So, I've been stewing in rage for the last two days. I've been incredibly pumped for Civilization V, got my PC all up to spec, bought the deluxe edition, fired it up and... got slapped with a framerate varying between 30 and 5. And half the textured ripping up and flying all over the screen. I've been utterly convinced that the game was somehow broken, and drowning in a sea of hopelessness.
 
Turns out windows check for new drivers doesn't work, and I was 8 months behind. 300 mb update and a quick restart and all is good now. The moral of this story is don't be lazy, don't trust windows, check everything personally. Give your computer some love and it'll love you back. Had to get that off my chest.