I wish I could have repaid you, dude.

I'm never blogged outside of doing so for the old quests but really wanted to try and put into words what Ryan's passing has meant for me today.

For the last year or so I've been dealing with a condition that has made getting out and about fairly difficult, which has led to a whole slew of frustrations but that's for another time. Since I started dealing with this, Giant Bomb has become a great source of joy. When I'm having a shitty or painful day it's always brightened by seeing or hearing the crew talk about the game industry, games themselves or, hell... just whatever the fuck they wanted, as is often the case on the podcast. I'll be honest and say right now that I used to think this was a little pathetic of me, until I started seeing other people mention similar thoughts in various places. If others were having similar reactions, maybe it wasn't that weird after all.

And of course, usually sitting at the center of all that day-brightening content was Ryan. His joy and enthusiasm for everything from fucking over the rest of the gang at Fortune Street to selling a shirt with nothing but "Fuck Ryan Davis" on it was infectious at times. How could I stay down when I'd hear that signature giggle?

Today when I read the news of his death I started to cry. Which, again, I thought pretty odd. Here I was crying over the death of someone I'd never met when I've had people I know die in real life without one tear shed. But like before, I started seeing people, both on the internet and some real friends, also saying how they cried when they'd heard the news. This made me feel a little better until I fully realized what we'd lost. A dude that can positively affect that many people he'd never or barely met was clearly something special.

I'd recently sent him some Legos as a wedding gift to he and Anna as an attempt to repay some of the happiness he'd given me but, the reality is it doesn't even come close to comparing. It's not even a start. And I hate that I'll not be able to try again.

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