Farewell, I will miss you Ryan

I have never met Ryan, nor have really conversed with him. Though, I have been a member and subscriber basically since the beginning. As other video gaming websites rose and fell by the wayside, I stayed with Giant Bomb through thick and thin. One of the biggest reasons was because Ryan was one of the most insightful, funniest, joyful and exuberant presences I can think of in any form of entertainment. He and Jeff were basically the people who kept me coming back over the past four years. I even became a subscriber to see even more of their stupid shit. I almost could never imagine what the site could be like without him.

I was never a person who conversed or worked well with people personally. Therefore, the Bomb Squad almost became like surrogate friends to me. I would follow and eat up anything any one of them said. Usually, the person I followed the closest was Ryan because he always had some witty remark that lightened up any event, video or article. I was amazed by how eloquently he explained shit we take for granted or shit that you have never thought of before. I loved everything he did from hosting every live show, to the bombcast to TANG to his reviews. I felt like I was closer to Ryan than to anybody else really on the Bomb Squad. He had a taste for games that was most like my own and he loved weird movies and Disneyland as much as I did. Now that he is gone, I can barely fathom what to do now that my best friend is gone.

What really pains me however is the fact that I will never hear what Ryan thinks in the future. I will never hear what he thinks of Saints Row IV or of the new consoles or new movies that come out. That voice will be forever gone from my life in the future. He was always very opinionated and gave his real thoughts on anything that was happening in games or the games industry. I really wanted to hear what he thought of the new consoles or whatever crap he wants to talk about, but now I will always feel that something will be missing from future quick looks and bombcasts.

When I first heard about the news, I was at my job cleaning the bathrooms. I hid out in the bathrooms for like half an hour just reading twitter and just not believing what I was hearing. I never could have imagined that Ryan died. I didn't start bawling right there. Maybe I just felt it was weird breaking up about someone I had never personally known or met. However when I got home and saw the outpouring on the internet and seeing the streams that Harmonix did, I started to cry a little. However, when I really started crying was when I heard the bombcast and getting through all of it was a difficult to do. Listening to people who are usually so jovial and energetic seem sullen and pained just made me lose it. If they couldn't handle it well how could I?

I felt like an icon had died and I have never felt worse for a death in my entire life. I couldn't stop thinking about him for the past few days, wondering what the site and my life would be without him. What makes it even harder is kind of what Patrick mentioned on the podcast. I don't know anybody to talk to about Ryan. No one I know understands what he meant to an entire community of people. I just feel lost, like I don't know who to turn to. I keep hoping that this is some joke and he will be fine or that I am in some very detailed dream, but I have given up hope.

How can I go forward without somebody I feel like I have known for years, my best friend? I don't know and probably won't know for many more months. All I do know is that Ryan would never want the community and Giant Bomb in general to lose their way even if his presence is gone. He would want the community and the Bomb Squad to get together and weather the storm. He would want the site to go on almost the same as when he was there. Unfortunately, I feel this loss was almost too big and now I don't know where my site, that I have grown such a strong bond towards, will go from here. I want Ryan to be on the podcast again and yell "Hey, it's Tuesday", but I know this is impossible. All we can do now is hope we can all get past this, but I probably never will.

X,

The Light Has Gone Out Of My Life

Thank you Ryan, I will love and will never forget you. I will see you on the other side.

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