The state of my life and why I've decided to end it.

this will probably get deleted how depressing is that

Hello Giantbomb. No, you did not misinterpret that. I am going to kill myself. As soon as I'm done writing this, actually! Maybe. If not, tomorrow evening. Depends on if I get too sleepy by the time I finish this. If I were the type of person who had the drive to do anything properly I would probably not be in this spot. So hopefully by the time these words are absorbed and analyzed by your brain area I will not be a thing anymore. Assuming this all goes well, anyway. If it does not I will probably be back here in a few weeks telling you about my liver damage.

I spent a long time writing out a very long, very mopey, pity party post but I got rid of it. Some of you are rereading this(maybe?) going "i thought you said it wasnt a pity party this time" and oops i goofed. I don't know why I got rid of it. I don't expect sympathy. But I do know that I would like to tell you a few things because I want somebody out there to hear them. Why you, anonymous internet person that goes to the website triple-double-yoo-dot-giantbomb-dot-com?

Because you've been there for me. I found Giantbomb three years ago when I was at one of my lowest points. I was stuck in California with a girl I'd met online and was visiting. I say I was stuck because I went down there for a small convention, and when it was time to come back home to sunny Seattle, Washington, my father would not let me. He told me there was no room for me at the house I had left two weeks before and I was on my own. This led to me being unable to finish high school which is probably a large reason why I am where I am. Thanks dad. He never told me why, but I think it was because I had implied something to him before leaving, and he was worried it was true. It was true, and I've since told him, and we're good friends. But that isn't the point, because we weren't when it happened. I guess we both had a lot of growing up to do. But anyway, you've been there for me, Giantbomb. You've made me smile when I thought I couldn't anymore, given me hours and hours and hours of entertainment, and while you peoples on the forums tend to call me stupid for my opinions like everybody else does, I at least don't feel that you mean it in a harmful way.

So I'll tell it to you straight out instead of tiptoeing around it like I did with el padre. You deserve that much.

I am transgendered. I feel terrible about not telling you sooner, giantbomb dot com, but it isn't the sort of thing that just comes out naturally. It's something I try not to make a big deal out of because it is nothing more than who I am as a human being, but it isn't really something you can bring up casually, it has to be the center of a conversation. You can't just drop it like "I really liked the part in Halo 4 where Cortana had boobs because hey by the way..." It's very scary. I've had to stare into internet eyes and real people eyes both and say it, and neither is easy. I start shaking and my mind goes in so many figure eights expecting them to judge me or tell me we aren't friends anymore or that I'm some sort of freak. I lost a couple friends the other day because I finally decided to tell them. People I'd known for four or five years. If I can't be sure of how people I think I know extremely well are going to react, how can I try to tell strangers? But it's out there now and I am not going to take it back, for better or for worse. It's one of the reasons I am going to do this. I didn't mean to masquerade around as a proper, natural lady. Some of you probably feel lied to. I am very sorry. It was not my intent.

Anyway, meat of the issue. Or something. I feel completely stuck in life. No, stuck is a bad word for it. I feel I've hit the height of my potential. I am not going to make more money than I do now. I make about $1000 USD a month at the comic book/tabletop gaming store I work at. It isn't bad, but the lady I mentioned above lives with me now after I got her out of her abusive parent's house. I have been paying for her rent and entertainment for the past two years and now I simply cannot afford to take care of two people on that budget. Things have become too expensive, and I have the above thing to save up for and I just can't do it. If I set aside every single penny I had free after paying my rent and my bills it would take me nineteen years to save up for all the medicine and surgeries and other bullshit I'd need to make my dream a reality. I cannot even afford to maintain a car. Not that I have one. Not that I can drive.

I've tried applying to many jobs but every single one has turned me away. Some have even called me to go PFFF WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER HAHAHA and that just makes the whole thing even harder. I know it is because of my lack of education, and I have tried so hard to study to rectify this, but the unfortunate truth is that I am not very smart and I have a learning disability that makes it very difficult for me to absorb information quickly or efficiently. Sometimes at all. I do not believe I can advance my education, and with that, I cannot advance my ability to make money. I've tried. Several times. I've failed. I was simply not born smart and there's nothing I can do to fight that.

The place I live in looks like a truly horrific episode of Cops. I live with seven other people and not a single one of them is willing to do anything about the state of the house even though they are to blame for it. I work very hard to keep it looking as best I can. I do dishes every day, I've cleaned the bathroom several times this month alone, I sweep, I mop, whatever. But every day, more dishes, more dog shit on the floor because nobody is willing to take care of their animals, more mould growing in the shower because nobody turns the fan on when they are done showering, more empty Little Caesars boxes and beer bottles lying around every corner of every room that isn't mine, more macaroni and cheese that wasn't cleaned up, just sitting in the pot on the stove. I can't keep up with it, and when I ask people to help take care of the house I am met with ridicule that I am not trying hard enough on my own. I'm being taken advantage of and there is nothing I can do about it because this is the only place I can afford.

I have a lot of trouble making friends in real life. I did not have a group of people I could really call "my friends" until I was eighteen years old. I have not made any new ones since then. The ones I have now don't particularly care for me. I can tell they only associate with me because it is convenient for them at times. I let them take advantage of me because without them, I am completely alone aside from my internet acquaintances. Even the regulars at the store I go to only tolerate me. One of them went off on me when I tried to socialize with their group a few weeks ago. Told me that I am weird and a bother and that I have nothing to live for aside from that job. I wish they hadn't been so right.

I don't know. There's so much to say but I am not very good at putting my thoughts into words. I never have been. I guess the best way to summarize it is that there is nowhere for me to go from here. For me, life will never move beyond wake up, play video games, go to work if I have work that day, if not, wait till bed, sleep, repeat. This is the best I can aspire to, that disappoints me and I don't want to stay in this spot anymore.

I had dreamed of being beautiful. I wanted it more than anything. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and not want to crawl out of my fucking skin because I felt like a liar whose fool was the entire world.

I dreamt of being successful. I had an ingrown toenail that had become terribly infected for about five months because I could not afford to get it fixed. I finally got it taken care of in December after being told I may lose the toe if I didn't bite the bullet and shell out the cash to get it done. I had made up my mind then that I wanted to be a doctor so that I could help people, that they would not have to live with injuries like I had. If I could help one person not be terrified of putting on their shoe in the morning, then I had done made a difference, even if it was small.

But I guess I really was just dreaming.

Edited by Hunter5024

This may ring a little hollow, because I don't know you even in the context of this forum, but I really hope you don't do this. I've had two friends who died young, one to a suicide, and they may not have been happy at the time, but they had so much life ahead of them to find happiness, and that was all cut short, leaving a lot of things unsaid and a lot of great memories never made. It's too soon for you to know how your life is gonna turn out, and it would be a tragic waste of life to end everything over the problems you're having right now. If you're still around to read this, I wish you the best.

Posted by RedCricketChase

I hafta say, don't do it. Awhile back, there were several years where I was suicidal. So glad my family kept me in hospitals til I healed. Life is good now :)

Posted by guiseppe

Don't do it. I know this shitty world is cruel and it sucks to be stuck. But it's not worth it. I don't know you, but if you ever need to talk or vent, feel free to PM me. Even if it'll only be another internet acquaintance.

Edited by believer258

Too many people die long before their time. Don't do this, you've got the ability to move and speak. Use them!

Posted by Yummylee

Oh Jesus... I don't even know what to say exactly. But for as bad as things appear, there has to be another way. You need help, some support, and you need to get it. Hopefully your responses to this blog will be a good start, but seeing a doctor and discussing these feelings will surely help as well.

I don't want to trivialise how hard and unfulfilling you feel your life may be, but suicide should never be the answer. Even if it may not appear that way to you, there's surely someone in your life, if at least your family, who cares for you. It's impossible to predict how your life may change down the line as well; but the first step to finding out where it could take you is by overcoming your depression and, with the right help, pulling yourself out of this unfortunate rut.

Given your situation, I'm sure @animasta can relate and offer some support, as can @jasonr86 since he's actually a trained therapist, so I'm sure they'll be more than willing to give you their say. I of course don't know you very well--enough to at least recognise your username/avatar, and that you're a fan of MGS :P--but I still wouldn't want you to take your life away. Also, don't take the current lack of responses as that people don't care or anything. It's no doubt because of the time of day, and because this is a lengthy--and articulately written--blog.

OK, guess it turns out I did sorta know what to say. But trust me, there's going to be plenty more posts that are much longer and will no doubt be a lot more inspirational and uplifting than I could ever muster. In any case I sincerely hope that you'll reconsider your decision.

Edited by Sanity

If your serious i hope you will talk to someone, life sucks at times and we all have our ups and downs, but life is always better then the alternative.

Posted by Krockett

I hope you find help, I truly do... I would beg you to reconsider, and you have probably heard it a thousand times over but Things can always get better! Please seek out a therapist or life counselor first.

Posted by RedCream

Please don't do it!

Posted by Nictel
Don't do it!

Posted by probablytuna

Please don't do this, there has to be another way. :(

Edited by FluxWaveZ

I'm going to continue reading, but I thought we all knew you were transgendered...? At least, I did. Kinda weird to be making a big deal out of it here because of that.

Not sure what to say after reading that. I don't know that "don't do it" is really an effective message. "Life will get better" or "there has to be a better way" has always sounded like sweet nothings to me that people who don't understand the person in question's situation say to prevent them from doing something stupid. I feel the same way about "thinking on the bright side."

I will say, however, that it seems that you're stuck thinking about unfulfilled dreams a lot. That, I can say with 100% certainty, we all have. Unfulfilled dreams, are not, in my opinion, a proper basis for doing something as drastic as taking one's own life. "Dreams", I think, are irrelevant and if they don't happen, then they don't happen. Best to come up with new ones or refocus on potential future happiness than be stuck in the past. I hate the past.

It sounds like you've been trying to do the best with your tough situation as you could, and that's great. Because of that, I don't know how much emphasis anyone could place on trying to get out of it or finding alternatives.

Because you've made this decision, there's really no urgency for when you have to do it, right? So, before you kill yourself, I suggest you use common resources such as suicide hotlines, internet forums (like this!), therapists and such to maybe give you a different perspective before you do something that can't be fixed. The best decisions are always those that can be changed.

Posted by paulwade1984

This thread needs to be locked. It's a minefield for somebody to say something stupid.

Dear op. You are in the wrong place.

877 870 4673 < Samaritans

Call Samaritans. They are trained to deal with this kind of thing. People in these forums are not (unless they are psychologists/doctors). You could start a new cycle of mental destruction if somebody on here feels they may have been the last straw in your decision to end your life.

Edited by cmblasko

If you're still around, and if this is legitimate, please reconsider what you are planning. I'm not going to pretend to know the emotional intricacies of what you are going through or that I have any foolproof solutions to your problems, but life has too much to offer to just throw it away.

Edited by notdavid

God damn... If you're still around, could you please not do it? It would really bum me out. I don't have a lot of advice to offer, but coming out of the closet is always super shitty for a few days. That's something they don't cover on Ellen. Just give it some time. Trust me.

Edited by FluxWaveZ

@paulwade1984 said:

This thread needs to be locked. It's a minefield for somebody to say something stupid.

Dear op. You are in the wrong place.

877 870 4673 < Samaritans

Call Samaritans. They are trained to deal with this kind of thing. People in these forums are not (unless they are psychologists/doctors). You could start a new cycle of mental destruction if somebody on here feels they may have been the last straw in your decision to end your life.

That's true, but she obviously posted this here because she has a sense of kinship with those of this forum and wants to hear our thoughts on what she's going through. That may be comforting for her to hear. I know when I'm feeling desperate, the comfort of this forum can help a lot.

Posted by Slab64

when Gotham Giant Bomb is ashes, you have my permission to die

Posted by LiquidPrince

The way that you write indicates that you are smarter and more intelligent then you give yourself credit. Don't end your life because you feel like your in a rut. There is really no where to go but up for you. And you said that you have a friend who you take care of. If you can't think of any reason to stay alive for your sake, then at least stay alive for her. After some time passes, you'll surely be happy that you stuck around. Don't do this.

Edited by ShaggE

I can't say I know the pain of gender identity issues, but having had the gun to my head (both literally and figuratively) multiple times in the past, I know the pain of rock-bottom depression. I also know that it passes every single time. Do not let the people who judge you for your condition win. You have just as much right to live your life as anybody else, and every day you make it through is a victory against them.

"If I could help one person not be terrified of putting on their shoe in the morning, then I had done made a difference, even if it was small." CHASE THAT. Change a life. You can't change anything if you're dead. Before you do anything, go out and make somebody smile. Capture that feeling and hold on to it. Then go out and do it again, and again. Do it to people who would otherwise judge you. Do it to people who won't judge you. See that the only thing you'd accomplish by committing suicide is removing a source of happiness for many people.

I have a friend who is a transgendered psychologist. I'm sure she'd be more than happy to hear you out and offer support, and I'd be more than happy to introduce you to her.

Edit: To those skeptical: If the post is fake, then somebody gets a little unwarranted ego boost. No biggie. If it's real, you're mocking somebody for reaching out, and that is beyond fucked up.

Edited by TooWalrus

Read the whole thing. All I heard was "I've got an opportunity for a fresh start but I'm going to throw it away because people think I'm weird."


Posted by Dagbiker

I to have a lot of those same problems not the transgender "problem" (if you think of it as a problem).

But I lack most all social skills, and any social skills I do have is just by faking it, learning by analyzing how people interact. Thats why my posts are always so analytical.

I was also sucidal a while a go ( pre Giantbomb ) but never went through it because It would hurt other people, and other people depended on me.

I have no real advice, because you probably don't want to hear people telling you what to do, but you posted before that you were transgendered and I always enjoyed hearing your opinion on sex, even when they just turned to arguing with people.

I dont know where you live, but you might be able to find Job coaches to help you get a job, or help financially I don't know if they consider being transgendered a disability, but you might be able to get help easer and faster using that.

Posted by N7

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The wise, wise words of Bill Copeland comes to mind. "Try to be like the turtle, at ease in your own shell".

Everyone who has ever hesitated from killing themselves have all said the same thing: THANK GOD. It may seem like the right course of actions right now, because you are looking for a way out, and you'll always find what you're looking for. Focus on the negatives and lose sight on the positives. Sure, life is hard. Life is always going to be hard. Hope can take someone a long way. Sometimes hope is all that people have. Hope is the brightness that shines through the night, taking the pain and making way for the light. So take that boulder off your shoulder, because you're going to be okay, you just don't know it yet.

Or, in the wise words of Metal Gear Solid...

Posted by BSw

It's hard to write proper responses to these kind of things online, but the fact of the matter is that you are making too big a deal of something that you want to be different, but can't change. In life, you will have to work with what you have. Enjoy everything you do have instead of regretting that which you don't. Nobody gets the same kind of chances, and the best you can do is use what you have (and that which you can get over time) and enjoy it to the fullest. I know that that a lot sounds easier than it is, but once you understand it and come to peace with it, you too can have a great life.

I've seen people with major issues before, and the ones that have pulled through do have a great life now. Accept who you are, accept the problems this will bring along, and then focus on all the awesome stuff you can still do.

Also, in your final paragraph you say you want to help people. You do realize that you have been helping this girl to have a way better life, right? You already have made the world a better place, and you didn't have to become a doctor for that. Taking your own life will impact her life in an extremely negative way as well.

As has been suggested above: seek help. Samaritans might be a good idea. They could help you get on your way. Perhaps a person at work is qualified to help you with these issues. Or even the psychologist of your old school. There are many specialists in this area, and not all of them will cost you money.

So as I said above: changing your expectations of life is the first step. Focus on the positive aspects, not on the negative ones.

Good luck, have Batman.

Posted by AlexanderSheen

There's no shame in falling down, true shame is to not stand up again.

I was about to come up with something smart and cool, but this is all I got.

Edited by Dolphin_Butter

I would like to throw my hat in the ring and say you shouldn't do this and, like many others in this thread, I am not equipped to help you with your situation beyond mere words. Your post indicates your intelligence and the fact that you've gone on as long as you have shows how strong you are. I can't say that tomorrow will be the sunniest day, but it has the potential to be so long as you keep on living.

Edited by gogosox82

I hope you don't do this. This blog post is better written than most of the papers I wrote as an undergrad so i know your smarter than you think you are. Your in a rut but don't mistake that for a never ending cycle that will never end. You may need to just talk out your issues with a professional so that you can focus on the positive things instead the negative things.

Edited by ThePaleKing

I only have one friend myself, and there is also mold growing in my shower. I can't help in the job department (though I can say that there are a lot of jobs out there, and at the point where you are suicidal no job is below you, painting houses, exterminating bugs, motel night clerk, they all pay), but I can tell you some things that keep me from killing myself: the best being the idea of all the things I have yet to do, all the books I haven't read, all the films I haven't seen, all the games I haven't played, and then to think of everything that will be created in the future and find a hobby and make it an obsession, especially one that involves creating stuff with your hands, I paint, but there is photography, building gundam models, writing, fishing, gardening, endless amounts of things that you can do to occupy your mind and keep it from wandering into suicidal territory.

Posted by coakroach

Please don't, seek professional help.

I really don't know what else to say, only so much sincerity can be carried by a post on the internet.

But I seriously mean it, please don't hurt yourself.

Posted by Phatmac

Get some professional help please. We all die eventually so don't die too soon. If you do this you'll be harming a lot of people so please don't do it. If nothing else I'll be sad if you do do it. :(

Edited by Snail

Please don't do this.

Just the fact that you took in that girl you mentioned out of her tormented life and gave her shelter means you're a wonderful addition to this world. We need more good-willing, heartwarming people like you.

You're also a great addition to this community. You should stick around and keep sharing and discussing your strange, unique opinions about games (and any other off-topic issues), like we all do, because, as you said, it's fun. You'd be much missed.

Please strick around duder (which, by the way, is a term that applies to any and all genders).

Edited by TheFreeMan

Hey. C'mon. You're stronger than you think. Don't kill yourself. There are resources that can help you, some of which are posted in this thread, and people that are willing to listen to you and talk to you and help you work things out. You're still young and you've got a lot of life ahead of you. I think you owe it, not to anybody else, but to yourself to try and get to a brighter spot, however many little steps that takes.

I also want to say that if anybody judges you or stops being your friend because you're transgendered, they should just punched right in the fucking face. You don't deserve that kind of grief from people for that.

Edited by Brodehouse

Do not kill yourself.

I'm not going to bore with my personal details, even those that match yours, because when it's a personal reaction what matters is the person. Still, do not kill yourself.

Edited by hardindr

Please don't do this, please. Call 911, call a friend or family and tell them that you need help. Once you make this decision, you can never make another one.

Edited by FlipperDesert

I'm imagining that if you took the time to post this you're at least going to read the responses for a little, so please do.

Life isn't nearly as predictable as you think, and friends that drop you like that aren't worth being friends with. It's a big world with a lot of people to meet, places to see and there are people that depend on you (whether you know it or not) such as your housemate. Talk to her, none of these are problems that can't be fixed. Sure, you might not turn out to be a doctor but there's nothing stopping you from getting yourself out there and doing something exciting. Or helping people!

If you're not happy about how your life is going, change something about it. You are unique. There are things about you and your life that can never be replicated again in this universe. There are experiences you've had, good or bad, that can never be seen by someone else. Don't waste them, because none of them were meaningless.

Posted by Brodehouse

If you're reading this, please post again. I think enough people here would prefer you continued posting, regardless of the original post. Just come on back, talk it out here. I want to talk, dozen other people want to talk, come back and talk.

Edited by Winternet

@artemesia: Don't you want to know if Joakim Mogren is CG or not? Don't you want to know if Bioshock Infinite is the most amazing game ever or if it's just a good game? Don't you want to see the new Xbox announcement? Don't you want to see the next E3? And so on and so forth. Step by step, son! In the meantime, you do what you gotta do so you can in fact experience these great moments that bring you joy. And with time who knows, maybe that "in the meantime" also becomes fun and a source of happiness.

Posted by Marcsman

Get help. Your whole post sounded like a cry for help.

Posted by nail1080

I want to say LOCK this thread, but dammit I also want to give some advice. You seem to want to earn more money and be around people who have things in common with you and your sexuality. There's no reason why you can't do this, I'm sure there are groups set up for people with problems like yours. Or set up your own group, you seem to be able to put words with your problems quite well, so I'd suggest you start vlogging. Youtube is a great way to meet like-minded people and to earn money. Start a channel, talk about your problems there, sure you'll get 1000s of haters, but if you get one person you can relate to that should be great, this is the internet afterall.

Another bit of advice I have for you is to learn a new language. You use different parts of your brain if you speak another language, and this can open up a whole new positive way of thinking. I'd recommend Italian or Spanish as very friendly positive languages. Once you start speaking these you'll realise how awkward a language modern day English is. And finally, to keep the MGS theme going in this thread, always remember...

"You musn't allow yourself to be chained to faith, to be ruled by your genes, humans can choose the type of life they want to live...the importent thing is that you choose LIFE, and then...LIVE!"

Edited by TooSweet

I read your post and I must add my voice in saying don't do it. Life is always changing for us as we get older. So stay alive. Seek some help. Things don't happen over night. As for losing friends when you told them about yourself, screw them. A friend told me he was gay and his exact words to me were, "If you don't want to be my friend I'll understand." My heart broke because he must have had so many friends abandon him. But he's my friend and I got his back. You got people on here rooting for you to stay alive. I would consider that a positive thing in your life. It may seem small for you but it's not. Build on that. I want to see more posts in the future from you.

Edited by ienkub

Please don't do it. you seem to be a generous and caring person. we need more people like you.

i found this on reddit/r/SW/ just now. take five minutes to read it before you do anything, okay?

Posted by MariachiMacabre

You saved a persons life. That's got to count for something in your perception of yourself. It can be difficult to see the good qualities of yourself, I know, but you have to know they exist. Don't do this. It effects more than just you. What about the woman you helped? When she finds out you killed yourself, what will she do? She's suddenly lost the only person who helped her. As hard as it is, and it's the hardest thing, your life is not the only one affected by this. Get professional help. Move back in with your parents. It sounds like you have no support system and you need one now more than ever. Please. I've been there and I know what it feels like. As cliché as it sounds, it really does get better. Don't do it.