Pumpper's "Mrs. Clean Pump-It-Off"

The other night I was playing Modern Warfare 2 when I heard a knock at the door. Not just a knock, but the stereotypical "dun da  da dun dun....dun dun" (thanks HS21) knock that makes you think that it must be a friend or at least a friendly neighbor. Anyway, I completely forgot I have a peephole on my door, so I just opened it without knowing who it was. My beagle is small enough to fit through the crack if I open the door just enough to poke my head out, so I stepped out into the common area outside my door to keep her from barking at whoever was there. This was a mistake.
 
Surprise, surprise, it was a group of salespeople (two down-trodden looking ladies wearing nappy clothes). I am terribly awkward when it comes to turning these people away, so I was definitely regretting my decision to go whole hog and step right out into the common area. So, over the span of the next 20 minutes, I was enlightened about the world's end-all-be-all cleaner. It cleans dirt, grime, slime, scum, chars, scars, scuffs, muffs (?), dust, must, mildew and mold (she said "moldew" and "milled", by the way). I continued to tell them that I wasn't interested in their (intentionally?) explicitly named product; but the harder I fought, the harder they pressed. One of the women felt so confident that, with just a little more prodding, I would purchase their cleaner that she proceeded to not only say, but also show me something else it could clean...
 
Only a few nights ago, I saw the most awkward/funny/sad thing I have ever seen. I saw a grown woman drink a cleaning product in a fit of pure seller's fury. Then she proceeded to gag but try to cover up the fact that she was gagging, which only made her gag even more. She totally played it off and transitioned into spraying the cleaner directly into her face (EYES OPEN), hair, arms and chest. I'm not done... really. 
 

 LIke this, but much more depressing... and much less 19th century.

Then, she sprayed the product onto a scuff where I kick the door on my way in (which did actually disappear) and went on to lick the rag on the spot that had just scrubbed God-knows-what off my door. When I asked her why she would do that, she replied that she was showing me that it was perfectly safe to use for everyday purposes and around my dog. I told her that she could have just said that and I would have "believed" her (just as much as I believed any of the other jargon). 
 
This freaked me out pretty badly, so I finally just said I had to go and started to step back inside. As I was closing the door, she said I was selfish because a quarter of the retail price goes into getting girls like them off the streets and into a paying job. Honestly, this would have made me feel kind of bad, had I not just seen her defile and humiliate herself just for some sale that was most likely a credit card scam anyway. I consider myself to be a great philanthropist now. Can any of you go to sleep tonight knowing that you kept a girl from intentionally drinking cleaning agents for money? 
 
I can.
10 Comments
10 Comments
Edited by Foxtrot0245

The other night I was playing Modern Warfare 2 when I heard a knock at the door. Not just a knock, but the stereotypical "dun da  da dun dun....dun dun" (thanks HS21) knock that makes you think that it must be a friend or at least a friendly neighbor. Anyway, I completely forgot I have a peephole on my door, so I just opened it without knowing who it was. My beagle is small enough to fit through the crack if I open the door just enough to poke my head out, so I stepped out into the common area outside my door to keep her from barking at whoever was there. This was a mistake.
 
Surprise, surprise, it was a group of salespeople (two down-trodden looking ladies wearing nappy clothes). I am terribly awkward when it comes to turning these people away, so I was definitely regretting my decision to go whole hog and step right out into the common area. So, over the span of the next 20 minutes, I was enlightened about the world's end-all-be-all cleaner. It cleans dirt, grime, slime, scum, chars, scars, scuffs, muffs (?), dust, must, mildew and mold (she said "moldew" and "milled", by the way). I continued to tell them that I wasn't interested in their (intentionally?) explicitly named product; but the harder I fought, the harder they pressed. One of the women felt so confident that, with just a little more prodding, I would purchase their cleaner that she proceeded to not only say, but also show me something else it could clean...
 
Only a few nights ago, I saw the most awkward/funny/sad thing I have ever seen. I saw a grown woman drink a cleaning product in a fit of pure seller's fury. Then she proceeded to gag but try to cover up the fact that she was gagging, which only made her gag even more. She totally played it off and transitioned into spraying the cleaner directly into her face (EYES OPEN), hair, arms and chest. I'm not done... really. 
 

 LIke this, but much more depressing... and much less 19th century.

Then, she sprayed the product onto a scuff where I kick the door on my way in (which did actually disappear) and went on to lick the rag on the spot that had just scrubbed God-knows-what off my door. When I asked her why she would do that, she replied that she was showing me that it was perfectly safe to use for everyday purposes and around my dog. I told her that she could have just said that and I would have "believed" her (just as much as I believed any of the other jargon). 
 
This freaked me out pretty badly, so I finally just said I had to go and started to step back inside. As I was closing the door, she said I was selfish because a quarter of the retail price goes into getting girls like them off the streets and into a paying job. Honestly, this would have made me feel kind of bad, had I not just seen her defile and humiliate herself just for some sale that was most likely a credit card scam anyway. I consider myself to be a great philanthropist now. Can any of you go to sleep tonight knowing that you kept a girl from intentionally drinking cleaning agents for money? 
 
I can.
Posted by HS21

Dun da  da dun dun....dun dun.

Posted by Foxtrot0245
@HS21: Fixed, thanks man. That is a much better description.
Posted by Mrnitropb

Shave and a haircut...

 
Yeah, thats messed up. I also cant get the damn draino scene from that dirty harry movie out of my head now. that scarred me as a kid as it was.

Posted by Redbullet685

The lady died right down the block probably.

Online
Posted by Foxtrot0245
@Mrnitropb: So THAT'S what "Shave and a Haircut" is. I've heard of it, but didn't know that this is what it was. Thanks for the knowledge.    
 
@Redbullet685:  Yea, I checked (through the peephole this time, learned my lesson) about 5 minutes after walking back inside to see if they were still out there. They were, and the lady that drank the product was chugging water like it was whiskey at an Irish wedding.
 
 Oh, and somewhere in the conversation I ended up telling them that I just got a new denim blue F-150. I live in a small apartment complex in a cul-de-sac with very few parking spaces. Guess who noticed a scratch in their new truck yesterday....
Posted by HS21
@Foxtrot0245 said:
" @HS21: Fixed, thanks man. That is a much better description. "
You're welcome. Godspeed and stop opening doors to middle aged women. 
Posted by Foxtrot0245
@HS21:  What about cougars? I hear they will ninja up on your ass if you're not careful...
Posted by HS21
@Foxtrot0245 said:
" @HS21:  What about cougars? I hear they will ninja up on your ass if you're not careful... "
That's why Cougar is on my dream team.
Posted by Foxtrot0245
@Mrnitropb:  Saw this on www.clinteastwood-tribute.com:
 
  • On April 22, 1974, 2 men robbed a HIFI shop in Ogden Utah and made the 5 hostages drink Draino and then shot them in the head. The next day an unnamed informant called in a tip to Ogden City Police with information that would help wrap up the case much sooner than police had anticipated.
  • The informant, an airman stationed at Hill Air Force Base, told police that he had overheard two of his fellow airmen talking about robbing a store and killing witnesses utilizing the Death By Drano method by which the Pimp murders the Prostitute in Magnum Force (1973), which the two had seen prior to the Crime. Two of the hostages miraculously survived. The crime would forever be known as The Hi-Fi Murders.
 
Eff. That.