Something went wrong. Try again later

Do_The_Manta_Ray

Replaying Mass Effect, I find myself with a bad case of the STDs. Space Transmitted Disease.

1681 172 51 41
Forum Posts Wiki Points Following Followers

My internet friends and what we're doing to each other.

I write blog posts very rarely. I'm a writer by trade who is ironically uncomfortably with the idea of others looking into my head. Those of you who've read any of my previous attempts at articulating myself will know that my commentaries tend to be fairly personal, and this is no exception to that rule. In fact, this is by far the most personal blog post I've written. I am uncomfortable with that fact, hesitant to post this, but that's only fitting as this post is all about being unsure. Be warned, some of you will likely find this piece boring, but that's alright by me, I'm not writing this to get laughs. You're all welcome to discuss and debate in the comments section below.

-

People get married. That's what they do, even people you don't expect to. My best friend from my childhood is a perfect example of that, and I stood by him as he was tying the knot a few days ago. I hadn't seen him for quite some time, and I wasn't sure how to treat him as he and I have a complicated history for the lack of a better term. Over the years, I have looked up upon, and looked down on, the guy in equal measure. I attribute that to the obvious fact that people change, and it's hard to reconcile your image of a person with what their circumstances are doing to them. You come to expect things out of people, and transgressions eventually start to pile up over longer periods, it's the same for any long-lasting relationship, you learn to come to terms with the issues rather than expecting to solve them.

Over the last couple of days, I've spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out whether I'm happy for him or not. I still can't really make up my mind on the subject, for a number of reasons. I don't like the person he's marrying for one, and I'm sure he's making the same mistake that lead his own father to become so very unhappy. Ofcourse that's not something I can say to him, I don't have the right to, and it highlights the fact that I have to be considerably more careful with my words to him than I used to be. Used to be we could say anything to each other, comfortable in that the other felt the same way. This melancholy train of thoughts has lead me to consider a lot of my other friendships. What's working, and what isn't. I'm happy to report that with just about all of my real-life friends, there haven't been any grand revelations. I'm fairly outspoken on what I think, and I try to consider the thoughts of others, so anything buried beneath the surfaces isn't just going to rear it's head and mess things up. I know what I like and what my friends like, and it's clear that we like each other, it really is as simple as that.

I can't say the same about the friends I have online and that's the reason I'm writing this unusually personal blog-post. I feel like I need to step out of my way to say that I'm not looking for any advice, nor am I desperate to find a solution. It's simply been food for thought, and I usually work out any confusion I have by putting it down on paper. I feel this subject coincides fairly well with the discussions on this site, so I'm posting it here as part of the process.

Let me set the stage, and try to be careful where I aim the light; I have a group of people I regularly play multiplayer games with, DOTA 2 in particular. We've all known each other for what feels like, and in some cases infact is, years at this point, and in that meanwhile we've had our fair share of things happen between us. Recently, a friend of mine underwent a loss, and I tried to help, feeling powerless in how short my gestures fell, and I dealt with my frustration by myself. On other occasions, I've been able to do more for people, and sat here alone in my apartment, smiling at myself for it. No matter the result, I can't help but to think of myself in the process.

Being online friends with someone feels very different to me than being a normal friend. There's too much silence for one thing, too little of what I think makes interacting with people so important. Seeing someone smile, hearing someone laugh, but it's first and foremost the prescence of another factor that's the priority of everyone involved. The game. A game like DOTA 2 takes almost all of your concentration, and is the fulcrum around which any conversations mid-game is going to revolve. For those of you living under a rock, DOTA 2 is a competetive 5v5 MOBA that's highly demanding of each player, not only in terms of individual skill, but even more so in their capacity to work together. As such, you don't prioritize the conversation, and that can lead to silences that would stretch in a normal capacity, here the game fills them, and you find yourself speaking to yourself as much as to your friends. You dish out criticism, complaints and banter that you haven't fully thought through as you would were you next to the person in question. And perhaps more importantly, large aspects of the conversations are only gleaned, rather than fully absorbed, as you are focusing on progress of the game itself. Whatever it is you're doing, you're multi-tasking. And whatever happens, you're expected to continue to cooperate, to dismiss arguements you'd like to focus on, potentially leaving things to fester. It's not a sound system, but everyone is aware of that.

I don't mean to make it sound as if all people do is argue. Far from it. If you've watched an episode of Daily DOTA here on the site, it's fairly representative of how people in-game interact with each other, at least in my experience. Joking around, trying to be constructive in criticism when necessary, and overall guide the team to victory. Despite of everyone's good intentions, however, things sometimes go bad, and it's hard to maintain your perspective. It's difficult not to be selfish when you're so focused on your character, your contribution to the game. It's a game that highlights someone doing good, or bad in very stark colours, and it's not always easy to distinguish between what's happening in the game from what's happening in the conversation. The one element trickles over the other so easily. People get upset when they're doing badly, even though they're surrounded by friends who mean them well, and lash out. It's also one of those games that you can't help but to get really invested in, which I'm sure you can tell, can be a good or a bad thing. It brings out the best, and the worst in people, things people work to surpress and hide as long as they're aware of their behaviour. And that's the problem, I think, the fact that we lose track of our own input and behaviour to a degree. The fact that those things suddenly matter less.

The more I think about this situation, the more I wonder why I bother. Why am I going out of my way to spend time with people who might fall on each other, teeth bared, without anything done wrong from a social standpoint. Someone might be kind, yet performing in a way that's a detriment to the rest of the team, and still suffer under their ire. That doesn't sound like something a friend would do to me, yet I'm constantly being shown the opposite. In a lot of ways, it reminds me of a horror story. The way people become selfish when they're unsure what to do, the way traits that we almost never use in our daily lives become all that matter. Fittingly, it can be frightening.

Ultimately, I always come back to the same conclusion. I like these people, I enjoy talking to them and hearing their opinions. I enjoy swapping stories and joking around, yet DOTA makes me aware that there's a side to these people that I don't know, a side they don't want to show. That there's a side to myself I'm not fully aware of, or even necessarily have control over. And that all you need to do is stop thinking about how you're treating people, and suddenly, you're less than you thought you were. It's a sobering thought, but one that raises more questions than it answers.

In a lot of ways, it mirrors the issues I have with social media such as facebook, twitter. They have always felt hollow to me, like you're removing the essential catalyst that makes me like people. It's not honest to who we are because it isn't complete, and a sentiment shared in half-hearted way won't ever be as effective as something experienced.

I don't believe there's a solution to any of these complaints I have. I either do or I don't, and I may not always be the one to make that decision. I like these people, and will continue to be an online friend to them, warts and all. The fact that I wish it could be different doesn't matter a damn, and if that isn't an accurate comment on the internet as a whole, then I don't know what is. It's an incredibly impersonal medium that dehumanizes people in our eyes and ourselves in our actions. Yet it also binds us together.

Finding a common ground, establish a bond and an understanding of what that bond entitles us to, and what it doesn't, is an issue that I'll continue struggling with. Yet walking into this brand new world of rampant social media, interactions stripped bare of all but words and opinions, I don't see what choice I have but to keep beating my head against the wall. To keep trying.

If we're only human in our real lives, then we're less than that here. And that's a truth I don't think I'm ever going to grow comfortable with.

-

I want to thank you all for reading.

This was the Do The Manta Ray, being cool and sounding important at your school.

4 Comments