October 7, 2013
This is probably the nerdiest thing I've ever put together, but I couldn't let this vast stock of Game of Thrones facts that've been piling up as I make my way through the books go to waste. This list is not conclusive; it's missing Robb and Catelyn specifically, but I couldn't think of a good console parallel for either. Also, it's supposed to be a joke, so there's that. What I enjoyed the most about putting it together was how just looking at the character next to their console made sense, like the way dogs supposedly look like their owners. So, without further adieu:
Joffrey – Wii – Rules the land, but many seek to defy him. Has broad reach, but not much respect.
Sansa – PS3 – Bold and naive. Thinks everyone will love her because of her noble bloodline.
Arya – Genesis – A dark horse with a rebellious spirit. Proved that she can hang with the boys.
Eddard – Dreamcast – Head of a strong household killed off too soon, many claim unjustly.
Jaime – PS1 – Brash and confident, with the strength to back it up. Dethroned previous ruler.
Tyrion – 3DS – Has a rough go at first, but gains power through cunning and persistence
Petyr – Xbox One – True motivations unclear. Purportedly powerful. Will spy on you.
Bran – Game Boy – Can’t do everything his big brothers can, but has other abilities that none of them have. Green dreams.
Cersei – Xbox 360 – Orchestrated the greatest seize of power for her family in recent history. Loved and feared in equal measure.
Jon – Xbox – Powerful for his years, but also awkward and a bit clunky. Wears black like it's going out of style.
Daenerys – PS4 – Descendant of once dominant dynasty bent of returning to power. Fan favorite.
Jorah – Vita – Desperate for affection. Best hope is to latch on to more respected up-and-comer.
White Walker – Wii U – Everyone has forgotten it exists except for a few, weirdly obsessed folks.
Stannis – N64 – Stubborn and traditionally-minded. Decided to go it alone, and has little outside support. Heard from infrequently.
Melisandre – N64 Expansion Pak – Dons a red hood and empowers her liege. Not really sure how she does what she does.
Tywin – PS2 – Powerful reputation with an enormous warchest. Decimates all whom he faces in combat.
Sam – Gamecube – Gets little credit for what he’s good at. Really into connectivity, but not a great communicator.
Theon – 3DO – Thinks he’s cool, but no one really likes or supports him.
Brienne – Saturn – An outlier, fierce and loyal. A bit awkward, but dependable for those that seek her out.
Robert – NES – Claimed the throne by force when the opportunity presented itself. Ended the old dynasty and began a new one.
Renly – PSP – Little sibling to powerful stalwart. Defenses are easily compromised.
Ygritte – Ouya – Free of the rules that most obey, an outsider of questionable credibility.
Varys – Kinect – Loyal to the realm, in service to his liege. Cordially bows to his master. Watches your every move.
Viserys – Virtual Boy – Comes from a strong pedigree, but squandered all goodwill with his off-putting manner.
Dragons – Steam Machines – Legends speak of their coming, but little is known outside of rumors and speculation claiming what they’re truly capable of. Could bring about a new era.