No Logic Review--Naughty Bear

   What can I say about Naughty Bear? I can say that it is a Xbox 360 video game. I cannot say that it tastes like pineapple.
   Now that the stupidest three sentences ever written are over, I can move onto Naughty Bear. In this game you take control of Naughty Bear, a bear suffering from self-esteem issues. Thanks to lifelong issues like increasingly odorous arm pits and violent diarrhea, Naughty has been shunned by the other bears of...that one...the island of...that place in the game. I'll level with you, I don't remember the island name. I also don't remember where I left my Driver's License this morning, but that didn't stop me from driving. Use the same logic with this game.
   Anyway, Naughty strikes back the way any well adjusted individual does; he participates in active dialogue with the other bears, detailing how they hurt his feelings and seeking to find a middle ground. Game quests include finding a sharing stick that allows for a single bear to speak in the "sharing circle," writing formal apologies, and creating mini-games that promote trust among the bears. 
  After that tutorial, the game really picks up by allowing Naughty to fight back against robots, alien invaders and "zombears." Unfortunately for Naughty, all of his trust-building exercises are useless once the enemies of the game begin using mind control on his friends. Naughty is then forced to kill his friends, each more heartbreaking than the last. The developers emphasized realism during these action sequences by allowing the player to build a mausoleum to honor departed friends. Seeing my dead bear friends, filled me with a kind of rage that only Sylvester Stallone can express.   

    However heartbreaking, the game is more repetitive than...something really repetitive. I'm ending this thing before my writing skills get any worse. In fact, Sylvester Stallone in this video says what happened to my writing abilities.
   Fuckin' dead.
   Final Grade: 2.777777777 stars out of 5.

No Logic Review--Call of Duty 2

   At the advice of my lawyers, I'm starting a new series. I heard reviews are kind of interesting, but I read a few and they have one glaring flaw: logic. And objectivity. That's two things, proving that logic has no place here.
    Call of Duty 2 is about killing people. I'm not sure who because the names kept changing. First it's the Germans, which fits because the one book I've read said something about a war in the 1940s. Then it's Krauts, which I assume the AI meant to say Claus, speaking of Santa Claus, but I'm not sure that fits entirely. Then it's Jerrys, and based on the number of enemies in this game, Europe has no imagination in naming their children.
   Anyway, the point is you're supposed to shoot a lot of these differently named enemies. You also have grenades, but unless they are standing on the grenades, your enemies will prove to be invulnerable to explosions two feet to the left.  
   The weapons at the player's disposal are time specific, proving that the allied forces do not have access to a time machine as I originally expected. This flaw in the war machine is much more apparent when the player has to wait for his eyes to adjust to darkness rather than using night vision. 
   On the highest difficultly, the enemies become advanced cyborgs capable of pulling off miracle shots and instantly mass producing grenades and throwing them in increments of a 1000.  On many occasions they will also become invulnerable to bullets, meaning one enemy is a handful. Fortunately, during in any fight the player will only be confronted by 769 enemies. But don't take my word for it. Here avid video game reviewer Les Grossman plays the role of enemy forces and Flaming Dragon takes on the role of the average gamer.

   Yeah, that's pretty much what happens.
   The single player campaign is fairly long so commitment-phobia people like me, at least according to my last girlfriend, won't enjoy this. As for the multiplayer, it's not worth the time of day because there aren't any noob tubes.
   Final grade: 3.574679 stars out of 5.

Notes From the Diary of Louis

Dear Diary,
How are you doing? I'm doing great since I found other survivors. Francis, Bill and Zoey are just about the best people you could possibly ask for during a zombie apocalypse. At first I was a little worried that we wouldn't mesh and everyone would be eaten. But now everything is going to be a-okay!
This little group has killed every zombie along the way and we just keep having more fun! Although it is a little annoying that Bill is such a pessimistic guy. He constantly thinks we're going to die. He needs to lighten up and think positive! It's just like when I didn't think I'd find that last unicorn sticker for my collection and then BAM! there it was in the last pack. 
You know, I'm really liking this sub-machine gun. Maybe my calling in life is to kill zombies. Think about it, I was a middle management type, maybe gonna end up with a white picket fence, a wife and a cute little puppy! Don't get me wrong, that would be fun (OMG!) but this zombie killing thing is starting to be a lot of fun! I'm getting to meet new and exciting new people, visit exotic  locations and I get to release all the pent-up anger I have! Yay for me!
And since I'm writing this diary on my work laptop, I can put in some video of things that help me stay positive. Like this video that I think symbolizes our teamwork! 

This is so true! It always happens like this! LOL ROFL!!!! I could watch this video all day, it's just that good. Especially the part where....what's that noise?

Cancelled Holiday Games

            Little known fact: I’m pretty well connected in the gaming industry. No, I’m not talking about my 28 loyal GiantBomb followers, of which three or four of you have actually read my blog. I’m talking connections with high ranking personnel within every major gaming publisher and developer in the world. That’s why through extensive use of blackmail and bribery, I am able to bring you a list of cancelled games that were slated for release this holiday season.

                Boy Band Hero: Activision put this puppy into development following Band Hero’s success, banking on sales from customers feeling nostalgia towards the late nineties or heavy drug use. Planned as a multi-platform title, it was later switched to an Xbox 360 exclusive to capitalize on Kinnect compatibility, allowing players to dance like confirmed artists NSYNC, The Backstreet Boys, O-Town and others.

                Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Expansion: Before all Hell broke loose at Infinity Ward, there were plans to make an expansion. It would include lost scenes from the single player campaign, 20 new multiplayer maps and 10 new Spec-Op missions. Instead the single player scenes have been scrapped and the maps have been broken up into four new map packs. No word on the Spec-Op missions, because despite what most people say, those people would rather have map packs.

                Left 4 Dead DLC: I had a snappy one liner for the seemingly endless delay of this planned DLC. However, as I was typing the sentence Valve’s legal department swarmed my house like the undead. Now I’m legally obligated to provide a link to the “Valve Time” web page. So…yeah. Doesn't mean I have to make it clickable. Take that, legal system!

                Jane Eyre: EA struck gold with by turning classic literature into a video game with Dante’s Inferno, and quickly made plans to bleed the market dry. With an Inferno sequel already in the works, Jane Eyre was pegged as video game material, due to its high hack and slash potential. EA hasn't found a developer yet, so it was shelved.

                Condemned 3: Broken Blood Vessel: Sega wanted to put out a game this holiday season without Sonic and thought the name sounded cool and lent itself well to the ‘Bloodshot’ subtitle of the second game. Then Sega remembered they used to make sound business decisions.

                Eat, Pray, Love: Amaze Entertainment made the Night at the Museum game, which four people in the entire world wanted. With such a high bar to clear, Amaze acquired the rights to the upcoming Julia Roberts flick, with an eye towards a holiday release to coincide with the DVD release. Unfortunately, no gameplay ideas were conceived and Eat, Pray, Love was shelved.

                Candy Land: Headed to the Xbox Live Arcade, players will feel the adrenaline rush that only pressing a button to flip a card can provide.


The Sam Fisher Spy School Course Guide

   In my quest to become a better spy and receive fewer restraining orders, I recently enrolled at the Sam Fisher Spy School. Below is a list of some of the classes with a brief description.
    Interrogation 101--Learn the basics of interrogation. Course will cover how to speak in a growling voice, assault captives while striking a cool pose, and potential everyday objects to beat captives against.
    Interrogation 202--Upper division class. In depth study of making interrogation personal, through means of lost loved ones. Potential pitfalls of using non-immediate relatives, e.g. cousins, sister-in-laws. Further study of environmental attacks. What to do if captive does not speak the same language.
   Aiming 101--Study of different weapon sights and accuracy. Written paper due at the end of semester, stating how a close range weapon such as a pistol is more accurate at range than any other weapon, despite longer barrels on assault weapons. Bending of reality is allowed.

   Sonar Applications 105--Course covers best situations to use sonar. Tips on how not to vomit after extended sonar use. Study of possible vision ailments and relation to sonar use.
   Music Appreciation 101--Course covers best music to record for camera grenades. Use of Jonas Brothers music or Justin Beiber will result in failure and/or expulsion. Emo music may be subject to similar penalty.
   Ethics 378--Best situations to betray partners under. Course teaches techniques for managing stress after murdering said partner. Proper technique for standing or squatting over dying or dead partner. Prerequisites: Ethics 101, Ethics 202, and Ethics 344 passed with C or better. 


Notes From Isaac Clarke's Diary

    Dear Diary,
   Does anyone want to explain to me why my ass is running around this damn ship. I mean, come on! I AM AN ENGINEER! I'm sorry I had to go all caps there diary, but it needed to be stated, in writing that I am an engineer. Now I spent a long time in school, learning all that math and science, so I'm not exactly combat ready. Sure I had that one elective class, Tae Kwon Do 101, but it didn't prepare me for monsters with sword arms.
   Hammond is head of security. Now, I don't know if that means he's ex-military working in the private sector or he took the hour long training course mall cops get, but he's the fighter here. We even meet up pretty soon after all this shit goes down, and he sends me out to get eaten. Couldn't we trade roles? Maybe go together? Nope, there's always a "reason" I have to go. I suspect that he knows Murphy's Law, which states the black guy must die in 97.4% of all horror games/films. Doesn't make sense to me, but that's what happens.
    And would it kill them to say thank you once in a while. I've practically rebuilt the ship with tinfoil and apple skins, but not one thank you. You're welcome for keeping you alive, you ungrateful bastards.
   Gotta go diary. It hurts my eyes to write in total darkness and that bitch Kendra is whining about something.


The Most Feared Midget That Ever Lived

    Once there was a midget, the most feared midget in all the land. At night when other midgets gathered around the campfire, they told tales of his greatness. They told tales of his non-girlish battle cries and how he once fired a shotgun without falling over.

     But it was not enough for the most feared midget in the land. He longed to kill a full grown human without the assistance of forty-seven other midgets. He longed to stab a man higher than the knee.

   And so he set out on an epic quest, because that is the only kind of quest to set out for. He would become infamous. His name would strike fear into the hearts of treasure hunters across the world. No longer would he be the most feared midget in all the land. He would be the most feared killer in all the land!

    He trained night and day, stopping only to make his mask more fearsome and to rid his mohawk of split-ends.

   Soon he became a master in all forms combat. Never had anyone thrown an axe better than he could. Never had there been a better skag rider. Never was there anyone more accurate with a shotgun. He knew now it was his time to carve his name in history.

   And he charged into battle, axe in hand, shotgun on his back. His mask majestic, his mohawk feathery and soft.   He felt destiny’s call.

   Then he felt the buckshot followed by nothing.

   And that is the story of the most feared midget that ever lived.


"Hooded Individual" Interrupts Downtown Sales Event

     Prices weren't the only thing slashed today at a downtown shopping center.
     Freeman's Clothing Center held it's annual November 17 sale, only to see the hype and anticipation ruined by what eyewitnesses describe as a 'hooded individual.' As the store delayed opening its doors, the suspect leaped through a storefront window and began terrorizing employees. 
    "He was crazy," Chell, an employee of the store said. "He kept leaping around the store and screeching. He must have been on drugs." The eyewitness went on to say that he didn't become violent until approached.
    Things turned grisly as the store manager attempted to defuse the situation. The suspect subsequently pounced on an elderly employee of the store and began tearing at the man with his hands. The employee was rushed to Mercy Hospital, but pronounced dead soon after.   
    The suspect remains at large and is wanted for murder, breaking and entering and the theft of several dozen hooded jackets.


How to be a Ninja Assassin in MW2

    After much experimentation, I have become a ninja assassin in Modern Warfare 2.

     Now the first step in becoming a ninja assassin, or "ninassin" for all you texters out there, is to never use bullets. Anyone who has ever played this game knows how useless they are anyway. Step two is to get a tac knife. Now some people might be saying "but Driving, you can't get a tac knife without using bullets. Does this mean I have to use the crappy default class?" The answer is no. Never use the default class. Each ninja's blade must be unique (within the five guns it's available for). Little known fact, if you depress all buttons and both thumbsticks while holding a handgun, you will throw your handgun. This works like direct impact. 
    Once you have your tac knife, set up the following class. Handgun with tac knife, smoke grenades, throwing knife with Marathon, Danger Close and Ninja. Marathon and Ninja are to run silently.  Ninja also makes you invisible to heartbeat sensors because you will have surgically removed your heart.  But the most important perk is Danger Close. When your ninja assassin awesomeness explodes all over your enemies, you'll want it to have a wider blast radius.
    The next step is to camp at a high point on a map, like the cliff on Afghan. Snipers rarely look here because they are too busy running around using thirty-plus pound weapons as sub-machine guns. Your back is exposed here, but it doesn't matter. Ninjas hide in plain sight.
     In a typical Free-For-All match of eight people anywhere from 2 to 2.5 of these players will not be camping. When these people run below you, leap off the cliff and skewer your wanna-be opposition. Don't worry about the fall damage. Ninjas always land on their feet. 
    In team games, it is your job as a ninja assassin to get behind enemy lines and mess people up. Deploy the smoke and attack with throwing knives. DO NOT use your tac knife for team filler. That special blade is reserved for the best player on the team. Kill everyone with the throwing knife before you tac knife him for the Counter-MVP challenge. Rinse and Repeat even without more smoke grenades. Odds are it won't matter anyway. Usually the enemy team is so overwhelmed by the ninja awesomeness that everyone quits out after the first stealth mass assassination.
   This is the path is becoming a Ninja Assassin. Walk it carefully.


My Random and Probably Not Interesting MW2 Notes of the Week

     I've jumped back on the Modern Warfare 2 wagon this week and I learned a few things. These things are not interesting.
     1. When I need to clear a room, there is an 87% chance I will flash or stun myself and die. New goal: flash and stun myself followed by a humiliating death. Still a better use of One Man Army than infinite grenade launcher rounds.
     2. When I'm attempt to drop a nuke, it is universal law that I must die at 24 kills. When Hardline is in effect a petition will be submitted and passed that requires my death at 23.  This law was enforced 17 times across two days.  This law also contains a clause that states that matches must end when I am 24-0. 
    3. The TMP is in fact useful. In hardcore modes with extended mags this instrument of hatemail will win.  The F2000 remains useless under any and all circumstances.
    4.  Hardcore matches on Fuel must begin with a threat to teammates. Anyone getting in the rock must be merciless team killed.
    5. I unlocked the silver skull stun and flash titles opposite of what I should. It took completing the 75 stun kills challenge across 2 prestiges for me to notice.
    6. I hate the people on my friends list when we play hardcore. My self-esteem cannot take the punishment of them going 22-7 while I carry the load at 7-22.
  That's this week's edition of non-interesting MW2 things that happened to me. Check back next week for volume 2, which I will be too lazy to write.

  • 11 results
  • 1
  • 2