Some reflections ahead of Patrick's upcoming playthrough(s)

Hi I'm dudeglove, and I have a confession to make. It's not one I'm particularly proud of...

and 17 friends at least too

...but yes, that is 385 hours on that clock. It's my most- played game on Steam next to Team Fortress 2, although the amount of time I've spent on TF2 is negligible given shitty connections, waiting for maps to load/updates etc. Basically I don't think I've played a game quite so much in, well, ever. It even beats my Dark Souls time (console + PC combined), but I tend to obsessively look up stupid videos and crappy gifs about that game rather than actually play it.

SOLAIRE PLZ

For those who have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm talking about, The Binding of Isaac is a 4-way twin stick top down shooter with quasi-randomly generated (or "rogue-like") levels, the plot of which revolves around a naked child escaping from his abusive mother through a trapdoor into the basement where he defeats various ghastly enemies by shooting his own tears at them. Basically imagine if you took Dave Pelzer's "A Child Called It", laced it with references to Catholicism, and gave it a cartoony aesthetic and the same basic controls and gameplay as Smash TV, you'd end up with Binding of Isaac.

Initially it was a joke, but the more I think about it, there are actually a few parallels with Pelzer's book. Also fuck the Duke of Flies.

I don't think I've even spent that much time on any of the Final Fantasies (although also contestable because I vividly remember maxing out the clock on quite a few of them, which is at approximately the 255 hour mark). The thing is this: most of those 300 hours or so of Isaac? I barely remember any of them. Before the Wrath of the Lamb DLC emerged (and in my opinion, severely unbalanced the game, but more on that later), I had already spent about 150 hours on the damn thing, pretty much clearing the pre-DLC version of the game.

I took a hiatus after about 250 hours of playing, around about when I finally managed what I thought was "enough". By that I mean I had unlocked almost every item and character e.g. getting the D6 for Isaac via beating The Chest with Blue Baby is potentially the hardest, most final-est challenge the game can throw at you, with the exception of two achievements, which were beating The Womb and Sheol without getting hit once.

Astute readers may have noticed the "Platinum God!" achievement in the first image above. And yes, your subsequent internet deduction is correct: I did eventually resort to using Cheat Engine (the current tables out there are pretty solid, but be warned about using infinite item power excessively, it will crash the game) so that I could freeze the HP, as the Womb and Sheol achievements are just plain bullshit seeing as there are enemies whose attacks shoot through solid surfaces or they rush straight at you the moment you walk into a new room, or both. Outside of that, everything else in the game was done through legit means and occasionally looking up the wiki wondering what bullshit item from the DLC I'd just picked up did (again, more on that later).

With all that in mind, you're probably wondering what the actual appeal of Isaac is? Well, like a lot of games, it makes skillful use of Skinner box techniques, and completing the game "once" doesn't reward you with the full ending or anything even close to that. Each time you run through to killing Mom, more stuff gets added to the game - both in terms of items and new areas - even if you die on the way there. The main things that generate unlocks are:

  • beating certain bosses/Mom to open up deeper levels
  • using certain items enough times e.g. using several Tarot cards will unlock the "Deck of Cards" item, or collecting enough coins or using enough bombs on rocks
  • using certain characters to beat the game.
  • completing special challenges

Hell even dying enough times, or not picking up enough items results in unlocks. If you lump in the DLC, there are about 200 collectibles and six characters to unlock altogether, but it doesn't end there. Interestingly, and I thought this was a bit of a dick move on the game's part (but in hindsight made total sense), after your fourth or fifth successful run, the game immediately switches it up to hard mode, where enemies take more hits and move faster. By that point you're already "used" to the game, so mixing things up helps keeps you in a good spot for the next five playthroughs (at which point you start to encounter the "real" final bosses, such as battling your way through to Mom's Heart, Satan and... somebody else).

The real joy of this game for me lay in the fact that Isaac is one of the best time wasters out there. The reason I don't remember most of those 300 hours or so of Binding of Isaac is because I usually had the game windowed while watching GB quicklooks on the other side of my screen, or listened to podcasts or anything other than the game. After the first twenty hours or so, with no offense to Baranowsky (who did Super Meat Boy's excellent soundtrack as well), I switched off all audio. I'd entered that odd situation of wanting to watch and do two things at once, and Binding of Isaac was the right amount of distraction, but not distracting enough. It's a great game to play if you don't want to play what might be considered a proper "game". Its beauty lies in its initial simplicity and, well, all the random number generators determining the drops.

But where does it all go wrong?

The Wrath of the Lamb DLC, basically, which I was at first more than hyped for even though the weird-ass trailer didn't really resemble the game in any meaningful way.

The most dramatic changes brought in by WotL were:

  • New enemies/bosses
  • New level layouts
  • New items

Now straight off the bat, a lot of the new enemies felt like leftovers from the cutting room floor, both in terms of visuals and general AI behavior. To use fancy-pants design terminology, a lot of designs didn't "read" as well from a distance or at a glance. By that I mean their appearance was vague or indistinct in comparison to most of the other solid enemy designs. In terms of AI, some enemies, specifically the leaper-spider-head things, have borked jumping distances and for reasons I could never nail down in those 100 hours of Isaac DLC wanderings, their attacks always felt completely untelegraphed or unfair, which is exacerbated by the second point, while the "new" bosses were closer to remixed versions of existing bosses, and just had a few more deathbeams attached to them.

The new level layouts randomly give existing ones a "darker" version e.g. "the Basement" becomes "the Cellar", with the notable difference being cobwebs scattered everywhere that slow you (AND ONLY YOU) down, and with certain newer enemies (such as aforementioned shithead leapers) more likely to appear. Prior to the DLC, environmental hazards like spikes or fires affected both you and the enemy to the same degree, but not with cobwebs. At least Spelunky's cobwebs have the good grace to disappear after wading through them more than once. This goes against the previously established ethic Isaac had about various hazards. Worse still is that, not only are your shots affected by cobwebs, but also if you're flying, you still get slowed down which I really had to call bullshit on. Levels also now come in different versions, such as a "big" variant, or an "XL variant" (which has two bosses and ultimately counts as doing all of the basement/caverns/etc in one go.) or a "cursed" version, wherein the metroidvania worldmap is removed from the player HUD (but, really, if you have a pen and paper at hand, it's still easy to sketch out if you even need to).

Finally the new items added in a number of partially passive collectibles called "trinkets" which, much like some of the new regular items were either quite useless, or completely overpowered. The main difference is you can only hold onto one at a time (unless you pick up another item that increases trinket space). A relatively easy exploit is using the "bloody penny" in an arcade room, where you'll always find a blood bank machine and two things to waste coins on (both of which generate hearts/coins/bombs/keys). Using the blood bank machine hits you for half a heart of damage, but in return gives you some money. With the bloody penny equipped, any money you pick up has a chance to generate half-hearts to restore your health. With that money, you can then gamble on the machines to get a chance at even more hearts, until either the blood bank explodes, or the gambling devices explode/disappear as well. Regardless, by that point, even if you're not playing as Cain or have collected the luck foot, you will have accumulated so many hearts/coins/bombs/keys anyway that you're set for the rest of the game.

Now I'm not an Internet crazy person, I certainly know some people who could qualify, but I almost want to accuse the Isaac makers of fucking with the random number generators in the DLC specifically so that the new items would appear more often. When I said before that the new items were overpowered or useless, it's mostly because I was seeing them so goddamn frequently. The number of times I got the technology 2 + freeze effect combo in that time was suspicious at best, and the novelty wore off after the first couple of instances, because every enemy is stopped dead in its tracks by it. By the same token, I learned to avoid picking up the new Ipecac tear power-up (which looks too damn similar to the Chemical Burn power up - and one that's actually useful), because it just plain fucks up your shots by turning them into hard-to-aim lobbed explosives.

As a result, the DLC seemingly did two things at once - it made the game needlessly and unjustly frustrating, while at the same time trivialized the experience with a lot of the new items. Of course, you still needed to earn those items through the usual means mentioned above, but somewhere along the line it became less fun to do so, as the process had become watered down.

So where do we go from here?

Prattling on any more about Isaac will result in this post ending up as some sort of strategy guide, although I'm happy to give Klepek and anyone else whose read this far and is interested in playing some beginner's tips, which are:

  • There's always a secret room per level accessed by bombing the center of a wall. Secret rooms usually connect to 3 or even 4 rooms and usually contain coins, other times an item or a vending machine/beggar. If you are low on keys, but high on bombs, try bombing rooms adjacent to item rooms or shops in order to get access without having to spend keys.
  • Keys should be saved for item rooms first, shops second.
  • Tears have odd but very specific physics on them. You can't exactly "curve" or "aim" your shots per se (although some powerups can), but moving in a certain direction and firing at the right time allows you to get out of some hairy situations where you might need to take cover.
  • Be on the lookout for oddly-colored blocks. Bombing them usually drops soul hearts, or bombs, or coins, sometimes even a chest.
  • Bombs can be moved by your tears.
  • Most items have a cool down period that get recharged after a certain number of enemy encounters. Bear this in mind if you want to use something that lets you fly for the duration of one room, like for avoiding acid attacks on a floor during a boss fight for instance.

And most importantly

  • Play it without the DLC first.

If it gets you hooked, give the WotL DLC a try. Good luck with Binding of Isaac, Patrick!

12 Comments

Player Agency Gone Wild, Or, Why You Should Play Dark Souls (And Why You Probably Shouldn't?)

Given Vinny's recent and (depending on time of viewing this blog) ongoing quasi-Endurance Run-esque Load Our Last Souls series of vids wherein he picks up where he left off from playing Dark Souls, which can basically be summarized with this bombcast extract...

...I feel as though it's time I should explain to any of you reading why Dark Souls is - at least for me - one of the best games I've ever played. To do so I will be primarily focusing on the user-generated content coming from the community From Software spawned. By that I mostly mean posting a bunch of YouTube videos with a few hundred words thrown in to appease the mods.

But... but... why write any of this? Because, well, Dark Souls is one of those rare titles that has somehow extended beyond a singular experience. The world that was crafted, which you can read about in great detail from the horse's mouth, courtesy of GB user @7force who went to a good deal of effort to translate from Japanese the Dark Souls Design Works Translation (which you can absolutely start reading here on the site!) - a frank group interview with several of the creative leads wherein they go into extensive detail about the characters/environment/mechanics and reveal a lot of stuff you might not necessarily see or hear from "bigger" titles (by that I mean the Call of Duties and Grand Theft Autos of this world).

What From Software had generated was something genuinely engaging, and the knock-on effect of this has resulted in an entire sub-culture emerging, populated by weird and wonderful individuals devoted to - at one end of the spectrum - either unraveling the mystery of Lordran and its medieval Valhalla setting...

...or - at the other - breaking the fourth wall and fucking with other players.

Before reading any further, I highly suggest playing Dark Souls! Even though the Internet hammered away at it, resulting in 99.9% of the secrets being discovered and every element analyzed to several undeaths, there's still satisfaction to be had from the game. On face value, Dark Souls is ostensibly an adventure game with Dungeons & Dragons leanings. You are the Chosen Undead, whose task is to save the world. There are swords to swing, and demons and dragons to be slain in fantastical settings, but there is so much more. You've heard that it's a punishing game, and it is -

Poor Vinny :(

- but you learn from your mistakes and genuine satisfaction is derived from overcoming the various obstacles the game literally throws at you. In its latest incarnation on the PC, it can be bolstered (via DSFix and other mods) to look and play absolutely brilliantly in comparison to its console cousins.

Secondly, it might not be clear to some reading what's meant by the title of "Player Agency Gone Wild". What I mean by "player agency" is essentially the level of influence (or "agency") someone playing a game has on the game itself, and to an extent whether the game (or any other player involved) reacts accordingly. I fully realize that's a vague definition, and agency manifests itself in all sorts of ways, not to mention the fact that it varies from game to game. Some might describe it in other terms as "player choice" - no, that doesn't mean Mass Effect dialog option wheels - in the sense that a game with good agency will allow the player to approach and overcome certain scenarios in a variety of ways. Bear in mind not every game needs huge levels of agency either, it's more that the greater point surrounding it is whether or not a game has its foot firmly on the player's throat, limiting their every action and bottlenecking you down a critical path.

It's an extremely tricky balance, because shattering the illusion of agency is all too easy to do, and there are plenty of other staffers out there far more capable of debating the topic. To me, Dark Souls provides the player with what I would describe as the "right amount" of agency. At an extremely simple level, there is more than one way to get through the game, and the tools for doing so are almost always within reach - the rest is up to the skill of the player to find those tools and use them accordingly. For instance, you might feel slighted by the game for being brutally kicked off into a dark abyss by a giant skeleton like Vinny did, but you later realize that he's only got himself to blame for thinking he could simply waltz through.

Thirdly, it should be noted that, yes, some of this might verge into spoiler territory, but the things I've chosen hopefully won't ruin the entire experience. The list is by no means exhaustive either. Take it, perhaps, as an alternative introduction to those beginner threads. I'm not telling you how to play the game (no, you don't need the drake sword, seriously), I'm telling you why others have and continue to, and why you should (and perhaps probably shouldn't?). Dark Souls stands up as a glorious shining example that - holy crap - the real "worth" of video games doesn't lie in bullshit reactionary remarks to criticism like "Oh, it increases the brain's learning capacity" or nonsense about hand-eye coordination. Noooo... Dark Souls has been a font of inspiration for many to come together, to dig deeper, to create, and - in more than one case - to act like a gigantic douche. And I'm here to present you with proof.

Introduction: In Depth Interpretation

Before we delve into complete nonsense, it might be worth noting that VaatiVidya only started his channel after the PC version was released and in less than a year he's already hit more than 100k subs. Of course, he's not the only user involved with "lore" videos (there are others such as EpicNameBro heavily involved in generating content concerning the story of Dark Souls), but I rather enjoy Vaati's take on the fiction - scant as it is - more than the others. Maybe it's the level of production; maybe I just like the sound of his voice. One thing he delves into is the cut content of Dark Souls and through crafty use of mods allowing him control of camera angles and what not, weaves short machinimas out of things that never even made it into the final version.

And yes, if that's not enough for you, of course there are others who have simply posted videos trawling through the game files scraggling for every bit of content possible. Obviously.

Part 1: "Playing" The Game...

Somehow, Dark Souls has turned out to be a surprisingly popular game to stream via Twitch. The video above, part of Lobos Jr.'s "S&M Challenge" run (no, really, the rules are leather armor and whips only), shows off in the space of about 20 seconds what happens to probably every single person who's ever played this game at some point. Lobos has played this game so many ways. He has even played the game blindfolded

Pinwheel can't catch a break, ever, it seems.

Part 2: ...Then Breaking What You Thought Were The Rules

After a while of playing Dark Souls, you might get to a point where to you start to see time-saving short cuts here and there. And then you come across someone like Xskulled, who figures out the true limits of what can and can't be done in this game, then puts on a set of dumb equipment and starts leaping all over the place.

Or on a less showy note, vageta311 went to the trouble of perfectly demonstrating how to sequence-break your way through several points in the game.

So far these are just examples of players investigating the game's environment, we haven't even factored in other human beings yet.

Part 3: Fuck Environment, Let's PvP

One of the best features of Dark Souls is its multiplayer. Player vs Player comes in two basic forms. At one end you can be summoned and help a player defeat a boss. At the other end is invading someone else's world to prevent them from doing so, such as RedRosie invading Sen's Fortress with an obscenely large weapon and getting the jump on people in an already trying environment. It's cruel, really.

And pretty much anything in between goes. For example, players will intentionally act as fight club "hosts" and let invading red "phantoms" duel one another for everyone's amusement.

And yes, there are countless character builds that go way beyond simply wearing the same armor as one of the NPCs like Solaire. Honestly, what did you think would happen if you gave people like GrimDisaster the opportunity to play dress up as Greek Spartans? Pfft.

Then there are those rare few builds that have spawned a host of memes - the most famous of which is probably OnlyAfro's "GiantDad", which has become infamous as a sort of cookie-cutter PvP griefer build that regularly appears in other videos:

Again, all of what you've seen so far is the sort of basic thing that happens when you give filthy players the ability to do so, and we're not even at the best/worst part yet.

Part 4: Fuck PvP, Let's Use The Environment

So you want to PvP, sort of, but don't want to fight directly? Maybe it's time to put that Undead Rapport pyromancy spell to good use for once and turn the tide against invading phantoms who thought they had the upper hand?

Or maybe you're like Hugh G. Reaction and want to mod the PC version to make your character look like Sonic the Hedgehog and use the actual environment itself?

Forget dark magic; beware the elevators of Oolacile.

Part 5: Fuck It, Let's Do Both And Pretend To Actually Be The Game?

So perhaps you've sank hundreds of hours into the game, exhausted everything you get out of being summoned and dueling other players, what else is there for you to do? It seems pretty obvious that you should just become part of the game itself and pretend to either be an NPC in your own world...

...or invade other player's world's dressed up as certain NPCs and roleplay as them.

It's trolling, essentially, but it's a form of trolling that I can get behind. Or maybe you want to reenact a boss fight, except you don't have the equipment to do so? How's about a ganker's bootleg version of Ornstein & Smough in the forest instead?

Part 6: No Fuck AllThat, Let's Play Our Own Game Within A Game

Wait, you've really exhausted everything there is to do. Right? But you still want to play the game. So you think, fuck it, let's make up your own rules altogether. Enter PvP bingo, spearheaded by streaming players such as OroboroTheNinja.

This is typical of what you might sometimes hear as "artificial difficulty" in regards to Dark Souls. Basically it means that players have gone through the game so much that - as you can see from the bingo sheet - they will actively create their own arbitrary challenges and/or limit themselves because, well, Dark Souls, I guess? Surely we've ran out of ways to play the game, right?

Parte Siete: ¡Has Muerto!

Nope.

Conclusion: "Why Are You Doing This?"

And then you embrace the darkest soul of all. Now before watching the final video, I want you to know that it is flat-out my favorite clip of all, because it symbolizes everything right about Dark Souls. I'm not sure I can fully parse into words what I mean by "right", but this last vid is, like, some sort of singularity. Behold the true power Dark Souls has on players.

What we think of initially as just another basic low-level invasion of the Undead Parish in a matter of seconds becomes something altogether different. We see the invader abusing what happens to the character animation when you hold two bows without arrows and alternating between R2/RT and L2/LT. We see hosts and white phantoms flailing against a naked bald invader who poses absolutely no threat, yet is somehow more annoying than anything else the game could ever throw at them. "Why are you doing this?" messages one player to the invader feebly. Is it even worth answering?

The invading Darkwraith phantom stalks one of his prey, already weary of his behavior, throughout the level, continuing the mocking dance and impeding their attempts to open up the portcullis. And then we see the greatest moment of all - the truest moment of agency this game affords the player on the host's part. What the final host chooses to do is no longer be party to any of this and willingly throws himself off a ledge. He no longer wishes to play according to the invader's rules, and crystallizes this by taking his own life, ending the Darkwraith's ability to terrorize his game. All to the tune of some obnoxious European electro-house music.

In all my years playing games, it's rare to come across such moments. Thanks for reading.

28 Comments

I have posted over 5000 times...

...and this was my 5000th

stay classy

Foolish, I know. I could have easily made this very blog post the 5000th, but that's, like, so 2009 (or whenever GB introduced the blog feature). And seriously? Five thousand? Bear in mind that doesn't take into account the number of times I've replied in PMs, meaning the true number is probably way higher than I'd care to admit.

Maybe 5000 isn't so bad over the course of two years. In that initial six month period boy did I lurk on the forums. I read all of your posts (not the blogs, mind, those things are so boring and self-righteous as shit). Tabs on firefox changed my life as I'd cycle through threads, hitting F5 and shift-clicking the shit out of the 10 newest topics on the main page, slowly but surely getting a glimpse of the bigger picture of the GB community. You know all those profile views you were getting? That was me, trawling through your earlier posts for nuggets of Internet gold.

And you what I saw? Of course you don't, which is why I'm going to tell you. You guys (and girls), really aren't all that bad. Sure some of you might over-react when some particular standout user periodically derails threads with wild remarks - and claim this place is worse than 4chan - but then a few months later you bemoan their absence once the mods finally ban his or her ass. You both hate the trolling yet feed off the flamebait at the same time. But don't worry, because another troll will always appear and that cycle will continue. Sometimes they start off on the wrong foot, but then the rest of the community sees the funny side and embraces their particular brand of internet goofery. Oftentimes they really are just plain dicks and no amount of @replies will ever change that.

That said, there is a decent sense of community here. Without pointing to any concrete examples - not that I would be allowed to - GB's forum goers are in general fairly good at self-policing. For instance:

- You're grsap, of grammer..punctiation & sytnax is definitely above average;

- A lot of you tend to get pissed when someone formats their posts in the most obnoxious way possible; and

- extremist remarks usually get shot down pretty quickly (although such discussions often devolve into name-calling or whatever, but the important thing is that the majority rails against such behavior, rather than foster it) i.e. overall you're not some crowd of far-rightwing illiterate skinheads

As a more general observation, almost everything outside of Off Topic & General Discussion is, like, super great. I was welcomed with open arms in the SSFIV forums and gleefully got my ass handed to me many times in private lobbies with fellow GBers. Advice, tactics, suggestions etc. all come through in a torrent if you ask for it. The number of How To... or stickied Guide threads on the sub forums is testament to this.

It's been a journey, folks, and one I hope doesn't end any time soon. Also, I'm still unconvinced that Brad isn't some sort of goddamned super troll; the whole "sucking at games" thing is a ruse, he probably gets some sort of sick gratification from the forum outrage. Anyway, here's to 5000 more.

TL;DR? You guys are pretty okay. Keep it up.

47 Comments

Deconstructing Dante Pt. II: E3 2011 Post-mortem

Big fat disclaimer: I wrote a blog http://www.giantbomb.com/profile/dudeglove/deconstructing-dante/30-78412/ a couple of months ago about the trailer for the latest entry to the Devil May Cry franchise. Taking the same approach as before, I have waited a bit for the uproar – if there even was one this time – from E3 2011 to die down.

So the following is a critique of the latest trailer in terms of gameplay and what I think the narrative might be. As I drone along I'll be referring to points from the previous blog.

Also second disclaimer:

In other words, none of this is final, but it might be fun to take a stab at analysis, rather than resorting to ignorant remarks like "huh new dante is twilight fag derp" (you can find those on YouTube if you so desire).

Here’s the video in question, which I spent far too long attempting to screen grab. Needless to say, I'll be referencing it a lot throughout.

Okay go:

Enemies

The bad: In the previous titles the first enemies you come up against are stumbling/shifting slightly-disproportioned cannon fodder that only have melee attacks.

Also, some big fat mini-boss dude charging Dante that, when dodged, probably stuns himself by slamming into a wall giving you a window of opportunity to fight back? Sigh.

The good: While the design appears lazy, they appear to have given the cannon fodder enemies different weapons meaning Dante will probably have to mix it up rather than just mashing away. Also...

Is that some sort of invisible concrete snake monster tearing up the streets? Count me in.

Environment

The bad: What? Old-European architecture and cobbled streets?

Looks like someone played Bayonetta beforehand.

Also, there's no footage of any platforming

The good: Oh ho! What's this we see in the cathedral section of the vid? Wide open spaces? Freely moving camera following the fighting up into the air ? You mean I'll be able to actually see what I'm attacking now instead of periodically getting fucked by some cheap attack off screen? IS THIS FEELING CALLED JOY?

Yes, granted this might not apply throughout the whole game, but it's certainly better than the shitty castle corridors of old. Also, did that fat mini-boss actually slam into the door? And did Dante just impale one of those mannequins against a wall?

Will the surroundings be more than just cosmetic and have a useful purpose for the player, as opposed to just some flat plane demarcated by invisible walls with occasional clipping issues that make no goddamn sense? Remember how Dante threw a car in the previous (albeit cinematic) trailer?

Weapons

The bad: The all purpose transforma-sword and the guns from the previous trailer are still present, but nothing else. Also, ask any gun aficionado and they tend to get annoyed by the representation of M1911 pistols in video games, because they're not actually that goddamn large at all.

The cover of previous Hitman games is looked down upon in particular. But hey, it looks cool... right? :|

The good: I made comments before about how farcical some of the swords in previous installments looked. Nero having a goddamn engine attached to his Red Queen sword wasn't exactly... subtle.

But look! Dante's new sword is fairly conservative in its standard appearance.

Yes yes and yes. Less is more. Shiny bits and whatever aren't necessary. But the whole transforma-sword business... Well, maybe it will be some kind of Mega-man/Metroid thing. Dante crushes some boss and his sword absorbs them (not a new concept, of course), granting new abilities and the like. Or part of the inevitable upgrade system. From here lets go into...

Combat

The bad(ish): Most of Dante's classic moves are back on display.

He's still got his juggles with the pistol...

...And the regular sword combo stuff.

Not to mention DMC3 & 4's trickster-style air dash.

But there's not much in the way of depth seen from other Capcom fighters and Bayonetta. By "depth" I mean dash cancels and various last second dodges/blocks (e.g. DMC3's Royal Guard style). Swiping away at the big groups all at once seems too God of War for my tastes...

The good:

...but all the same Dante seems to have more crowd control than previous titles both on the ground and in the air. Also, the Bayonetta-esque whip/grapple thing in mid air looks as though it will keep the combos going. No quick time events on display either... thank fuck.

That's all I want to say about the actual gameplay from the trailer. I'd like to turn to what kind of narrative the two trailers are teasing us with. There are several key moments in the clip at the start, where the walls have messages in blood smeared across them.

Then, soon after, Dante's world goes from being this gray back drop with some folk milling around...

...to all bright and colourful

With this change, certain things happen that piqued my attention. For instance, this security camera on the arch?

After the warp, it becomes some sort of CCTV monster.

And then less subtle things happen, such as the invisible concrete snake thing tearing up the streets, buildings crashing together and all the pews in the cathedral suspended in mid-air that return to their initial positions after the fighting ends.

So what does all this mean? Well, bearing in mind the previous trailer where Dante (if it truly is Dante) is being interrogated - or rather "psycho-evaluation treatment" as the narrator puts it - and seemingly going through tortured violent flashbacks, I think that Dante is going through psychotic episodes. I have this nagging idea in my mind that Capcom is trying to tell us Dante is suffering from some kind of mental disorder. Heck, it could even be something as innocent as lucid dreaming than just plain old schizophrenia. Well, why pursue such a plot line?

How about this for a stretch of the imagination - Dante is no longer fighting the demons around him, but rather the demons inside him manifesting themselves in his warped waking dream-state. If they want to be really edgy, it could end up that Dante is going around actually killing normal people, as if he's somehow being tricked like Hercules was into murdering his own family, hence him locked up Saw/Guantanamo Bay-style in the previous trailer. Yes, the "It was all just a dream" idea is hackneyed, but at least it's something other than the previous titles' lines of "This dude wants divine power and it's up to you to stop him!" Or he might even be being conditioned to do so by the bunch of people whoever locked him up in the first trailer. For one it would explain the "What is your name? What is your name?" spiel from the Tokyo Game Show reveal.

But that's not why you're really here. You want to know about the hair.

C'mon, people, the whole hair debacle was always going to get resolved by some plot device or gameplay element. In this case, Dante's hair drastically changes when he goes into what can only be assumed to be Devil Trigger mode in the trailer. Note that the surroundings around him become blurry and distorted as well, which I think backs up my psychotic dream theory. Don't forget that the previous trailer and other images have shown him to have a slight semblance of white hair on the crown of his head.

It's simple: over the course of the game, as Dante delves further and further into the dark recesses of his own mind and his powers increase, his hair colour changes accordingly. Capcom and Ninja Theory didn't show Dante with dark hair beforehand to piss you off - although some fanboys out there certainly did take it personal - they did it to build a base for the eventual plot.

...

I'm done for now. Overall, based on the two trailers, I can't find too much to viciously complain about in terms of gameplay, or the game in general. If anything, I'm genuinely positive about its upcoming release. The only thing missing currently in terms of plot is dialogue and extraneous characters - if there are any.

And one last thing you didn't see in the previous trailer:

The title formally revealed

Yep, it's a Devil May Cry game after all. Deal with it.

15 Comments

Deconstructing Dante

[Disclaimer - I have been holding off on this post for quite some time for two reasons: a) Quite a few people on the Internet are incredibly reactionary and immediately dismiss any contradictory opinions; and b) the Internet has a wonderfully short attention span. As a result, I can now stick this up without incurring as much wrath as I would have had I done so a few months back.]


In order to do any sort of reimagining regarding douchebag Dante and the DMC franchise, it’s probably best to break the game and its characters within down to the basic themes/concepts/things common in all four games of the series and then attempt to brainstorm back up from there. Now there’s a great temptation to omit DMC2 altogether from the argument because it was so colossally awful and nigh-on universally panned, not to mention being a complete departure in style for the series - and not in a good way. Quite a lot of fans prefer to block it from memory altogether, myself included.

Judging by forum posts, the majority of users here aren't exactly into the genre (though surely some of you out there played God of War?) but it might be fun to take a stab at it given the so-called "outrage" over the DmC trailer back at the 2010 Tokyo Game Show. For those uninitiated, the reaction was on the same level as when Sucker Punch rejigged Cole's look for InFamous 2's gameplay trailer reveal. They have since done a complete U-turn on it, and now the new Cole looks much more like the old, rather than someone closely resembling Nathan Drake's younger, nightclub drug-dealer brother...



So to preface here's the new Dante.



And lead designer Tameem Antoniades WHO BEARS ABSOLUTELY NO RESEMBLANCE TO THE NEW DANTE explains the reboot.



I've put waaaaaaay too much thought into this, and I've considered on more than one occasion just deleting this incoherent shit and moving on. But GDC is in full swing, so we might be hearing more about DmC in the coming days. Also, bear in mind that Capcom is taking a serious risk with this franchise by rebooting it. The worst that can happen (and may very well) is that they manage to alienate current fans without attracting a significant cache of new fans. So let's *drum roll* deconstruct Dante...

Design-y stuff:

 
 #1: General plot

Half-human, half-demon Dante runs a one-man demon-hunting mercenary outfit from a small, slightly run-down office. Antagonists are almost always focused on attainment of some sort of divine power and it's up to Dante to stop them (again). Writing is over the top and predictable. Characterization is next to nil. Setting is usually among vaguely Gothic architecture.

#2: Dante's character
 
Cocksure show-off who mouths off trash-talking wise-cracks prior to large-scale boss battles. Posture/swagger to match. He's not a particularly deep character, but the games don't demand it from him. The first installment has vague nods towards Dante having an Oedipus complex, with unintentionally hilarious results. Enjoys the company of ladies.

#3: Pre "DmC" depiction of Dante



- Red leather tailcoat; sleeves sometimes rolled up past forearm
- Black fingerless gloves
- Red or black/dark brown leather trousers with black waistcoat/vest
- White (sometimes floppy Kurt Cobain-esque) hair
- Belts and buckles galore (number and position varies from game-to-game)

#4: The handguns & sword

Both Dante’s custom twin M1911 semi automatic Ebony & Ivory pistols and his near full body length sword feature prominently on the box art, and are a staple of the series. Guns are holstered in the small of his back. Not exactly a practical place to put them, but it lets Dante whip them out in a spectacular fashion.

#5: Depiction of female NPCs

Neither recurring characters Trish (tight black corset)



nor Lady (hotpants and/or pleated mini-skirt - hard to tell)



are particularly conservative in terms of wardrobe.

#6: Level layout

Excruciatingly linear often in some badly designed castle with vague nods to Metroidvania - but not really, as the game is broken up into individual replayable chapters, so thankfully it's not open world. The first and fourth DMC suffered from the potential of getting lost wandering around Fortress 101 in the latter stages.

#7 Fixed camera angles

Self explanatory.

Gameplay stuff


#8: The difficulty

DMC as a franchise is notorious for its difficulty curve, with each playthrough unlocking harder modes for new game plus - the hardest being somewhat amusingly titled "Dante Must Die". Therein, however, lies the appeal and brings us on to the next point...

#9: The fighting system

DMC refers to itself as a 'stylish action' game, in that skillful variation in combos and a risk vs. reward system encourage the player to avoid taking damage whenever possible (especially on higher difficulties) but still keep the style meter running high. A good performance earns extra orbs, which can then be spent on the usual upgrades. As a result, it offers a fair amount of replayability (this is Capcom we're talking about - if they can't get fighting mechanics right then something is seriously wrong). Yes, orb-farming is grinding - though it is nowhere near as monotonous as it would be in JRPGs, nor is it essential to get through the game. Dante also possesses a Devil Trigger gauge. When activated it ups his movement speed, attack power and may also make a couple of other abilities available.

#10: Recurring enemies in vague order of appearance

- Stumbling shifting disproportioned Marionette-things: Slow cannon fodder. Spend a ridiculous amount of time telegraphing melee attacks. No ranged. Always in large groups.
- Grim reapers: Black cloaked flying ghosts with scythes that phase through the architecture. Often perform some sort of "blink" attack. Usually need to be taken down up close with a shotgun to the head.
- Lizards: Fast moving, humanoid in stature, charge from a distance with claw swipes. Some variants have ranged attacks. Dangerous in groups.
- Four-legged wolf-like nuisance: Usually has some sort of unexpected mid-range attack.

(There are several more enemies, of course, but these are pretty much the four main types you'll see throughout most of the games, albeit in different shapes and sizes.)

#11: Boss Fights

Large-scale, flashy and filled with Indian Jones and the Lost Ark-style orgasmic explosions. Bosses are almost always big demons that want vengeance for the actions of Dante's deceased demon knight father Sparda.

#12: Movement

Unlike what you've seen with Mario practically since day one of platformers, there is no momentum to Dante's movement. If you stop pushing the analogue stick he will almost always stop on a dime. When he [double] jumps, regardless of whether he was running normally or sped up in DT mode, he will always travel the same distance. The jump button *is* pressure sensitive from DMC3 onwards, however, so height /distance can vary slightly, but it's always exact.

#13 Sources of inspiration

Signs immediately point to John Woo and The Matrix (the latter predates the first game by a year or so) and various anime tropes. My knowledge of this particular sphere of Japanese culture is passing at best, nor have I seen DMC's animated series, but I think  the Laws of Super Robot Anime gives an easy-to-digest crash course (too big to post here), point 83 especially. In addition, Devil May Cry is allegedly a nod toward Alighieri's Divine Comedy; Dante's brother is called Vergil and Trish is sort of a diminutive form of Beatrice. Maybe it was some attempt on the developer's half to be seen as intellectual and justify the setting - who knows?

So of the above points, what needs to stay?


#3
I can't remember where I read it, but allegedly red is meant to be the 'good-guy' colour in Japan. So, the signature red coat stays. Buckles and belts need rid of altogether. Hair is debatable, but at least it isn't Space Marine.

#4
The guns. The sword needs toned down a little. Oh look, the DmC trailer has some sort of tentacle whip/lance thing. Huzzah!

#8
As said before, DMC's challenge and the enjoyment from it come from its difficulty. Yes, players might be getting their asses handed to them, but they're getting it handed in the right way. While it may be extreme, from experience it's rarely felt cheap - except when a bunch of those fucking lizards go super saiyan on you in Dante Must Die mode in a cramped space with a dodgy camera angle.

#9
In some cases the fighting system can be a little broken, and more than a couple of moves lie on the flashy rather than the pragmatic end of the scale - but overall Capcom has not failed on this front.

...And what really needs addressed?


#1
DMC games might have a ludicrous storyline, but it doesn't have to be bad. DMC3 managed to almost get it with the evil twin brother arc which, while hackneyed, stayed surprisingly strong from start to finish - not to mention the subplot concerning Lady and her antagonist father Arkham. Neither games 1, 2, nor 4 provided any incentive for the player to see the story unfold. As an aside I can barely remember what happened in 2, it really was that unengaging.

#5
When it comes to flesh-showing, less is more. Trish can still be voluptuous and 'sexy' without having to resort to something as lame as the strapless leather corset thing. In the games she's more or less Dante's personal assistant, so they could at least go for the clichéd bespectacled, hair-tied-back secretary look.
In regards to Lady, in her first appearance in DMC3 she is made out to be something of a tomboy. While only having a brief appearance in DMC4's cutscenes, she somehow became hypersexualized through the roof overnight and looks awful to boot.



Seriously, there is no need for this garish shit.


#10
The marionettes and their similar counterparts in 3 & 4 are kinda dull. I can understand the developers wanting to give the player a relatively safe punching bag at the start, but there's not much satisfaction derived from taking them out on the lower difficulties. The enemies seen in the DmC trailer do not bode well for the future of the franchise.

On first encounter, the Grim Reapers pretty much fuck the uninitiated player over as they now have to bear in mind the surroundings (which the enemies are not limited by), the fixed camera angles, and the fact that they can attack from any x, y or z angle. While the close range, last-minute sawn-off shotgun helps, it goes against the mood that the player should be able to take down any enemy with any of Dante's weapons. The fact that they're just scythe-wielding stereotypes just looks lazy too.

I don't have much beef with the Lizardmen. Sure they're kind of overcooked, but from a design perspective it gives the player a pretty clear idea what to expect with the size = threat level formula.
 
  

Because they're not humanoid in structure, the wolf things are far less interesting to fight. Non-*standard* looking enemies (i.e. anything with more than two legs) should probably be exclusive to boss fights.

#6
The chapter structure works fine and adds to the replayability, but the architecture needs mixing up. Don't give the player something grand to look at if they can't interact with it in some way.

#7
Fighting in cramped close-quarters and not having a decent field of view doth not a fun experience make.

#13
...Okay, this is where I'm stumped. If Ninja Theory really are trying to rejig Dante's backstory into something more accessible for a new audience, what's been seen so far hasn't been particularly inspiring (yes it's just a trailer, but DMC has always been a case of style over substance). Nor, indeed, is the whole 70s/80s punk rock theme...

...HOWEVER!


I am extremely intrigued from a narrative aspect by the part of the trailer where Dante is being Saw-style tortured in some sort of Gitmo Bay chamber. I seem to be in an absolute minority on this point, as everyone else has been preoccupied by the look of Dante - claiming that it's Robert Pattinson-Twilight inspired. I also want to note that I do hope that they retain Devil May Cry's trademark sense of humour. DMC3 was cheesy and super-daft with tongue firmly in cheek, but completely self-aware and all the better for it. In the other titles the light-hearted bits were intermittent (and Nero's emo grumping in DMC4 certainly did the series absolutely no favours), whereas DMC3 is more of an action comedy, if anything. Take this pre-boss fight cutscene, for example:
     
  

Now that you've all had time to cool down from the DmC outrage, feel free to add your own observations /criticism/suggestions, or just flame me if you want. And thanks for reading.
34 Comments

I just had the most wonderful dream...

...and in that dream I was eating a giant marshmallow. But then the dream ended. I woke up, and my marshmallow was gone. 

To be honest, it wasn't that much of a disappointment, as I don't like marshmallows. It probably dates back to that dumbass "Fluffy Bunnies" game during one schooltrip.  The Jackass-ish aim of the game is to stuff as many marshmallows into your gub as possible, but with each one you attempt say the phrase "fluffy bunnies" and invariably someone gets the giggles. Last person standing - or not choking - wins. I've kinda been put off them since them. Seeing a fellow classmate regurgitate a sticky pink mess can do that to a guy.
 
Discuss. Feel free to add your own recent weird-ass dreams. None of those recurring "My teeth are falling out!" or "I'm about to fail my exam and I've not got any trousers on!" ones, please. We've all heard them, and they're lame. Unless your particular one has some sort of exciting spin, like you're on a space rocket with the Egyptian president.

33 Comments

How I Popped My Trolling Cherry

Today for the first time in my life I tried to intentionally troll something. Anything. I mean, all the cool kids are doing it, right? So in my slightly hungover state this morning, I decided a YouTube vid from AVGN/Cinemassacre's channel that recently rose to fame was the easiest target. All I needed was to think of the dumbest comment ever. 
 
Turns out I couldn't think of anything, so I decided to fuck that idea and blatantly steal someone else's comment, which was either from here or from Kotaku - I forget. So whichever genius came up with this remark, this one's for you. First off, the video in question.

  

  

And here's what got posted:

Goddamn Nintendo won't even patch their shitty games.
dudeglove 17 мин. назад
===

What follows is more or less what XKCD noted once (I think). No matter how stupid the comment is, YouTube users will still take you seriously. 
 
It starts off innocently enough.
 
===
@dudeglove:
LOL, good joke bro.
Here's a few things dude:

1) Stop riding your PS3.
2) This game was made in the 1980s. But of course you wouldn't know that since you were born yesterday.
DinerSals 9 мин. назад
===
 
But then it starts to go downhill  

===
@dudeglove Shitty Nintendo games? Typical response from a typical 360/Sony fanboy. Not to mention the god damn game is over 20 years old! Before games could get patches, you dumbass.
NeverendingTwilight1 8 мин. назад 7
===
 
That previous comment for about 30 minutes rose to the top-rated section very quickly (we're talking about 80 or so thumbs up here in the space of ten minutes). It was subsequently removed for whatever reason.
Moving on....

===
@dudeglove

Hold on you're talking about one of the best games and one the highest bought games ever!!

Are you fucking stupid or feel like bitching at a game that came out probably before you were born.
devote 3 мин. назад
===
@dudeglove just go back to your 360 and suck some fucking monkeyballz u gay fag.
obliwion 2 мин. назад
===
 
Then one guy 'corrects' the aforementioned  top-rated dude

===
@NeverendingTwilight1 
shitbox360
Sabocalypse 1 мин. назад
===

But then someone with a braincell gets it

===
@dudeglove 
MAXIMUM_TROLLING.jpg

good job you got a lot of people hahaha
d4vidD3llaR0cc0 7 сек. назад
===

We're not done yet, though.

===
@dudeglove how could you patch a large piece of plastic? there are no internet capabilities and not many people even use the NES anymore.

On top of that...SMB is not shitty anyway.

I await your failed 6 year old reply about f*cking my mother etc.
Palkia01234 6 мин. назад
===
@dudeglove HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA R U SERIOUS? HAHAH
paraphernailia 4 мин. назад
===
@NeverendingTwilight1 you sure told him.Man, fanboys like him annoy me so much,it makes me want to go and kill them because of their stupidity,another comment like this was on mario party review,some dumbass wrote: why are you reviewing a 5-10 year old game? And someone else wrote: get a life. Jeez -.-
Happytreefriendsfan3 4 мин. назад
===
@dudeglove

You have to be under 12 to say shit like that.
puppett11 1 мин. назад
===
@dudeglove it was 20 years ago you dumb bitch
jrjuggalo159 3 мин. назад
===
@dudeglove Your comment make me want to violently vomit all over you.
wheels85 1 мин. назад
===
 
So to sum up I learned the following in the space of 30 minutes:
 

- I am between the ages of 6 - 20 years old.


- I apparently own a Shitbox 360.


- I fucked someone's mother.


- Super Mario Bros. 3 is the highest bought game ever.


- People want to kill and/or violently vomit over me.


- Large pieces of plastic with no internet capabilities cannot be patched.


 and above all else
 

- Trolling is like shooting fish in a barrel.

 
So I got a bit of insight into a troll's mind. Sort of like the same way Christian Bale learned the ways of the criminal mind in Batman Begins, but with less production values.
 
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and re-pot a couple of plants.
83 Comments

What we learned from the Epic PM Pt. II v.2.0

(GB couldn't cope with the sheer amount of PM-ness in part II, so it had to be split)
 
Page 180

- MiamiRedHawks makes a desperate call for help


Is there anyway I can stop receiving responses to this PM. I'm sick of it!


Page 181

- Ace829 asks how to shot PM.

- QCF + kick for HS21, QCF + punch for AjayRaz

- Typing monkey pic from Claude

Page 182

- TurboMan doesn’t let anti-Luchazine discussion drop, demands:

“We need columns.
 
WHAT COLUMNS CAN WE HAVE!?”



- Claude tells him to go classic 
 
 

- Chewbacca sound tutorial

  

  

Page 183

- Dudeglove wants to know whether the PM will hit 200 pages or 3,000 posts first. TurboMan says 200.

- Kessler hate spreads to the forums, dudeglove manages to get a screengrab before the 404 
 
 

- Sexy zombie bloodhounds.

Page 184

- Akuma’s raging roflcopter

- AjayRaz and Jazz face off over what constitutes a “proper” fighting game.

Page 185

- Crazy drunk interview with Milla Jovovich 
 
  
  

I want Milla Jovovich, even her kind of raspy smoker's voice is kinda cute. That laugh was frightening though. (HS21)


 

In Mother Russia, Milla Jovovich drags you off to a gulag and shoots you behind a gas chamber. (dudeglove)


- FOTC songs.

Page 186

- Evil Brad 
 
 

- TurboMan once more stokes the fire:

where is the magazine discussion in here!

- Atomasis suggests:
•    Don't Mess With Viper
•    Community Magazine Thing
•    Tom Hanks Quarterly
•    Awesome Super Most Amazing Thing Ever Created On The Face Of The Earth That Defies Space And Time As We Know It!
- Pics of Twin Peaks’ characters



- Mock up of Epic PM’s magazine. 
 
 

Page 187

- Dudeglove loves Dhalsim

- W0lfbl1tzers and TurboMan profess love for each other.

Page 188

- Reflections on Mel Gibson’s remarks in Oksana rage phonecall.

- Dudeglove posts Kesslar’s cum face 
 
 

Page 189

- Meme discussion

Page 190

- HS21 demands:

I want the video game version of Being John Malkovich. Being Nolan North. 



- KaosAngel starts following Jazz.

- More meme fun time
 

 
Page 191

- The greatest blog on GiantBomb continues to go unnoticed

- Post your pussy



Page 192

- Claude rejoins after a ten-page hiatus.

- After many years of not using it, dudeglove finds out that Microsoft Word has some fucking awesome clipart nowadays; goes wild with it.

 

- Slow clap from AjayRaz

Page 193

- Flava Flav brought up by Jazz.

- The Fucking Weather website makes its debut.

Page 194

- KaosAngel complains about how everyone thinks he’s a girl because of his girly gamertag. Doesn’t help that his real name is girly too.


- Dudeglove announces:

I spent the last five minutes explaining to my ex-student what a gimp was.



- Organicalistic_ tells dudeglove to get CS5.

Page 195

- Organicalistic_ and W0lfbl1tzers proclaim love for each other.

- <3, <3>, <4

Page 196

- HS21 deliberates posting a blog about freaking out a friend prior to an operation because she had smoked weed the day before. Videogames live on.

MASSIVE COCK (dudeglove)



Page 197

- 200th birthday celebrations come three pages early courtesy of dudeglove
 
  

- Dudeglove is AjayRaz’ hero.

- Dudeglove puts out an open challenge to the rest of the PM:


Now you lot, do something with this pic


 

- Atomasist does his part

 

Page 198

- Speed metal version of Deadly Premonition’s whistle theme requested.

- Dubstep tutorial 
 
  
  

Page 199

- Potato salad mentioned as PM races towards 200

Page 200

- Potato-related and Whitest Kids You Know vids dominate.

- Organicalistic_ is hungry.

==================
 
Next time: memes galore; HitmanAgent47 enters the PM contingent's collective hearts.
Start the Conversation

What we learned from the Epic PM Pt. II

Back on June 11, 2010, several GB users and moderators all received a PM from a user called Ultimate_Man, one of many alternate accounts of a particular user whose identity remains a mystery. Seasoned users may remember his previous incarnations of Dick_Viper and Super_Dick_Viper.

The following is the second in a 10-part series of the highlights of the Epic PM’s first 1000 pages . Everything written is verbatim, boring shit has been cut out, and the innuendos are left to your filthy imagination (it’s sexier that way).

[As of time of posting, the PM is now 1441 pages long]
 

Page 101

“So I was cheking my posting history and found some epic old threads, also, and the first epic troll thread, fucking disgusting, what has been seen, cannot be unseen,”

reminisces clubsandwich

- Hello Kitty chainsaw

  
  

- Jazz <3 AjayRaz’s socks

Page 102

- Dudeglove causes a sea change in the Epic PM and sets in motion future Epic PM/forum crossover activities: 
 


“Tell me, kind GBers, at what point is it acceptable to fake one's own death?” 

 
Hell ensues:

“When you need to ask questions like that...it's time to fake your own death.” (HS21)



“It is acceptable at any point in time however, if you get to the point where you have to think about it then it is already too late.” (godlyawesomeguy)



Page 103

- While dudeglove is absent (i.e. asleep) from the PM, a plot is hatched – mostly by HS21:

“I'm semi-seriously proposing that we all include a believable "R.I.P Dudeglove" message in all of our statuses for a week so that people will believe he actually did pass away. During this time dudeglove is not allowed to post in the forums or update his status until the full week has passed, at which time he will make a thread in the off topic forum detailing his resurrection and return to the world of the living.”



- Godlyawesomeguy overflows with enthusiasm but wants someone else to PM dudeglove.

Page 104

- HS21 tears up,

“All those times we've told people to fake their own death...and now it's happening. Brings a tear to my eye. The internet's fun guyz.”


- Godlyawesomeguy PMs dudeglove, the plan is go.

Page 105

- Jazz not impressed that dudeglove has died.

- TurboMan introduced.

- Obituaries begin flowing in

Page 106

- HS21 wants to bait the white knights of GB

- Jazz remains puzzled:

“Who ever knew Dudeglove was so inspirational to you all. Only thing he's ever done for me was repeatedly jump into a Beserker's legs in Gears 1. That and smash a tankard over most of my room. ..and lots of noodles.By Odin's beard those were the days.”

- TurboMan still doesn’t know why he’s in the PM.

- HS21 segues into fellatio discussion.

Page 107

- HS21 brings in SumDeus

- AjayRaz sidetracks discussion:

“WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING MOTHERFUCKER FOR THIS PLACE”


Page 108

- Hesitation grips the PM; Jazz remembers the mods are part of the PM

- Moderator MattyFTM, fully aware of the scheme, sort of looks the other way, thus granting a 24-hour grace period. It probably makes a change to all the relationship advice threads.

- On June 28th of 2010, Jazz steps up to the mark, creates an alt account, and posts http://www.giantbomb.com/forums/off-topic/31/dudeglove-rip/428160 then gives up and goes to bed.

- Atomasist disappointed by lack of white-knighting.

Page 109

- Atomasist’s frustrations boil over:

“We should beat up Jazz until he gives up dudegloves location, then we beat up dudeglove for ruining our fun.”


- AgentJ reappears after a week with no computer; posts lady pic.

- SumDeus joins AgentJ.

Page 110

- In spite of the dudeglove RIP thread going to hell, page 110 is dominated by beach dude in thong/200lb Ayane discussion

Page 111

- Clubsandwich is late to the party over the Steam gift card thread white knighting thing.

- SumDeus posts old lady pic

- Dudeglove thread still not mentioned.

Page 112

- Jazz passes on dudeglove’s message to HS21 that she’s an ass, but he still wants her to write his glorious comeback speech.

- The phrase “shadowy cabal” is first mentioned

- HS21 comes up with various comeback ideas:

“Now I'm just spit balling here but how about this: Instead of just me making a resurrection thread and leading people to believe that this was all my idea and I'm a big asshole (which is true), we make a RESURRECTION thread. Engh? Engh? An elaborate dudeglove resurrection which would involve all of us in this epic PM who had a hand in this each contributing to an overly complicated resurrection ritual which would culminate in the return of dudeglove.  
 
Or
 
I make a thread in the style of a raving conspiracy theorist in which I gather up a bunch of screenshots of Ace's posts in which he recommended to different people that they fake their own death. I put this and dudeglove's passing together and blow the whole thing wide open exposing the truth for all to see.
 
Or
 
I make a 'dudeglovefrombeyond' twitter account which one of you will 'discover' and I will periodically update it with shit like "Beat Satan in checkers, needless to say the Lord of Hell was pissed and I'm currently stuck in a lake of fire because Satan pulled the ladder out, Sims style." I like this option a lot but it would be an ongoing thing and I think dudeglove wants to start posting on Giant Bomb Dot Com again.”



Page 113

- Deadglove’s twitter starts racking up followers

- HS21 notes,

“We’re like a retarded illuminati, tight.”


- HS21 tries to put whorebag past behind her.
 

“You can't escape the past HS21. You can only fake your death, change your name, grow a moustache and pretend to be Tom Selleck,”

 
replies Jazz.
 
Page 114

- HS21 & Jazz discourse continues.

“I think dudeglove just needs to come back with a totally mundane blog about how he played a game or some shit, and we'll just post and go on like he was never gone. Less white knighting more what the fucking.”


Page 115

- Yukoei steam sale white knighting topic returns http://www.giantbomb.com/profile/yukoei/i-got-betrayed-by-a-fellow-giant-bomb-community/30-54237/

- E-peens measured.

Page 116

- MattyFTM finally drops the hammer on all the death-fakery

Page 117

- After MattyFTM comes down from his power trip, he reveals the existence of another infamous PM:

“Were many of you around for the original epic PM we had on the site? For those who weren't, I'll explain: Waaaaay back when they first launched the feature to add people to an existing PM coonce sent dave a message, asking him to add more people to the PM to test it out. He added me and a few other guys. I added a few more people. And then more people added more people, and it spiraled out of control until this was the result.”


- Turboman chimes in again.

- Dudeglove doesn’t get a single follower on his twitter account; HS21’s fake dudeglove alter-ego profile from Hell has many.

Page 118

- Atomasist chimes in

“Man, those late comments to the dudglove thread are hilarious. Bravo to everyone on a somewhat successful fake death.”


- MattyFTM, SumDeus and Atomasist gang up on dudeglove by calling him names. Dudeglove does not want.

Page 119

- Conversation on what “dudgelove” is. Turboman always thought it was Mick Foley’s “Dude Love” wrestling alter ego.

- Anti-trolling advice.

Page 120

- Dudeglove tries to get everyone in the PM to post in MrSkidders’ death faking criticism thread.

- MattyFTM locks it. HS21 does not make it in time. MrSkidders has said his piece.

- Godlyawesomeguy is late to the dudeglove death faking party

Page 121

- Racist remarks in binary.

- Atomasist hates Jazz…..music

- Ace829 comments on KaosAngel’s posting habits,

“You obviously never saw his blog about celebrating the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. He's got his head far up America's ass.”


Page 122

- LordAndrew actually hates Jazz the user. Shit goes down.

- Jazz puts forward the theory that HS21 doesn’t sleep at all.

Page 123

- HS21 reveals that she is spending several days trying to get accustomed to whatever fucked up time zone she’s going to on the Pacific Coast.

- HS21 gets one of the most amazing PMs in her life:


From zonerover

“I honestly don't know what your trying to do by posting this on a videogame forum - most people are just mocking you, and whenever someone does give you a useful piece of advice, most of the time you seem to be incapable of actually understanding the substance of the advice (ie. thinking that calling someone a whorebag is more appropriate than using their name or another affectionate term).  
 
My advice to you is to stop posting on this topic - anyhow, I think its pretty clear who's trying to give you real advice and who's mocking you. If you can't work that out you really need to go see a professional (a psychologist) to sort out these issues if you really do want to engage in a meaningful relationship, or at the very least post on a relationship forum and not here.
 
If you do want help from this site though, PM the people who are helping you out here. If you continue this thread, it'll rise in the Google rankings. Now, if any girls sees your face on a forum like this, I wouldn't be surprised if they stayed away - you've already exposed yourself as either extremely naive or extremely thick.  
 
Keep in mind, I'm not an expert but I could give you some basic advice on the topic. Just don't keep posting on that thread, otherwise this farce is going to roll on indefinitely.”


 
- HS21 says that she will keep the Cabal posted on further developments on what promises to be something magical.

Page 124

- Motion passed by HS21 and Jazz to rename dudeglove to deadglove. Dudeglove defeated 2 – 1.

- Dudeglove laments the fact that very little humour value can be extracted from HS21

Page 125

- Jazz suggests “Hot Steaming 21”

- HS21 gets another PM from zonerover:

“I don't really mind if people mock me, as a child I had a speech impediment which resulted in constant stuttering. I would know in my head what I wanted to say but the it was the hardest thing in the world for me to get the words out of my mouth. In my head I could hear the voice of a young, confident boy speaking his thoughts as they came to him, impressing those around him with his eloquence and wit. Instead I was mocked, laughed at and tortured for my disability. So no, I don't mind if people mock my inability to perform well with members of the opposite sex.

You advice me to stop posting in the topic but I ask you, where else can I get advice from? I have no friends. This might sound melodramatic to you, but I literally have no form of companionship in my life. None. This obviously explains my eagerness to acquire female companionship, although at this point I've become so lonely that I'd be willing to pursue a relationship regardless of gender.

I refuse to PM people giving me advice. I have nothing to hide and I am not ashamed to publicly ask others for help, as you can clearly see. And honestly, if this rises to the top of the google rankings for lonely men searching "trouble forming meaningful relationships" then good. I can only hope that they can find the same help which I am currently getting from some members on the site. Their advice to me has so far been invaluable in my rethinking of how to interact with women.

Now you've mentioned that you have some advice on the topic relating to my blog post. If this is true then I would love to hear them. Feel free to continue this conversation in the privacy of this PM. I fully understand if you do not want to give away all of your hot dating tips to just any member on the site. It is an honour and a privilege to train under you, that is if you were to accept my pleas for your tutelage.”


- Dudeglove capitulates and screws around with HS21’s then avatar.
 


 

- Short Gilbert & Sullivan rendition.

Page 126

- Dudeglove recommends that podcast be fucked, GB musical instead.

- AlwaysAngry is late to the party and posts thread about dudeglove not being dead.


“So, musical then? What rhymes with HS21? How do you even pronounce HS21? Husstwo-un? Aychesstwentyone?” (dudeglove)



- HS21 notes that AlwaysAngry could’ve been in on the plot, but PM was too meansies to him.

Page 127

- Dudeglove receives PM from AlwaysAngry, stating that HS21 is a meaniebeanie-bo-feenie

- PM quickly approaching 2000 replies.

- AjayRaz challenges HS21 to another sword fight.

Page 128

- PM spam on part of Atomasist in effort to reach 2000 replies

- Godlyawesome propose duel against AjayRaz

- HS21 says a 14 year old girl is in the PM

Page 130

“It feels like one big sausage fest in here.” (Godlyawesomeguy)


- HS21 just talks about nothing but herself and her blog. Bitch.

Page 131
 

“You know you can come up with even greater responses? Post them in blood.” (Dalai)


- HS21 retorts,

“Valid point. Will try and report back later. If not back in 2 days, assume the deadglove situation, but for realsies this time.”


- No one knows what tripcode is.

- Dudeglove posts video of Filipino movie “The Killing of Satan”. Some dude pimp-slaps a snake good 
 
     
   

Page 132

- Turns out today is AjayRaz’ birthday

- Jazz says,

“Round of applause for Ajay surviving yet another year in this world without Ayane to hold him.”


Page 133

“oh geeze, AlwaysAngry is acting up again via status updates. He's so angry, he can't even swear coherently. Don't they teach yoga or something over at the Icarly forums?”

Jazz laments.
 


“What’s an Icarly?”


inquires dudeglove. Atomasist is not impressed.

- HS21 says he got AjayRaz a whore.

Page 134

- Dudeglove snatches the 1997th post under organicalistic’s nose.

- Bros understand 
 
 

Page 135

- It’s June 31st, apparently.

“When people change their avatars it's like I don't even know them anymore,”

says HS21.

 

“Jazz's new avatar annoys me a lot,”

bitches Godlyawesomeguy, but organicalistic_’s does not.

 

“This PM would be a mind fuck if everyone changed their avatar. ellipsis  ellipsis  ellipsis,”

philosophizes H[ot]S[lut] 21.

Page 136

- Random back n’ forth discourse. Not funny.

Page 137

- HS21 observes,

“This is like being John Malkovich, but hitting wayyy closer to home than what I feel comfortable with. I pee'd a little.”


- Banana won’t come out of Atomasist’s pants.

Page 138

- Spoilers by Claude 

Page 139

- HS21 dun goof’d, clicks spoiler.

- Dalai can’t wait to see the monster at the end of the PM

- Jazz has a fan, known by the user jazz_fan

- Dudeglove posts some fucked up video of a kid getting testosterone injections 
 
  
  

- Dudeglove drops some bump-map knowledge.

Page 140

- HS21 tries to break the fourth wall.

- Ace829 tells organicalistic_ to stop using HS21’s avatar.

Page 141

- Something about a Constantine/Bill & Ted sequel.

Page 142

- Sad Keanu is sad.

 

Page 143

- Keanu is still sad.

- Organicalistic_ thinks the PM is now a thread.

Page 144

- Sad Keanu comes to visit Patrick Bateman

- Dudeglove owns up to sending GiantBomb a soviet fur hat. MattyFTM wants one.

Page 145

- Dudglove is dudeglove’s cloned brother.

- Michael Caine is the best Michael Caine of all time, says HS21.

Page 146

- Double rainbow.

 

“FUCKING AMERICANS. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ALL THOSE FIREWORKS.” (dudeglove)


Page 147

- HS21 and dudeglove debate what wakes them up at four in the morning. Someone gets shot in Montreal, allegedly.

- ENTER HYPNO-SEXOPHONE!

- RDR talking flying horse glitch

Page 148

 "I once met a man who's name was Gordon, but we all called him Fist, as in Fist of the North Star. Why? Because he swore that he was indestructible, could throw fireballs, fall from 50ft cliffs and get the phone number of any girl..especially strippers. I wonder what ever happened to him, perhaps he was kidnapped by Kim Jon Il and cloned to create an army of supersoldiers. Dudeglove...any ideas?” 

 
inquires Jazz.

“Oh god I remember that guy. Passed out in our dorm room, slumped against the wardrobe. Had to tell him to fuck off a couple of times before he actually fucked off,”

 dudeglove replies.

Page 149

“The next person to post will be the 2,222nd
 
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED” (dudeglove)

- Turboman is 2,222nd; he feels warned.

- W0lfbl1tzers appears; organicalistic_ appears to be the invitee.

Page 150

- HS21 and Atomasist exchange Jack/Rose Titanic comments. Gay.

- Catolf is surprised the party is still going.

- Ace829 breaks the flow by declaring Toy Story 3 a masterpiece.

Page 151

- Dudeglove invites JJWeatherman; latter posts furry pic. Drops from PM one page later.

- Search for sad Will Smith pic to contest Sad Keanu begins.

Page 152

- Evil Will Smith vs. I Am Disappoint Will Smith.

- Will and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

- Jazz finds the troll post of the day

Page 153

 

“Pussy is pussy, bro”

receives HS21 courtesy of GB user Brodehouse.

- AjayRaz lolz hard at Mega64’s GDC Commercial #2


“So mods - is there any way of, when this awesome PM invariably stops (i.e. when we are all dead), making it a public thread for future generations to both learn from and enjoy? Unless, of course, we all program very complicated AIs to take our posting places.” (dudeglove)


 

“silly dudeglove, are you unaware that i'm building a museum solely for the purpose of preserving this PM in a print format?”

responds AjayRaz

“I've already mentioned several times how my children's children will take my place here. This will live on forever,”

 adds HS21.

Page 154

- HS21 trash talks:

“What...what is that? I don't even. Are you speaking words at me? Cuz if u are I can't eltell. Right now I'm thinkin' yous tryin to make a fool of me in front of lall my friends. To be perfectly honesting im nut appreciating it so much so good. So maybe rite now you can flip the apology switch in yer brain and you n me can make for some forgiveness up in dis. Cuz between you me and everyone that's anyone, that's what its all about, in a manner of speaking that to which it is.  Honesty. Reality. all the paradigms get shifted on our heads sumtimes. ain't never gonna tell who's who in a time of urgency, a time of dire realities and the consequences that follow. Much love man. respect. its what we all deserve.”


- The Internet explained
 
     
   
 
Dudeglove notes,

“I hyperlinked my way out of the room, once. Wasn't pretty.”


“The idea of Keyboard Kat no longer being among us saddens me,”

 laments TurboMan

Page 155

- What would Claude’s beard do?
 
 

- Beard related pics. Something about tampons.

Page 156

- Godlyawesomeguy notes that falling horse fell just like dudeglove; dudeglove reveals that cliffs are the natural predator of dudeglove.

- Hypno-sexaphone returns.

- Dudeglove gets impatient,

“Someone hurry up and make a 200th page birthday cake (or photoshop one at least) before we get to the 200th, yah?”


- HS21 needs reassurance:

“Was that a picture of Charles Kinnear flying horse? And I watched Constantine again, is that movie the epitome of Sad Keanu? He's more brooding than sad, but pretty sad. A Scanner Darkly is another Sad Keanu flick that comes to mind.”

Page 157

- Jazz vs. HS21

- Something about Burn Notice 
 
 

- Dudeglove butts in with a YouTube vid 
 
  
  

Page 158

- HS21 gets the “first” quest, confirming that she really is obnoxious.

“You gigantic cock,”

responds dudeglove.

- Organicalistic_ confesses

“I LOVE GIGANTIC COCKS”


Page 159

- Cock conversation continues.

- Preview of new Whiskey Media office revealed.

Page 160

- Dudeglove fucks up:


“Does this work?
 
 <object width="640" height="360" data="http://media.comicvine.com/media/video/flash/flowplayer-3.1.5_10000.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"><param name="movie" value="http://media.comicvine.com/media/video/flash/flowplayer-3.1.5_10000.swf" /><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true" /><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always" /><param name="whiskey-video-id" value="1012" /><param name="flashvars" value='config={"key":"#@6c28318597c78e82f3c","clip":{"scaling": "fit"},"canvas":{"background":"#000000","backgroundGradient":"none"},"playlist":["http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/40/1290264-movingvd.jpg", {"autoPlay":false,"url":"http://media.comicvine.com/video/cv_officetour2_710_700.flv"}],"plugins":{"controls":{"url":"http://media.comicvine.com/media/video/flash/flowplayer.controls-3.1.5_10000.swf","autoHide":"always","timeColor":"#cc0000","bufferGradient":"none","volumeSliderColor":"#333333","durationColor":"#ffffff","sliderColor":"#333333","tooltipTextColor":"#ffffff","backgroundGradient":"none","timeBgColor":"#000","borderRadius":"0px","tooltipColor":"#000","buttonColor":"#cc0000","sliderGradient":"none","progressColor":"#cc0000","bufferColor":"#666666","volumeSliderGradient":"none","buttonOverColor":"#990000","progressGradient":"medium","backgroundColor":"#111111"}}}' /></object>”



- Dudeglove repents,

“I'ma go make a powerful Native American 200th page birthday cake”



“I've been wondering. Can someone explain to me why watching men run around for two hours in tight shorts kicking a ball is not seen as being incredibly gay? It just screams gayness in the same way Top Gun does,”

a confused Jazz inquires.


“i do enjoy hats,”

admits AjayRaz.

Page 161

- Atomasist gets all gay up in the Epic PM 
 
 

 

“The stars have not aligned for such hilarity since the   0 NIG-GER 0 scoreboard.” (HS21)



“I'm formally requesting someone photoshop young Bradley photobombing me from behind my right shoulder,”

asks HS21. 
 
- Atomasist obliges 
 
 

- Dudeglove chimes in,

“HE SAID RIGHT SHOULDER ASSHOLE.”


- Atomasist responds,

“I didn't hear him say stage right, so I figured house right. Also I'm going to cry now.”


Page 162

- Dudeglove wants you to look at dancing ladies.

- Jazz demands that we all read some post by a dude who has come up with some bizarre thesis on a Black Eyed Peas’ song
- Organicalistic_ trolls

- HS21 accuses Jazz of griefing.

Page 163

- A debate rages

“The name organicalistic always makes me think of cats. Does anyone else feel the same way?” (HS21)


“i always think of onions, ”

says AjayRaz

- MattyFTM observes

“It makes me think of beer.”


Page 164

- HS21 gives AjayRaz the reach-around.

  “ WHITE KNIGHTS! ASSEMBLE!”

 
 
says dudeglove.

- Dudeglove gets a message from InfamousBIG  in the “Do you have a middle name?” thread


@dudeglove said:

    " Two. People in school thought I was posh. Hmph. "

Well, people here thought you were dead.



Page 165

- W0lfbl1tzers wants to be dead. HS21 and Godlyawesomeguy claim it can be arranged.

- HS21 gets her chuckle hat on with this thread

Page 166

- Godlyawesomeguy drops out accidentally, returns.

- Jazz looks for Gary Busey’s phone number, and Smirnoff ice.

Page 167

- Drew Carey, Smirnoff ice and a bunch of other boring shit. Not funny.

Page 168

- MattyFTM reveals some back story to the enigmatic OP:

“Try and be online Saturday & Sunday morning around 10-11am GMT if you want to contact Dick_Viper That's when this guy tends to create his alt accounts. He's a pain in the ass.”



- HS21 tries to be the voice of reason

“Dude c'mon. You know he's in hiding with his Native American friend and his cop girlfriend. We can't call the Dick.”


Page 169

- HS21 LMFAOROFL!!’s at page 169

- Jazz claims he saw Claude and pepsiman makin’ out, or it could have been Drew humping a cushion.

- Going meta.

- HS21 does something

Page 170

- Jazz, AjayRaz and HS21 talk trash

- CitizenKane approves of the PM’s continued existence

Page 171

- Organicalistic_ wanna jizz on your sheets.

- TurboMan wants to Jizz on your mom’s tits.

- Organicalistic_’s mom is old. This makes no difference to TurboMan.

- Dudeglove makes a three panel thing from screengrabs from the surstromming video 
 


 

- HS21 wants deadglove to wear the smock.

Page 172

- HS21 talks about how flash game QWOP ruined her university lectures.

 

“I've just realized the scene in Dark Knight where Batman jumps onto Scarecrow's van at the start is a direct homage to the chainsaw staircase scene in American Psycho,”

notes dudeglove.

- Dudeglove gets new avatar, needs good pic of staff member Drew.

“They are all good,”

replies W0lfbl1tzers.

Page 173

- Jazz recommends everyone watches Tommy Wiseau’s film “The Room”; posts a whole bunch of youtube clips.

- Photoshop time 
 
 

Page 174

- Claude storms in

“I come in here and my brain gets set back a thousand years, no wait, ten thousand years. Oh hi... 30,000 years calling.”

- Claude is ordered to drop his pants by AjayRaz

Page 175

- TurboMan reveals his disappointment concerning the Luchazine

“The leader of The Luchazine is pissed off at me for some reason.”


- And proposes an alternative


“I just had a brilliant idea. We need to break off from the Luchazine and create a new magazine, except that it's one page long, filled with articles that's the size of a twitter post.”



- AjayRaz was blacklisted by Luchazine editor.

- Exclusive review of Singularity by TurboMan
 

"That shit's pretty good."



Page 176

- Big ass ramp (sort of) video 
 
  
  

I mean, in concept, it's a neat idea - but that GoranP fellow is waaaay too enthusiastic about it. It's as if they're trying to weasel their way into GB or something. In fact I think I recall one of his comments saying "MattBodega works for GB now!" in one of the threads. (dudeglove)



Sounds fun. I don't really care about the opinions of people on the forum, but then they made a magazine showcasing the opinions of people I don't know/care about. It's kinda funny. I smiled just now thinking about it. So it really is kinda funny. (HS21)


- Turboman breaks it down:


so here's what happened, I agreed to write some things for them, a stupid column that nobody but me got I guess(It's different from that terrible garbage I sent for the first issue). I sent to them and he didn't think it would fit so he took it out. No big deal to me, but I thought I should at least make a playful post in the topic:
"  There is no TurboMan article in here.
TurboMan feels left out.
TurboMan's lawyer will contact you soon.
TurboMan has tears in his eyes."
 
He made a playful reply:
"@TurboMan: At least you're on the Luchastaff page ;) Also, I slaughter lawyers for a living! GTA Phoenix Wright taught me how to do that."
 
okie dokie, I'll happily write more stuff for ya magazine. Then I get this email full of butthurt:
  Hey TurboMan,

We need to clear up a few things. In an editorial environment (or a simulated one like this community project), content gets shuffled, cut, redone, trimmed, thrown out, etc. all the time. If it so happens that your content didn't make an issue, you come back guns blazing for the next one and continue kicking ass. Frankly, we're not happy with some of the comments you've been making on the boards about this. If you have a problem with how things are run, Abhishek and myself are always down to discuss the matter. It is poor showing to be discussing internal matters outside of the working environment (example: you don't see the GB staff smack talking each other on the boards).

Again, if you wish to discuss things with us, go ahead.

GP



- HS21 counters:

He iz running legitimate venture, u r not to be so douche k?



Page 177

- Jazz posts pic of Milton from Office Space, accompanying the words


Right, so..we're doing a podcast and luchazine ripoff. FUCK it. Lets make our own website with clouds in the logo.
We'll call it: Shadowy Cabal (with large native American Friend)



- Dudeglove calls atomasist an anime avatar fuck for misspelling his user name.

Page 178

- W0lfbl1tzers needs to make quick cash, requests orphan from Moscow.

- Turboman outlines the initial setlist for the Epic PM musical:


1. Dudeglove isn't dead (In fact, he's still alive)
2. PhotoBombBrad
3. Funky Student
4. Is Jeff Bridges In The Game?
5. <>


- Dudeglove announces he’s off to see the first half of the World Cup final.

- MattyFTM can’t read and responds to a two-page-old comment. In spite of early onset senility, the moderator boasts:

Also, I don't post in this PM often, but when I do, you can't seem to stop me.

Page 179

- Jazz goes into detail about musical, no one pays any attention due to dancing Jeff Bridges 
 
 

- Kessler hate noticed in QL by dudeglove
Start the Conversation

What We Learned From the Epic PM, or How to Troll GiantBomb

Back on June 11, 2010, several GB users and moderators all received a PM from a user called Ultimate_Man, one of many alternate accounts of a particular user whose identity remains a mystery. Seasoned users may remember his previous incarnations of Dick_Viper and Super_Dick_Viper.

What started off as a spam message has since spawned into the Epic PM which, as of time of posting, is now 1400 pages long (that's right pages - not posts). Various GBers have dropped, others added in their stead.

The following is but the first in a 10-part series of the highlights of the Epic PM’s first 1000 pages . Everything written is verbatim, boring shit has been cut out, and the innuendos are left to your filthy imagination (it’s sexier that way). This blog entry was meant to be done ahead of the 1000th page, but I got lazy or had stomach cramps or something.

Some have compared it to the shit you see on 4chan, but it’s so much more than that…

Page 1 (beginning June 11, 2010)



Hola everyone! I sent this message to you people today because you guys are GiantBomb's most fabulous users. Also, I was told by many of your guys' admirers that I should approach YOU, for some advice that I really need. Yes, I know what your saying, "why didn't this guy make a thread?" Well, that's because I can't post in the forums right now (I mean sheez, you tell this community that the idiot store is out of stock, then people go ape-shit).  

So here's my question, I been dealing drugs for quite some time and I got busted by this lady-cop. I thought my life was in ruin, but then. . . Love struck both of us as we were making out in her cop car. We had to stop and she had to make this decision, she can let me go and get fired, or take me in and keep her job. She gave me one day to make the decision; so I come to you guys for some advice.

What should I do? Should I let her take me in due to the fact that I'm love her, or let her let me go and run away and never see her again? Please people, I'm running out of time, what decision should I make?

This is the Ultimate_Man.


- Pepsiman does not like Symphony.

- HS21 suspects Symphony of being a cartoon

Page 2

- Moderator Hamz claims he is dropping from the PM

- Moderator Citizen Kane posts a GIF

- Sweep recommends Ultimate_Man fake his own death

Page 3

- CitizenKane tells LordAndrew to suck it.

- Moderator ZombiePie posts Latino bartender Jeff pic, among others. Moderator MattyFTM joins in.

- CitizenKane considers banning AjayRaz for being too fabulous.

Page 4

- HS21 laments that no one is giving advice to Ultimate_Man’s dilemma.

- Moderator lordofultima says that in order to become a cop, one must go to cop school.

- Claude comes up with a solution.

- Jesus himself makes an appearance.

Page 5

- CitizenKane starts posting cleavage pics, others join in.

- Soap professes his love for the PM

Page 6

- Luchadeer does coke.

Page 7

- AjayRaz wants more Ayane

Page 8

- HS21 ups the cleavage pics ante with autographed boobs.

Page 9

- clubsandwich goes all out in an attempt to outdo HS21.

- HS21 posts actual tits.

Page 10

- …“Ayane Hentai Comedy” courtesy of Claude.

Page 11

- Random nonsense. Something about Native Americans.

Page 12

- LordAndrew asks why BiffMcBlumpkin dropped.

Page 13

- More Ayane from Claude for AjayRaz.

- Dudeglove sticks Drew’s head on a Stalin poster.

Page 15

- Claude discovers Bazooka Café

Page 16

- MattyFTM cracks down on nudity, dudeglove questions MattyFTM’s powerful Native American-ness

Page 17

- In regards to others dropping from the PM, HS21 notes:

“It's like almost hooking up with the girl with a great personality but with large glasses and shiny braces, then breaking up with her only to find out that a couple years later she blossomed into the fucking hottest girl you've ever seen. Amirite, amirite?”


Page 19

- Sweep makes AjayRaz’s day.

Page 20

- Far too many cat pics.

Page 21

- Dudeglove brings in Jazz.

Page 22

- CitizenKane does not doubt that the Epic PM is the greatest PM ever; sexual confusion over David Duchovny in drag.

Page 24

- Dudeglove posts a bunch of youtube vids.

- Pepsiman talks about some cat named Peter.

Page 25

- Atomasist appears.

Page 26

- HS21 foresees future events http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLn_aNRdvUY

Page 27

- HS21 wants to find a girl that likes to kick jeeps.

Page 28

- Pepsiman claims to be that girl. Dalai tells them both to keep away from his jeep.

Page 29&30

- Prison rape and value of cigarettes in relation to Claude’s “pretty sweet virgin ass.”

Page 31

- HS21 brings in Ace829.

- Claude wants to be Santa Claus when he grows up.

 

“You know, I'm glad Biff ain't here. He'd just overpower us like that dude's Native American friend.” (Dalai)


Page 32

- CitizenKane acts like a big pussy and drops out, claiming E3 will take up all his time.

Page 33

- HS21 proposes onslaught of naked cartoon pussy.

Page 34

- CitizenKane reappears.

Page 35


“DONT YOU PEOPLE SLEEP!!!!!!!” (Jazz)


Page 36

- Sweep says he had sex with a helicopter last night; helicopter rape is up 150%

Page 37

- Dudeglove bitches about Kinect.

Page 38

- buzz_clik appears.

- HS21 approves of Sony’s E3 conference.

Page 39

- Ace829 shamelessly promotes naked cartoon podcast

Page 40


“Hey guyz what's E3?” (HS21)


- MattyFTM mod spams HS21 by copying and pasting GB’s E3 wiki page.

Page 42

- MattyFTM talks shit about fellow mods.

Page 43

- AjayRaz and Pepsiman drone on about some shitty old games.

Page 44

 

“Hey guys, I need some advice. So last night my Eskimo friend (who doesn't like snow) punched my broski who happens to be a Snowman. After he punched him I immediately broke up the fight, and took snowman to the freezer to fix him up. Now here's the dilemma, I live with the Eskimo but Snowman always comes over to my place to hang out. So fellow GBer's what should I do?” (Atomasist)


- Claude says vote big purple penguin.

- buzz_clik comes out as a DOA fan

Page 45

- Ace829’s eyes are raped

Page 46

- Long-winded Ayane discussion

Page 48

- AjayRaz whines about not being on a podcast with Pepsiman

Page 49

- http://4chanarchive.org/images/co/1348576/1185411987756.jpg

- Jazz says dudeglove has OD’d on SFIV

Page 50

- Something about boobs.

- Homestarrunner references.

Page 51

 

“You guys like Zoey Deschanel? I used to, but man, she was a cunt in 500 days” (HS21)


- Atomasist considers buying Let’s Meow Meow, but worries he’ll explode when playing it. AjayRaz confirms this, saying it’s the same with every eroge game.

Page 52

- AjayRaz wonders if anyone actually gave Ultimate_Man any advice.

Page 53

- AjayRaz challenges HS21 to a sword fight.

Page 54


“Where I come from, a sword fight is when two or more guys clash pee streams in someone's bathtub at a house party.” (dudeglove)


- Ace829 wants the PM to never end.

Page 55

 

“I've never even seen Toy Story 2, and have no intentions of seeing it or Toy Story 3. I loved the first Toy Story, and I just know the sequels are never going to come close to the quality of it. I don't want my opinion of the Toy Story universe to be reduced because of less good sequels, so I'm more than happy to just never see them.” (MattyFTM)


- Dudeglove wonders what happens when we reach 1000 posts. MattyFTM kills the fun.

Page 56

- http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/2c5f01407a2c13ae61140e07774fa37682a80995_m.jpg

- Dalai returns after a few days away and wonders why the PM is still going.

Page 58

- HS21 brings in organicalistic_; latter posts a gross pic of some dude barfing.

Page 59

- <>

Page 60

- Lady Gaga polka.

Page 61

- Atomasist has a banana in his pants, assistance required

Page 62


“Girls were given inflated expectations in sex ed when practicing on bananas.” (HS21)


Page 63

- AgentJ thinks the PM is getting disturbingly erotic.

-

“This thread or pm is nothing but pent up sexual frustration. Go to page 5, my god, nipples, boobies and a word from our mod sponsors,”

 
 says Claude.
 
Page 64

- CitizenKane reappears (again); Pepsiman is the only one that gives a shit.

Page 65

- Dudeglove brings in AlwaysAngry.

“Who the hell let the 14 year old in here?

says organicalistic_

Page 66

- AlwaysAngry is a bit too enthusiastic.

Page 67

- (page keeps crashing)

Page 68

- CitizenKane talks about something (or someone) called Blake Lively.

-Dudeglove responds with trololo video.

Page 69

- Dudeglove is jubilant:

“PAYBACK IS A BITCH, FRANCE. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR HANDBALLING LIKE A BUNCH OF LITTLE BITCHES AGAINST IRELAND.”

Everyone else starts posting in caps.

Page 70

- Jazz vs. AlwaysAngry

Page 71

- MattyFTM juxtaposes post about DirectX with boob pic.

Page 72

- MattyFTM, AlwaysAngry and Ace829 talk some dull shit about the Xbox360

Page 73

-

“Ich werde das Gegenteil von dieser Regel zu tun. Wer nicht in einer fremden Sprache nicht antworten wird, um den Zorn des Verbots fühlen Hammer,”

gesprecht MattyFTM

- Organicalistic_ <3 Jazz

Page 74

- iCarly, what?

Page 75

- iCarly again. Some thread about iCarly is posted. (since been 404'd, kids)

Page 76

- AlwaysAngry makes us have to scroll down the page for about thirty seconds.

Page 77

- World Cup quest, yes; Wimbledon quest, no. Jazz is disappoint.

- Organicalistic_ proposes plan to trap that pesky 14-year-old

Page 78

- Jazz stirs up shit.

“Not to be an anime jerk...but isn't it 'over 8000' now?”


- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ltH7KkwgZA

- Dudeglove sorely regrets bringing AlwaysAngry in; asks HS21 for help.
 
Page 79

-

“Dudeglove, normally a man must live with the consequences of his actions, but as a BAH-ruther-hood, we must endure Always Angry's presence, together. I hope we're all a little more selective next time around,”

is the response.

- MattyFTM threatens to usurp HS21’s rule over GIRL

Page 80

- “Stay the FUCK away from GIRL. Serious brah....sewious.”

- AjayRaz went somewhere, then came back to PM. No one pays any attention.

Page 81

- http://media.giantbomb.com/uploads/0/1951/1415632-rollercoaster_super.jpg

Page 82

- AlwaysAngry begins to feel unwanted.

- Godlyawesomeguy appears.

“Holy mother fucking shit. What the hell has happened in this pm?”



“I was here since the beginning ^^ though it's lost it's charm for me. i just say to see what happens,”

boasts AjayRaz.

“I'm going to propose to my future wife via this PM. Fuck your loss  of enthusiasm for it!”

replies HS21.

Page 83


“I just had breakfast, and I was also the first person to reply to the OP, so that makes me King of this PM. As King of this PM, I bestow you with yet another video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iYrvnDEcrE

Sincerely,

King of this PM” – dudeglove.


- Xeiphyer appears.

“You son of a bitch, this was meant for only the most fabulous users of giant bomb,”

says godlyawesomeguy.

Page 84

- Aurahack appears; loves us all.

- Vidiot appears, notes:


“-_- Vidiot does not approve of whatever the hell this is. -_-
I mean, c'mon! I'm added in at the 84th page?! FOR SHAME!”



- Dudeglove laments absence of Biff, proposes diplomatic solution,

“I SAID MAKE THE MODS GET HIS FELINE GOGGLE-WEARING ASS BACK IN HERE”


- Don’t press the flux button.

Page 85

- Atomasist acts like an old fart and doesn’t like the appearance of the new blood.

- Bones8677 appears:

“How is it possible for there to be over a thousand replies?”


Page 86

- Dudeglove’s motive for posting in the PM:

“I just want this fucker to overtake the staff photoshop thread in the hamburger forum”


- CitizenKane says he’s leaving. Again.

-

“So what you're saying is that a video of a fat guy with white dreadlocks smoking weed and playing Talvin Singh's song ‘O.K.’ won't be enough to keep you here?” (Dudeglove)


Page 87

- Jazz vs. AlwaysAngry: Round 2. AlwaysAngry drops out.

Page 88

- Jazz vs. HS21.

- <>

Page 89

- Lithuania’s Eurovision entry.

- Catolf appears. HS21 asks him to hold hands.

Page 90

“Catolf, how’s your dog doing?”

Jazz asks.

- Godlyawesomeguy comes back; Jazz declares iCarly dead.

- Ace829 is great at rapelay

Page 91

“I'm more into rape and murder myself. You know, fucking off and killing time,”

confesses Claude.

- Fat kid gets beaten up pic.

- HS21 loves kilts.

Page 92

- Ryax drops out.

Page 93

- Claude posts boobs; HS21 gets horny over cow udders.

Page 94

“And yes, I did wear a kilt. I went to Glasgow University. Didn't go native, though. That thing was a rental,”

declares dudeglove.

Page 95

- Star Trek stuff. HS21 has boner alert.

Page 96

- Moons.

Page 97

- Trailer for Birdemic.

- Godlyawesomeguy goes on about impersonating Patrick Bateman. Dudeglove doesn’t get it.

- Neko Case may have to choke a bitch.

Page 98

- Page 100 is close. What to do? AjayRaz predicts the future several hundred pages in advance:

“We have a sword fight! then we bring in the staff”


- AjayRaz and natetodamax are bosom buddies.

Page 99

- HS21:

“Girls with an English, Irish or Australian accent. Hot amirite? What are your preferences gents? Let's small talk all the way to page 100 so I can sleep easy tonight.”


- Dudeglove wonders

“People still use Ask Jeeves? Fuck me. Is life really so bad in Puerto Rico?”


Page 100

- AjayRaz gets first post on page; jizzes pants.

- HS21 tries to upset matters:

“Do we count the pages that Always Angry graced?”


 ===================
 
Next time: The Epic PM begins to turn its attention towards the Internet wasteland known as Off Topic; details of another Epic PM from the early days of GB surface; various photoshops; and bananas in pants.
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