Not what, WHY?

A chill went down my spine as the vile question came into existence. I finally figured out the 'what' of my short life, but just as I became comfortably content it hit me. Why the fuck was I doing any of this?

Was it for my own happiness? Am I happy? Am I living to the fullest of my potential? Is this the best person I can be?

I have no idea. I can't even begin to explain how disconcerting this feeling is; the feeling that everything I've done was for someone else. Someone with the same name as me, and the same friends, and the same family. As if I had been dumping water into a bucket with no bottom. But no more, I've been given sight.

I feel this freedom, and complete and utter terror. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm in control. As weird as it sounds I feel like my thoughts are my own.

I accept this freedom.

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Sleep.

寝る

I've been trying to remember the little Japanese I learned, and surprisingly it's coming back to me. I might take a more advanced class next year.

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Hey there Joe. This is Joe from the past.

Did you ever cut your hair really short? Did you part it again on the left side like you used to? Did you ever actually find a good barber? How was the shorts hunt? Summer went away too quickly? Got a girlfriend? Is your mom still thinking you're gay? Still got a roommate? Do you like your life?

That is all.

- 最上川

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