(i wrote this out as a way to help me sort out my feelings on the news. im fine with no-one ever reading it but i really needed to write it.)

okay so ive been off the internet since last weekend, and i come home to find out that Ryan Davis has passed away. as I'm trying to process this, i find myself hoping its a prank, or a stunt. maybe Ryan always wanted to fake his own death and he pulled his industry connections together to help him make it happen as a wedding gift. though thats probably not true, its what i hope is happening, and i hope to hear his voice on the bombcast on tuesday. that will probably not be the case and im probably going to have to move on with my life, and try to deal with what feels like a real actual friend's death. a death that in some ways i dont feel like i have the right to be this upset about, but ive listened to probably over a thousand hours of podcast of the man, and watched him on video for at least a hundred hours as well and you cant help but feel something at least similar to friendship for someone after that. its something ive thought about a lot recently, as podcasting and internet personalities become more prominent, you let these people into your life that you feel this fucking HUGE amount of emotional attachment to. Ryan Davis was (and still is, and will forever be) linked directly into the part of my brain and of my heart where happiness and fun reside. we get a window into his life and into the lives of those similar to him through which they broadcast pure fucking joy, and we get spoiled. it gets easy to forget that they have lives and problems and bad days and we forget that the window can and will close someday and theres nothing we can do about it. the whole constructed relationship with the user that Giant Bomb has built is so tenuous and new that i bet a lot of people never even considered the real implications of it. they thought it would be fun to let us in on everything that was involved with the running of the site, and even in the relationships and lives of the people involved. Giant Bomb takes us on the ride with them, for better or for worse. its all been exhilarating and innovative and creative and purely funny and joyous until now. now we see the other side of the coin. we bought the ticket, and this is the bad part of the ride. this is the part no one considered. for every thought-provoking conversation, every chaotic live show, every podcast, every laugh, every setback, and every triumph Ryan let us share with him this loss is felt that much harder. i feel like whatever this is is about as close to an "RIP" as i feel like i know how to write, because a simple "rest in peace" feels cheap and somehow maybe this diatribe is (to me, at least) of a little more value. i don't know. what i do know is that it hurts now, but we'll get past it. and hopefully Jeff and the guys can figure out a way to keep the party rolling, and hopefully they keep letting us in because i know i need a laugh now more than ever.