A lot of advice on the internet centers around how to achieve your goals, it's all about how to get from point A to point B, and at point B you'll be happy forever after. But what about if while on your way to point B you end up in point C and there's nothing, short of going back in time, to get back to point B? At the face of such a drastic change many of us freeze and panic. Everything we worked for went sideways and now we're stuck in the middle of a lake with no paddle, nor boat, 'cause we didn't fucking plan to be in a lake. But we are in this lake and the best thing to do is assess what you do have. Sure, take a bit of time to wallow in despair, but don't stay too long in this state of mind because night will come soon and you'll get hypothermia.
Now that you got your sobbing done, take a look at your assets. What have you got so far, what skills do you posses? Oh, what's that? You have a wet granola bar, sweet! You're still reasonably warm, and you can swim. Eat that granola bar and start swimming. You're almost to the shore, but a chill stops you. You're cold, wet, and now you yearn for that granola bar. You remember how happy you were when you two were together, then sadness fills your core again because you know the granola bar is already making its transition to poop never to be eaten again. We start to see a pattern form. Going from small victory to heartbreak over and over until you reach that shore. How we process change affects how self aware we are of our situation because often wallowing in nostalgia takes us away from the present and into the past. Remembering your memaw is sweet, but thinking "man, things used to be so good" is not productive.
A positive way to deal with such changes is to accept that life will be full of them, I may be comfortable now, but comfort may not necessarily be a good thing. Comfort makes us unready for the randomness of life; there are just so many factors we simply can't control. We should reset our scales and try to be content when we find ourselves in uncomfortable and new situations, and even go as far as looking for them. This shifts us from a mindset that the point B we so cherished is nothing but a small blip in the distance we'll travel. It makes less sense to focus then on just a point. We'll start to open our eyes and hearts to appreciating the ups and downs of the journey, and by changing our attitude towards change we'll be less stressed out when it comes and thus make be able to move forward more easily.
P.S. Have you guys heard about kids in the sandbox?
I'm noticing that the older we get the more difficult it becomes to make new friendships. When we're little, a simple "hello, I like your shirt" is enough to forge a bond that lasts until one of you steals the other's crush. At any rate, when we get into our mid to late twenties, your peers get harder to approach and if you do manage to strike a conversation it doesn't go beyond acquaintance territory. People seem to be really resistant to expanding their circles; the so-called ice is harder to break than ever. Friends of friends have provided with a slightly better friend/acquaintance ratio. But even so, friends go abroad, move out, and hell, they're even starting to get married/have kids. Leaving us with a smaller pool of friends (not to say marriage ends friendships, but it definitely changes them). I am writing this as a form of mutual brainstorm; I want to come up with the most effective ways to make friends as an adult. Here are some of my ideas:
Get a job. There are real live humans working there, however, depending on the job, you may have very little in common with them. We all need money, so you probably need a job.
College. As you further your education you'll meet people that have very similar interests whom will spend a lot of time with you provided you are approachable and studious. You'll see some of them quarter after quarter even. Only bad side of this is if you start dating/break up things could get awkward since you can't really avoid them. If you go here, it's hard not to make friends.
Join random internet meetups. Danger and awkwardness level is high, but it's not too bad specially if you're just moving in to a new area. Do sparingly.
Co-ed sports team/league. You get to exercise (a little) and from my experience this is basically and excuse to drink and meet some active and outgoing people. High chance of meeting cute girls/guys. Takes some guts to join by yourself.
Old friends. Say hi to that buddy of yours who you haven't seen in months, take your friend out of a coffee or some beers. This is almost like dating, with a courtship of sorts, you have to show your best self. There's no romance though, or there could be? You do risk finding out that this friend actively wanted out of the friendship, but eh, the reward is worth it.
Do you have any other ideas of how to make friends as an old and withering young adult?
Life is about the same, except with a daily realization and affirmation that I'm not where I should be and where I should be is farther than I thought. Makes a little depressed. College is shit, income is shit. Though friends are better, more culled and refined than before. My current relationships posses depth and mutual respect. I am like the old, worn down veteran giving advice to others who haven't traveled down uncharted roads. Women? I still have a girlfriend; we're past the dreaded and imaginary "three month" honey moon period. Our "fights" did increase in frequency and harshness after that period, but now we're back to normal, regular arguments. Sex is a strange thing, sometimes I feel like singing the lyrics of that Weezer song, though I am not fucking multiple girls, just the one whom shares the same values, at least as far as not fucking around goes. I tire of the complexity of human sexuality, but not the part where I put it in warm, moist places.
Back to the strangeness of sex; it became something that can be so readily available that it almost lost the initial allure. Almost. We simply cut back slightly. From doing it... literally everywhere, we now retreat to more cozy environments with beds other such modern luxuries. Something that bothered me at the beginning was that I initiated most of the time, but upon chatting with her, she mentioned she does get turned on by my advances if done properly. Nothing gets me more in the mood than her genuinely enjoying whatever sexual shit we happen to embark on that day. I kind of want to see how long she can last if I don't initiate anything, actually, I tried that last weekend but failed in spectacular fashion. How you deal with differences in sex drives will dictate how successfully the other less sticky aspects of your relationship are resolved, we are doing okay so far.
I am learning a lot from this relationship and I am quite happy. If I put as much effort in other areas of my life that are lacking as I do with my girlfriend I could be considered what people call a "catch." This new found realization that those things are unchanged, is pushing me in a refreshing way to go places where I haven't gone, meet people that I wouldn't normally meet, and become less fearful about change.
I cannot recommend this romantic relationship thing enough, you'll be a new person.
Life is not fair. How else to explain this mess of situations, how can I make sense of this madness. I am happier in some senses, but in others I am not.
I am healthy, I have a roof over my head, food - sometimes. I have parents that care about me, I have some friends who do too. I have a girlfriend who I like and who seems to like me back.
Things that are not great: No job, still no bachelor's, back living with parents, no money for games, no time for games, no time for myself.
Reading the previous post I made makes me laugh a bit since I was somehow, in that short time, more naive and hopeful. I thought things were going to be alright and they are, but alright in our ever-moving-forward world is not enough.
If I think of the reasons why I'm doing what I'm doing, it doesn't take long to come up with a single, resounding answer.
Why get a degree? Knowledge? Sure, but why do I want to know more. To say I know more than the other guy? Why get a high paying job? Why get status and recognition for said job? Why get wealthy? Why get healthy? It's a race towards being the most eligible person to be chosen as a mate.
Second on the list would be empathy towards others. I do what I do to somehow diminish their suffering. But deep within, why would I want to do that? Is it a selfish cause? I feel bad for them, so then I feel compelled to end my own suffering towards them. A secondary byproduct of my own selfish desire is altruism and an apparent drive to make the world a better place.
Third? Companionship. I don't want to go through this life alone. Some things are better weathered with someone; things like loss of a loved one, or a loved thing. But we do we seek each other?
Are we selfish by nature and only look to our neighbors as emotional band-aids, and the reason friendships form is due to a carefully balanced form of symbiosis where we all try to take in as much as we give?
So, I am good friends with one and recently met another who I'm getting to know and like, but I've come to find out some girl-related stuff drew them apart. It's my understanding they don't really want to talk to each other.
I like dude A, and I like dude B. But they don't like each other. What the hell do I do? How can I maintain both friendships?