The Worst Videogame Items- The Boomerang

I hate boomerangs. I hate boomerangs with all my soul. They’re incredibly stupid. You throw a boomerang, it comes back. Great. Thing is, they’re not just for fun and games. There have been historical instances where they were used as weapons and they’ve definitely been used for that purpose in videogames.

The least played with boomerang in the sad history of the boomerang.

Here’s where I start to take issue: I throw my boomerang at an attacker, it only comes back if I miss. IF I THROW MY BOOMERANG AND MISS, IT WILL COME BACK. It was designed to make up for people who suck at throwing. But the dumb doesn’t end there, boyo! If I throw it and it successfully hits my enemy, it falls to the ground aND I HAVE GIVEN MY ENEMY MY ONLY WEAPON. It’s like playing a life-and-death game of catch with my boomerang (I hope for your sake your enemy is an even worse rang’er than you.)

To help prove that all design can be ruined by the liberal application of stupid, they don’t even all fly back! There are two distinct types of boomerangs, cryptically called ‘returning’ and ‘non-returning’, but do your own research on what the difference between the two is.

The age old need to have Boomerangs have caused generations of armpit-farters to make boomerangs out of all sorts of materials, up to and including bone. The way I see it, I would try to get rid of anything that could be used to make a fuckin’ boomerang- ‘Fuck you femur, I’ve always hated you. Get out of here and don’t come ba- oh my tibia!’

Would you boomerang with Mr. Boomerang?

But that’s not even what they’re mostly used for at this point. Recreational boomeranging has been all the rage for years, but playing with one is the most tragic game since I filled my Crocodile Mile with thumb tacks. People with friends throw a football. Not to belabor the point, but playing ‘rang is like drawing a stick figure on the garage and playing handball with it while groups of your classmates ride past you on their bikes smoking their marijuana cigarettes. Not even the Blues could sing this sad a song. It’s depressing.

But not nearly as depressing as having ornamental boomerangs. They can be made into all sorts of shapes that are the exact opposite of practical- turtles, large wooden mustaches, a double boomerang, I suppose. I don't completely understand the reasoning behind making boomerangs into various shapes, but that's only because I would never talk to someone who made or owned them. Or save them from a car fire.

Is it coming or going???

The most famous of all videogame boomerangs is absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, the one Ty the Tasmanian Tiger used in his three PS2 adventures. But since any real man would shy away from using the idiotic things in the first place, we’ll use an example all children can relate to- The Legend of Zelda.

Used by Kid Link in many of the Zelda games, this trusty piece of wood single handedly saved the Kokari hero from the undulating innards of the Zora’s god, Lord Jabu Jabu. Facing off against the Bio-electric Anemone: Barinade, Link hurled the weapon at the monster and severed its electrical appendages and saved the Zora’s Princess Ruto.

God damn it, this isn’t helping my point at all! Wait a second, I think I figured it out. I’m pretty sure this is exactly what happened!

Boomerang starring Norbit

Generations before this Link killed Queen Gohma and sentenced the protector of the Kokiri Forest, the Deku Tree, to death, another Link was engaged in an epic battle with his boomerang. He heroically cast the thing away but, like a Ouija board, the demonically-possessed device just kept coming back. The battle was so intense that the kingdom’s most beloved citizen, Ganon, stepped in to arbitrate armed solely with the power of love and was hit in the back of the head, dying instantly. Taking full advantage of the situation, the demon jumped into another meat suit he now called Ganondorf, and pledged vengeance forever.

Much celebration was had across the kingdom- Skylandia presented Link with their Princesses hand and promised all his children the gift of all of hers. Having earned nothing but a free pass for anytime incest for the kids and instant celebrity for himself in the annals of ‘The Legend of Zee’s Vee: Skyward Sword’, the young man finally decided to nut up. Valiantly striking the boomerang from all documentation, Link tossed the accursed object into one of the many golden chests he had opened along his adventure and kicked the fucking thing from his floating cloud house. Speeding to earth, the chest fell into the sleeping mouth of Jabu Jabu where it lay, safe, until one of stupid Links stupid descendants was swallowed whole after reading a walkthrough and discovered he had to stupidly feed the big fish a much smaller fish to save a girl-fish.

So, really, the moral of this story is that playing with stupid boomerangs will lead to your children down a dark path of bonin' each other.

*this can also be found on my blog page at Script Routine.

Posted by firespot

I disagree incredibly, I love boomerangs... especially in games. Boomerangs in real life may not come back if it hits an enemy, but video games are fiction so anything goes... A boomerang in my opinion is a great weapon, you don't need any ammo so you don't run out of the weapon and you never need to get close to your attacker.

With all of the games using swords and guns, it's really fun in my opinion to see a weapon more interesting like a boomerang. I honestly find swords and gun lame and over used.

Posted by ShaggE

Counterpoint: Batarang.

Posted by TheSouthernDandy

This is pretty great. Glad it got brought back from the dead.

Posted by BisonHero

But what say you of Mr. Skrillex's Bangarang?

Posted by bacongames

@ShaggE said:

Counterpoint: Batarang.

Son of a bitch you're right.

Posted by Daneian

Holy crap! How the hell did this happen?

Posted by Kevin_Cogneto

Your thread boomeranged on you! Looks like you have a lot of soul searching to do.

Posted by Daneian

@Kevin_Cogneto: My god, a metaphor. Time to walk across the Japanese countryside and find inner peace.

Posted by JackSukeru

I'd deconstruct your argument by throwing out some clever wordplay, but I'm too worried about possible comebacks.

Edited by Daneian

@JackSukeru said:

I'd deconstruct your argument by throwing out some clever wordplay, but I'm too worried about possible comebacks.

Really, I was just having fun with the idea.

The only other one of these I've ever wanted to do was on Top Man's Top Spin move from Mega Man 3.

Posted by MistaSparkle

Okay well first off, Ty the Tasmanian Tiger is some of the most baller shit ever created. Secondly, boomerangs are awesome video game items! It's a melee weapon that never runs out of ammo, how useful is that! I know you had the argument that you only get it back if it misses, but that is untrue. If you hit someone just right, you can get it to spin again and have it travel back to your hand. And for videogames boomerangs usually have the capability to go through enemies without losing momentum and return which is incredibly useful, especially in certain types of games like bullet-hell shooters. Lots of enemies and the chance to hit twice with one shot makes the boomerang as viable a weapon/item as anything.

Posted by Apparatus_Unearth

@BisonHero said:

But what say you of Mr. Skrillex's Bangarang?

bass WAA wuh wuh wuh wuh wuhwuh

Posted by JackSukeru

@Daneian: No see, it was a boomerang joke. "Throw out", "comebacks".

Won't blame you for not getting it, it was pretty lame.

Posted by Grillbar

nine out of ten times i would agree but the batarang and the boomarang in double dragon neon is one of the best weapons in the game, not saying much but still

Posted by Daneian

@Grillbar: @BaconGames: @ShaggE: How could I have forgotten the batarang!

Not dumb at all!

@JackSukeru said:

Daneian: No see, it was a boomerang joke. "Throw out", "comebacks".

Won't blame you for not getting it, it was pretty lame.

Naw man, it's just subtle. I sat here for fifteen minutes and I couldn't think something better. I respect the attempt and I respect you.

Posted by cmblasko

Completely, 1000% disagree - the boomerang from Legend of Zelda was straight up MAGICAL to me when I was a kid.

Posted by Ravenlight
Posted by Daneian

@Ravenlight said:

Power Blade and Power Blade II disagree with you.

I see your Power Blade and raise you one Dark Sector. Future space glaives are close enough and much more prone to user error. They're basically lawn darts.

Posted by AlmostSwedish

I enjoyed this a lot. And yes, fuck boomerangs.

Posted by oraknabo

Dragon Quest VIII has the best boomerang. It's my favorite weapon in the game. You can even craft it into a better one by tying nails to it.

Posted by Shortbreadtom

I'm with you poster. Despite how Ty was the hypest shit, the boomerang in general sucks.

Posted by Maajin

It is going. His left arm position indicates he just threw it and the motion lines says it's spinning counter-clockwise, matching the arm position. That said, boomerangs suck.

Posted by Daneian

@Maajin: I think he looks like he's trying to jump out of the way. That's the face of an elf boy scared shitless.

Posted by Daneian

@rebgav said:

The boomerang cross is the best item in Castlevania. This entire thread is invalid.

Ah, the old argument from divinity. God can render anything invalid, except anal fissures.