Update before new year comes!

Life is about the same, except with a daily realization and affirmation that I'm not where I should be and where I should be is farther than I thought. Makes a little depressed. College is shit, income is shit. Though friends are better, more culled and refined than before. My current relationships posses depth and mutual respect. I am like the old, worn down veteran giving advice to others who haven't traveled down uncharted roads. Women? I still have a girlfriend; we're past the dreaded and imaginary "three month" honey moon period. Our "fights" did increase in frequency and harshness after that period, but now we're back to normal, regular arguments. Sex is a strange thing, sometimes I feel like singing the lyrics of that Weezer song, though I am not fucking multiple girls, just the one whom shares the same values, at least as far as not fucking around goes. I tire of the complexity of human sexuality, but not the part where I put it in warm, moist places.

Back to the strangeness of sex; it became something that can be so readily available that it almost lost the initial allure. Almost. We simply cut back slightly. From doing it... literally everywhere, we now retreat to more cozy environments with beds other such modern luxuries. Something that bothered me at the beginning was that I initiated most of the time, but upon chatting with her, she mentioned she does get turned on by my advances if done properly. Nothing gets me more in the mood than her genuinely enjoying whatever sexual shit we happen to embark on that day. I kind of want to see how long she can last if I don't initiate anything, actually, I tried that last weekend but failed in spectacular fashion. How you deal with differences in sex drives will dictate how successfully the other less sticky aspects of your relationship are resolved, we are doing okay so far.

I am learning a lot from this relationship and I am quite happy. If I put as much effort in other areas of my life that are lacking as I do with my girlfriend I could be considered what people call a "catch." This new found realization that those things are unchanged, is pushing me in a refreshing way to go places where I haven't gone, meet people that I wouldn't normally meet, and become less fearful about change.

I cannot recommend this romantic relationship thing enough, you'll be a new person.


Changes? Sameness.

Life is not fair. How else to explain this mess of situations, how can I make sense of this madness. I am happier in some senses, but in others I am not.

I am healthy, I have a roof over my head, food - sometimes. I have parents that care about me, I have some friends who do too. I have a girlfriend who I like and who seems to like me back.

Things that are not great: No job, still no bachelor's, back living with parents, no money for games, no time for games, no time for myself.

Reading the previous post I made makes me laugh a bit since I was somehow, in that short time, more naive and hopeful. I thought things were going to be alright and they are, but alright in our ever-moving-forward world is not enough.


Why do anything? Love? Love.

Because what else is left at the end of a long day but a beautiful feeling. To be able to reach upon the stars and capture that which makes us alive; to feel and be felt is what makes it all worth it.

I am me because you are you.

1+ -1 = 0 That is how the universe exists, that is why I love you so much.

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Why do anything?

If I think of the reasons why I'm doing what I'm doing, it doesn't take long to come up with a single, resounding answer.

Why get a degree? Knowledge? Sure, but why do I want to know more. To say I know more than the other guy? Why get a high paying job? Why get status and recognition for said job? Why get wealthy? Why get healthy? It's a race towards being the most eligible person to be chosen as a mate.

Second on the list would be empathy towards others. I do what I do to somehow diminish their suffering. But deep within, why would I want to do that? Is it a selfish cause? I feel bad for them, so then I feel compelled to end my own suffering towards them. A secondary byproduct of my own selfish desire is altruism and an apparent drive to make the world a better place.

Third? Companionship. I don't want to go through this life alone. Some things are better weathered with someone; things like loss of a loved one, or a loved thing. But we do we seek each other?

Are we selfish by nature and only look to our neighbors as emotional band-aids, and the reason friendships form is due to a carefully balanced form of symbiosis where we all try to take in as much as we give?

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Being friends with people who dislike each other.

So, I am good friends with one and recently met another who I'm getting to know and like, but I've come to find out some girl-related stuff drew them apart. It's my understanding they don't really want to talk to each other.

I like dude A, and I like dude B. But they don't like each other. What the hell do I do? How can I maintain both friendships?