Unprofessional Fridays: 02/27/2015
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There's a word for games like The Order: 1886. Rental.
Ten years later, this frustrating follow-up to Canvas Curse feels shallow and soulless by comparison.
The chaos and fun of Saints Row is fully intact in the underworld, but a new setting can only go so far.
What can I say about Naughty Bear? I can say that it is a Xbox 360 video game. I cannot say that it tastes like pineapple. Now that the stupidest three sentences ever written are over, I can move onto Naughty Bear. In this game you take control of Naughty Bear, a bear suffering from self-esteem issues. Thanks to lifelong issues like increasingly odorous arm pits and violent diarrhea, Naughty has been shunned by the other bears of...that one...the island of...that place in the game. I'll level with you, I don't remember the island name. I also don't remember where I left my Driver's License this morning, but that didn't stop me from driving. Use the same logic with this game. Anyway, Naughty strikes back the way any well adjusted individual does; he participates in active dialogue with the other bears, detailing how they hurt his feelings and seeking to find a middle ground. Game quests include finding a sharing stick that allows for a single bear to speak in the "sharing circle," writing formal apologies, and creating mini-games that promote trust among the bears. After that tutorial, the game really picks up by allowing Naughty to fight back against robots, alien invaders and "zombears." Unfortunately for Naughty, all of his trust-building exercises are useless once the enemies of the game begin using mind control on his friends. Naughty is then forced to kill his friends, each more heartbreaking than the last. The developers emphasized realism during these action sequences by allowing the player to build a mausoleum to honor departed friends. Seeing my dead bear friends, filled me with a kind of rage that only Sylvester Stallone can express.
At the advice of my lawyers, I'm starting a new series. I heard reviews are kind of interesting, but I read a few and they have one glaring flaw: logic. And objectivity. That's two things, proving that logic has no place here. Call of Duty 2 is about killing people. I'm not sure who because the names kept changing. First it's the Germans, which fits because the one book I've read said something about a war in the 1940s. Then it's Krauts, which I assume the AI meant to say Claus, speaking of Santa Claus, but I'm not sure that fits entirely. Then it's Jerrys, and based on the number of enemies in this game, Europe has no imagination in naming their children. Anyway, the point is you're supposed to shoot a lot of these differently named enemies. You also have grenades, but unless they are standing on the grenades, your enemies will prove to be invulnerable to explosions two feet to the left. The weapons at the player's disposal are time specific, proving that the allied forces do not have access to a time machine as I originally expected. This flaw in the war machine is much more apparent when the player has to wait for his eyes to adjust to darkness rather than using night vision. On the highest difficultly, the enemies become advanced cyborgs capable of pulling off miracle shots and instantly mass producing grenades and throwing them in increments of a 1000. On many occasions they will also become invulnerable to bullets, meaning one enemy is a handful. Fortunately, during in any fight the player will only be confronted by 769 enemies. But don't take my word for it. Here avid video game reviewer Les Grossman plays the role of enemy forces and Flaming Dragon takes on the role of the average gamer.
Thanks dude. Love L4D stuff.
Dear Diary, How are you doing? I'm doing great since I found other survivors. Francis, Bill and Zoey are just about the best people you could possibly ask for during a zombie apocalypse. At first I was a little worried that we wouldn't mesh and everyone would be eaten. But now everything is going to be a-okay! This little group has killed every zombie along the way and we just keep having more fun! Although it is a little annoying that Bill is such a pessimistic guy. He constantly thinks we're going to die. He needs to lighten up and think positive! It's just like when I didn't think I'd find that last unicorn sticker for my collection and then BAM! there it was in the last pack. You know, I'm really liking this sub-machine gun. Maybe my calling in life is to kill zombies. Think about it, I was a middle management type, maybe gonna end up with a white picket fence, a wife and a cute little puppy! Don't get me wrong, that would be fun (OMG!) but this zombie killing thing is starting to be a lot of fun! I'm getting to meet new and exciting new people, visit exotic locations and I get to release all the pent-up anger I have! Yay for me! And since I'm writing this diary on my work laptop, I can put in some video of things that help me stay positive. Like this video that I think symbolizes our teamwork!
I'm getting torched for Mile High. I was pretty excited to beat it.
I agree. Everything is better with monkeys.
Little known fact: I’m pretty well connected in the gaming industry. No, I’m not talking about my 28 loyal GiantBomb followers, of which three or four of you have actually read my blog. I’m talking connections with high ranking personnel within every major gaming publisher and developer in the world. That’s why through extensive use of blackmail and bribery, I am able to bring you a list of cancelled games that were slated for release this holiday season.
Boy Band Hero: Activision put this puppy into development following Band Hero’s success, banking on sales from customers feeling nostalgia towards the late nineties or heavy drug use. Planned as a multi-platform title, it was later switched to an Xbox 360 exclusive to capitalize on Kinnect compatibility, allowing players to dance like confirmed artists NSYNC, The Backstreet Boys, O-Town and others.
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Expansion: Before all Hell broke loose at Infinity Ward, there were plans to make an expansion. It would include lost scenes from the single player campaign, 20 new multiplayer maps and 10 new Spec-Op missions. Instead the single player scenes have been scrapped and the maps have been broken up into four new map packs. No word on the Spec-Op missions, because despite what most people say, those people would rather have map packs.
Left 4 Dead DLC: I had a snappy one liner for the seemingly endless delay of this planned DLC. However, as I was typing the sentence Valve’s legal department swarmed my house like the undead. Now I’m legally obligated to provide a link to the “Valve Time” web page. So…yeah. Doesn't mean I have to make it clickable. Take that, legal system! http://developer.valvesoftware.com/wiki/Valve_Time
Jane Eyre: EA struck gold with by turning classic literature into a video game with Dante’s Inferno, and quickly made plans to bleed the market dry. With an Inferno sequel already in the works, Jane Eyre was pegged as video game material, due to its high hack and slash potential. EA hasn't found a developer yet, so it was shelved.
Condemned 3: Broken Blood Vessel: Sega wanted to put out a game this holiday season without Sonic and thought the name sounded cool and lent itself well to the ‘Bloodshot’ subtitle of the second game. Then Sega remembered they used to make sound business decisions.
Eat, Pray, Love: Amaze Entertainment made the Night at the Museum game, which four people in the entire world wanted. With such a high bar to clear, Amaze acquired the rights to the upcoming Julia Roberts flick, with an eye towards a holiday release to coincide with the DVD release. Unfortunately, no gameplay ideas were conceived and Eat, Pray, Love was shelved.
Candy Land: Headed to the Xbox Live Arcade, players will feel the adrenaline rush that only pressing a button to flip a card can provide.
Use your keyboard!
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