Beginning to finally be comfortable with who I am

 
 
Hi people of Giantbomb. My name is Brian and I'am currently a college student residing in Colorado springs, Colorado. For the longest time I have struggle with the whole concept of self worth. Many days I have questioned why I get out of bed in the morning. Why do I even exist and whats the point of it? Other times i'll feel fine. Things aren't going terribly for me and really haven't been other than Lyme disease, but I still struggle at times with the concept of success. At times its been hard to see even where I'm going in my life. 
I think as college rolls on i'am just now getting used to myself again. Some days really feel like nothing more than dreams. It can get depressing after a while, but I'm getting back to being on the positive side and in doing so things are going better. I'm socializing more slowly, but surely.  I'm helping friends with their problems whether simple classwork or personal and thats fulfilling. Thing is I felt gloomy this weekend and it threw me off. Depression hit and its hard to battle. Watching the whole season of Louie didn't help either. Things look better already though and its very nice to get reassurance from friends and people around me in general. Things are starting to look up again and with time and self awareness things can stay that way.
 
Have you had moments of darkness and gloom?  
What did you do to fight it? 
Do you still feel at times that you don't know what you can contribute to the world?    
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Posted by blackbird415
 
 
Hi people of Giantbomb. My name is Brian and I'am currently a college student residing in Colorado springs, Colorado. For the longest time I have struggle with the whole concept of self worth. Many days I have questioned why I get out of bed in the morning. Why do I even exist and whats the point of it? Other times i'll feel fine. Things aren't going terribly for me and really haven't been other than Lyme disease, but I still struggle at times with the concept of success. At times its been hard to see even where I'm going in my life. 
I think as college rolls on i'am just now getting used to myself again. Some days really feel like nothing more than dreams. It can get depressing after a while, but I'm getting back to being on the positive side and in doing so things are going better. I'm socializing more slowly, but surely.  I'm helping friends with their problems whether simple classwork or personal and thats fulfilling. Thing is I felt gloomy this weekend and it threw me off. Depression hit and its hard to battle. Watching the whole season of Louie didn't help either. Things look better already though and its very nice to get reassurance from friends and people around me in general. Things are starting to look up again and with time and self awareness things can stay that way.
 
Have you had moments of darkness and gloom?  
What did you do to fight it? 
Do you still feel at times that you don't know what you can contribute to the world?    
Posted by pwnasaurus

no offense but everyone feels down sometimes also cool story bra.

Posted by Dtat

Good for you dude! Yep everyone has those times. I know I have.
Posted by fisher81

Good for you man. Allow me to try to tell that to myself.

Posted by blackbird415
@pwnasaurus: Yeha I understand, but when I say depression I mean including on a physiological level. Sleeping alot. Loss of appetite. memory loss. etc. etc. All part of lyme disease too though. 
Posted by Lemoncookie01

Every now and again I  get hit with bouts of Depression;Nothing I can do but wait it out.

Posted by BraveToaster

 I don't know why this made me laugh. 
 
Everyone has felt gloom sometime in their life. I think it's part of growing up. Some people get over it, while other's kill themselves and/or others. Tis the way of the Crab Dragons.

Posted by blackbird415
@Axxol: haha. Things effect people in different ways. Some more than others. Things happen to others stronger. We're all different on many levels. Our bodies are made differently to handle different things better and worse than others. I chuckled at the addition of the crab dragons.
Edited by LordXavierBritish

I live in a constant state of agony where silent tormentors invade my waking thoughts with deep tendrils of doubt and confusion as they burrow into the most private caverns of my mind and  thrust upon me dark deeds to be carried out in their name of their immortal lord Thyly'glrys'ryae so that he may one day regain the full glory of his wizened form and tear through the thin veil that separates our world from the world of nightmares. Upon that day he will once again cast the universe into an eternal haze where entities of free will are reduced to shambling husks and the essence of life itself is broken and reduced to but remnants, never again to return to its former glory as death envelopes all and the very idea of hope is overcome by the terrifying whiteness of a mind that knows not even the very concept of thought. 

The dental is amazing though.

Posted by dudeglove

I was hoping this would be a thread on how the OP has come out of the closet, and the resulting gay panic from GB homophobes.

Online
Posted by bellmont42

Yep, I constantly wonder why I keep doing things and waste so much time doing things because I'm just going to die anyways. I find existence absolutely pointless but whatever I don't even care because there's no point worrying about it.

Posted by lizcav
@dudeglove said:
" I was hoping this would be a thread on how the OP has come out of the closet, and the resulting gay panic from GB homophobes. "
Same. Bummer.
Posted by TheGreatGuero

You'll have to excuse some of the jerks here at Giantbomb. They don't realize they're lame.
 
Anyway, I'm glad things are looking up for you and that you're feeling more comfortable in your skin. That's good. Everyone should feel good about themselves. You seem like a pretty cool guy. It can be hard fitting in and the pressures of life can be really overwhelming, so I can sympathize with you, and I think we all can. It's nice that you enjoy helping people. It's always a good idea to try to surround yourself with people that make you happy. 
 
I live in a pretty rough life. Far worse than I think most people have to deal with, to be honest. But it hasn't all been bad, and it hasn't always been this way. I've definitely had my fair share of good times growing up. Even though things have gone downhill a lot in recent years, it's never slowed me down much. I've never had issues with depression. I think people just sometimes have the wrong mindset about life, you know? I really don't believe that depression is a disease in any way, though many would argue that it is. Personally, I try to take the bad and use it as fuel to do good. People that know me always want to tell me that they can't understand how I deal with living in my situation, and how I'm still such a good person despite of it. Well, I guess that's how. Light up the darkness. It will lead you to great places.

Edited by xyzygy
@blackbird415:
Did you catch your Lime Disease early, or was it later on that you found out you had it? I hear that when you treat it early it's fairly easy to maintain with antibiotics. Were you bitten by a tick?
Posted by artofwar420

I think it's pretty normal to feel gloomy once in a while, I know I do. But if it's something that's interfering with your daily life, then a doc wouldn't be a bad thing.

Posted by x_XJules

Awww that's great to hear!  
 
College is a pretty great time. The environment allows for more personal growth and the social aspect is a lot easier to deal with than high school. I definitely had a similar experience when I first started.  
 
Keep hanging in there!

Posted by Mourne
@Mrnitropb said:
" Waaah. Take yer fucking pill and stfu. Glooooooomy.  wooooh I'm glooomy :'''''( Are you crawling in your skin, too? Try dealing with fucking PTSD, then go write a fucking blog. "
Forgive the human race for people such as this, blackbird. If their parents could have seen what their offspring would become, they likely would have reconsidered. What in the world is wrong with you, Mrnitropb? I do hope you find solace in your lack of wit and understanding, otherwise your existence has little meaning.
Posted by Mrnitropb
@Mourne said:

" @Mrnitropb said:

" Waaah. Take yer fucking pill and stfu. Glooooooomy.  wooooh I'm glooomy :'''''( Are you crawling in your skin, too? Try dealing with fucking PTSD, then go write a fucking blog. "

Forgive the human race for people such as this, blackbird. If their parents could have seen what their offspring would become, they likely would have reconsidered. What in the world is wrong with you, Mrnitropb? I do hope you find solace in your lack of wit and understanding, otherwise your existence has little meaning. "
I am actually a rather intellectual and empathetic person for the most part, but have zero tolerance for people who whine about being depressed. You ask what is wrong with me, but i already told you. Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, brought on by a wonderful variety of life events, only the latest of which involved having to quit my job, move out of my house, and provide home hospice care for my fiance's mother, who succumbed to ovarian cancer in less than 45 days. She died gasping and gurgling through pre-rigor teeth, fear and pain evident in her yellowed eyes, even through the last does of liquid morphine that I gave her, while trying to calm and soothe her as best I could. I was alone with her, able to only hold her hand, and wipe her forehead when she stopped. I had to unclench her finger to get my hand free, and find the nurse. 
 
That is the cherry on my mental health smorgasbord, and why I have very little fucking sympathy for kids like the OP. Everyone has problems. What defines you as a person is your ability to deal with them; which whining on a video game blog, searching for puppies and rainbows and fuzzy feelings, is not that. 
here @blackbird415, let me help you help yourself.  You didn't say if it was CC or UC@CS, so here is the student clinic links for both. Give them a visit, it's usually free. Talk to a counselor.
http://www.coloradocollege.edu/students/current/boettcher/boettcher1.asp#counseling
 http://www.uccs.edu/~shc/services.htm
Posted by Piririn

I had a depression that lasted a couple of years but honestly im super happy that i did.

You learn so much about yourself in a state like that, so my advice would be to embrace it!


Posted by blackbird415
@Pinworm45: um you just pimped your own illnes so doesnt that make you a hipocryte? besides I merely brought that up as a factor. I never used it to get simpathy, just merely an element to whats been happening to me
Posted by supermike6

Yep, I've had those times. But I'm at a high point in my life right now.

Posted by Jeffsekai

gay

Posted by RVonE

You say you're starting to feel comfortable with who you are. So, who are you?
Edited by blackbird415
@Mrnitropb: Hey im merely finding an outlet for myself as well as a way to start showing who Iam to giantbomb so that maybe the community will accept me for who Iam, but I guess one cant write a simple blog about some simple struggles one is getting over. If you felt I was whinny why did you comment in the first place? Why did you even read it? What is your purpose for write your negative posts other than to state your own story?  
 
Depression you may not see it as something, but its not just feeling sad or thinking bad about one self. There are physical characteristics of depression that effect people just as bad as some people with ptsd. 
 
Iam not one of those people, I have other problems that I simply didn't bring up because it wasn't necessary because I wasn't trying to get sympathy. I was merely pointing a reference of my life as to what was happening to me.
Posted by blackbird415
@dudeglove: hahaha I was wondering if someone was going to bring that up 
 
@xyzygy: No I just found out I had it a month or so ago. I havent taken antibiotics or anything. It can be, but its a real crap shoot to say one way or the other. Theres two things that could happen in treatment. I could take antibiotics for a month and be fine or I could take antibiotics only to have chronic lyme disease. Not really sure whats going to happen
Posted by Jayzz

So this is why the Internet sucks...

Posted by Mourne
@Mrnitropb:  I will reply in PM.
Posted by Pinworm45
@blackbird415 said:
" @Pinworm45: um you just pimped your own illnes so doesnt that make you a hipocryte? "

Posted by RoboRobb

I know what it's like to go through depression, it's a tough challenging moment that only you can pull yourself out of. Surrounding yourself with people you love helps, and keeping a positive attitude is the best cure. 

Posted by Mrnitropb
@RoboRobb said:
" I know what it's like to go through depression, it's a tough challenging moment that only you can pull yourself out of. Surrounding yourself with people you love helps, and keeping a positive attitude is the best cure.  "
Which is why perhaps a public blog is not the best recourse... 
 
@blackbird415:  In all seriousness, are you currently seeking professional help for your depression?  Part of my assholeness in my previous posts was related to having once known too many friends who refused to get help for their depression. They eventually self-treated their problem with drugs, alcohol, and caskets. So I should have said, i no longer tolerate people who won't get help. If you are getting help, Hurrah, and congratulations, it will get better. If you aren't.... go get it. If for no other reason than there's a pill that makes me less bothersome, trust me, I know.
Posted by Zafmg

Man I used to do three, four caskets a day. Drop it in the woodchipper and munch munch we had this green woodchipper a 1967 Ford Gremlin with sparkled rims and just takes two or three minutes to go through a full casket, sweet chestnut -- mahogany takes longer and broke the motor just can't rush into the hard woods used to know a Rockefella mistress who'd do two mahogany caskets every day she had the nose of a vulture and a voice to match

Posted by Arkkazeal

I tend to just chill out and listen to music when I'm feeling down, or just sleep. 
Given the fact that I don't have a real job or anything and my entire schooling was for absolutely nothing, it definitely makes you feel that you can't contribute anything to the world sometimes (though if most posters in this thread are an example of the world today, then thank god I don't contribute anything to them). That's probably why I just stick with helping out my friends and family with things I know I can do.
 
All in all, just play some more video games to distract you from the bad times.

Posted by huntad
@blackbird415: I felt like that for a while too. I also can't sleep at night often, because my mind is racing at 100mph. It's really something you have to seek professional help with or just try and figure out a way to deal with it yourself. I chose to deal with it myself and I'm doing a lot better.
Posted by Video_Game_King

So a bit of existential depression, eh? Advice: read wiki articles on existentialism (and existentialists) until you feel smart. Works every time.

Posted by crusader8463

I have had crippling depression most of my life so I can't really give any advice on the topic. However I will say that I came in here expecting a story about someone coming out of the closest about being gay, and was kind of disappointed when that was not the case.
 
Anyway, hope ya get better. Only thing that works for me is to suffer through it and hope that you can find things to take your mind off it for a few hours at a time or that when you wake up tomorrow you will feel differently.

Posted by KaosAngel

...I came in here assuming you'd be coming out and admitting you're gay and being proud of it.  Fail man, complete fail.  Just another emo thread.  >.> 
 
Where is the heart GB?!  

Posted by Ravenousrattler

Yeah depression sucks, had a bad bout with it when i started junior high, my grade school buddies abandoned me and it wasn't till  I met up with my new crew did it subside. I've been relatively happy since then, except a few weeks ago when i found out i had to junk my ride, the realization of not being able to drive or buy a new one because i have no job, sent me into a funk. Friends,comedy, and videogames are good for pulling out of depression at least for me.

Posted by blackbird415
@Mrnitropb: To answer your question yes. I have a counselor i've been going to since junior year of highschool. I used to go every week and now its more like every once in a while to check in and make sure everything is okay. I have friends that deal with depression alot. 
 
The whole idea of the blog is that things are looking up. Im pushing myself to be more socially active both in person and in the internet. Im doing my classwork, im enjoying what im doing. Im keeping things possitive. My girlfriend my be out visiting me in january (long distance relationship for now) and will be moving in with me in may/june. Things are slowly coming together and are getting back to clarity. 
Posted by blackbird415
@Pinworm45: I was questioning whether you were serious or joking, but I wasnt 100% sure. Thats the thing with just reading text is its hard to read into something like that because the subtleties  of social interaction don't cross over making it harder to tell someones true intentions.
Posted by ryoma122
@blackbird415: 
i ignore the world around me and go into a limp state until i get back on my feet 
but i find setting my self chalinges since it keeps my mind and body busy 
but if that doesnt work then look at t this way your here to serve a role in this game and to make your mark 
end of story
Posted by altbotdos
@Video_Game_King said:
" So a bit of existential depression, eh? Advice: read wiki articles on existentialism (and existentialists) until you feel smart. Works every time. "
This man has your back. Flex the muscle that feels the need.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@altbotdos: 
 
Can you flex your penis? *pulls down pants* Nnnnggg.....Nnnngggg.....Nnnnnnngggggg......Nnnnnngggg....*pulls them back up* No, you can't.
Posted by Meowayne
 
Posted by trophyhunter

Give yourself fully to the electric monkey

Posted by HandsomeDead

OP looks a bit like Badger from Breaking Bad.

Posted by altbotdos
@Video_Game_King said:
" @altbotdos:   Can you flex your penis? *pulls down pants* Nnnnggg.....Nnnngggg.....Nnnnnnngggggg......Nnnnnngggg....*pulls them back up* No, you can't. "
Exactly. Masturbation releases endorphins. This man also has your back, or your front. Matter of perspective.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@altbotdos: 
 
I thought beer or cutting yourself released endorphins. Eh, with the right mix of the first, all three can be involved at once. In theory, mega endorphin release.
Posted by RE_Player1
@Mrnitropb: I love how you deleted your original post or it was removed lol. Your pathetic. 
Posted by Mrnitropb
@RE_Player92 said:
" @Mrnitropb: I love how you deleted your original post or it was removed lol. Your pathetic.  "
Probably for the better. I was being kind of a dick.
And you spell it "you're".
Posted by RE_Player1
@Mrnitropb: Your a leech. You feed of other people's misery and money. You hate seeing this man come over his depression and have to make a hurtful comment. I'm all for telling the truth but you sir are what they call an idiot because your original post didn't inform anyone of anything. I'm done with you, have a nice life and I hope you learn from your mistakes. 
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