It is often assumed that the hamburger is unhealthy. Often the portrait of obesity in western culture is painted by the media with beef paint on a sesame bun canvas, but no. These people are misguided, skewed and slanted, biased and dangerously so. It is true that in the hands of the evil, the hamburger can be a fatty food, but the real culprit here is not a man's lust for life, but rather his distaste for exercise afterward. With that established, let me tell you about the day the hamburger proved positively healthy for me. The day the dusty baps of life were so nearly harrowingly soggied
2005. Night time now, and it was raining. I was making the daunting journey from town to home via public transport, having just been to see a local band play in concert. My ears had been rendered useless under a loud drone from the show, and the rest of my senses were rendered wankered from the excessive alcohol. Poor form already, but my night was over and I was due some rest. The bus, the last of the daily service, delivered me to as near my destination as its path wished to lay and then it was gone into darkness. Except that it had not placed me where I had intended. In my weathered state, I had stepped out into some unknown place instead. Unsure, I began to walk.
It was there that I was assailed. To my horror, two beefy men had jumped me, two real greasers with meaty fists, quarter pounded me in the dark. I was in a terrifying pickle. "Where's your money? Your wallet? Give us your greens." they grilled me, saucily. My attempts to plead with these seedy characters did not cut the mustard, in fact they seemed to relish it, and they held a knife up to my throat. It was then that the darkness yielded a new, third figure. He appeared suddenly and exploded into action, throwing my assailants to the floor. I could not believe my eyes, this was no man before me. He had two parts bread, sesame seeds and patty, and he was enormous. Could it have been a costume? I assumed as much at first, but something kept me doubting. The smell. The air had become fragrant, and appetising. Why would his costume smell so real? And as I strained my eyes to see in the dark, where were his arms and legs? By this time, the muggers had been chased away. I turned to thank my saviour, but when I turned to face him he had disappeared. Confused and feeling the bite of the cold, salty night air, I found my way home.

So I say we demonise the hamburger no further, though certainly he moves in mysterious ways. He could do for you immeasurable favor one day.