By Delta_Ass 0 Comments
Oh god, Zaxby's... I have nightmares about Zaxby's.
I've only been to Zaxby's once, and decided to try out their hot wings for lunch. Cause hey, who doesn't like hot wings? And so, I'm up there at the counter, and the lady there asks me what sorta hotness level I want. Now, I like pretty hot and spicy food. Living in California, you get used to a lot of Mexican food, which has a pretty good amount of heat. So this lady at the counter's talking about how they have five different hotness levels to choose from. That should've been a warning to me right then and there. When you conjure up something like five individual levels of heat for hot wings, it's probably a safe bet that the fifth one is really really fucking hot. But I wasn't really paying attention and just asked for the fifth level, which was "Insane" or something. I figure the five different levels is just something they made up for the franchise, and it's all just for show. Ya know, just to add a little quirk and flavor to the proceedings. They can't possibly have anything really scary hot, this is a mainstream family restaurant chain after all. And you can buy the wings five at a time. Now, it's lunch, I'm getting hungry, and so I ask for ten wings. And this lady's looking at me and says with a concerned expression on her face that she's only ever served "Insane" coated wings twice before in her career, and never ten of them at once. And I still figure she's just putting on an act, trying to talk up the wings. There's nothing to be concerned about, right?
After a while, the wings arrive, and you can literally smell the overpowering spices coming off of the coated wings. They're all covered in this red, angry sauce that's quite pungent and might make a baby's eyes water. So I bite into the first one, and at the beginning, it's not bad at all. It seems hot, but nothing painful or distressing. I figure hey, this'll be just a piece of cake. But the crazy thing about really hot sauces is, they take a while to settle and start searing your mouth. There's a timed delay before the chili spices really sink in and start reacting with your tender tissue. So I'm finishing around the second or third wing before the sauce start burning my tongue, the inside of my mouth, the back of my throat, and even the outside of my mouth, since the sauce gets smeared around my mouth when I'm eating it. So it's not just hot inside, but even outside. And I'm wiping my mouth with napkins after every bite, but my skin still burns, and even a few hours after the meal, my friends said my mouth had this crazy orangeish tinge to it. It's just that powerful. But the most painful part was definitely the throat, where it's burning and drinking water doesn't help much. I was definitely thinking about not finishing the last two pieces, because of how painful the whole experience was getting to be. Every bite just has more sauce coating and burning the back of the throat, and my tongue was probably completely burned out as well. Remember that 90s film about the true alien abduction story called Fire in the Sky? Well, I had Fire in My Mouth. But ya know what... I thought about our ancestors, and what they used to accomplish. They used to hunt woolly mammoths and bears, back when we couldn't rely on technology and had to sweat and bleed for survival. Young warriors would go on spirit walks and find inner meaning. Or they'd have to earn their first kill, as a rite of passage. There was something to be gained, something that we might have lost. And I figured... well, maybe I haven't killed a woolly mammoth, or a saber toothed cat, but I can at least tough it out on a plate of Insane hot wings. That might be my rite of passage.
I don't think I'll be going back to Zaxby's anytime soon though.