By DrRandle 4 Comments
I've Better Things to Do by Randy Marr
I wanted to like Henry Hatsworth, I really did. I love 2D platformers enough that I'm almost always willing to give one a try. Panel de Pon (Planet Puzzle League, Pokemon Puzzle League, Tetris Attack... take your pick) is one of my favorite puzzle games out there, and with it being the basis of the puzzle half of this puzzle-platformer (puzzle puzzle puzzle, in case I haven't said it enough), I thought we were getting somewhere. Top it all off with an undeniably awesome paintjob of old men who like to explore random ass locations in search of golden pants and what have you, well it sounds like a match made in heaven.
Until you find out that it was actually concocted by Satan himself.
Like I said, I wanted to like this game. For a while I kept telling myself "no no, this game is really better than the sum of it's unreasonably mediocre parts." But by the time I reached world 4-6, the illusion was over and all that remained was the harsh fact of reality: I'm not finishing this game.
Calling it, dead on the table, 5:46 AM (sweet, sweet insomnia). A boss fight with some decrepid old dude being weilded by a gigantic nurse (which is awesome on paper) left me broken and disillusioned with Henry Hatsworth. This boss fight was simply poorly designed. I've played through Gradius games that pulled less bullshit. But when I'm getting hit by attacks from accross the room, then pinned in a corner and having random pills raining down upon me with no where to hide... I'm just too aggrivated to care. But that wasn't the clincher: I finally get Nursezilla and her immobile companion down to a third of the health bar and suddenly her attacks cause these icicle shards to rain down (in the middle of an underwater fortress, mind you.) I think "Well, whatever, let's just dodge these suckers." Only to find that 3 of the 4 of them have completely crippled my puzzle screen. For those unfamiliar with the game mechanics, that completely removed my ability to charge up my special abilities, regain health, or power up my shots. Then the game decided this bossfight was in dire need of more underwater combat.
Because you know, underwater combat, that hasn't sucked in roughly every game ever.
So now every action I make is painfully slowed, and the fat nurse is just bouncing around the screen coughing up pills that mutate into sword-wielding monsters. It's just too much for me, without the use of my puzzle to power up, to handle. I've played a lot of frustrating and clunky games before (*Cough*aloneinthedark*Cough*), but I've learned that at this point: I don't have to. I have a stack of almost 30 games that need beating, and I'm done wasting my time on this one. It wasn't even that fun to start with. The platforming was mediocre, the combat was slow and boring (having to do the same combo for 30 seconds on EVERY ENEMY is not fun), and having to stop every 2 minutes to clear out the puzzle on the bottom just makes for a tedius stop-and-go game that ultimately I decided just needed to stop.
Fortunately, I don't get any payment to write reviews, I just do them as a hobby. So if you want, consider this a review that I'm not going to score. I don't recommend this game, straight up. Get Kirby and Planet Puzzle League instead. Get two DS's and just switch between them every five minutes, if you really need to get your fix of a game like this.
Greasy insomnia please release me,
and let me dream about making mad love on the heath;
tearing off tights with my teeth.
Faithless - Insomnia
Satan from Shin Megami Tensei II in demon form. sa