By DrRandle 18 Comments
They're Not Fooling Anyoneby Randy Marr
Because it's almost Halloween, and because kids these days love lists, I decided that the two need to come together and grant me victory over The Internet. Everybody else has their "Top 10 Scariest Games" lists, but those are pointless. We all know that Fatal Frame is god damned terrifying, so let's move on, shall we?
Pyramid Head might be a big, scary monster, but that's because he was supposed to be; he was headlining a Silent Hill game. What's truly frightening is how many times a video game character comes along, who's supposed to be all cute and cuddly, and goes completely the opposite direction: instead they make Pyramid Head seem safe.
- Amigo: Monkeys may not be terrifying. But when they're hoped up on speed and wielding maracas "like deadly weapons," according to his Giant Bomb page, Amigo is to be frightened. And what's more frightening than Amigo? His god damned world. It's like a kid's cartoon as seen through a nightmare filter. Everything is alive, wide-eyed, and staring at you, and you're pretty sure that the Sun himself is going to eat you. If that monkey doesn't tear your face off first.
- Mr. Game and Watch: Oh, how adorable, he even has a "Mr." to try and prove that he's human. In reality, he is a cruel mockery of humanity that only Lovecraft could have dreamed about. Bound by only two of our three dimensions, Mr. Game and Watch could be Mr. Game and Watching you right now, and you'd never know it, because he's standing sideways. The last thing you would hear before he consumed your soul into his bucket of nightmares is a loud beeping sound, echoing forever in your afterlife of torment. And worst of all: He just might be the reincarnation of Cthulhu. Don't believe me? How about after you see this:
- Dog: Man's best friend in the wake of an alien appocalypse, you might think Dog is aways there to back you up. This giant robotic... well, it's not really a dog shape; it's more like an ape. But it acts like a dog, which makes you think it'll stay loyal, right? WRONG. This is the fucking apocalypse here, and we don't have time to maintain our pet robot monstrocities. It's only a matter of time before that thing short-circuits and rises up against it's human masters. And I'm not sure even Gorden "the Free Man" Freeman has enough firepower to send Cyber-Cujo to Robot Hell.
- Timmy and T ommy Nook: The spawn of my arch nemesis, Tom Nook, (or I guess one of his siblings, because they're technically his nephews), these two freaks are pulled right out of The Shining. Don't believe me? 1: They're twins. 2: They speak in slightly out-of-synch unison. 3: That glossy, dead-eyed stare they both have. "Come play with us, An imal Crossing Boy. Forever, and ever." Isn't there a corn field somewhere these two should be menacing?
- Tingle: Never in a video game was I so sure I was going to be raped, than the first time I met this spandex-wearing thirty-something year old man in a dark alley of a mysterious alternate world. Just... Gah, just look at him! The police are going to have to study his maps to find out where he buried my cold, lifeless body, along with the hundreds of other children. It's no wonder this man isn't allowed inside Clock Town. And it's no wonder he was arrested in Wind Waker. Oh did I forget to mention that? He's also apparently IMMORTAL. And pan-dimensional. Either that or his balloons are actually a TARDIS from which he can stalk Link in any of his various incarnations. I would say, at best, this is a guy who has just gone off the deep end, and I expect him to go Postal any moment.
So what other video game characters terrify you, even though they probably shouldn't? Feel free to drop 'em in the comment section below.
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