Future Cops: This Ain't No TANG
By buzz_clik 11 Comments
Luckily, General's minions have a plan to prevent their reader... sorry, leader from being convicted. With their less-than-trusty time machine, Kent, Thai King and Toyota will travel back to the year 1993 to brainwash the judge in their beloved General's case. Makes sense, right? Obviously this is the best plan in the history of planning things. It could only have been better if they'd explained it with a hastily drawn stick figure blueprint and a pointy stick.
I'll just break here to explain the Street Fighter II link. All of those bad guy characters I mentioned are Hong Kong versions of everyone's favourite fighters in the street: General is Bison; Kent is Ken; Thai King is Sagat; and Toyota is Honda (I know, right?). You'll notice that the allegiances have been futzed with. If you can't get on board this fact, then you may as well stop reading and forget you even heard the name Future Cops. It only gets loopier from here.
When they arrive, our heroes quickly meet Tai Hung, although they are unaware that he is the future judge they are looking for. A 28 year-old student and a complete loser, he's constantly bullied at school and even his sister Chun May ( Chun-Li) can beat him up. The Future Cops tag along with Tai Hung to school, where they help turn his fortunes around.
Ti Man enrols as a student at Tai Hung's school, while simultaneously romancing Chun May. While they're on a date, the two lovers wander into an arcade and play a game that looks suspiciously like Super Mario Bros. And when I say they play it, I mean Ti Man has a remote that zaps the two of them into the game. They leap over turtles, they capture flowers that spring from gravity-defying blocks and they grow to enormous sizes. The amazing thing is that this is neither the craziest nor the most copyright-shattering scene in the whole film.
And so to the final battle, where:
- Chun May and her mother both become Chun Li clones who Spinning Bird Kick all over the place
- the mother's boyfriend transforms into a Blanka-alike with the ability to turn into an electric beach ball
- Tai Hung becomes Goku and fireballs Honda
- Ti Man becomes a human missile and drills right through General's body
- the school is lucky to be standing after so much brickwork is destroyed
You may think I've been a bit spoileriffic in this rundown of Future Cops. Believe me, even armed with this in-depth knowledge your poor widdle brain still does not have the capacity to brace itself correctly. It's so nucking futs that you can't help but marvel at the surreal lawyer-baiting genius of it all. It's a perfect storm of critically injured Engrish, bizarre homages, nonsense plot and dated special effects. Go on. You know you want to.
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