The state of my life and why I've decided to end it.
By artelinarose 106 Comments
this will probably get deleted how depressing is that
Hello Giantbomb. No, you did not misinterpret that. I am going to kill myself. As soon as I'm done writing this, actually! Maybe. If not, tomorrow evening. Depends on if I get too sleepy by the time I finish this. If I were the type of person who had the drive to do anything properly I would probably not be in this spot. So hopefully by the time these words are absorbed and analyzed by your brain area I will not be a thing anymore. Assuming this all goes well, anyway. If it does not I will probably be back here in a few weeks telling you about my liver damage.
I spent a long time writing out a very long, very mopey, pity party post but I got rid of it. Some of you are rereading this(maybe?) going "i thought you said it wasnt a pity party this time" and oops i goofed. I don't know why I got rid of it. I don't expect sympathy. But I do know that I would like to tell you a few things because I want somebody out there to hear them. Why you, anonymous internet person that goes to the website triple-double-yoo-dot-giantbomb-dot-com?
Because you've been there for me. I found Giantbomb three years ago when I was at one of my lowest points. I was stuck in California with a girl I'd met online and was visiting. I say I was stuck because I went down there for a small convention, and when it was time to come back home to sunny Seattle, Washington, my father would not let me. He told me there was no room for me at the house I had left two weeks before and I was on my own. This led to me being unable to finish high school which is probably a large reason why I am where I am. Thanks dad. He never told me why, but I think it was because I had implied something to him before leaving, and he was worried it was true. It was true, and I've since told him, and we're good friends. But that isn't the point, because we weren't when it happened. I guess we both had a lot of growing up to do. But anyway, you've been there for me, Giantbomb. You've made me smile when I thought I couldn't anymore, given me hours and hours and hours of entertainment, and while you peoples on the forums tend to call me stupid for my opinions like everybody else does, I at least don't feel that you mean it in a harmful way.
So I'll tell it to you straight out instead of tiptoeing around it like I did with el padre. You deserve that much.
I am transgendered. I feel terrible about not telling you sooner, giantbomb dot com, but it isn't the sort of thing that just comes out naturally. It's something I try not to make a big deal out of because it is nothing more than who I am as a human being, but it isn't really something you can bring up casually, it has to be the center of a conversation. You can't just drop it like "I really liked the part in Halo 4 where Cortana had boobs because hey by the way..." It's very scary. I've had to stare into internet eyes and real people eyes both and say it, and neither is easy. I start shaking and my mind goes in so many figure eights expecting them to judge me or tell me we aren't friends anymore or that I'm some sort of freak. I lost a couple friends the other day because I finally decided to tell them. People I'd known for four or five years. If I can't be sure of how people I think I know extremely well are going to react, how can I try to tell strangers? But it's out there now and I am not going to take it back, for better or for worse. It's one of the reasons I am going to do this. I didn't mean to masquerade around as a proper, natural lady. Some of you probably feel lied to. I am very sorry. It was not my intent.
Anyway, meat of the issue. Or something. I feel completely stuck in life. No, stuck is a bad word for it. I feel I've hit the height of my potential. I am not going to make more money than I do now. I make about $1000 USD a month at the comic book/tabletop gaming store I work at. It isn't bad, but the lady I mentioned above lives with me now after I got her out of her abusive parent's house. I have been paying for her rent and entertainment for the past two years and now I simply cannot afford to take care of two people on that budget. Things have become too expensive, and I have the above thing to save up for and I just can't do it. If I set aside every single penny I had free after paying my rent and my bills it would take me nineteen years to save up for all the medicine and surgeries and other bullshit I'd need to make my dream a reality. I cannot even afford to maintain a car. Not that I have one. Not that I can drive.
I've tried applying to many jobs but every single one has turned me away. Some have even called me to go PFFF WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER HAHAHA and that just makes the whole thing even harder. I know it is because of my lack of education, and I have tried so hard to study to rectify this, but the unfortunate truth is that I am not very smart and I have a learning disability that makes it very difficult for me to absorb information quickly or efficiently. Sometimes at all. I do not believe I can advance my education, and with that, I cannot advance my ability to make money. I've tried. Several times. I've failed. I was simply not born smart and there's nothing I can do to fight that.
The place I live in looks like a truly horrific episode of Cops. I live with seven other people and not a single one of them is willing to do anything about the state of the house even though they are to blame for it. I work very hard to keep it looking as best I can. I do dishes every day, I've cleaned the bathroom several times this month alone, I sweep, I mop, whatever. But every day, more dishes, more dog shit on the floor because nobody is willing to take care of their animals, more mould growing in the shower because nobody turns the fan on when they are done showering, more empty Little Caesars boxes and beer bottles lying around every corner of every room that isn't mine, more macaroni and cheese that wasn't cleaned up, just sitting in the pot on the stove. I can't keep up with it, and when I ask people to help take care of the house I am met with ridicule that I am not trying hard enough on my own. I'm being taken advantage of and there is nothing I can do about it because this is the only place I can afford.
I have a lot of trouble making friends in real life. I did not have a group of people I could really call "my friends" until I was eighteen years old. I have not made any new ones since then. The ones I have now don't particularly care for me. I can tell they only associate with me because it is convenient for them at times. I let them take advantage of me because without them, I am completely alone aside from my internet acquaintances. Even the regulars at the store I go to only tolerate me. One of them went off on me when I tried to socialize with their group a few weeks ago. Told me that I am weird and a bother and that I have nothing to live for aside from that job. I wish they hadn't been so right.
I don't know. There's so much to say but I am not very good at putting my thoughts into words. I never have been. I guess the best way to summarize it is that there is nowhere for me to go from here. For me, life will never move beyond wake up, play video games, go to work if I have work that day, if not, wait till bed, sleep, repeat. This is the best I can aspire to, that disappoints me and I don't want to stay in this spot anymore.
I had dreamed of being beautiful. I wanted it more than anything. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and not want to crawl out of my fucking skin because I felt like a liar whose fool was the entire world.
I dreamt of being successful. I had an ingrown toenail that had become terribly infected for about five months because I could not afford to get it fixed. I finally got it taken care of in December after being told I may lose the toe if I didn't bite the bullet and shell out the cash to get it done. I had made up my mind then that I wanted to be a doctor so that I could help people, that they would not have to live with injuries like I had. If I could help one person not be terrified of putting on their shoe in the morning, then I had done made a difference, even if it was small.
But I guess I really was just dreaming.
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