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5 (28) 4 (138) 3 (48) 2 (7) 1 (6) 3.8 starsAverage score of 227 user reviews
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Study in the mind of a game freak. 0
Retro Game Challenge is about the Game Master, a man who drowned his sorrows in 8-bit video games to suppress his self-esteem issues. The levels of his party in Final Fantasy would rise inversely with his dipping grades, and he had an anger problem pent up from a libido no woman would want to satisfy. Ultimately, his parents would delete his World of Warcraft account, and this leads the man taking his own life using a controller wire. However, the ESRB would never give an E rating to such a c...
20 out of 22 found this review helpful. -
The Virtual Console fears god 0
Actraiser for the Super Nintendo is most notable in the annals of history in that if you were to rank every SNES game in alphabetical order, it would appear ninth. However, unless you watched AHHH Real Monsters back when Nickelodeon mattered, then it would be the first notable SNES game on the list. Ergo, Actraiser is alphabetically the most significant 16-bit release of all time. God fighting a pterodactyl In this game, you play as God. Not the real Christian God of course, the last t...
20 out of 21 found this review helpful. -
A barrage of Yeah Boyees. 1
There are certain games that, for whatever reason, I don’t foresee myself attempting to play, let alone review. I can’t touch the Madden games because I won’t settle for anything less than the Pittsburgh Steelers winning sever consecutive Super Bowls, then crossing over and winning the Stanley Cup at least twice. I won’t attempt Gran Turismo or Forza Motorsport because I’m about as confident in my ability to handle cars as Indiana Jones is with snakes. And I never envisioned myself attempting...
25 out of 25 found this review helpful. -
Having fun devolving 0
Forget the hubbub about next generation graphics and vehicle driving and 20 different kinds of physics engines per game. The reality of the matter is that the first person shooter genre hasn’t really evolved much since the early 90s. It doesn’t matter how much smarter the AI has gotten or how realistic the effects of wood shattering is nowadays, the major games still consist of military figures gunning either demons or Nazis. Perhaps I’m the fool for expecting anything more out of a genre whe...
22 out of 26 found this review helpful. -
Resist the resistance 0
Momma always taught me not to speak ill of the dead. Besides being rather disrespectful, trash-talking the deceased could result in a poltergeist occupying your residence. The last thing I need is a ghost haunting my Playstation 3; slowing download speeds for the PSN Store moreso or attacking Solid Snake during the many Metal Gear Solid 4 installation screens. Part of the cruel aftermath of the economic recession, Pandemic Studios has passed away into the great beyond. This studio has produce...
26 out of 28 found this review helpful. -
Lifestyles of the rich and wretched 0
Bas Rutten is an ever-popular retired mixed martial arts known for his liver kicking, impassioned colour commentary tracks for Pride FC (emphasizing the word “colour”), and his immaculately awesome martial arts instruction videos. A walking onomatopoeia, Bas Rutten has become a Youtube arse-whooping sensation for his love of sound effects to accompany his brand of violence. Fans of El Guapo will be thrilled to know that Bas returns for another fake episode of the fake television show “The Men...
26 out of 27 found this review helpful. -
Digital Dong 0
In The Lost and Damned, you’ll play as Johnny Klebitz, the vice-president of a once civil bike gang. All of his attempts at maintaining a peaceful, prosperous biker gang go to hell when the president, Billy Grey, is released from rehab and decides to throw a 40oz at common sense. If you thought it was weird that Grand Theft Auto 4 tried so hard to make you sympathize for the sociopath Niko Bellic, then you’re in luck because this game is filled with certifiably despicable jerks that you’d n...
27 out of 27 found this review helpful. -
Derailed. 1
So me and Nintendo have different ideas on what to do with this Zelda license. I tend to think that the franchise needs an overhaul, a desperate tweaking of its stagnant format. I say enough to tired gameplay ideas, like dungeons built around a bow and arrow, or Link saving a Princess with a Triforce. How radical would it be to play a Legend of Zelda game that doesn’t star Link? On the other hand, Nintendo believes that it’s merely the input methods of the game that have gone flat. People are...
23 out of 26 found this review helpful. -
The tribute and tribulation of New Super Mario Bros Wii. 0
A rotund, European blue-collar worker with both an obscenely low center of gravity and yet a shockingly high vertical leap teams with his lanky brother. Both are twins so therefore must dress identically in fashion but different in colour. Both have a strong resemblance to Ron Jeremy. They exist in a land paved and constructed almost entirely of bricks and sewage piping is used as transportation. These European plumbers must leap on top of unassuming turtles and teeth-boasting plants while see...
21 out of 21 found this review helpful. -
The Virtual Console eats dirt 0
Remember how we all thought Tiger Woods was this clean-cut sports role model so wholesome that even the thought of him having facial hair was appalling to people? Remember how that whole image evaporated when word let out that he had a mistress or twelve? And now how his prowess as a golfer was thrown into doubt because his trainer possessed growth hormone? That is almost somewhat kind of like my situation with Earthworm Jim right now. I used to think that the first two Earthworm Jim games wer...
13 out of 13 found this review helpful. -
Gaming's second most popular Italian. 1
Assassin’s Creed 1 starred a preachy, philosophical, emotionless, characterless unibomber-lookalike named Altair. Killing was his business, but business was not good. First he had to pickpocket, eavesdrop and stalk random targets to obtain “information”, or rather grind missions to extend play, time about his victims-to-be. He would then proceed to attempt an assassination on said targets, one that would involve stealth and cunning…on paper. In practice, they usually ended in extended fight s...
29 out of 30 found this review helpful. -
Petty illegal rally 0
Excitebike is one of those games that you either like or really like. There is no middle or alternative ground. Somewhere between its simplistic, rarely imitated gameplay and the fact that its an old game with a cheery, campy theme song is the reason why so many people have such fond memories of it. Like Ice Hockey or Punch-out, the gameplay is so distinctly…Nintendo Entertainment System-y that more people will care about this 24 year old game 20 years from now than last year’s million copy-...
7 out of 7 found this review helpful. -
The American Dream revised 0
Having already sold more copies than most countries have citizens, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 has now transcended the video game industry to become a major player on the world stage. I feel as if Call of Duty should have its own representative at the UN, bullying countries into trading resources in exchange for Modern Warfare’s two top exports: flashbang grenades and anti-war quotes. Modern Warfare 2’s economy is both socialist and violent, with the government doling out welfare only as a...
17 out of 19 found this review helpful. -
Oh, how Dusty. 0
I could’ve sworn that the appetite for Halo was long ago sated. We already got not one but three very sizable shooters. All of which were very similar (albeit incrementally improving) titles that involve largely the same identical marines-hurting-aliens gameplay. Halo 3 was a sufficient finale, offering more of the same chunky levels, all co-op friendly, a strong online component and neatly closing up the story so that the human race need no longer fear the threat of the strange alien alliance...
20 out of 27 found this review helpful. -
Things that go flop in the night. 0
I think Luigi’s Mansion may have traumatized longtime Nintendo fans. Imagine a group of kids that were raised by their parents to eat a hearty breakfast every morning. This breakfast would be nutritious and delicious; scrambled eggs with gourmet ketchup, French toast with sugar powder sprinkled on top and a hot chocolate with whipped cream and a cherry. Life is great, kids go to school happy. Now imagine one morning, all that food is replaced with rotten eggs, sour bread sprinkled with gu...
4 out of 5 found this review helpful. -
Jeff Hardy would've used his drug money to buy this game. 0
The situation with our annual wrestling video games seems to mirror the wrestling scene in reality. Every year, Yukes, THQ and the Fed pump out their annual Smackdown vs. Raw title, rudely telling the fans what features they want to see implemented (like last year’s tag team system, in spite of the WWE’s general lack of tag teams.) All the while, they ignore the existing flaws of the series and thus release a similar product year after year. Kind of like the weekly television and their rehashe...
3 out of 3 found this review helpful. -
Pretty fly for a white guy. 8
Oh Uncharted 2, how hard you try. Uncharted 2 feels like that one insecure kid at school that puts too much effort into fitting in. He buys the most expensive pre-torn jeans and matching Rocawear shirts, and totes the newest IPhone (he’s in Grade 5 by the way) so that he can post more text in Twitter updates per day than this review’s length. However, the fear of being rejected by his peers is mortifying and the obligation to stay within popular norms is so overwhelming that Uncharted 2 wo...
9 out of 16 found this review helpful. -
Nothing to get soiled over 1
The female orgasm and gaming have by and large been kept two separate entities for decades. While its easy for male gamers whom have never known a kiss beyond their mother to seek arousal from a blocky Playstation-era Lara Croft and her triangular cleavage, women tend to need a bit more. The onset of force-feedback controllers and in particular that Rez vibrator thingy have given grrl gamers too ashamed to buy a real sex toy something to get themselves hot and bothered with, and now we have th...
6 out of 7 found this review helpful. -
Birthday bust (a not very professional review) 0
Here’s where you cross your fingers and hope that your good friend doesn’t read your internet reviews. There is no greater way to devalue the birthday present that you’re fixing to give someone than for them to learn that you’ve slagged their present-to-be. And really, what kind of person buries the very gift they’re about to wrap and hand over? I don’t know. I don’t know. As long as I don’t get smashed at the party and accidentally let out that I 3-starred their “all time favorite game” ...
2 out of 3 found this review helpful. -
Bowser deepthroats Mario 0
Bowser is heartless indeed. Seriously, I’ve been exploring his insides and he doesn’t seem to have a heart. There are an assortment of nodes, cavities and assorted “regions” but during my entire time spelunking King Koopa, I’ve been unable to find a heart. Or much of a brain either, though Nintendo may have intended that to be the joke. There aren’t any kidneys or bladder, though, so I wonder how Boswer disposes of his biological waste. I mean, the guys eats, probably large quantities, too, so...
4 out of 5 found this review helpful. -
The gods of metal are confused 0
There is something powerfully ironic about Tim Shaffer’s Brutal Legend, a game designed to be a love letter to heavy metal…a letter which would likely include a parcel containing a still-beating human heart. After all, it got published by the biggest third party developer and subsequently sued over by the second-biggest company over publishing rights. Maybe it’s that “selling out” is the anti-thesis of metal-ideologies (ideologies that I guess include “don’t sell out” and “get fookin’ smash...
10 out of 11 found this review helpful. -
The worst named game of 2009! 0
Kingdom Hearts is a lot like that daughter of yours that started life so cute and innocent, but progressively grew more rebellious and spiteful of you and authority. Her pink dresses turned to black leather, her pink hairbands turned to spiked collars with matching wrist scars and your conversations turned from “I wuv my dadday” to “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!” The first Kingdom Hearts was a fun, innocent piece of fan service. It combined charming Disney movies with a simplified version of the Fi...
1 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
Shaft your opposition 0
I halfway feel bad for underground illegal street racers, for their culture has stagnated in the eyes of the world. After a couple dozen Fast and Furious movies, a couple dozen more bad spinoffs (who remembers “Torque”?) and far too many wave-riding video games with matching trip-hop soundtracks and badly-voiced characters whom wouldn’t know machismo if it bit them in the nuts, (and Nick Hogan’s little jaunt) people are bored with street racing culture. All that money racers spent on chrome-pl...
3 out of 3 found this review helpful. -
I've got a bone to pick 0
I’ve only sparingly heard of this before. But apparently, there are Singstar parties happening all around the nation. People from far and wide gather in groups to huddle around their Playstation to sing, dance, remember that they’re not scored on dancing and get back to singing. I’ve only known one Singstarian in the past and she was from the Land Down Under, so I dismissed this as an international fad in a country known for backwards delays withholding them from the true thrill of the Rock Ba...
1 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
Anyway the cash flows, doesn't really matter to me 0
First and foremost, Singstar: Queen and all Singstar games must be imminently docked in points for breaking “the truce.” By “the truce”, I mean the unofficial agreement that Harmonix, Activision and whomever else that is making music games obey in making all of their games compatible with all major instrument controller adaptors. I can play a Guitar Hero game with a Rock Band drumset, a Rock Band game with old-but-sturdy Guitar Hero 2 white guitar, and I can play Rock Revolution when hell free...
1 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
Absolute imagination corrupts absolutely 0
Nauts-based video games have made something of an impact on our gaming culture. Tim Shafer’s Psychonauts is a universally praised platformer and work of genius the likes of which will always feel like a perennially-underrated underdog, regardless of how much adoration it may receive. Hideo Kojima released a game called Policenauts about…well I don’t know what exactly Policenauts is, but the Metal Gear Solid games keep referencing it in brief appearances so it has to have some kind of underappr...
4 out of 4 found this review helpful. -
Inferiority Complex 0
Previously in my Super Metroid review, I had made numerous petty swipes at the critically acclaimed Shadow Complex for imitating the master but missing the point. When I wrote that petty cheapshot disguised as a review for an all-time classic, I was but two-thirds of the way finished playing Chair’s downloadable Xbox Live Arcade release. And now that I’ve finished the game, I’m proud to report that I was wrong. Shadow Complex isn’t a cheap Metroid clone. Shadow Complex is a big-budget but mis...
6 out of 10 found this review helpful. -
Exploring the long lost land of the bargain bin 0
For almost two years now, I’ve been refusing to buy Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune on account of the game’s $70 asking price on the free market. While some of the praise lent to the game by friends of mine tantalized me into making the plunge, I could never bring myself to invest money in the archetypical “next-generation game.” By that term, I mean that Uncharted has cutting-edge technology, “Hollywood-esque” story and production values…and not an original idea to be found in the whole damn jungl...
5 out of 8 found this review helpful. -
Some very powerful hair 0
Call the King of Fighters a precursor to emo culture if you will. A bunch of pale, teenage, sometimes-effeminate male fighters (and masculine-female fighters that are at least a bit more gender-obvious, if just because of their big boobs) flinging fire, ice, crystal or blood-attacks with either the greatest of ease or angst. In a way, the King of Fighters series is like the many “underground” emo bands my friend frequently indulges me in, whom use their “underground-ness” (aka, their lack of s...
3 out of 3 found this review helpful. -
I Pledge alligiance to the flag... 4
A little while back, a pre-Mickey Mouse Marvel Comics made a bit of noise with the Civil War storyline that pitted heroes against heroes over government legislation. It was intriguing in its parlaying of real-life events and made for an eventful time to be a comic book fan…or at least eventful enough to mark the one time in history I consistently read a comic book series as it happened. So now we have a video game, put together by what I assume was also a pre-Mickey Mouse Marvel Comics, based ...
6 out of 6 found this review helpful. -
The Beatles: World at War 0
The Beatles: Rock Band is a mighty collaboration between numerous video game and music companies of which I cannot possibly be made to list. If anything, I can imagine a behind-the-scenes war between Apple Corps and Harmonix over the order of titling with one side refusing the title of “Rock Band: The Beatles” or “Rock Band Beatles Track Pack.” But in any event, money will be paid, royalties will be traded left and right, and a portion of the proceeds will go to the estate of Michael Jackson. ...
4 out of 4 found this review helpful. -
Shadow Oedipus Complex 0
Have you ever eaten a dish so extraordinary, one that provided such an overwhelming sensation on your taste buds, that “ordinary” suddenly tastes like arse? Like go to , have an exquisite chicken capellini with the rarest spices, designed by a passionate singing chef with more than five syllables in his last name…then go home and eat a frozen dinner. That sums up my predicament at the moment. I’ve been so completely blown away by the recent Batman game that I can’t bring myself to derive pleas...
9 out of 10 found this review helpful. -
After the boys of summer have gone 0
“The MotionPlus is here! The MotionPlus is here! The Wii is saved! We now have full one-to-one controls! The MotionPlus is the future of gaming! All rejoice! Run, don’t walk, to your nearest Walmart and buy four MotionPluses with matching jackets and gather around the sensation of the summer, Wii Sports Resort, as the Wii once again revolutionizes gaming!” …is what I may have said if Wii Sports Resort was my first exposure to the MotionPlus, the little adaptor that transforms the Wiimote into ...
1 out of 2 found this review helpful. -
Technical foul 0
The world has changed in the three years between Fight Nights Round 3 and 4. We have gained a black president and lost a white Michael Jackson. Mixed Martial Arts has risen to prosperity as the hippest trend amongst $50 skull-design-shirted males aged 15-young enough to be with it. On the other hand, boxing’s overall popularity has further waned, with few possible new stars capturing the public’s imagination, and boxers becoming less interested in world titles than booking the biggest catch-we...
1 out of 1 found this review helpful. -
The game Gotham needs, or the game Gotham deserves? 2
I always envisioned that the ideal Batman game would be encapsulated in a sandbox. Imagine it now; patrolling the streets of in the Batmobile, beating up thugs and keeping the citizens safe from crime and itself. Unfortunately, recent sandbox games, both with real superheroes (Spiderman: Web of Shadows, Superman Returns) and imitation heroes (Infamous, Prototype) have taught me better. All of those games featured redundant gameplay mechanics realized the notion that the life of a superhero is...
18 out of 19 found this review helpful. -
Team Fatass 0
Before I begin to describe the video game Fat Princess, let me state firstly that it executes a vile sin in gaming. Terms like “pwned” and “noobs” and general internet leet-speak are meant to be used by the gamers of PC games like Starcraft and Quake, as part of their…unique gaming subculture. Also keep in mind that Starcraft and Quake became popular in the LAST millennium. Fat Princess features a British storybook announcer narrating a story about you the player pwning noobs. There’s somethin...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Flushed out of my system 0
I hate myself for finishing Prototype. I really do. Here was a game that was begging not to be played, in spite of the time (presumably) normal people spent designing the game’s dozens and dozens of incoherent video cutscenes, recording hours of voice work and crafting numerous story-specific missions. No, I think the people at Radical Entertainment mock anyone that makes an attempt at completing Prototype’s storyline, as opposed to just playing the game the way it was meant to be played. Prot...
3 out of 3 found this review helpful. -
The galaxy is at peace 0
The original Marvel: Ultimate was released in 2006, a simpler time for superheroes. Back then, superheroes weren’t at war with each other over some kind of ambiguous superhero registration act and the comics weren’t trying to reflect reality with a social commentary…or at least they weren’t as obvious. Ultimate took place back when Captain was Steve Rogers and not the three or four people that have since tried to fill his HGH-filled shoes. And with the new Ultimate Alliance 2 game seeking i...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Quadruple bypass 0
So video games have now officially adopted the womanly ritual that is “the makeover”. Just as girl friends from Malibu are prone to freak out with joy at the prospect of getting their hair, nails, toe nails and facials done with the most exotic-yet-excessive of lotion treatments (for my friend reading this, that line was for you!) so too will nostalgic geeks salivate over the prospect of an old game getting its polygons done. Ergo, we have R-Type Dimensions, an Xbox Live Arcade game that exfol...
0 out of 0 found this review helpful. -
Is raising the son of the man you murdered responsible? 1
If you follow your magical map across the Everglazed forest, over the strawberry hill and into the mystical cave, you’ll find the dangerous sugar-breathing dragon. Once you slay the dragon using the legendary Sword of Caramelot, you’ll have claimed the right to gasp at a treasure chest containing one of gaming’s more obscure sub-genres, the niche of niches, the SNK fighting game. A small but dedicated group of people (gnomes maybe?) consider the SNK fighting game their prized treasure. So muc...
0 out of 4 found this review helpful.
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