single soul.

To anybody reading this who might be feeling the same way I did, present or future: Don't be an idiot. They say vodka mixes with anything, but thirty-four prescription strength painkillers was not what they had in mind when they said it. Try orange juice. And just talk to somebody. Even if it's to tell them you're about to do it. Just having somebody else know what you're doing might mean the difference between making a memory and being all out of quarters.

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Edited by BeachThunder

\o/

Posted by dungbootle

Very glad to hear it.

Posted by probablytuna

We'll be here to listen, even if we are all anonymous strangers on the Internet.

Posted by SirOptimusPrime

I reactively did a big 'ole fist bump. Super glad to hear it.

@probablytuna said:

We'll be here to listen, even if we are all anonymous strangers on the Internet.

Seriously.

Posted by Hunter5024

This has been in the back of my mind all day. Thank you for letting us know you're alright.

Posted by Village_Guy

Yay. Good to hear, I got worried when I saw the other post.

Just remember, we are always here to listen and help if we can.

Posted by ArtelinaRose

When I woke up this afternoon and found I had seventy(!!?!) private messages and a couple personal emails I started crying. It seems so matter of course when they come in one at a time, but to see so many in one place and people trying to contact me directly outside of the website, people that I deeply respect and look up to... I was just overwhelmed. I am sorry for causing trouble.

Edited by LiquidPrince

Seriously relieved to hear it. I don't know you personally, but I don't need to. I know you through Giant Bomb. And while that doesn't help me in getting to know your real life problems, we're still part of a fairly close knit community, and a lot of people would be saddened to see you gone. Also, now you get to find out if Joakim is freaking CG or not!

Posted by Milkman

I saw your post last night, read it and all the comments but I didn't respond because I don't know, I just didn't know what to say and didn't know if me saying something would mean anything. And I feel pretty bad about that. So, let me just say it now. Hey, I'm glad you're not dead, duder.

Edited by Raven10

I didn't get a chance to respond to your post yesterday before it was locked, but I just want to say that I'm glad you are all right. Being transgender can be incredibly difficult but there are a ton of great support groups out there that can help you get through those issues. Whatever happens remember that life can and will get better and that giving up should never be an option. It's good to hear that you are alive and well and I am thankful that you managed to get help. Keep strong and try to see a therapist to help deal with your issues. I wish you the best of luck.

Edited by Subjugation

@artemesia: But seriously, what I wrote in that thread was heartfelt. I suggest you go through all of those PMs if you haven't already, maybe even save them for future reading if you ever find yourself in the same state of mind in the future. Some of us are decent human beings when it counts and I believe that thread helped highlight the goodness within people.

Posted by RollingZeppelin

@artemesia: I breathed a sigh of relief and happiness when I saw this post in the forums. :)

Let Mr. Rogers, (whose birthday is today!), remind you that there are good people in this world that will warm your heart:

Here's another antidote for your sadness, just a man being a silly motherfucker, not giving a fuck (wait about one minute in for ultimate hilariousness):

Posted by BisonHero

Glad to hear you're alright, bud. Remember, there are always people out there willing to listen and understand.

Edited by Winternet

YES! Oh, so good to wake up to this. I sincerely hope things get better and that someday you'll look back to this with a smile on your face.

Also, now you get to find out if Joakim is freaking CG or not!

See, there's always things to look up for in the horizon. Also, TeamCG GO!!!!

Edited by TruthTellah

Quite glad you made the wise choice. Too many people I have known have thrown their lives away. There's always more to live for.

As you rebuild, please do take care and don't let it come to the point of posting online again; it shouldn't ever get that far before you speak to someone. Be vigilant and you may just find your pain today will be invaluable in caring for others who will hurt in your life.

Edited by Red12b

thank fuck this had a good ending cause damn, shit looked dark for a moment,

That thread ended in the best possible way as well,

Chin up dude,

Edited by Animasta

yaaaaaay!

don't let anyone accuse you of being an attention whore for publically posting this, because sometimes you just gotta let this shit out you know?

Edited by Monkeyman04

I don't know what happened, but I'm glad that you got through it.

Edited by RedCream

Yeah baby! Get psyched! Fill your life with positive energy! Remember: When your life sucks from the beginning there's nowhere to go but up.

Posted by Ghostiet

I don't remember exhaling this much air out of relief in a long time. I don't know you, not even barely, but boy does it feel good to know that you're alive.

@artemesia: Thank you for your decision to hang around yet. Like I wrote under that previous blog, it really gives a person some resolve when you see someone pull through out of something tough. You'll manage just fine - good luck.

Also, you're not an attention whore. Your need for attention was justified. Don't let anyone tell you different.

Posted by Dolphin_Butter

I'm happy to read this. Stay strong.

Posted by MedalOfMode

Glad to hear, but there is always one person will listen to you. This is not problem, there are a lot of Bigger problems. Try to make Earth Better.

Posted by Dave_442

So glad you are OK!!

Just talking to someone can help an awful lot when you are in a bad place.

Keep strong!

Edited by Demoskinos

I'm glad. Now stay strong and also get some help for dealing with those emotions in the future. You can do it.

Online
Edited by Humanity

Not to be the one big downer, but in the future it would benefit you to call a support line and get some professional help rather than posting threads on a videogame forum. While the immediate support might be nice in the short run, it won't solve any of your problems that will persist after everyone has posted their messages and they kind of move on with their day to day lives while you're still stuck in whatever situation that has driven you to these thoughts in the first place.

Posted by AlexanderSheen

@artemesia: I'm actually smiling reading through your post. About the feeling shame part: There's no shame in falling down, true shame is to not stand up again. And now that the Friends Activity Feed and the Wall is back, the community feeling is reversed to its previous state and now I can finally see all of your comments. It's good to have you here, seriously.

Also, Joakim is not CG.

Posted by Tonylope

@milkman said:

I saw your post last night, read it and all the comments but I didn't respond because I don't know, I just didn't know what to say and didn't know if me saying something would mean anything. And I feel pretty bad about that. So, let me just say it now. Hey, I'm glad you're not dead, duder.

This pretty much explains me as well. I'm so happy to hear that you didn't go through with it. I'm sure your future will soon become brighter, especially with all those people that obviously care so much about you.

Posted by Cloudenvy

Edited by TruthTellah

@humanity said:

Not to be the one big downer, but in the future it would benefit you to call a support line and get some professional help rather than posting threads on a videogame forum. While the immediate support might be nice in the short run, it won't solve any of your problems that will persist after everyone has posted their messages and they kind of move on with their day to day lives while you're still stuck in whatever situation that has driven you to these thoughts in the first place.

I understood the implication here to be that @artemesia's getting real help now, and she encourages others to do that before it has to ever come to posting such a message online. If there is a suggestion here that professional guidance and close family and friend support isn't needed, I'm with you, but I think that's part of the message being conveyed here. At least, I sure hope it is, as that is indeed the correct one. If it comes to the point of posting on an Internet forum about possibly doing something like this, someone should absolutely reach out and avail themselves of the many resources available to them.

The best thing to do is accept that you need help and seek out real, substantial assistance, and I sincerely hope that this message is an indication that she is indeed doing that. None of us can face something like this on our own.

Edited by mrfluke

We'll be here to listen, even if we are all anonymous strangers on the Internet.

I'm glad. Now stay strong and also get some help for dealing with those emotions in the future. You can do it.

these, glad you didn't go through with it, this was honestly in the back of my mind as well yesterday.

Posted by Sanity

Glad to hear it, hope this is a turning point for yea and you can get over this.

Edited by NegativeCero

You just started my morning off extremely well by posting. I never got to post on your blog yesterday but I am glad you got the support from your loved ones and from the community to have made a difference. Hopefully you see that there are people whose lives you have touched and wouldn't be the same had you gone through with it.

Posted by Quarters

I didn't get a chance to post in the other topic before it was locked, but I am immensely relieved to hear this. I hope that today will mark the beginning of a new phase of your life.

Posted by believer258

I hope you do well, duder.

Posted by Zaccheus

I'm glad to hear this. Your suicide blog as it were touched me very much and I'm happy to know that you decided to stay with us.

Edited by Brodehouse

Success kid!

Posted by Snail

I just woke up and opened up the computer. The forums front-page was from last night, and as I refreshed the forums front-page and waited to see the latest threads I was worrying what had become of you.

And then I read the title, and was very happy for you. Then I read the post itself and felt even happier. I'm glad you've chosen to live out your life, and that there are people who care about you in your life, and I wish all the best to you.

Oh and for the record, I don't think you were being an attention whore. That is definitely not how it came across.

Posted by mrfluke

did a little bit of searching on youtube myself after seeing .@rollingzeppelin: post,

Posted by ArtisanBreads

Happy for you.

Things will not be easy again, just keep the right attitude and try to make progress on the things that bother you and make you feel this way. You are certainly not alone with this type of problem.

Edited by 8Bit_Archer

Happy bro, still I would look into talking to a therapist WHEN YOU ARE READY. Feelings like those don't just go away. If there is anything we as a community can do, let us know. Believe it or not duders care :D

Posted by RPGee

@artemesia I'm glad that you know there are people out there who support you and love you. And of course, the Giant Bomb community will always be there to support you.

You may not feel happy right now, and I'm sure a lot of people (including me) can understand what that feels like, but you've taken your first step and it'll take you up and up. Eventually, it'll all turn around, since life finds a way. Feel beautiful, feel happy, feel loved. Know that you'll never truly be alone, because you've already proven that you aren't/

Posted by coakroach

Keep on keeping on duder.

Edited by ThePaleKing
click the pic, solve the gif

Posted by UlquioKani

Thank fucking God. I never gave up hope. So glad you responded.

Posted by KarlPilkington

Very happy to hear it!

Posted by supamon

Just remember, this too shall pass. Everyone reaches low points at some part of their life. It will get better eventually.

Posted by cmblasko

Really happy to hear that you're OK. I know I'm just some random internet guy, but if you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to message me. I'm not a therapist or anything but I will be happy to help however I can.

Edited by Canteu

And don't do it again you little scamp!

Edited by Dagbiker

@artemesia: You should never feel shame for asking for help as cheese as that my sound, I remember when I felt suicidal I would often just want to get through the night just to talk to people to share how I was feeling, or more often hope that they would notice.

Posted by The_Hiro_Abides

I'm glad.

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