Best of 2010

If I could this list would have just been Strange Journey x 10, but since I can't I guess I'll just have to pretend I broadened my horizons over the past twelve months. 
 
But before we get to the proper, boring list, here are some other notable accolades from this year:  
 
  

The “Wolfman’s Got Nards” Achievement of 2010

The winner is...

 

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The " Wolfman’s Got Nards" Achievement highlights only the finest in genital pain and mutilation and 2010 saw a clear winner in Heavy Rain DLC chapter ‘The Taxidermist.’ I’m obviously not going to explicitly spoil why it’s worthy of that commendation – if you don’t already know and are curious as to the reason, by all means check out the Quick Look. One thing's for sure, Madison Paige is a lumberjack and she’s okay.

   

The “I Listened to These Tracks on Loop For Hours” Playlist of 2010

The winners are...

 
I have the special power of being able to listen to the same piece of music for hours and hours, probably originating from a lifetime of listening almost exclusively to video game music. Here are some tracks from 2010 I gave such a treatment, in no particular order (except for the Strange Journey ones): 
 

Best Bill Cosby Sound-alike of 2010

The winner is... 

 
 
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The Taken from Alan Wake say the darndest things, but only Nurse Birch had the foresight to get two pills in the morning, so he could be zip zop zoobity boppin' all day long! To hear just how close Nurse Birch came to sounding like his inspiration, check out a video here.
 
  
 
 

Worst Item Drop of 2010

The winner is…

 

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Everything in Castlevania: Harmony of Despair. Now this probably exposes my inexperience with MMO loot grinding sessions, which is all Harmony of Despair really amounts to, but even I would have to surmise that finally getting that Epic Helmet of Gorilla Mask brings along with it some small crumb of satisfaction – the feeling that, “Thank God I’ll never need another one of these.” If only that rang true here. From the start, Harmony is kinda lying to you. Every stage resembles the familiar – an enemy-laden layout leading up to a boss fight. And while in most Castlevania games beating the boss gives you some kind of reward or new ability, in Harmony you’ll probably just get Platinum Leggings (which are shit). Or Winged Boots. Which are actually one of the best items in the game, except you already have 9 of them and you can’t sell them either for some reason so it’s a gain of absolutely zero. You end up feeling tricked, and that record time kicking Dracula’s ass wasted. But in some sick, twisted way, getting more Winged Boots has somehow become sadly and ironically hilarious. So whatever, let's play some more.

   
  

2010's 1989's Best Import-Only Licensed Garfield Game (of 2010)

The winner is…

      

  

A Week of Garfield. Like a piece of palate-cleansing dark chocolate after a fine dinner, A Week of Garfield is the perfect complement to any year of gaming. A true classic from the mind of comedic legend Jim Davis, it’s exquisite enjoyment for all ages. A fun….video game for the whole family. Try it, and have your 2011 start off on the right paw, er, foot. Ha ha ha, Mondays.

    

Most Hitoshi-Sakimoto-Ass Moment of 2010

The winner is...

 
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Normally the Most Hitoshi-Sakimoto-Ass Moment award would go to one of HItoshi Sakimoto's more phoned-in, stereotypically bombastic-with-harp-arpeggios compositions, but earlier in the year during a chance encounter with Sakimoto's Twitter account I saw him flirting impishly (i.e., drunkenly) with Xenoblade image vocalist Sarah Alainn and suddenly all bets were off. Sadly it was months and months ago so I don't feel like dredging it up, but seeing this man, who on an even day I would call my favorite musician in any medium, (in English) speaking like how an awkward, giddy schoolboy would talk to a crush was absolutely surreal. I bet they will "work together" soon enough. Damn, son.
 
So here's to you, middle-aged composer of Final Fantasy Tactics and Vagrant Story, for hitting on a lithe girl half your age. Just don't cry in your beer and bother Iwata with lamentations of rejection if it didn't go as you hope. Hitoshi Sakimoto is the most Himself-Ass Moment of 2010.

Best Pig of 2010

The winner is....

 
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Naturally, it can only be Orcus/Horkos from Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journey! Hailing from the supermarket sector of Carina where the only law is The Other White Meat, this prize porker is the real deal: he's no Pygmalion. Orcus exemplifies the good life, hoarding the sports cars, piles of gold, and lions (?!) that he probably stole from Babe or Link Hogthrob after murdering them.
 
Runner-up: Piggsy from Enslaved.
 

Best Glitches of 2010

The winner is...

  
  
From flying horses to flying John Marstons to gliding bulls, the open-world jank of Red Dead Redemption is an ever-gushing fountain of unintended entertainment and it easily hosts the best glitches of 2010. This is no denying that the game is good, just that there's an extra layer of value for assholes like me that enjoy laughing at immersion-destroying accidents like fully accelerated trains stopping on a dime (or in this case, a prostitute).

 

Game My Friend Doug-E (aka Ragemaster86) Sent Back To Gamefly The Fastest of 2010

The winner is...

  
  
  
I was at Ragemaster86's house when he got Trinity Universe in the mail and I think we played it 5 minutes before violently ejecting it, but in my opinion that still wasn't quite fast enough. He wanted to rip the disc in half but I was like, "naw bro, naw, let's go to Coldstone."  So I helped him personally deliver this thing to the mailbox and then we hung out at the best Jewish-themed ice cream parlor in the Tri-State area.
 

Most Juvenile Acronym of 2010


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I Jerk It Every...Knight.

 
So anyway, here's the real list:

List items